How to start a "SO, eh, do you want kids one day" chat!

LegacyUser

So, probably not the biggest issue going.

Seeing a guy I really like and gel with the last few months, we seem to be on the same page in every respect but for some reason....the topic of kids has never really come up and there's no real way to ask the question without it sounding like I'm jumping the gun. We're both mid-thirties...and very committed to each other so, it's basically going to sound like a very loaded question if I ask it.

I've probably sent mixed messages in that I've expressed frustration with people who go on about their kids all the time, and he's agreed with that sentiment but I have also said that "If I had kids I would..." and he hasn't said "Oh no I never want kids"

We chatted before about my friend and her husband who never want kids and he was like "I get that some people feel like that" but didn't show his hand.

I guess it doesn't seem like a massive deal except I am in my mid-thirties and my last relationship ended after 5 years (2 years ago) when I finally figured out this guy was never committing to anything significant...

It doesn't help that I am totally head over heels for this guy and by all accounts he is for me too....so I don't want to keep getting deeper in to it without kinda establishing this for certain.

I think in years gone by I'd have been like "So, you wanna have kids" and it was grand because we were twenty something but I guess in your thirties when you've just gotten in to a serious rship it's a little heavier.

Any tips?

Funny Feeling

What's the problem with asking him?

Life is short if you want kids you need to know how he feels. No point in wasting time if it's a deal breaker for you.

Katgurl

Honestly just say to him "do you see yourself having kids someday?" No frills and let him answer.

You're not asking him to have them with you in the morning or at all. It is a reasonable question and one which needs to be tackled head-on to avoid mixed communication.

LizzieE88

I think you're totally justified asking the question it's a legitimate one which shouldn't be so taboo.

I'd say delivery might be the most important as in when you ask he doesn't think you want to start planning a family next week kind of thing but that it's on the cards for ye both eventually. Chances are he's contemplated the same things as you already

leggo

Start with mentioning for sure you want kids in a casual way. Usually that's enough to prompt a response either way from someone else. If it doesn't, there are a million ways you can drop it in without it sounding loaded, "What about you have you ever thought about it?" It's a stupid question, of course he has (though whether he's decided is another story), but it conveys the casualness you're looking for.

tara73

why not ask and say it as it is. that you don't plan to have kids the next ...add in your timeframe...but you would like to ask if he's on the same page there.
I wouldn't throw in subtle hints anymore, I think you tried it and he's not reacting to hints in a clear way.

SusanC10

Katgurl wrote: »

Honestly just say to him "do you see yourself having kids someday?" No frills and let him answer.

You're not asking him to have them with you in the morning or at all. It is a reasonable question and one which needs to be tackled head-on to avoid mixed communication.

Something along the lines of above.

My ex-boyfriend didn't want kids. It was a dealbreaker for me. We hadn't spoken about it directly although we had been together over 2 years but I had an idea so decided to bring it up.

So we had been at a wedding where there were a lot of children and he had made some comments on the behaviour of some of them. So I waited until we got back to his place and asked something along the lines of above. And asked him to be honest with me.

We still have mutual friends and he is from the same rural area as me and he has never had kids.

daheff

So if he says he doesn't want kids, are you going to break up with him?


If the answer is yes, then ask ASAP so you don't get too involved or string him along until you do get around to asking.

If the answer is no, then there's no rush in asking?

beans

Good advice above. I always figured this was something to discuss early in a relationship. If you scare someone away by having a frank discussion about having children, you've probably dodged a bullet.

Neyite

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying "do you want children someday" in the early days. So don't drop hints or leading conversations. just ask it straight.

I was clear from the start that children/family life was important to me, and that it was important to me that the person I was falling for was on that same wavelength as me. Luckily he was.

However, what my partner didn't initially think about was the timing of how long having your family can take. It can take up to a year for some couples to conceive. Longer if there are any issues. So, say he wants 3 kids, with a gap of 18 months between each age then from start to finish could take at least 4/5 years to achieve. We were together a while but I just got a bit pished one night and did the maths with him and he was a bit surprised. Then kind of forgot all about it. He came back to me a week later to suggest we start trying for a baby asap.

shesty

Don't see anything wrong with starting out with a general 'so where do you see this going?" Type question.I mean to be honest at your age (my age too) it's an adult question to ask.If you've been together a while, even a few months, then you just want to know do you want the same things or are you wasting your time.It's a conversation that does probably need to encompass things like marriage, houses, and kids and general long term stuff anyway, so I think it's reasonable.

vectorvictor

Good to find out if you are putting time into something thats not going to give you what you want. But a few months ? I think id freak out and run a mile even if it was on the agenda.

Get to know each other and the answer will reveal itself naturally when it is something you both want. Until that point it would be pressure and a turn off.

cleopatra11

Be upfront and honest. I had that conversation with my partner after a month of dating. We are both late thirties. He has a daughter from his marriage so I needed to know. I am still not 100% sure if I want kids but I needed to know he was open to it.
If he had said no to kids then I would not have invested more time in him. If a child is something you really want or think you want then you have to ask.

the_pen_turner

I wouldn't rush straight into the question. it could back you come off really bad.

I would create a situation that made the question more predictable and not crazy
maybe borrow a friends child for a few hours when you two are there. make it look like your friend needs an emergency babysitter. have some fun playing with the kid. when the kid is gone home you have a great opportunity to talk about the child and ease into it.
its a perfectly fine thing to want to know it just that you have to be careful not to looking crazy

Tigger99

I think it looks far more crazy to fake an emergency babysitting situation than to just ask someone do they see themselves having kids in the future.

If they are freaked out by the question a few months in then they aren't a match for you.

the_pen_turner

Tigger99 wrote: »

I think it looks far more crazy to fake an emergency babysitting situation than to just ask someone do they see themselves having kids in the future.

If they are freaked out by the question a few months in then they aren't a match for you.

if I was going out with someone for only a few months and out of the blue they started on about us having kids I would think they are crazy and really make me question the relationship

gently creating a situation that allows the light hearted discussion isn't crazy

Tigger99

There's a big difference between asking someone if they want kids eventually and suggesting they start a family there and then. It's all about the approach you take. Without creating fake situations.

Also if you think someone is crazy for asking the question a few months in then maybe it's an indication that you are far from ready to think about it yourself. Which is fine. But the other person might be.

the_pen_turner

its not the conversation that I think is crazy its how you start it.
there is a huge difference between being around kids , maybe playing games with them etc and one side casually asking would you like to have kids someday. that's just general conversation

and saying we need to talk , how do you fell about kids. I want to know if you want them in the future. that is very formal and serious. that would make me think that the person was thinking and dwelling on it for a while , and that they really want kids. maybe do anything to get them. it just sets off alarm bells. might be nothing in it but it would raise doubts in the relationship

witchgirl26

Oh come on they're both in their mid-30's per the OP not teenagers. Asking straight out if the other person wants kids someday (i.e. not tomorrow!) isn't exactly bordering on crazy. Most people around that age are considering settling down and having a family so hardly a bolt from the blue. I think it's sensible and smart to discuss that with someone. There's no point tiptoeing around it if you're a woman in your mid-30's who does want children in the future. I'm not saying jump on them screaming "give me babies" but a grown up discussion about it in a relationship.

OP I would just start a natural conversation about the relationship itself and say that you would like children in the future so wanted to get his take on it. It's good to make sure that you're both on the same page in regards the relationship and if you're not, then to be able to end it before either has gotten in too deep.

lawred2

If you want kids then you'd better get asking asap because mother nature is not hugely on your side I'm afraid. Time is not a luxury for you so if you're serious about such matters then there isn't much point hanging about.

You will need to ask yourself how you'd respond to him saying no.. if you think you'd leave then it's best for the both of you to ask the question now.

AustinLostin

I would say to him that 'I know its a bit early but if this works out - in the future having a conversation about kids is something I want to have.' I did this myself - I didn't say I wanted or didn't want them - just that we would need to have the conversation at some point. He was fine with it.

Plus if he's dead set against them - he'll probably just pipe up at this point and let you know so you basically have the answer then.

osarusan

Seeing as you have been in the relationship a few months and are mature people in your mid thirties, I think that even if you go down the casual 'do you see yourself having kids in the future?' route, it will probably be fairly obvious to him anyway that you are actually exploring the possibility of the two of you having kids together.

But I don't think there is anything wrong with it being obvious. If him not ever wanting to have kids is something that would mean the relationship ends, then you need to find out anyway, and the more clarity (rather than vagueness) the better.

You said it's something you want to 'establish for certain' so I'd be in favour of a less casual and more direct approach.

LegacyUser

I'm just gonna throw it out there.

You've been together a 'few' months. Even if he wants children, it doesn't mean he'll want them with you.

You're still in the very early stages of your relationship. If he states yes I wouldn't mind kids in the future and you settle with this as affirmation. Who's to say that you won't break up in a few years time and you're starting again.

Just because you're in the ticking time bomb for conception, doesn't mean you need to pick the first person to have kids with. As a man if this question was put to me that quickly in a relaltionship I would worry. I would worry that someone sees me as a last resort to have children after dating for a few months.