women who everything perfect

girlwithq

Hi all

I had a tough up bringing. I came from social welfare, unemployment and parents wanted me out of school after JC to work to bring home money for family.
Somehow I managed with huge rows to stay and finish my LC. My sibling and I are all affected by our upbringing. My other sister wouldn't spend a penny on herself. Lives at home with our parents still a virgin. I feel so sorry for her.


Instead I left home got a basic job. Job was tough and all the difficulties of work life. I had lots of physical health problems over the years. As a result of my upbringing, I'm also disconnected from my parents. as a result I have never had anyone to call when I need help.

I've missed out on so much. nights out, boyfriends(never had one), attending wedding and parties, hen dos. I have NEVER got a wedding invite.
I watch my money. I'm so embarrassed when people talk to me at work. I have nothing to say about my life. I also have a physical health problems which I have to deal with.

In my day job, I see so many girls who are so full of confidence, educated, boyfriends, great parents. They talk about getting their hair and nails done. They flaunt themselves. For what is is worth SOME of these girls are lovely and have helped me greatly in my job.

I grown to enjoy and love solitude. But another part of me really wants to be part this.

I look at my skin and physical appearance in the mirror and see how of years of NOT taking care of my skin I've aged and I look at girls who are educated, look after themselves boyfriends buying houses their skin is great.
My physical problem is more of a concern. I'm 35

Does anyone ever feel this way?

LirW

I know exactly what you're talking about. I was raised by a single mom after she broke from my dad who was alcoholic and we were piss poor and up until my late teenage years we were struggling so much. My mom couldn't afford clothing, we were quite used not having school lunches and just one meal a day (ahhh cornflakes dinner), we didn't even have the money for bed covers yet she was working all the hours so we can make it by to the end of the month.

That upbringing sticks with you. You miss out. Also everyone in your childhood notices that you're poor and you don't matter as a poor child. I was very ambitious in school yet I had even teachers making my life hell because we struggled so much paying even small things for the school. I never had the particular box of crayons our art teacher wanted or all the equipment for maths. I never went on school trips because I felt so bad it would cost us too much.
You are getting isolated, you aren't getting birthday invites (and you couldn't even afford a present) or never go on playdates with class mates.
Struggling with poverty your whole childhood really has an effect.

Whenever my partner, who had a very sheltered childhood, talks about his teenage years or whatever it's very hard on me. I never had that, I never had friends beside all the other poor kids from mostly immigrant families that were in the same situation. It's upsetting to think if we would have been in school together he most likely would never have liked me because I was the outsider and poor.

And I'll also never get a wedding invite myself, nor will I for a hen.
I'm not going to get togethers of my old class, because I don't even live in the country but it's just all so sore and I don't wanna have anything to do with them really.

I know how you feel, it feels like that you've been through a lifetime of hardship.
Something that helped me so much is leaving the past behind and focus forward. Setting myself goals and working towards it, even if it's just a weekend for one self helps so much.
I stopped the comparing a long time ago, people won't understand how hard this is when you've never been in the situation of going to bed hungry or telling the teacher again that you can't pay the few euros for whatever. The others don't matter, you matter.
Look at yourself, you made it a lot further and you broke out of the circle, you're setting an example for all the kids that are now coming from a poor background.
I can only urge you to look after yourself, sort your health out and give yourself a reward for all you're doing. Is it a shopping day or just a day trip to somewhere you always wanted to go to, this will help you. You write your own book and you're in charge of it. It's never too late.

Be kind to yourself, you've done an awful lot!

And maybe it would help speaking to a professional, even just a session or two, it's a huge relief to talk about it.

Mars Bar

Mod

Hi girlwithq,

I've moved your thread from the Ladies Lounge to Personal Issues as it's more appropriate and you'll get more responses here. Please read the P.I charter before continuing to post.

Mars Bar

December2012

Why (do you think) you haven’t made friends as an adult? In your job do you have nights out - do you socialise?

.......

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I've read your thread with interest and at risk of being immediately disliked for my contribution.....I will take the chance.

The grass is always greener on the other side

I am possibly one of the "perfect" girls you refer to. Although, believe me, things ain't perfect. I grew up in a solid family and was afforded every opportunity. Many of which I took for granted and squandered. In fact, had I been raised in your circumstances I doubt I would have gotten as far as you have.

I have a good relationship with my folks, plenty of friends and an amazing boyfriend who would pretty much move the earth for me if I asked him too. I've a MINI I bought new last month.... I spend a fortune on my appearance and I train in the gym 4 nights a week and eat very expensive clean food so I'm in good shape, I get invited to too many weddings - but seriously, that is no measure of anything - weddings are bloody expensive and between hen parties and presents you can quickly use up your holiday days and budget for the year.

So, that's my outward persona.

Let's dig a little deeper.

I'm 35. When I was 30 I was admitted to a rehab facility following a 10 year struggle with bulimia. Although I am in recovery I will never have a healthy relationship with food. No one in my family knows this because they are all just so happy I'm in recovery now.

I live in my overdraft and every time I hear one of my friends is engaged my heart sinks a little because I wonder how the hell I am going to afford this one...

My mortgage is €1200 a month and i'm in massive negative equity.

I have a huge circle of friends but only 2 close friends who are never around much because they have children, I haven't actually seen my best friend in about 2 months.

So, yea, my problems probably seem silly but I just wanted to say that no one is perfect, everyone has some kind of struggle and it's relative to them. I would die before I admitted to anyone that I had money or food problems and I'm fully aware that's my own insecurity and unhealthy habit of always portraying this kind of "together" thing.

I'm fragile.....and insecure....and vulnerable.

Also, totally secondary but for the record - as someone who is a little obsessed with appearances - a mid-range €15 night cream will do more for your skin than you can ever possibly imagine.

Nobody's perfect and nobody is perfectly happy. We're all just trying to figure it out, some of us are just better at the marketing

Yellow pack crisps

Nobody is totally happy, fulfilled or has it all. We tend to look outwards at situations and see them how we want our own life to be, in most cases this is not reality. The happy popular person is/can be as fuc*ked as how you describe yourself, they just display it in different ways! Ways you’re blinded to see. Forget about all your happiness. Forget about what makes you unhappy, forget about your childhood! Your upbringing is not all that uncommon! Again just different scenarios and degrees! Focus on small changes, focus on what you want and what will make you feel just a little bit better, remember we’re all unhappy sometimes just as we are sometimes happy. Eat healthy and look after your skin and drink loads of water. In a month your skin will have shown improvement and this will be full filling and you will see how a small change in your being can give you immense confidence to succeed in ways you want too

Flower124

girlwithq wrote: »

Hi all

I had a tough up bringing. I came from social welfare, unemployment and parents wanted me out of school after JC to work to bring home money for family.
Somehow I managed with huge rows to stay and finish my LC. My sibling and I are all affected by our upbringing. My other sister wouldn't spend a penny on herself. Lives at home with our parents still a virgin. I feel so sorry for her.


Instead I left home got a basic job. Job was tough and all the difficulties of work life. I had lots of physical health problems over the years. As a result of my upbringing, I'm also disconnected from my parents. as a result I have never had anyone to call when I need help.

I've missed out on so much. nights out, boyfriends(never had one), attending wedding and parties, hen dos. I have NEVER got a wedding invite.
I watch my money. I'm so embarrassed when people talk to me at work. I have nothing to say about my life. I also have a physical health problems which I have to deal with.

In my day job, I see so many girls who are so full of confidence, educated, boyfriends, great parents. They talk about getting their hair and nails done. They flaunt themselves. For what is is worth SOME of these girls are lovely and have helped me greatly in my job.

I grown to enjoy and love solitude. But another part of me really wants to be part this.

I look at my skin and physical appearance in the mirror and see how of years of NOT taking care of my skin I've aged and I look at girls who are educated, look after themselves boyfriends buying houses their skin is great.
My physical problem is more of a concern. I'm 35

Does anyone ever feel this way?

Hun,
I had a similiar background. I grew up where I wasnt loved, wasnt appreciated, told I was fairly ****. Not just by family, by the community I was in.
You can do something!
The best thing I ever did was move away from Ireland. The absolute best thing. Due to not having family look after me it made me incredibly strong, independant, and able to see the world. I have moved to places where people appreciate me and tell me I am incredibly beautiful. I remember being in one country and a man told me 'you are so beautiful, you dont see it, see yourself through my eyes, ' because I had it said to me all the time I was worthless and ugly as a child. Being away from Ireland has healed me. And I can say that there was one positive to my bad start in life. I can depend on myself, I can travel by myself no problem, and i have travelled farrer and wider than some women who had 'sheltered lives'. You are still young life is for living. I am proof that you can have a happy life without a family supporting you. Make your own life!

suicide_circus

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.”

Everyone has their insecuties, baggage and torments. Most of us are about a month away from the poor house or the psych ward at any one time. We just have to battle on. Stop comparing yourself to others - it will always make you feel bad.