Wife's daughter a handful

Lim458

I am very much in love with my new wife,the problem is her 16 year old daughter she speaks to me very badly and I am finding this very hard can anyone give me advice on how to handle this situation please

GritBiscuit

Is it something the daughter does when there are no witnesses?
What does your wife say/do?

Ursus Horribilis

Can you give us more detail? Such as examples. When the problem started. What you've said to your wife and what she has to say about it.

charlietheminxx

Teenagers are a lot of work OP. Surely you considered the implications of being a stepfather before marrying her mother? The new family dynamic could also be feeding into the situation.

I’m speaking from experience, my stepdad probably thought I was a nightmare at that age but we all got through it and I love him to pieces.

I feel really sad to see you say that it wants to make you walk away. When you married a parent, you didn’t just take on a wife, you’ve taken on a family and there will be difficult times as part of that.

Big Bag of Chips

How long are you married? How long have you known your wife and her daughter? Teenagers are difficult. Sometimes the natural bond a parent has with them makes it easier to love them despite their inbuilt selfishness and ungratefulness than if you have no emotional bond with them.

You and your wife need to sit down at a relaxed time. Maybe when her daughter isn't around and discuss the parenting plan. You need to not go at this with "she's ungrateful, you're wrong, you should back me up". That will do nothing but get her back up and immediately put her on the defensive. Maybe a parenting class would help both of you. "Blended families" can be difficult and don't come naturally to everyone.

Talking it out with your wife first and then agreeing some rules with the daughter will help. She's still only a child, but in her mind she's grown up and doesn't need you getting on to her. Communication is the key. On all sides.

The daughter may not like you, she's not obliged to. You may not particularly like her, you're not obliged to. But you both need to learn how to tolerate each other and work with each other for the sake of the household.

GritBiscuit

I think first things first you need to sit down your wife and put your cards on the table...sure, life with a teen is tough but it should not be you against a snotty teen as well as a mother reluctant to rock the boat....at the same time, it's very difficult to give advice without knowing the specific dynamics involved. Is your wife not getting involved because she doesn't think it's a big deal? Is there a plan of action in place when it comes to discipline? What is your wife doing or not doing that you think she should and is that reasonable given the dynamics?

I'm not asking for details just trying to give you something to maybe mull over and take to the table to discuss with your wife. There needs to be some kind of consensus as to what is acceptable behaviour decided as a couple and then you need to thrash out how much authority each of you have and should be using - unless you are both on board, there will just be a world of resentment building up for everyone.

Best of luck!

Ursus Horribilis

Looking at this from the daughter's point of view, it must be very tough for her. She has lost her mum to this new man who's living in her home, sleeping in mum's bed and taking up a lot of her time. It's not just mum and daughter any more. You are an interloper. And now that you're married, it looks like you're not going anywhere. It doesn't matter what kind things you've done for her in the past. You're an interloper and now you won't go away. I wonder is she trying to split you up? I've got friends whose parents have moved on to second relationships. Believe me, not all of them are Brady Bunch happy families. In some cases they're barely tolerating the new partners. The difference is they can pretend because they're not hormone riddled teenagers living at home.

You're going to have to lay your cards on the table with your wife when things are less fraught and talk through what to do next. She needs to understand her marriage is in danger here. Perhaps it is something that'll need some professional help to get through. I don't know. But it's better to talk than to walk. And (having seen your update) - your wife has got to stop washing her hands of this. It's her daughter here, not yours.

Dev84

Lim458 wrote: »

She can be very ignorant and ungrateful she is very lazy .my wife does not say much but in the latest row she has sided with her daughter which is so hurtful.she is liable to say it wife anyone is around and her mother barely corrects her I am the only one whom she speaks to like this.rhanks for your reply

Shes 16. Dont take it to heart.

LeinsterDub

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Looking at this from the daughter's point of view, it must be very tough for her. She has lost her mum to this new man who's living in her home, sleeping in mum's bed and taking up a lot of her time. It's not just mum and daughter any more. You are an interloper.

The daughter is 16 not 3.

Ursus Horribilis

So? He'd have an easier time with her if she was 3.

Dev84

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

So? He'd have an easier time with her if she was 3.

Yes. Teen girls are sh×theads. Always have been always will be.

GritBiscuit

Lim458 wrote: »

Thanks my wife does absolutely nothing regards discipline the daughter goes to bed all hours and is on social media once school is finished she does no house work I agree with you about having rules at home but there is none here I have bent over backwards for this child but am struggling with this now.
Recently my wife had a problem with my daughter and I sorted it out turned out it was a misunderstanding b my wife s refusing to talk to me about it she says myself and her daughter should sort it out between oursevlves

You can't sort this out without the support, help and guidance of your wife - its a minefield you just shouldn't have to navigate.

You, as the outsider (as it were) cannot come in and start making demands and laying down the law - it's a recipe for disaster. Would your step-daughter and wife consider family counselling? It may seem drastic but it's better than walking away or causing irreparable damage by trying to control without the supports in place.

Stheno

Lim458 wrote: »

When my wife had a little problem with my daughter my wife told me that she expected me to stand by her so surely now it should be the same for me on this on going issue am I wrong to think like that ?

Yes

Their relationship has an entirely different dynamic

When I met my partner he'd a daughter that age and it was a nightmare

9 years later we often all go out for dinner on a Friday

Gorgeousgeorge

Sorry to tell you chief but i know from personal experience a mother will always side with her daughter and think the best of her. Its the motherly instinct kicking in.

Stheno

Gorgeousgeorge wrote: »

Sorry to tell you chief but i know from personal experience a mother will always side with her daughter and think the best of her. Its the motherly instinct kicking in.

It's more parental than gender specific to be fair.

Do not come between a parent and their children

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
Lim458, engaging posters in Personal Issues in a pm exchange is a breach of the Forum Charter which we take very seriously.

Please read the stickies at the top of the Forum for our reasons.

GritBiscuit

Lim458 wrote: »

I never made demands I am not that type of man .

I'm not suggesting for a second you are - just highlighting that approach would not work even if you were.

njs030

In what scenario is this happening?
Is she just walking over to you and shouting abuse or are you telling her what to do and she's getting annoyed?

Gorgeousgeorge

Stheno wrote: »

It's more parental than gender specific to be fair.

Do not come between a parent and their children

yes, but in this case its her daughter

December2012

Generally, children are looking for a reaction and attention. This is not a bad thing. They are testing boundaries of safety and social situations in a safe setting.

Without knowing more, you should not give negative attention and only give positive attention

This girl is not your enemy. She is a teenager and her mother knows her better. However a parenting course for both of you can only help you both with realistic aims.