Politely moving on

LegacyUser

Well folks,

Hope your weekend was enjoyable. Im having a bit of bother over a relationship, if you could call it that, and my mates have not exactly been forthcoming with advice.

Last summer i broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. We got on really well, and i still miss her a lot but she was extremely controlling, insecure and me being with her wasnt doing her any favours at finding herself. Nearly immediatley after the breakup i met a girl on an night out, got her number and we texted for weeks but it wasnt anything for her except relief from the boredom i suppose. She was a gorgeous girl, but im probably not her type and reeked of post break up lunacy. We stopped texting gradually.

In october, i was set up on a date by a friend, his girlfriends best mate was single. I liked the idea of going out and dating without having the whole niteclub approach thing. I met the girl before christmas and there was a good connection on the night, and we met another night and had a good time. However, i couldnt converse properly with her, shes been out of relationships for a while and wants something serious. Im looking for someone interesting that doesnt need another person to be complete, hypocritical i know.

We texted intermittently, and i wasnt too pushed to see her again. The summer fling started to message me again and i immediately lost interest in the girl i was dating, which sums up how much i was interested in the first place. However, i quickly remembered why the summer thing ended. She'd message me and when i replied, she wouldnt reply for days.

All this time the girl i was dating was wanting me to meet up. I was feeling lonely after the summer fling forgot me so i arranged a double date night at a carnival with my mate and his girlfriend. All was going ok but i knew inside that what i was doing was wrong so i tried no to get too close. Who goes out on a date with someone despite not being interested? ChickenCurryCarryOn thats who! Problem was is the this girl got a picture taken at a booth of the two of us, like a couple. She asked if i wanted a copy and i said yeah but forgpt to take it.

Christmas came and i didnt really text her apart from a happy christmas message she sent, i replied but didnt reply when she asked how i was. I wasnt great to be honest. I kept thinking about my ex girlfriend.

Fast forward to last night, i met with my mate and i havent texted this girl since. Shes lovely but i really cant see myself growing to like her. He gets drunk and tells me that shes really wondering why i didnt reply to her. I want to be a nice guy and not leave her feeling like the summer fling made me feel. But i dont want to give her false hope. What way should i give her the respect she deserves but clearly im not able to delve out myself.

Airyfairy12

I think you need to slow down. Youre making it sound like this girl is in love with you or something which doesnt sound like the case at all. If you dont want to lead her on then stop texting/meeting her out of boredom. Dont contact her, dont ask your mates about her, leave her alone. She'll be fine.

Bambi985

Yeah she'll get the hint, if she hasn't already. I mean, a direct "you're a great girl but I'm not in the headspace for a relationship at the moment" would've been handy BEFORE you decided to string her along on a date despite having no feelings for her, but how and ever. Perhaps you'll know now for next time. Silence is usually the loudest way to get the message across these days.

NinetyTwoTeam

Sounds like treat em mean keep em keen is working. Dunno why these girls are wasting their time with someone can't even reply to how are you but there you go.

You're not politely moving on you're playing games. Why are you still thinking about your ex, you left her and went off with other women, strung them along then ghosted them, pretty crappy behavior imo

cailin.

It sounds like you're not over your ex, and are stringing along other women when you've no real intention to commit to them or even reply to messages. The point of your thread isn't really moving on politely, you already know you're not interested in this girl. End it once and for all and take some time for yourself to figure out where your head is at and what you would like from dating someone. Figure out whether you want to date casually, or else seriously, because until you figure out what you want yourself you will continue to find yourself in these situations where you're wrecking your own head and not treating women very nicely.

dellas1979

Youre wrecking a decent woman's head for your own.......what?

Sorry, I dont buy the whole "innocent than thou" approach you are using.

If you dont have an interest in someone, tell them. If you do, tell them. If someone is messing you around, let them go.

Your actions are a reflection of your mindset at the moment. But this is not a reason to be all stupid.

You are what you do, OP.

Rekop dog

You're doing exactly the same thing to this girl what the summer fling did to you, she clearly wasn't in to you but still enjoyed the attention.

You've had two things since the break up and neither were mutual. But that's dating. Just become better at realising what you want in someone and continue dating until you find it, all the while maintaining a better level of integrity than you've displayed so far. Get over yourself a bit too, someone isn't going to be in love with you after a few dates so don't have this faux attitude of I don't want to hurt them, people respect honesty more than anything.

Hoochiemama

Just tell her you're not interested instead of filling her with false hope! At least if you tell her, it will sting but its closure for her.

This kind of stringing along behaviour is really hurtful! I dont see why people cant just be up front and honest

LegacyUser

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

Sounds like treat em mean keep em keen is working. Dunno why these girls are wasting their time with someone can't even reply to how are you but there you go.

You're not politely moving on you're playing games. Why are you still thinking about your ex, you left her and went off with other women, strung them along then ghosted them, pretty crappy behavior imo

I’m not trying to do that. If you’re referring to my ex and the girl I was dating as “girls” wasting their time you must be assuming I think I’m some stud. I’m actually the opposite I have a hard time with getting with girls, and I ended my first relationship not because I was treating her mean...to the contrary, she’d lock me in her house some days and be physically abusive.

Sure I’ve been mean to this girl I’ve been dating hence why I’m seeking a solution to this on boards as my friends have not been any help.

It’s not faux honesty, it’s me trying not to hurt someone’s but not knowing how to say it. The girl doesn’t deserve it but she clearly hasn’t moved on if my mates still asking about me.

Bambi985

ChickenCurryCarryOn wrote: »

The girl doesn’t deserve it but she clearly hasn’t moved on if my mates still asking about me.

She just obviously liked you OP, mutual friends, you asked her out a couple of times and then went cold so she’s wondering what happened, that’s all. I’m sure she’s not crying herself to sleep or has a voodoo doll in your name or anything, but it can be confusing and hurtful when that happens in dating, no matter how common this ghosting shyte is these days.

Listen, I wouldn’t blame you, it’s a tough one to manoeuvre especially when it’s someone from your social circle but the best course is usually to stay friendly but don’t be misleading in your intentions or lead someone down the garden path because it’s not really fair and leads to awkwardness down the line when there’s one degree of separation.

If it was me I’d probably leave it at this stage, I’m sure the girl knows what’s up, but learn from this and next time a gentle “you’re great but I’m not really feeling it” is the more mature and honourable way to get out of these situations.

Could you send her a closure text?

"Hi Mary. I know you haven't heard from me in a while and might be surprised to get this message. The truth is I'm not interested in a relationship. I want to apologise for not being up front about this with you from early on, for any mixed messages I gave and for not properly replying to your texts. It was unfair of me to blow hot and cold and I apologise for any hurt that I might have caused. You're clearly a great person and I sincerely wish you all the best for the future."

leggo

One thing I’ve started doing if I ever send these texts is suggesting it’s mutual, eg “I didn’t feel a chemistry to follow up with anything serious, and I’m sure you felt the same there, I just don’t like leaving people in limbo.” Reason being it’s absolutely maddening when you get texts from people you’ve been out with a couple times acting like they’re ‘letting you down gently’, as if you were in love with them when really you weren’t the slightest bit attached because you barely knew them yet. The intent is to be nice but it comes across a bit arrogant and condescending, whereas if you approach it from a mutual standpoint it gives them an easy out that they generally appreciate. Worth keeping in mind here.

Jurgen Klopp

I'd say don't text her at all unless she messages again and then you can do the I'm not feeling it message or if your mutual friends ask just say "she's sound but I don't fancy her" it will get back to her

After not texting since Xmas and to suddenly send her a "closure" message is just plain weird, Jesus no, don't do that.

WIZWEB

OP....Two things. First it sounds like you need to take a break from 'relationships' for a while and do some work on yourself. This may include comprehending your expectations, desires, demands and perceptions of others as well as what you're actually offering a partner. This leads me to my second point....

Ask yourself what and why you're attracted to a controlling/dysfunctional relationship. Hint you're not innocent here. Are you addicted to drama?, was it childhood trauma?, or combined have you normalized passive/aggressive behaviors? Now back to my first point until you iron out these issues among others....

tara73

isn't she the friend of your best friends girlfriend? and your friend already pushed the question what's going on with you and her? so it would be the easiest thing in the world to tell your friend she's a really nice girl but you don't see a real connection between you both. There you have your polite way of telling it because I'm sure your friend will pass it on.

I'm not the one for doing it this way, I like to tell people such things directly, but just saying, you have it even better here if you're so afraid of telling her directly.