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  • 31-01-2018 8:41pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Had decided to dip my toe back into dating after taking some time out. Was married and in two long term relationships but ended all three for different reasons. Was single for almost three years, happily too.

    Am now in my forties and would like to have that someone special in my life and thought I had found him.

    Met him through my work so know him approximately 2 years. See him for a short time three times a week. Always banter between us, he seemed to go out of his way to see me when I was there. He had caught my eye also I might add. He pretended a few weeks ago that he needed to get my mobile number for work purposes but we both knew it wasnt.

    Within ten mins the texts were flying over and back between us and it was just a bit of fun then teasing as time went by. They eventually became quite sexual over a couple of days and involved pictures and short clips, which I might add we were both up for and enjoyed.

    We met up one Saturday during the day and just talked and had a kiss and cuddle, I would then get a kiss and a hug each time I went to his workplace so I thought things were progressing nicely, slow with no expectations.

    Then yesterday when we were talking, again over text as our working hours are opposite shifts, he said something that stopped me in my tracks. I thought about it for a bit then texted him and said that I was confused by what was happening and was going to put my cards on the table.

    I told him that what I thought was happening was we were getting to know each other slowly and hoping it might turn into something meaningful in time. I admitted I was developing feelings for him.

    He texted back and apologised and said it was only about sex for him, he wants a f**k buddy and has no feelings for me at all. His attraction is only purely sexual.

    It stung I have to say and I said that I had no interest in being with him for sex only and that it was ending now because of my developing feelings and to spare hurt further down the line.

    His response was okay so and that it was a shame.

    I dont understand do I have to check if I meet someone now if they are interested in being with me for sex only or for a relationship. Is this the new norm.

    This hurts me more than I like to admit if I am honest, I cant really get my head round it, there was no hint that was what he wanted at all.

    Any input at all?


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    #2
    zoobizoo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,723 ✭✭✭zoobizoo


    He was being a dick. Or, he is a dick.

    Plenty of nice decent guys out there so don't let his attitude, which I'd say is in the minority, put you off finding one of them


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    #3
    Rekop dog
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,584 ✭✭✭Rekop dog


    I don't think he's a dick. All he's done is been honest and clear about what he's looking for. People may say he was insensitive in how he approached it but you really need to be forthright with such things otherwise a wishy washy approach leads to confusion and you being far more hurt further down the line.

    As an aside I wouldn't advise sending pics/vids of yourself to someone outside of a very trusting relationship, especially reckless when it's someone associated with your work .


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    #4
    s15r330
    Closed Accounts Posts: 944 ✭✭✭s15r330


    Rekop dog wrote: »
    I don't think he's a dick. All he's done is been honest and clear about what he's looking for. People may say he was insensitive in how he approached it but you really need to be forthright with such things otherwise a wishy washy approach leads to confusion and you being far more hurt further down the line.

    As an aside I wouldn't advise sending pics/vids of yourself to someone outside of a very trusting relationship, especially reckless when it's someone associated with your work .

    No he wasn't being honest. He didn't admit what he was there for until op mentioned a relationship.
    He knew well what he was at and was just hoping to get his leg over before this convo.

    I've gone through times between girlfriends where I just wanted sex and the first thing i'd do was let girls i'd be texting know that I didn't want a relationship, saves any messiness or hurt down the line.

    So a dick would be an accurate description.

    Move on op, don't waste another minute on him.


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    #5
    Rekop dog
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,584 ✭✭✭Rekop dog


    s15r330 wrote: »
    No he wasn't being honest. He didn't admit what he was there for until op mentioned a relationship.
    He knew well what he was at and was just hoping to get his leg over before this convo.

    .

    He's hardly going to say the first time they ever met through work or wherever that he wants to shag her, that would be wildly inappropriate and borderline sexual harassment. Requires a little getting to know each other which they did and then he stated his intentions clearly.

    Like I'm sure it was on the table for him soon if he they continued dating, but he saved her future feelings by not being the guy who strings the woman along under the pretense of a relationship just to get sex.

    He's done nothing wrong here. We're getting into unjustified male bashing territory if you think otherwise.


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    #6
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,865 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    First time I read it I thought you had met up for a few dates at first, but on second reading it seems you only met for a few minutes a few times a week in work. And then the texts started. I know you are an adult and you enjoyed the titillation of the videos and pics but really you'd want to be a bit more savvy about things like that. If I'm reading it properly you hadn't even been on a date with him at that point?

    I know in this modern day, people are perfectly entitled to engage in whatever they want with whomever they want, but without ever meeting this fella properly you were sexting and sending video clips and photos. You assumed it was leading to a relationship he assumed you were up for a bit of fun.

    Probably a good marker is if you haven't met/dated and messages almost immediately turn sexual, chances are the person is not interested in long talks and getting to know you. In future you'll be a bit wiser to someone who turns it around to sex so quickly.


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    #7
    Xterminator
    Registered Users Posts: 4,727 ✭✭✭Xterminator


    s15r330 wrote: »
    No he wasn't being honest. He didn't admit what he was there for until op mentioned a relationship. He knew well what he was at and was just hoping to get his leg over before this convo.

    I've gone through times between girlfriends where I just wanted sex and the first thing i'd do was let girls i'd be texting know that I didn't want a relationship, saves any messiness or hurt down the line.

    So a dick would be an accurate description.

    Move on op, don't waste another minute on him.

    i disagree too.

    do you think he should have 'looking for a fcukbuddie' on his profile?

    he was honest and open when asked. no games, no false expectations. do you usually sit down on the 1st date and lay out the future? of course not.

    obviously what he wants and what op wants are incompatible. OP needs to move on.


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    #8
    s15r330
    Closed Accounts Posts: 944 ✭✭✭s15r330


    Obviously he isn't going to say the first words out of his mouth "I want to f#ck you only".

    But when the messages turn sexual then you lay it out.

    He said nothing until relationship was mentioned, hardly being upfront.

    Male bashing :D


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    #9
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators Posts: 13,865 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    s15r330 wrote: »
    But when the messages turn sexual then you lay it out.

    Yep - that's when you should have laid it out that you were looking for more than just sex, OP. It turned sexual very quickly. You engaged. He thought you were up for it. You thought you were in/heading for a relationship.

    If you want to go out with someone, maybe at least go out with them first before sending pictures;)


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    #10
    PrincessPoutyP
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭PrincessPoutyP


    Casual encounters are very a norm these days and how quickly a conversation turns sexual once informal communication has started is a pretty good barometer of intentions. I would also suggest meeting up to delete photos and clips of each other, he may be trustworthy with them but everyone has someone else on their phone at least once and they might be scum who forward the files onto themselves etc. There are loads of people still seeing each other with more of a relationship mindset though so don't worry about it too much but if you get to the "I want to hold the heck out of this person's hand and eat breakfast together" check in about their mindset.


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