Can only function among family and friends.

dd972

Pretty much what it says above really, beyond immediate family and friends I seem to have no social effectivity and this has held me back in school, the workplace and life in general, I've long ago accepted that I'm an Introvert and all that entails, however I feel deeply frustrated at witnessing other people's easy ride out in the public sphere, even leaving the house or being in a workplace or a pub seems to induce a physiological change in me, I can crudely describe it as like feeling like a dog that had it's teeth and balls removed.

This lack of social efficacy has also led to all sorts of bother in terms of being misunderstood by people, I sense that being socially effective makes other people 'get you' which in turn seems to induce a relaxed personality and the impression of carrying a light, carefree head on your shoulders, the sort of people who could shout across a street or building site and seem to have a loose, sang froid demeanour about them whereas if I had to do the same thing all sorts of mental self-consciousness would be saying ''who's listening?/ do I look and sound a prat? / did I look and sound a prat?, etc, etc''.

I've heard and had really odd things said about me by people (in pubs and workplaces) who don't know me from a tin of dog food, what bothers me about it is frustration at having a personality that seems to attract this stuff whereas I don't see it happening to the other sort of people I referred to. People who know me have a completely different take on me.

Rubberchikken

Thete will always be people who feel the need to comment negatively about others even to their face. Best thing is learn to ignore them. it takes time but is something that can be learned.

Have you ever attended counselling? It might be helpful to get some coping skills.
Good luck

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dd972

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Points taken but I have a real sense that such stuff doesn't happen to the majority of people, I think of such-and-such a person, then another, and another and every time it's ''nah, that stuff doesn't happen to them,no way!' or 'people don't think about them like that', I find it very hard to believe that loads of people are batting this stuff off as background noise in their everyday lives, It seems very much the case to me that the vast majority of people 'blend in' or get subconsciously seen and accepted by others in a nanosecond whereas for some others that isn't the case.

Airyfairy12

Some people just can't accept that some other people are introverted. They seem to feel that introverts have something wrong with them, need to be fixed.. need to come out of their shell.
I often encounter people who consider themselves to be introverted because they like going for walks or coffee on their own. Yet will socialise regularly at ease. We live in a culture were introverts and shyness are completely misunderstood and looked down upon. I wonder if shy people were treated with respect and consideration on a daily basis would we have so many shy and introverted people? - part of being introverted is becoming drained by social interactions.. this is exasperated by negative interactions - which introverted or shy people experience regularly.
The more negativity you encounter, the more you internalise and the more self critical you can become. All those times that someone gave you a funny look when you said something, spoke negatively to you when you hadnt done anything wrong or offensive, put you down or belittled you in some way just for being in their vicinity, it builds up and becomes your inner dialogue.

People dont do it to confident people because they know they will get as good as they give and will have to deal with confrontation - they dont want this, they want to feel superior and they know a quiet person who maybe doesnt always say the wittiest things in social situations is less likely to call them out on their ****ty behaviour and create a confrontation or stand up for themself. I think introverted and shy people get to see a side of others that other people dont see.

I had a few years of social anxiety and agoraphobia. Leaving the house was immensely difficult and speaking to people was impossible,literally. I would freeze, shake, repeat myself over and over -ask the same question multiple times as I was so frightened I would have already forgotten their answer, jumble up my words ect,, it was horrible. I always remember the people who were nice to me during those times, and when I say nice I mean they simply had a little bit of patience and didnt judge me harshly and ill always remember the people who treated me badly - People who share autism and suicide awareness and 'be nice to everyone you meet' posts on facebook, have loads of friends, work in caring positions ect. For all these people knew I could very well have had a disability. It really speaks volumes about them and their true character than it does about me or you.

As others have suggested maybe some counselling would be beneficial.

dd972

''I had a few years of social anxiety and agoraphobia. Leaving the house was immensely difficult and speaking to people was impossible,literally. I would freeze, shake, repeat myself over and over -ask the same question multiple times as I was so frightened I would have already forgotten their answer, jumble up my words ect,, it was horrible. ''

Sorry to hear about this stuff, sounds horrible, the thing is in my case is that I'm well able to act in such a way that prevents what you describe happening, but socially nothing seems to ''go anywhere'', I have flashbacks to my early 20's, at least three mates had already hooked up with future wives, looking back they seem to have been able to 'tell life what to do' via their personalities whereas I seem to have been sold a dud at birth.

I am wilfully agoraphobic, spend 20-30 days indoors at a stretch because everything seems to have been an utter waste of time and effort, I want to be in certain situations, decent job/income, partner, kids, but my personality prevents me from having that stuff, there's no depression as such just resigned and bitter from time to time.

Airyfairy12

dd972 wrote: »

''I had a few years of social anxiety and agoraphobia. Leaving the house was immensely difficult and speaking to people was impossible,literally. I would freeze, shake, repeat myself over and over -ask the same question multiple times as I was so frightened I would have already forgotten their answer, jumble up my words ect,, it was horrible. ''

Sorry to hear about this stuff, sounds horrible, the thing is in my case is that I'm well able to act in such a way that prevents what you describe happening, but socially nothing seems to ''go anywhere'', I have flashbacks to my early 20's, at least three mates had already hooked up with future wives, looking back they seem to have been able to 'tell life what to do' via their personalities whereas I seem to have been sold a dud at birth.

I am wilfully agoraphobic, spend 20-30 days indoors at a stretch because everything seems to have been an utter waste of time and effort, I want to be in certain situations, decent job/income, partner, kids, but my personality prevents me from having that stuff, there's no depression as such just resigned and bitter from time to time.

I wasnt suggesting that you have social anxiety, depression or experienced anything similar to myself.. I was just making the point that some people are dicks, particularly if youre quiet and they can get away with it. so dont take their negativity to heart. Its not you, its them.

I do understand what you mean, being able to effectively socialise and get along with people is very important for progression in any part of life, it brings you more friends and closer connections, it stops people disrespecting you and you get away with allot more, not to mention the benefits in terms of furthering career prospects, the doors it opens and increased life experiences.

Charisma plays a role I think, lots of people dont have much charisma and they dont always get on as well in life like others do but that being said I know people who have little charisma yet seem to get on well, nice house, car, friends, job, travelled ect, theyve just got allot confidence.
I think being a very insecure/self critical person plays a part in this too. If you dont respect yourself, others wont respect you either, you need to own your space and be self assured in order for people to take you seriously. Its difficult when its not natural for you but I suppose like anything you can train yourself to do it over time. Also being positive is important and to keep working on those goals. They wont work if you dont.

Jay Pentatonic

"No one cares. Seriously, no one cares."

I wrote that on a Post-It every single day for eight months and placed it discreetly on my desk at work.
That Post-It would be looking up at me from 9-5 every single day for eight months.

No one cares. Seriously, no one cares.

Eventually, this phrase became ingrained in my head and helped me relax among colleagues & strangers (people who weren't family or friends) and led to me not giving a sh*t about how I interacted with others.
I became more natural with people, more confident and actually took pride in being an introvert.

Worth a try.

Others here have suggested counselling, from my own experience I can only say that it's worth a try as well.

Best of luck man. And for the record, I'm not a family member or a friend of yours, but I laughed at your tin of dog food comment...so you mustn't be all bad!
You'll be okay