Parents a little dependent on me

LegacyUser

So, I'm the youngest of 3, I'm 37 and have an older sister living a few hours away - married with kids and my brother lives in Canada.

I've been the best part of single for 7 years and also bought a home 10 mins from my parents. My sister doesn't get to see them very often and rarely visits, when she does it's on a Sunday for 2 hours once a month and it's always a flying visit. My bro, understandably doesn't get home much.

Now, I adore my folks, they are wonderful people and I'm delighted to do all I can for them. They have always been incredibly grateful and we established pretty regular routines, I never really see them during the week as I am busy in work and training but I'd be over every saturday with the papers and an apple tart and on a Sunday I'd bring my mum for lunch somewhere before heading home to their house and helping her cook the dinner.

During this time they have always said they want me to meet someone and they worry about me when they are no longer around etc etc.

About 6 months ago I met someone and it's moved quite quickly, I've been gradually spending more and more time with him to the point where I'm popping in to my folks during the week even though this puts me under a bit of stress and also trying to see them on a Sunday night or whenever I have an hour to spare at the weekend. When I'm leaving they always say "Aw, are you going already?" and a little piece of me dies....

They have met him and adore him, they are delighted for me. I am SO Happy with this new guy, and he really understands as he does a lot for his mum who is widowed (but a lot younger) But I can't help but feel this horrendous guilt knowing that they are not getting any younger and feeling terrified that one day they won't be around and I'll have abandoned them quite selfishly to have my own relationship when they were here....

I've told them I'd drop everything if they ever need me, this is true, I would. But at the same time I do want to be in this relationship more than anything - but I feel like going off enjoying myself with him is causing me so much guilt

Dial Hard

How old are your parents, OP? Have they an active social life of their own at all? My parents are in their 70s and while they're delighted to see any of us (I'm the youngest of 5) when we call over there's certainly no expectation on us to do so on a weekly basis or anything like that. They're both healthy and independent (my Dad is still a referee for the United Churches league and my mum is the president of their golf club), have a large circle of friends and don't rely on us for company or social interaction (although we do socialise as a family a lot and are all going on a long-haul holiday together this year).

Is it that you feel that you're your parents only social outlet? If this is the case, I can see how that would be stifling/guilt-inducing. BUT, the fact of the matter is that you have to live your own life and it's not selfish of you to want a relationship of your own. You need to come to an accommodation with yourself on this - nothing you've said even remotely sounds like you've "abandoned" your parents; in fact, your care and concern for them is very apparent.

osarusan

I don't think your thread matches the title at all, your parents don't seem dependent on you (fortunately).

Instead, you seem a bit guilty that you aren't able to devote as much time to them as you used to be able to. The might be a bit sad about that, but for the most part, they seems delighted that you are in a relationship and happy about the person you are in that relationship with.

I very much doubt that your parents think there is any reason for to feel guilty at all, or feel abandoned in any way. While they might miss you around the place as much as you used to be, I'd guess that they are more than happy that your absence is caused by your happy relationship with somebody they think is lovely too.

If you feel the need to do something, perhaps you could explain this feeling of guilt to your partner and suggest to your them that both of you set aside one day out of every X days for you both to spend with parents (mother only in his case). One full day out of every month to spend with them - would that be something you'd both agree on?

Hannibal_Smith

Have your parents said they want to see so much of You? Have they asked for you to call in so much?

Your relationship with your parents sounds lovely and not like the thread title suggests. I would imagine they know full well that you will move on with your own life, they'd expect that of you and said as much to you.

I have kids, a job, a husband etc but I still manage to see my folks at least once a week. I can imagine they ask are you leaving, because they enjoy seeing you. But I can't imagine they would want you to interpret it as an obligation?

I'm guessing a lot, but perhaps see what time you can visit that suits you best. Of course it will be effected by your new boyfriend, but your parents would not expect it to be any other way. Fair play to you for doing so much for them and for even thinking this way!

Ghekko

You seem to be creating an issue where there isn't one. Your parents wanted you to meet someone, you have, they adore him so no doubt they are thrilled for you. Life moves on and everyone needs to adjust. Your parents have each other. Surely they also have friends who they see during the week. Do they engage in any hobbies? If not you could encourage this. You might find the tables would turn and they won't have time to see you. For now, visit them whenever suits but don't run yourself ragged trying to keep all sides going. Suggest they go to visit your sister for the odd weekend. Stop feeling guilty for trying to make a life for yourself. We don't have kids with the expectation that they will be at our beck and call when they grow up. We have them with the assumption that they will grow up confident and happy, having built a life for themselves. Would you rather spend all your free time with your parents and once they go be left sitting on your own having let the opportunity of a happy relationship pass you by? I doubt it, so enjoy your new fella and perhaps if his mum lives close enough ye could bring the 3 parents out for lunch every couple of weeks or so.

witchgirl26

OP I can understand to an extent but it doesn't sound like they are dependent on you but rather that you are feeling guilty. I can relate. I was the only one living at home for a while with my mam after my dad passed away and we did an awful lot together. Even when I moved out too we'd be over and back to each other but that changed when I got into a relationship. Is my mam sad that I'm not over as much? Course she is, as I expect your parents are too but they still seem to want you to be happy and from your post haven't really mad a thing of it.

The question when you're leaving is something I would have heard a lot from my mam even before so maybe don't read too much into it. To me it just sounds like they like you being there and, of course, are disappointed when you have to go but I wouldn't think it's meant to inflict guilt.

I know the feeling of wanting to make the most of your parents while they are around but you also have to live your life and not put it on hold until their gone as, hopefully for you, that'll be a fair while down the line!

You might find over time, when the relationship settles into a rhythm that you do have more time to spend with them and can split time a little easier.