Failed relationships, am I the issue?

LegacyUser

I have been thinking a lot this January about life choices. I need to write my thoughts down and be completely honest with myself.
I am a well educated, relatively well paid, attractive 27 year old woman.
I am back home saving to buy my first house. I work in a job that involves putting everyone else first. I have a small group of friends with whom I have reciprocal and reliable friendships. I have good colleagues and live a good busy social life. I hike, yoga, meditate and would say I am self-aware.

I have had two relationships. One in my early 20s for 2 years; we grew apart and had no spark and parted. An 8 month relationship also ended 6 months ago, he cheated I confronted him and moved on.

I met someone in November online and we have been dating a lot. 2-4 dates some weeks. He has started to say he is developing feelings for me and wants to move things along. I go through phases of wanting to try again but deep down I know I need to work on myself. Lately, I've become insecure. My judgement is off. I am ignoring some minor red flags with this new guy - for example he's 30 and was with a girl for 5 years but never loved her. He says he never loved anyone and he is motivated by sex. He had a string of casual relationships and has been open about wanting to settle down now but in the last 18 months only lasted 2 or 3 months with girls before he came bored. I have been 100% loyal to him but actively know he has not been to me. He stayed over and his phone was beside me. I didn't touch it or snoop but he had whatsapps from 2 girls, one with a crude sexual reply and another asking was he with "the boring one", assuming she meant me. The messages were on the screen and I still feel bad for even looking at them. Our sex is intense and very good. We have a mixture of dates and I've met his dad and sister. My own family have said that I don't seem myself and seem almost infatuated with this guy because of how much time we spend together. They are old fashioned and always comment on my life but I do get their concern comes from wanting the best for me. My friend met the new guy and said he seems mad about me.
He does make a good effort but I can't get passed one or two white lies he told early on and the fact he was actively on a dating site 3 weeks ago when he said he wasn't. He has said he feels I want the best of both worlds by wanting him to commit exclusively but not calling it a relationship yet expecting the benefits of one. There has been more drama than I am used to with him. I feel I should end it and take a break from men but we get on well and I wouldn't want to miss out. I've been honest with him about where my head is at and he says he will be patient.

Knowing the trust isn't there with him due to some slight worries about how my last failed relationship ended and the little 2 or 3 red flags I've noticed and yet I continue to see him and ignore it. I tried to end it last week but he reminded me we are dating 8 weeks and not yet official. Deep down I know he isn't good enough for me and without sounding mad, I know he would jump into bed with the next available offer. He has no male friends just female friends with whom he has blurred sexual boundaries. He knows what I think and that trust isn't there yet continues to be intense professing that I'm different to other women and good for him.

I get a lot of that paragraph was about him but it gives insight into what behaviours and treatment I am now accepting from men.
I'm considering what needs to change within me. I get the above isn't a huge crisis problem compared to some posters here but i am fed up of pretending that the issue is the men I choose to give my time. There must be a reason for why I end up here.

Other relationship history isn't huge. I've probably slept with 10 people and in between the 2 relationships I dated a little in my mid 20s. I wss always happy in my own company and I want to get back there. I did have a long term friend with benefits in my early 20s too but I don't accept that informal or casual nature from men at this age usually.

I don't have mental health issues and I have been a little anxious and overthinking in the last week.
I considered paying for counselling but I feel like that is admitting I have an issue with how I trust and form relationships. Maybe I have low self esteem and haven't processed the fact someone I invested in cheated on me in the most awful way.

I always see the good in people and am so good at helping everyone else fix their own lives but now i am stuck in my own. I'm just writing this as I think so it's not filtered. Can anyone suggest stuff that will help? Be as honest as needs be, I need to cop on.

Neyite

I am ignoring some minor red flags with this new guy - for example he's 30 and was with a girl for 5 years but never loved her. He says he never loved anyone and he is motivated by sex. He had a string of casual relationships and has been open about wanting to settle down now but in the last 18 months only lasted 2 or 3 months with girls before he came bored. I have been 100% loyal to him but actively know he has not been to me. He stayed over and his phone was beside me. I didn't touch it or snoop but he had whatsapps from 2 girls, one with a crude sexual reply and another asking was he with "the boring one", assuming she meant me.

He's telling you clearly who he is. You accepting that he's not monogamous with you but you are with him is something that could eat you up long term. He sounds like a selfish bloke who is happy to slag you off behind your back, or at least, thinks it's ok for another woman to say it about you. It's like he's got you both vying for attention when really, you should both be thinking that he's a waste of effort.

When you say "I'm considering what needs to change within me." and "I always see the good in people and am so good at helping everyone else fix their own lives" you should think about the connection between the two. It's fine to see the best of people but you've got to acknowledge that most of the time, they don't give YOU the same consideration.

suicide_circus

Come on now, you are one of many to this chap and that's clear. If you don't trust him now you are very unlikely to develop that trust. I'd say move on.
In terms of "is it me" you do seem to be over analysing yourself, once you start going too far down that rabbit hole it's very hard to stop.

Bambi985

Im not remotely surprised you met this guy online. His type are ten-a-penny on these dating apps. No real friends or hobbies beyond serial dating/swiping/shagging and the thrill of the chase. You are very young OP, very bright with the world at your feet and just months after what sounds like a traumatising relationship experience. Is it really important to you to be dating right now? Why don’t you think about taking some time to yourself, to get your head straight and build up your self esteem again.

Honestly, I didn’t get the impression you were completely mad about this guy from reading your post. You can see the red flags, you don’t trust him from Adam, you know he’ll never give you what you need and he’s still a total man-child chasing tail and discussing his “conquests” with other women. Why bother? What are you going to lose here? Precisely nothing, is what.

My advice would be to take a step back, channel your energy into getting happy and confident again, invest time in your hobbies and your job and let the dating stuff happen down the line when your head is in the right place and you’re less likely to fall foul of the wrong men.

Big Bag of Chips

Isitmeorthem1 wrote: »

I tried to end it last week but he reminded me we are dating 8 weeks and not yet official.

What's that got to do with anything?

You are entitled to end any arrangement at any point if it's not what you want. Length of time, or whether or not you're official is irrelevant. If you don't want to see someone again, then it ends.

This fella is playing you. It is all about him and his wants. Whether or not you are "the boring one" is irrelevant. He's obviously seeing a few girls, so any of them could be "the boring one". Or none of them could be "the boring one" and he's just a dick who likes to big himself up! Honestly he sounds like "the boring one". I'd have very little time for that sort of carry on. It might be an arrangement that suits some people, but it is ok to acknowledge that it doesn't suit you.

And you don't need his permission to end it. You tell him it's not working out for you, and you end it.

I wouldn't be clinging on to this one just to avoid another "failed relationship". You need to have a few failed relationships to find the one person you are happy with. Otherwise you're settling.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

Those are not little red flags.

They are clear signs that he is not monogomous or faithful to you or anyone at present.

Unless you want to be in an open relationship you should end it for your sanity.

You are just out of a relationship where someone has cheated so clearly your confidence is low. I doubt you would be accepting of this behaviour otherwise.

Emme

OP please walk away from this player. He's wasting your time. Don't stay with him for the sake of settling with somebody.

Even if you don't have mental health issues talking to a good counsellor for a few sessions would do you no harm. The dating scene now would do anyone's head in.

Would you join clubs or groups where you can get to know people as friends instead of meeting people online or through apps. You are more likely to meet players on apps and dating sites.

If he's not being faithful and you aren't using protection get yourself checked for STDs.

runningbuddy

Hi Op. Do you want an open relationship with this guy? If so, carry on and treat it as such but please, please ensure you use protection because this guy is not faithful but to be honest, he sounds like a Twunt:(. What struck me is, you were referred to as the "boring one" so he has obviously been discussing you with other women.

He is a player OP. You deserve better.

stargazer 68

runningbuddy wrote: »

Hi Op. Do you want an open relationship with this guy? If so, carry on and treat it as such but please, please ensure you use protection because this guy is not faithful but to be honest, he sounds like a Twunt:(. What struck me is, you were referred to as the "boring one" so he has obviously been discussing you with other women.

He is a player OP. You deserve better.

Totally agree! The boring one - OP come on that would have been enough for anyone to get up and leave!

GingerLily

This guy sounds horrible, but your 100% allowing this - where is your self respect?

Riskymove

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

What's that got to do with anything?

You are entitled to end any arrangement at any point if it's not what you want. Length of time, or whether or not you're official is irrelevant. If you don't want to see someone again, then it ends.

I dont think that is what he meant - i.e. I dont think he meant "you cannot break up with me" or "you must keep seeing me"

More that there is no actual official relationship so he does not have to abide by any expected behaviours, be mongomous etc

On one level he is being very open about his view but its a position I'd find hard to put up with

The OP can (and should imo) simply stop meeting him

yosser hughes

Walk away.
You don't need a counsellor now. You will if you stay with this narcissistic creep.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I've been in your shoes. Picking the wrong guys, the ones who were players and narcissistic. For me, it came down to low self-esteem and low self-worth. It took me a very long time and a lot of self-reflection to really realise that as in a lot of ways, I'm very confident and successful in my life.

I was getting off on the surface comments, you know the ones "you are so beautiful, you are so good for me. We could be something special" and using this stuff to ignore the tonnes of red flags that were been thrown at me.

For me it was my lack of self-esteem and belief in myself that I deserved more than surface comments that kept me there with these guys. The little thrill and warmth you get when they make surface comments was in a way, addictive and made it nice to feel wanted and liked.

I did a lot of hard work - spent time on my own, really took a long hard look at myself and my self-worth with an amazing therapist. It's not easy, its hard to look at your vulnerabilities but with that comes a real power. I realised what I needed, what was right for me, what my boundaries are and what I was willing to accept.

I also realised that its a persons actions that really make them who they are, not the words they use. Anyone can say what they want but someones integrity comes out in their actions.

I am now in an extremely balanced and healthy relationship where I feel like an equal and am treated with the love and respect I deserve. And, for this, I am so glad I went to therapy.

You said "I considered paying for counselling but I feel like that is admitting I have an issue with how I trust and form relationships." but if this isn't true then why are you posting here? If this isn't true, why are you ignoring all the red flags??

Also don't see it as admitting something is wrong with you, see it as you wanting to develop your relationship with yourself. The better the relationship with yourself, the better relationships you'll have with men.

runningbuddy

Have been that soldier too OP.

LegacyUser

Thank you for all of the replies and advice.

I told him last night I wasn't feeling it, after two months of dating the trust is either there or it isn't and I can't see it developing as things are.
He admitted last night that he did date around in the past but says he's been loyal and that I have no evidence to suggest otherwise, apart from 1 incident of him lying about POF which was extremely early days. He doesn't know that I've seen the Whatsapps.
He said last night that he hadn't met someone to make him think of changing his approach to relationships. He has had me around family comfortably. He knew I was off last night and is annoyed today saying he thinks I am playing games. I have asked for space and he asked to meet up so I can explain from my point of view. All in all, a budding relationship of 2 months should not be difficult or stressful - there should be no reason to be. He reckons he is in love with me, but I really don't know what to think. Fool me once.... and all that.

Big Bag of Chips

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if he is head over heels in love with you and wants to settle down and spend the rest of his life with you (he doesn't by the way!). If you're not happy, and you don't want that, then that's the decision made. You don't have to continue something that you're nto comfortable with just because the other person says you should.

Maybe he is crazy about you. But we've all been in relationships that were a bit one sided and had our hearts broken. It's life!

There's no point in meeting him. Unless you are thinking about giving it another go. There's no need for reasons or explanations. You're together a few weeks. You hardly know each other. You're not even sure if you're "the boring one" or not!! I'd be cutting contact now. You've told him it's over. What's the point in dragging it out?

runningbuddy

You are not feeling it OP. I suspect maybe it was the Whattsapp message? Even if you are not the "boring" one, it is a ****ty thing to say about anyone and that is testament to his character.

You feel that there is something off about this guy. Go with your gut OP

Bambi985

Honestly if you're creating anonymous threads looking for advice two months into a relationship something's already off. Good sex is not a reason to stay with someone despite a million and one warning signs. I can't see any other reason here.

Him feeding you compliments and telling you he loves you? Means nothing, actually less than nothing given all the red flags. Those are words, they're fairly easy to say. Of course he'll say them too, he's a serial dater who obviously gets off on reeling multiple women in. It validates him. At this stage he is actively trying to convince you to NOT end things, when at two months you should be enjoying each other's company stress-free and not weighing up his actions against his words and making excuses for him being active on other dating apps or ignoring him sending sexy texts to other women.

OP you sound lovely and you deserve more. Even if you're surrounded by a sea of players and cheaters and useless men who make this guy seem like some sort of viable option - you still deserve more. I'd also recommend taking yourself off the dating apps at least for a period of time so you can reclaim your confidence and build yourself up to feel better about yourself. Tinder is not the place to do that!

Rekop dog

So he said he never loved anyone before but is claiming he loves you now after you rejected him because of your doubts, this despite you having blatant evidence he's sleeping with others. He clearly doesn't love you, he's just being highly manipulative in an attempt to win you back.

And re the great sex I always feel in cases like this, you want him to like you so much, and have so much pent up anxiety about whether he's dating others that when you're with him you have a sort of false high and when you're intimate it's more a momentary release of all that agitiaton and tension that causes that feeling of euphoria. So you need to stop attributing it to having a deep connection with him and realise it for what it is in reality.

Big Bag of Chips

Yeah it's a bit suss that he never loved anybody, not even his gf of 5 years, yet after 8 weeks he knows he loves you...?

He's feeding you lines, because his ego won't let him be dumped. Although when he retells the story he'll be telling everyone he got rid of the boring one :rolleyes:

Bambi985

Isitmeorthem1 wrote: »

He says he never loved anyone and he is motivated by sex.

And another thing - this is probably the most honest he has been with you. His actions back it up 100%, far more than they back up this idea that he's "in love" with you.

There's nothing wrong with being motivated by sex - we all are to a certain extent! But in relationships he's motivated 100% by sex to the exclusion of everything else. You are not. You want a meaningful relationship with someone who cares about your needs. You are looking for commitment and emotional investment. It's easy when someone is complimenting you to death and bringing the electricity of sex to the table very early on, to forget about what you value and what you're looking for. I know because I've done it! But my meaningful relationships grew emotionally before they did sexually and sex was just an added part of the puzzle that made the relationship work; not the linchpin around which the entire thing existed in the first place.

You're fundamentally incompatible as people OP.

Airyfairy12

Not only is he lying and sleeping with other women he's laughing about you behind your back, probably while still cuddled up to said women, theyve already nick named you as 'the boring one' - thats how he refers to you. Now im sure this is just to appease the other woman he was sleeping with and make her feel like shes more special than you but that isnt the point. Dont you find it worrying that someone can so falsely seem to be mad about you yet completely disrespect you and talk about you in such a demeaning way to people you dont even know? He sounds like an absolute tool! Im sure he's charming, detached, charismatic and tells you what you want to hear.. like youre 'different' and he's developing feelings for you but you need to wake up, he doesnt mean these thing, he just wants to keep sleeping with you and thats no compliment, its not even about you or sex its about him having his ego stroked and thinking hes so fantastic he can manipulate any woman into putting up with his bull. What do you think is going to happen here? do you think he's going to change his ways and run off with you to get married, have children and remain a loyal and faithful husband.. or do you think he'll continue to be like he's always been, sleep around, tell you he loves you then drop you like a bag of rubbish as soon as you become too difficult?..which sounds most likely to happen?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here.

We spoke on the phone last night. I said I wanted to take some time to myself and he didn't respond well. Initially with anger, saying I mustn't care that much if I can drop him so suddenly.
There was little understanding of even an attempt to understand why I might need some time for me (he knows about my last breakup). I re-read a lot of these replies last night and I think I have known all along that this was going to be a quick burner.

The funny thing is, I don't think I'm an easy woman to manipulate. When you look at the bigger picture when you meet someone new, your intuition and gut reaction are never usually wrong.

I'm not scared to end it or be by myself. If anything, the thought of not allowing someone to live rent free in my head is a huge relief. I agree with the suggestions of taking a break from the dating sites, I didn't date a huge amount. I think a few sessions with a counsellor isn't a bad idea to break some of these thinking patterns and start fresh.

metamorphosis

Some of your responses seem to be focusing more about how he is feeling than what you feel is best for you.

What about you?

This guy appears to be a narcissist. I get the impression you could be a little co-dependent. One feeds off the other in a toxic manner.

You already have evidence. You appear to be a little self deprecating. If you had a healthy attitude to romantic relationships, you would have been long gone. I don't see red flags, I see red flashing warning sings. Mutually beneficial relationships are about healthy open communication and trust and respect.

Go with your gut. Do what you want to do. You don't owe him anything. There is a possibility that it will be you who ends up in a worse place if you continue to stay where you are. You have no control over other people, but you have the power to do what you truly want and what feels right for you.

cailin.

Sounds like you have a lot going for you. You are settling and accepting this behaviour because you are potentially having low self-esteem because of the last break up.
You don't owe him anything, put you first. He does sound narcissistic and it will always be about him and what he needs. Get out, before this develops into further inter-dependency. You deserve better.

PrincessPoutyP

Well done for saying it to him, and tell him too that he can't bully you into being in a situationship you're not comfortable with. He says ye're not exclusive and then gives you grief for not caring enough about him to continue to put up with it? Smell like bog standard double-standard filled emotional blackmailing and completely out of order. And he's said he's motivated 100% by sex and you said have ye have great sexual chemistry he could well by lying to keep access to the sex with you. If he was that bothered about you he'd have made the effort properly and even if he is some people don't know how to stop themselves sending explicit messages or photos to people they shouldn't even when they are in love as they define it so him suddenly discovering the ability to love you most likely won't be a magic fix for his behaviour because it takes a while to learn positive relationship patterns. (There's an improbable possibility he is serious about it so I'm throwing in that last bit)

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here.

Wanted to give an update.

Things didn't exactly end a few weeks ago and I gave him the benefit of the doubt for some stuff, and also being honest I knew where we were heading was not good and still continued to have some dates.
Things came to a head late last week, and he admitted he had been messaging some girl who had been catfishing him. There was some elaborate story anyway but bottom line is he attempted to meet someone else for what was clearly a hook up.
I told him finally that it's over and to leave me alone.

But he has done a total 360 and is being really clingy messaging. I've reduced down my contact now and I am not replying to his grand declarations of love.
Now that it's properly over I can see how toxic it was from the beginning. The intensity of dates, of the sex, of the neediness. There was an element of co-dependency which I recognise.
I just feel like an idiot for tolerating something so out of my comfort zone. I haven't entertained any other unhealthy relationships but I'm starting to think that the low self-esteem might be impacted by the fact my last relationship ended with him cheating in a really callous and awful way. As someone who never had trust issues I certainly have some now.
I have had a session with a counsellor and she is just recommending proper time to heal and self-care.

Thank you all for the advice and perspectives.

Pohappiness

Your councilor was right. Two years ago I was renting and I had this 27 yr girl move in, actually she was going through similar. I suggested she travel for a year find herself and by then most questions you seek will have been answered. She is now in oz 2 years has really developed herself and she is happy and doesn’t need anyone. The world is open, a blank canvas. Good luck. Shine on.

Katgurl

Fair play for cutting contact with him op. Some people can really get under your skin. This is a great opportunity for you to take some time for yourself. You are very young so no rush to meet someone.

All the best.