How to move on from dysfunctional family

LegacyUser

I'm female in my 20s.

I come from a dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic and abusive towards my mother. He wasn't abusive towards me or my sisters as far as I know but I can't forgive my mother for putting up with him for so long and allowing us to live like that for so long.

Four years ago I moved out from home. I just couldn't stick it there. I found the job of my dreams and moved for that.

I have two sisters both older than me. One of them is married with children but I don't have anything to do with her any more because she ignored me and a few of a my messages. I took her actions badly.

The sister closest to me in age, I would have considered us to be close but then something happened. Let's call her Sinead for this post. Before I moved out, Sinead was working long hours. I was never able to understand her wanting to work for so long. She would leave in the morning and not come back until night time.

One night after work she gave out to me. Like, she was furious with me for no reason that I can see. Our whole entire relationship fell down after this. I was hurt by what Sinead said to me. I decided to keep quiet and keep out of her way. Sinead continued to work long hours. We drifted apart.

Before I moved out I sent Sinead a few messages telling her how sad I am to how things turned out between us. I also asked her why she gave out to me. Sinead never replied to me. This sent me into a downward spiral. I started to send her some messages with insults. Sinead never responded.

I knew what I was sending her was bad but I didn't care. I was hurt and I wanted to hurt her.

Eventually I picked up and I stopped. I always hoped Sinead would get in touch with me but she never did.

Fours years on and it's not getting any easier. Lately I found out a cousin got married. I saw on Facebook the wedding pictures and I saw my whole family were there but I wasn't invited. From Facebook, it looks like Sinead had a baby too. I can't be sure on this. From a cousins Facebook she's holding a little baby and reading the comments, it reads to me like thats her baby. I don't speak to my family any more so I don't know.

I am so hurt and upset and livid at all this. All the bad feelings over the row came flooding back to me and I started to rehash the row, over and over in my head.

This is consuming me and blackening my soul.

I sent Sinead a message saying 'Congrats b1tch, I always knew you were a tramp'. She never responded and I continued to send bad messages to her.

Please help me. I don't know how to move on from all this and I need to stop sending her bad messages before it gets me into trouble.

How do I move on from all this

koumi

I've mentioned it a couple of times before and if I could I'd buy everyone a copy but I highly recommend a book called Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. It's particularly helpful for children who have grown up with alcoholic parents or who have come from dysfunctional families. It will definitely help you let go and lighten some of the burdens weighing you down.

I also suggest speaking to your GP and looking into arranging counseling. I know you can apply through CIPC (counseling in primary care) through the HSE if you have a medical card, although you may be waiting a couple of months it is worth doing so the sooner you apply the better. (you will need to be referred through your GP)

In the meantime I suggest prioritizing your own needs right now, don't be so hard on yourself. Start thinking about the things that make you happy, or that you are going to do to make yourself happy. Doing something as simple as taking a walk or having a coffee or listening to some relaxing music to help focus your mind back on your own life. Be gentle with yourself.

Yellow pack crisps

Nothing gives you the right to send nasty and abusive messages. You should look at your own actions before questioning someone else’s. I would strongly suggest going to your GP and getting referred to a psychologist. Your family have cut you off for a reason. It’s not ideal or nice but you should question why? And not start slinging stones. That was a horrible message to send your sister who may or may not even be a mother. You don’t know. You know there is something wrong it’s the reason you wrote with honesty the above. You can have a better future, families can and do forgive each other but you need to fix yourself before that happens.

Emme

Even though you grew up in an abusive household if you were not abused you are luckier than a lot of people who grew up in abusive families and were abused themselves (one or any combination of verbally, physically or sexually). Only your mother was abused. Instead of feeling protective towards her you blame her for putting up with the abuse. Your mother probably stayed with your father because she had nowhere else to go and wanted to make sure the three of you would be looked after and not abused the way she was. Many people who grew up in abusive households remain loyal to a parent who was abused, even if they were abused themselves as a child. That does not mean they have to stay in the home but they can maintain contact and look out for the abused parents as best they can. It was your choice not to do that and you have a right to that choice. However you do not have a right to abuse your sister.

Your sister Sinead probably worked long hours as a way to escape the family environment. She probably wanted to leave too but may have stayed out of loyalty to your mother and working long hours was her way of coping. If Sinead asked me for advice about how you treated her I would advise her to go no contact with you. Your other sister has already gone no contact with you.

Your sisters may have enouraged your mother to leave your father but it is her choice if she wants to stay.

You chose to leave and you say you have the job of your dreams. So why do you have to be so nasty to your sister? I second the poster who suggested that you go to your GP and arrange to see a counsellor or psychologist. You need to face up to your own abusive tendencies because you don't want to end up abusing a partner or your own children in the future.

shesty

To be quite frank if someone sent me aessage like that after I had my baby, I would never want to see or speak to them again, no matter how badly they felt about it.What a disgusting thing to say.How do you know she isn't in a long term happy relationship?How do you know that baby wasn't wanted and planned?And you clearly know nothing about how it feels to have a new baby arrive into a family.Worse, you don't even know for sure if it's hers or not so you are throwing around insults and accusations with no basis.Hopefully you sister has a different phone number and is not gettinf your messages any more.
I don't care what your issues are OP, frankly.You are blaming your family for your bad behaviour.You are an adult and by your own admission it's been four years since you had contact with them.You choose to behave like this.Go and get counselling, you seriously need to talk to someone about how to manage the rage and anger that seems to make you think it's ok to behave like that.
And stay away from your phone.

Neyite

You need more help than the internet can give you. You need to sit down, one-on-one, with a counsellor. I do suspect what's going on but that's veering into medical diagnosis territory and you really need to speak to a professional on that one.

You were over-invested in your family's lives - it's absolutely none of your concern what hours your sister worked but by the sounds of it you gave her a hard time about it constantly until she let rip at you. You gloss over what she actually said you you, but you DO know what she said and why she said it - you just don't agree with her therefore you've decided she did it for no reason.

When someone is nosy, or pass-remarkable on another adult's life, the natural (and appropriate) reaction is to pull away emotionally and limit what you tell them in the future. It sounds like this is what happened to you - your family told you less and less because even with the most benign things, you went off on one and caused ructions. This led to you feeling like you were left out and a bit ostracised, and that's probably true. Some were just fed up with you and avoided you entirely, but kept it civil and probably employed a 'grey rock' technique as a way to manage family occasions where you were there too. You then responded in kind, but that doesn't work for you - you want a reaction from them, be it negative or positive.

So now you are lashing back abusively because you feel they hurt you. In reality, you hurt yourself, and them. You cut yourself off from them and you expected them to run after you and beg you back. And it stings that they didn't and are getting on with their lives. There's a good chance that they've blocked you on social media or on their phones, but if not, there's a good chance that they might decide enough is enough and call the Gardai. Stop for a moment and think about how a caution or conviction might affect your life /work / relationship. Your sister may be hesitant to report you, but what about her partner -the father of that baby? Folk tend to get extremely protective of their partner when they've given birth.

If you REALLY want to stop this, see a professional. Do it before the professionals come to your door.

Neyite

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