Help my heads a mess with a girl

brendan1983

OK so i met this girl about 10 years ago we got on well but never kissed or anything i met her about 3 times when i was out with her cousin for drinks .. We liked each other from the start but were just shy .. she was about 18-19 at the time i was 23-24 .. I never heard anything from her for a few years then one night i got a friends request on facebook it was her i added her and we got chatting ..We talked for a few weeks she told me she had a child i was ok with that ..( The childs father never hung about when she got pregnant ) We decided we would meet up and go for food and go back to hers and watch a film ..
We met up any had great craic and got on really well ..this was in January i then had to go away for work reasons i would be away for a few weeks at a time .. Every about 6 weeks i got home we would meet up this went on for 8 months .. I was then going to ask her out we would chat on the phone almost every day .. This was august that year .. Then when i was home she was away that weekend and we couldnt meet .. I then noticed her very quiet we still would text every day i asked her what was wrong and she told me the childs father was looking them to get together for the child..she said she was going to think about it she then said she wanted to give it a go with him for the childs sake .. this was october time and the child was 4 years old so he been gone near 5 years at this time .. He is 12 years older than her .. They got together and all she could say to me is hat she was really sorry .. i went through a very hard time i hit the drink was drinking every day everything was going through my head i really loved this girl and the other guy just walked out and when he came and give a sob story she bought it and took him back .. She is with him no 4 years now .. At the start she used to still ring me and we would talk for hours on the phone we still text each other most days even until now a few times i quit texting her back there was a few times i wouldnt reply to her and she would still text i quit texting once for months and she would still keep going until i replied .. I told her how i felt about her she used to tell me that all him and her done was fight .. I thought after hearing that it wouldnt last long but if they go to break up they keep saying they cant because of the child ..

They are back 4 years now and she would still text me every day .. I really love her but she has my head all over the place .. Why does she keep texting me if she doesnt want anything to do with me ? she is now 29 and he is 41 she told me last week she was at a fortune teller twice this last few months and my name kept coming out .. I would really love to be with her but i cant keep going on like this my head is in a really bad place with it a few times i often thought i would rather not be here .. she told me before xmas that she cant leave him because he pays for her car insurance and she couldnt afford it if she left him ..

I passed her a few times in town in the car and he would be driving and she would still be texting me she was out with her friends on saturday night and he was there and she was sending me snaps all night of her .. she would never tell me she was with him all the snaps would be of her ..

This girl means the world to me but she is messing my head about i dont know what is going on .. What should i do ..

baby and crumble

brendan1983 wrote: »

This girl means the world to me but she is messing my head about i dont know what is going on .. What should i do ..

Honestly, OP? Back off. Block her. She's with someone else, they have a kid together. Maybe she wants to be friends but she's melting your head, for what comes across as wanting the knowledge she has some lad dangling on a string.

Move on, as hard as it is. You won't find peace until you do.

brendan1983 wrote: »

she told me before xmas that she cant leave him because he pays for her car insurance and she couldnt afford it if she left him

Also: this is the stupidest reason I've ever heard for not leaving someone. I mean, honestly, car insurance?

osarusan

Get the hell away from her. Block contact with her, and tell her you are doing it, and tell her why.

She sounds like she's planning for backup if he decides to up sticks and leave again, or stringing you along, maybe just likes the attention.

She made her decision and there's nothing you can really do about it. But what's happening now, you don't want to be part of it, and don't need to be part of it, so get out of it.

punisher5112

How in god's name do you think this is normal or real love.

Go find someone who gives a sh1t about you even a ounce more then she does.

Head melter is an understatement.


Run quite fast.

Cut contact and get number changed and delete social media for a while.

Mr. Incognito

She is just an attention seeking twit

Block her.

She doesnt want you for anything more than an ego boost

runningbuddy

Op, as the others above have said, block her completely. You have wasted far too much of your time on this girl. I don't know if she has feelings for you or if she is just looking for an ego boost but she is behaving badly.

She knows how YOU feel, yet she continues to keep in touch with you. She should have cut all ties when you admitted you had feelings for her. That says a lot about the person she is.

She claims to stay with a guy because he pays for her car insurance (wtf??).

All of the above indicate that this girl is not a good person.

i think you have this girl on a pedestal, like a fantasy.

leggo

Yeah, what everyone else says. I guarantee her telling of your story isn’t the same as yours. You see her as this struggling victim forced to be with a man she doesn’t want to be because of...car insurance...I’d say if you boiled down her feelings for you it’d be something like “some sap who gives me attention when my fella is being a bit of a dick.”

Even look at the car insurance excuse: I don’t think it’s BS, I just think this girl sounds like a bit of a narcissistic leech who probably would just use lads as a means to an end. I take it she doesn’t work to pay for her car insurance? Why is that? Plenty of single parents work and have a good life without needing a man they don’t like to pay for stuff. She has no self-respect, she took back this bum who walked out on her child for years without a moment’s notice, she’ll tell another human being she’s with someone for insurance purposes without bursting out laughing at how ridiculous that sounds, she’s actively cheating on this lad by texting you behind his back (and who else btw?), she doesn’t give a rats how it’s affecting you...this girl is not all that. And pro-tip: if they don’t respect themselves, they’re incapable of respecting you.

You might be going to tell us now how we don’t understand, how she’s a nice person and she’s been through this, this and this that makes her the person she is...but OP, the reality here is you’re likely projecting who you want this girl to be onto her rather than seeing her for who she actually is. Maybe because she’s around and interested and it’s easier to do that than to go out looking for someone who actually ticks those boxes. But the fact is that if you got her, you’d just discover this stuff independently over time (do you think if she left the father for you she wouldn’t text him behind your back for example? Knowing what she does to him would you trust them alone given they’d have to see each other for years regarding the child?) and will have invested more time and energy into something that won’t work. That’s all even before you consider the child here and that making any effort to get with this girl would, if successful, cause the child to grow up without his father as an everyday part of his life.

OP take the lesson here and go looking for someone who actually has the qualities you’re looking for. Block this waste of time and write it off as a lesson. In time, when you get whatever you’re looking for, you won’t look back at this with regret.

LegacyUser

If she cared about you at all she would leave you alone.
Even her reason for getting together with him after a few years was BS, for the sake of the child? Who in their right mind would get with someone for the sake of their child after that many years?

ManOfMystery

Your fantasy:

She is in a relationship of convenience, with an older man who doesn't care about her. She is with him only so the child has a stable family unit. She doesn't love him, and secretly it's you she pines for; that's why she texts you all the time, why she sends you photos of her dressed up for nights out, and shares other parts of her life with you. If only the circumstances were different, you and her would surely be together.

The reality : 

She has a child with a man, and they are together. You have no idea what the actual truth is as to why he stayed away for so long, or if he actually was absent all that time and not in some kind of contact with her. You have no idea whether they are together for convenience, or actually in love. You are someone who she probably likes, but never liked enough to enter into a formal relationship with despite now knowing each other for 10 years and having numerous opportunities. Despite all that, she was able to enter into a relationship fairly quickly with the child's father despite him - allegedly - not being in touch for many years. 


She likely loves the child's father. That's why they're together. Sorry to be harsh, but you are nothing more than an enjoyable distraction for her from the mundane day-to-day life of being a mother. She gets a kick from the attention you give her via text and by commenting on her pictures, but doesn't want anything more than that and will throw up ridiculously petty excuses - car insurance?!? - as to why she can't leave her relationship.

You've wasted 10 years of your life on this woman, forget her and move on. You could have had 2 or 3 long relationships in that time.

runningbuddy

Manofmystery sums up what I wanted to say.

Fantasy V Reality. Huge difference OP.

brendan1983

Thanks for the advice .. I quit talking to her .. I just quit replying to her snaps ..she still sends me snaps of her wee girl and different things but I open them and don’t reply .. Today she send me a picture of her brother lying in a hospital bed I didn’t reply anything but feel bad he looks in bad way

punisher5112

brendan1983 wrote: »

Thanks for the advice .. I quit talking to her .. I just quit replying to her snaps ..she still sends me snaps of her wee girl and different things but I open them and don’t reply .. Today she send me a picture of her brother lying in a hospital bed I didn’t reply anything but feel bad he looks in bad way

Seriously change your number or just block her.

Not your problem.

Cut all ties.

Tigger99

You need to block her on social media. She is messing with your head. How can you ever move on if you are seeing pics from her. Sending you a pic of her sick brother is ****ty and selfish. No doubt designed to make you feel guilty for not replying to earlier messages.

Dev84

Run a mile. Oh and learn how to use full stops properly.

dellas1979

brendan1983 wrote: »

Today she send me a picture of her brother lying in a hospital bed I didn’t reply anything but feel bad he looks in bad way

Do you know how beyond strange it is for someone to keep sending you pics (esp of their sick brother) and no reply?

Dont say "yea" cause I really think you dont think its strange at all.

What is with her wanting the attention? Do you ever ask her? And if not, why? Scared of loosing her? But shur, she is already gone...