the silent treatment

private_user

Here is my situation.

Married almost 15 years - two kids 11 and 9

Luckily have no financial issues - a mortgage but two salaries (I also work from home 50% of week) and no worries about paying the bills at end of any month or about saving for a family holiday.

No 3rd person involved (as far as I can tell).. I can say I have been faithful - tempted perhaps on a couple of occasions (chance propositions with a few beers onboard at the time, but I luckily declined.)

No substance abuse issues her or me. I'd drink a beer at home most evenings and I might go to pub a couple of times a month at most.

My issue is when we disagree or have conflict she shuts down and sulks for days, or weeks and won't talk..... complete stonewalling.

She pretends I'm not in room. She won't greet me when I come home or say good bye as I leave. If I say good morning to her I get no answer - IF I ask her if she'd like a coffee "Ill make it myself" She talks about me in front of children as if I'm not there and I am relegated to "your father" when she mentions me to them.
When I ask her something I get one word answers. She threatens me with divorce every time we have such an argument.. yes its a hollow threat. Two weeks ago the same thing - this time I said I don't believe her threat, at which point she just doubled down and is now acting even more distant.
The kids know not to annoy mum, they said to me last night in car on way home that they know I'm bullied a little by mum. My little fellow said I needed "to assert my dominance". I've never ever hit her, never threatened to and don't want to be "dominant" - perhaps his word choice was poor. By contrast she has hit me (on a small number of occasions) and threatened to one several others but I have never really taken those threats seriously even if they did thoroughly shock me at the time.
I'm far from perfect and I can be stubborn too and have learned to sulk back ...but I always eventually give in - she gets her way and things improve. If we can stay in good terms then some physical affection may even be possible before we fall out over something else and then the pattern repeats. I feel I cant talk to family as doing so would be an admission of failure and a lack of loyalty to her to keep our marriage details private. I've moved county with our family so she could be close to her aging parents and I have no friends close to where I live now. I need to talk to someone, anyone hence this post.

I find it very distressing, and it causes me lost sleep, thoughts of self harm and periods when I just wish I'd never wake up in the morning. I go from feeling happy in my skin when we are both in talking form to being in the complete dumps and stressed to the point of not being able to think straight and oscillating from one bad thought to another. Is this normal ? or am I just wallowing in self pity when we are not talking ? Do I just need to buck up ? During past year I'd say we were not talking for at least 10 weeks in total - probably three episodes of the sulks.
Even when we are talking there are subjects not to be mentioned and I now get a sick feeling when she comes back home - not because I don't want to see her - I just don't know which version of her will come through that door, the one who is happy to be back home or the one who sees something out of place in the house, gets upset, and then spends the evening giving me a lectures laced with unending criticism.

In all other aspects my wife is the "perfect wife", she organises the family, she books our holidays (I'm not allowed or trusted to, tried to do this once), she buys all the presents for family (mine and hers) and she is more than generous with the children withe her time and money and affection. She doesnt spend money on herself, she doesnt screw with our finances at all - On the outside all looks rosy you would guess.

I never dreamed I'd be here at fifty living a complete rollercoaster life. I would never have married her if I'd known I'd be on this unending headwrecking up and down. But I have two little ones and I can't do anything, I'm afraid to screw them up, if I be selfish and do something bad. I don't want to be here, miserable. But I don't want to leave, I have tow kids who need a dad around and to be there for them.

Any advise at all is welcome ..

bee06

Couples counselling to learn how to communicate properly would be my advice. Silent treatment for weeks is beyond childish and giving a horrendous example to your children.

Dial Hard

private_user wrote:

But I have two little ones and I can't do anything, I'm afraid to screw them up.

I'm going to be extremely blunt here: you're (plural) already potentially "screwing them up". What kind of example is being set for them? They've already picked up on the dynamic between you and their mum; indeed, she's actively dragging them into it. It's in order not to screw them up that you need to address this.

Your wife is a controlling, emotionally manipulative bully. You need to tell her that this behaviour stops, now, and that you want both of you to attend counselling. Good luck with that, though, because from what you've told us she's so used to getting her own way that I suspect she'll go absolutely nuclear when you actually confront her behaviour.

I honestly feel for you, OP. I think you have a very long, hard road ahead of you.

Gaia Mother Earth

bee06 wrote: »

Couples counselling to learn how to communicate properly would be my advice. Silent treatment for weeks is beyond childish and giving a horrendous example to your children.

I used to work with a woman and she would regularly go 2 to 3 weeks not speaking to her husband and she would send messages to him through the children.

There were times he would go away on business and she didn't have a clue what part of the country he was in because she wouldn't speak to him (I'd say he was getting away for some peace too).

Then she had the absolute cheek to judge people who might have split up or got divorced. As if she had the perfect marriage!

No OP, it would be very hard to come back from this. Your children would be better off having quality time with you within your access. As hard as if seems to contemplate breaking up but do you want to spend your life walking on egg shells and pussyfooting around her.

I know I wouldn't. Couldn't deal with the drama.

Ghekko

You're not doing the kids any favour by staying together as things stand. They are old enough and clever enough to see that your wife's behaviour is appalling. I'd go as far as to guess they'd choose to live with you if you did separate. Her behaviour is impacting them as it is you. Her manipulative childish behaviour stops now! Don't entertain it. Keep talking to her as normal even if she chooses to blank you. If she doesn't respond call her out on it - ask her how long the silent treatment is going to last this time as yourself and the kids would need to know how long you need to keep away from her. During her moods spend time playing with the kids, or bring them out somewhere to let her stew on her own. Suggest counselling if you really want to salvage your marriage and if she refuses so be it. I'd suggest she gets her hormone levels checked too in case her outbursts are related - especially if she's of menopausal age as this stage of life can cause serious emotional changes in women. On the other hand if this has always been her way, maybe it's best to separate. Don't assume you would have to leave the family home either.

Big Bag of Chips

private_user wrote: »

I have two little ones and I can't do anything, I'm afraid to screw them up

Because you're not doing anything and letting this continue you ARE screwing them up. You have a 9 year old giving you advice on your marriage.

Think about that - A 9 year old child, who should have no worries beyond whether or not his homework is done and who he'll play with, is involved in your marriage troubles and is caught, as a pawn between his 2 parents, advising you on how to handle it. That's wrong. Very very wrong. And the longer you prolong the situation the more responsibility you will put on his shoulders for his parents happiness and the success of their marriage.

He's 9!

Would you two be happier separated? Is there any way back for the marriage? Was communication always this bad, or with the passing of time, and the humdrum of daily life has she lost sight of her relationship? You need to issue an ultimatum and mean it. Your children would honestly be better off not being involved in a battle of wills between the two people who are supposed to protect them and nurture them.

I'd offer counselling to learn how to communicate better, or she leaves. You're both working full time. You both have as responsibility to your children, but if she doesn't commit to changing your relationship for the better then what's the point on continuing.

If you say it, you have to mean it.

Aspadeaspade

The person you describe could be my mother. I'm younger than you OP but this is the kind of person my mother was in her marriage to my father. She's still this person today. She blocks you and makes your life hell, she takes any opportunity to belittle you and reject you when she's in one of these moods, which is VERY often. You don't know from one minute to the next how she's going to react. When I was younger I always hoped/assumed she'd mellow out as she got older but she's actually gotten worse. She's not capable of changing because in her mind she's not the problem, everyone else is. Please leave this person and provide as much support as possible for your children. Ensure you are always there for them. One good parent is a lot better than no good parent.. as is my case. She won't change OP. You owe it to your children.

zoobizoo

My mother was the same but she has mellowed the last twenty years.

The silent treatment is horrible, whether you're a partner or a child.

You said that you're not allowed to discuss certain topics..... Can I ask what they are?


The silent treatment is unfair, awful and childish and it isn't healthy.

The first argument I had with my now wife, we lay in bed in silence, facing away from each other and I confronted the situation.... First time I'd really done that. I didn't want to spend the night with both of us brooding. We spoke, explained our positions and agreed never to go to bed without having cleared the air.

You're in a difficult position but for your own sake, I think you need to confront this during a "good" time.

It sounds as if you're not allowed to express your own needs and that is not a healthy relationship.

Could you do another thirty years or so of it?

zoobizoo

"a sick feeling when she comes back home - not because I don't want to see her - I just don't know which version of her will come through that door, the one who is happy to be back home or the one who sees something out of place in the house, gets upset, and then spends the evening giving me a lectures laced with unending criticism"

You can never make someone like that happy.

Because even your 100% tidy and clean will never be her 100%......so you're always losing.

If someone can place the state of a plate as more important than treating a partner with respect and dignity, you can only ever hope for a day "not to be ****" rather than having a "great day".

I had a gf like that I'm the past and explained to her that my 100% cleanliness would never match hers. She couldn't grasp the concept.

Was your relationship always like this or how did it get to this?

Would she treat anyone else like this?

up for anything

You're a victim of domestic abuse, OP, whether you see it like that or not. Emotional and physical at the very least plus a bit of verbal. People who commit domestic violence never change even the people who run rehab for them will tell you that. Also, she is abusing your children by allowing them to witness and live in a household where domestic abuse takes place. You need to walk and very soon before you have the stuffing completely knocked out of you.

I lived for years with someone very like her except he didn't raise his hand to me until the last night when I had to run with the kids and the dog. Just because the sexes are reversed in your case doesn't mean that you should have to take it and I can pretty much guarantee that couples counselling isn't going to work for you. She will gaslight you and make you second guess yourself during it You should contact Amen and talk to them about your options and they can help you make a plan to leave and provide legal help.

In the interim use the grey rock method to stop providing her with energy. Also, check out hoovering especially after a silent treatment (I used to call it living at the South Pole) period or particularly volatile episode. I bet you recognise it.

I don't think there is any point in appealing to her better nature during a good time or counselling. She wouldn't be able to keep up being 'nice and reasonable' (after all she's not doing a great job of it now) and the resulting explosion would probably be worse than her periodic eruptions now. I hope you manage to get free of her. Two separated more contented parents are far better for your children than to live with the stress and tension that is generated for them by the situation now.

qwerty13

It’s so sad that you are living this life. But you ARE CURRENTLY allowing your kids to live this life. I’m telling you now, it IS teaching them a dysfunctional view of relationships, and they AREN’T happy or secure. I capitalise those words, as they are present tense, but you seem to think your kids are grand unless you separate in the future. Not true, so not true.

You and your wife are damaging your kids right now, in real time. Not as badly as some terrible situations, but you’re both setting them right up for an inability to deal with conflict, and making them worry about their parents at their young ages, when all they should be thinking about is school / friends / playing / having fun. You are damaging you kids by not dealing with this situation.

private_user

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me - I do appreciate your comments.
Even the few kind words each of you wrote did perk me up yesterday evening.

I will seek profesional help.

I have a story to tell you in sometime about what happened yesterday after posting my initial post but you woudl simply not believe me or the timing of this tale - its too much of a coincidence that I make one post and my story happens so Ill keep that one to myself, perhaps some distant day.

I'm not going to leave my wife, the kids need me around I have to try keep things calm and balanced here.

btw - the blame is not all my wife's fault - I too have plenty of faults - I also have allowed this to happen "on my watch" as it were and I shoudl have grown a pair and taken action years ago before there were children involved, but I avoid conflict and I let this get to where we are now.

I promise I will seek advise, and try best to ignore the sulks and not to fall into similar retaliatary behaviours myself (this has happened to my shame).

Many Thanks

Ghekko

It's not to late to grow a pair now. Bet she'd get the fright of her life if you just stood up to her and refused to get drawn in to her childish games. Counselling should be helpful in building your self esteem and offering coping mechanisms. You'll feel stronger and more able to tell her to back off when she's in a mood. With any luck she'll start to cop on and may be open to counselling herself. But as regards not leaving because of the kids, like I said you wouldn't necessarily be the one to leave. Don't stay in a miserable marriage for the sake of the kids. It won't benefit them and you'll still be left dealing with your wife long after they leave home.

.......

This post has been deleted.

qwerty13

private_user wrote: »

I have a story to tell you in sometime about what happened yesterday after posting my initial post but you woudl simply not believe me or the timing of this tale - its too much of a coincidence that I make one post and my story happens so Ill keep that one to myself, perhaps some distant day.

I'm not going to leave my wife, the kids need me around I have to try keep things calm and balanced here.

I promise I will seek advise, and try best to ignore the sulks and not to fall into similar retaliatary behaviours myself (this has happened to my shame).

Many Thanks

To reply on the 3 points above:

1. If you’re genuinely looking for feedback, why aren’t you telling what your story is?

2. Maybe you being around is making things the opposite of calm & balanced. I don’t think you’ve accepted that you plus your wife are currently toxic to your kids. Maybe you can both work on it, but I don’t believe from what you’ve posted that your presence is in any way keeping things ‘calm and balanced’. Quite the opposite.

3. Respect to you on seeking help / advice for your own behaviours. And for acknowledging that these situations are never that one person is totally at fault. I do hope for you that this helps with point 2. If it doesn’t though, you need to leave - for your sake, and your kids

MAJJ

private_user wrote: »

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me - I do appreciate your comments.
Even the few kind words each of you wrote did perk me up yesterday evening.

I will seek profesional help.

I have a story to tell you in sometime about what happened yesterday after posting my initial post but you woudl simply not believe me or the timing of this tale - its too much of a coincidence that I make one post and my story happens so Ill keep that one to myself, perhaps some distant day.

I'm not going to leave my wife, the kids need me around I have to try keep things calm and balanced here.

btw - the blame is not all my wife's fault - I too have plenty of faults - I also have allowed this to happen "on my watch" as it were and I shoudl have grown a pair and taken action years ago before there were children involved, but I avoid conflict and I let this get to where we are now.

I promise I will seek advise, and try best to ignore the sulks and not to fall into similar retaliatary behaviours myself (this has happened to my shame).

Many Thanks

I read your post and was very concerned, you really do need to talk to some professional first yourself and get some help and agree best way to go forward, I wish you and your family all the beat. Always reach out for help and talking to people will help. Take care.

shesty

There was an article about this in one of the papers a few weeks ago except reversed.....the wife was putting up with this from the husband.
The fact that she had decided she couldn't leave meant her decision was essentially made, but she needed to find ways to cope.

This isn't really about you'growing balls' OP it's about your wife growing up and learning how to handle conflict.The kids are already learning that this is how relationships go.Your 9 year old probably doesn't understand why you don't stand up to her on it and is frustrated looking on but equally at 9 he doesn't understand emotional bullying like that and how hard it can be to break through that wall of silence.

There's one other thing that hasn't been said here-sooner or later she will likely direct this towards the kids too.As they head into teen years and become more adult, this may become her way of dealing with conflicts with them aswell, thus damaging everything even more.You 100% need couples counselling (the problem is more her than you).No man is perfect -believe me, my own OH and I have our rows too-but the time, energy and bitterness that goes into ignoring someone for weeks on end is horrible.It's incredibly immature too, but she probably has never seen any other way to deal with conflict (or never been told that it's just not an acceptable way to go on).

If worst comes to worst I think you will have to consider leaving but I can see that you really don't want to do that, but it does need to be tackled.Nobody should live in misery like that.

private_user

qwerty13 wrote: »

To reply on the 3 points above:

1. If you’re genuinely looking for feedback, why aren’t you telling what your story is?

Because if I read it myself I'd be saying "oh yeah ... I don't believe that story, the OP is using the boards.ie for some sort of mind game i.e. he is using the posters or to show the thread to someone else later for another purpose." I'm genuine and what I've written is true, albeit my subjective viewpoint, I respect the time people took to respond, so I just can't blurt out this particular story from yesterday, it's too unbeliveably coincidental in its timing. And I'm going to leave it at that..

Today I have filled out an online application for counselling / advice one on one with someone local enough to here.. so I feel better for taking even this first step.
I have no doubt that my wife and I have real issues to solve, and learnings to learn, and some more, but I have decided to tackle this once and for all. I might not suceed, but I will try... and for today that gives me some peace of mind and hope.

Really big thanks to all who responded. Ive never posted anything personal like that before on a public forum and yesterday I was in real despair.

I'm going to leave it at that for time being but will update this thread after Ive met the professional.

Ghekko

private_user wrote: »

Because if I read it myself I'd be saying "oh yeah ... I don't believe that story, the OP is using the boards.ie for some sort of mind game i.e. he is using the posters or to show the thread to someone else later for another purpose." I'm genuine and what I've written is true, albeit my subjective viewpoint, I respect the time people took to respond, so I just can't blurt out this particular story from yesterday, it's too unbeliveably coincidental in its timing. And I'm going to leave it at that..

Today I have filled out an online application for counselling / advice one on one with someone local enough to here.. so I feel better for taking even this first step.
I have no doubt that my wife and I have real issues to solve, and learnings to learn, and some more, but I have decided to tackle this once and for all. I might not suceed, but I will try... and for today that gives me some peace of mind and hope.

Really big thanks to all who responded. Ive never posted anything personal like that before on a public forum and yesterday I was in real despair.

I'm going to leave it at that for time being but will update this thread after Ive met the professional.

Hope you get an appointment soon. By being proactive about your situation you will no doubt feel a bit better already. Best of luck.

Rubberchikken

You know youre being bullied and dealing with spousal abuse. You need to admit this to yourself and then decide what you want to do.
You could go for counselling even couples counselling only you can decide.

Im sorry i havent read the replies will get to them later so maybe others have already suggested these in which case i apologise for repeating.

King of Kings

private_user wrote: »

I'm not going to leave my wife, the kids need me around I have to try keep things calm and balanced here.

your kids don't need you - as you currently are. That's just a fallacy you are telling yourself. They need a dad not a guy who accepts being bullied.
Your kids will be happier if you are happier.

Firstly you are giving them terrible example. You are giving them this experience of what relationships are like.
How would you feel if they experience what you are now? You are creating that as their norm.

Secondly , how will they feel when if/when they find out that you wasted your life with a bully for them. the level of guilty would be huge...plus they'll lose respect for you.
I know this having experience it and having friends experience it. We have no respect for parents staying in a ****ty situation "for the kids"
It's a cop out for people too afraid or too lazy to take charge of their lives.

With your income you could easily have a 2nd home and have the kids over 50% of the time or whatever suited.
In fact the kids preference could be to stay with you instead of their mam.

You are responsible for your own happiness...don't fob off your lack of decision making on the kids.

I'm not saying to leave your wife - go to counselling and if that works ..great.
But don't use your kids as an excuse not to better your life.

calfmuscle

Well done op, you have a lot on your plate and have taken the first step to helping you and kids and hopefully your wife. Good for you!

lawred2

Threads like this have me down on my knees thanking the stars for my wife.

OP.. I feel for you. I have little advice to offer you other than it needs tackling head on for the sake of your kids.

You two need to have a serious talk.

Bambi985

Oh god she sounds awful. What incredibly damaging, destructive behaviour. I honestly think you need to protect not just yourself but your kids from this as a matter of urgency. They're so impressionable at the age they're at and this could play into their long-term happiness and understanding of relationships.

I know it seems impossible given how hostile and non-cooperative your wife is, but I honestly think you need to confront her about all of this and spell out the fact that you are no longer going to tolerate it, for yourself or the kids. I'd echo what another poster said about asking her to leave the family home the next time she pulls one of her strops. Tell her she's not welcome there unless she's willing to act like an adult and not undermine your presence constantly in front of YOUR children.

I really think it's ultimatum time to be honest. Follow through with your counselling and perhaps seek some guidance on how best to confront this. The bitter truth is that ingrained behaviours like this rarely if ever change unless there's a "rock bottom" moment of truth where they have no choice but to behave themselves. You might need backup here. Have you ever discussed her behaviour with other family members, is there anyone in your life who would back you up?

zoobizoo

We all have faults.... But that is not a reason for partners to treat us like ****.

Currently your kids are aware of what's going on.

Soon they will start losing respect for you and probably despising your wife.

Unless you decide not to put up with the unacceptable behaviour any more
I wish you well whatever you decide upon

LynnGrace

OP, you have taken a great first step by posting here. Please please do seek advice and help. It's no way to live. It's not by any stretch, normal behaviour. For your own sake, and for your children's sake, please keep moving forward from the first step you have taken.

All the best. There is help out there.

LostTazMan

OP, I hope the counselling comes soon and is beneficial.  You are far from the only person in such a situation. You are getting good advice here, and I wish I could bring myself to benefit from it too. Le gach dhea mhéin, LTM

banoffe2

The silent treatment is soul destroying and a learned behaviour, I know of couples who didn't speak to each other for years up until the time they departed this World, mind yourself OP and keep talking, there is a solution to this problem.

private_user

Looking at some old emails today and I came across an old thread I had started. i thought I'd update the thread as I had promised.

Its been two years since the issue I had with my wife.
I did see a professional counsellor privately for three sessions and it was great to talk to someone. The counsellor (a lady) suggested I read a couple of books. The books were helpful to some extent. It was not that I received any great knowledge or insight in the meetings - but the process of meeting and having a discussion with her for several weeks really helped me. It confirmed several things to me...
a. I was not crazy as I had started to doubt in my thinking processes.
b. that I can't change anybody else - I can only be responsible for my own actions
c. to take it easy on myself - i.e. to be mentally kind to myself.

The "story" I had mentioned previously in Jan 2018 was as follows - I was on the receiving end of the silent treatment for weeks when I started the original post. Then my wife accused me of sleeping with our live-in au-pair. She did this while one of our children were within earshot. There was no basis or truth in the allegation, and she knew that, she did it to upset me and get an emotional response from me. That was the last straw - at that moment I knew I had to see someone for help - hence my decision to see a counsellor.


I cannot recommend highly enough going to see someone professional who can listen and help. It costed 60 Eur per session - but it was the best 180 eur I ever spent.

My wife and I are still together - things are much much better, I feel like we are a the team again and we there have been no "multiple days silent treatments" since - We can have disagreements - but I wont let them go for more than a few hours before dive back in and tackle them head on. At the time she knew I went to see professional help, perhaps that helped her realise where I was coming from and understood I was serious and I was taking the initiative (for once).

We have discussed our relationship and the improvement on several occasions and each time we do I emphasise how grateful I am that we have had no further "silent treatment rows" in a long time. For my part I am learning to be more "leading" and take the initiative on multiple areas of my life, from dealing with usual home issues, holidays, time for us as a couple, physical affection, dealing with the children's needs and interests.

I have done a lot of reading since 2018 and can say my frame of reference for our relationship has changed quiet a bit and for the better. Still lots of learning ahead - but that's all part of life !

ManOfMystery

It's encouraging to read your update OP and I'm glad that things seem to have improved at home for you.

I'm curious however, you seem to have taken a lot of steps in regards organising counselling, looking at your thought processes and perspective on things - however, what did your wife do? From my point of view, the issue was very much with her on many fronts - emotional bullying, physical abuse, and dragging your kids into things they shouldn't have been faced with. Did she attend counselling also or address any of her behaviour? It seems like you have done a lot of work to resolve the situation when much of it was caused by the way she was acting.

Sleepy

Am I right in thinking that, like most bullies, she backed down almost as soon as you began standing up to her?

private_user

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It's encouraging to read your update OP and I'm glad that things seem to have improved at home for you.

I'm curious however, you seem to have taken a lot of steps in regards organising counselling, looking at your thought processes and perspective on things - however, what did your wife do? From my point of view, the issue was very much with her on many fronts - emotional bullying, physical abuse, and dragging your kids into things they shouldn't have been faced with. Did she attend counselling also or address any of her behaviour? It seems like you have done a lot of work to resolve the situation when much of it was caused by the way she was acting.

The physical abuse was a once off historical thing when the kids were too small to remember. In an arguement she hit me and then shook me while hold me by the throat with both her hands. - I was really not physically hurt (or worried... as I'm bigger than her) I was just shocked, as perhaps she was. it never happened again - At that time I told her "next time I'm gone" My issue when writing the OP was about the emotional issue due to the silent treatment.


My wife did not attend counselling, although she knew I was going. I suggested she read the books the counsellor suggested, she declined to. I'm not 100% clear why her behaviour improved - perhaps she recognised it herself it as being destructive. I'll also suggest she knew I was going outside our marriage to a third person to discuss our marriage issues. I'd guess that made her realise I was seeking guidance (and possibly other options like leaving the marriage). I don't know - but I have thanked her for the past couple of years where we seem to have stopped the "silent treatment" escalating into days on end rows. What I can say from my own part is that I take the initiative more now - if we have a disagreement - I don't let it fester for too long, I try not to sulk and if she does begin to sulk - I calmly state my views and if she continues I then go do something else to keep myself busy - but I will come back later.

I also fully internalised the idea that I am not responsible for other peoples actions - only for my own. In a similar vein I also realised that no one else is responsible for my own happiness. The children have seen some things they should not have - I can't undo that - they know mum has a short fuse and can act meanly by shutting down communications. I can only behave the way I want - and I show them that behaviour. When things are good between us (and they are generally good for past two years) I display affection towards my wife in front of them, they get comfort from seeing that.

It is also fair to say I have tried "to lead" much more in our marriage - she still makes many of the decisions, but I take charge much more often as me being too passive triggered some of the underlying causes of our disagreements. My issue was how we were dealing with the disagreements ... the silent treatment was making me go crazy.

So the silent treatment could happen again - but it has not occurred for the past two years ... and that's much longer than ever before... typically it would be 3 times a year for many previous years. Perhaps she just grew up a bit - I know I did.

private_user

Sleepy wrote: »

Am I right in thinking that, like most bullies, she backed down almost as soon as you began standing up to her?

You may very well be correct - but she didn't "back down" openly. There was no discussion (or admission) about her being in the wrong - she just has not behaved this way again. I can't tell why or what her motivations were - but I'm more than happy to live with the outcome, and to deal with it in the future if it arises again.

ILoveYourVibes

The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but it is anything but. It indicates that the person sees the one ignored as the cause or they would like to even if that is not true.

Perhaps when she ignored you op you then find yourself being called demanding or too critical? This may be partially true. I can't say not knowing you. I thought i would say it to be fair so apologies if you are in no way like this.But of course its also allowing HER to avoid some uncomfortable truths about herself. I think its clear that she IS like this.


Being noticed is so close to being loved, that sometimes they feel the same. Of course they are not.Being ignored is just as powerful.The weird thing is. It tends to make the person being ignored think cynically about the other partner. It tends to make them think their partner is totally lacking in integrity. That they are acting on pure self interest.This believe it or not ISNT usually what your partner wants you think of them. But its what happens.You start to think of them as dishonest ..manipulative petty ...lacking in integrity.I would be honest with her about this. Tell her the silent treatment shows she lacks integrity.

10 weeks of silent treatment isn't to do with her being anxious around you. Maybe ten days would be during a stressful time.

I would seek therapy...even if you can't go as a couple ...go yourself.

Good luck op.

Jenneke87

Ehm...Vibes...This is an older topic where the OP came to post an update. He already has been to counseling and he wrote that his wife stopped her destructive behavior.

puppieperson1

leave her and her bullying life is too short and like a film there is no sequel. its your small life find a nicer woman there are loads of nice women who would appreciate you . Tell her you want a divorce and watch her **** herself.! I am a woman and let me tell you she wiill **** herself, she has a grand comfy life and everything works...... just the threat will knock the wind from her sails. try it ~just ask her calmly would you like a divorce, the blood will go cold in her veins. No married woman in Ireland wants to divorce its all about appearances. call her bluff.

Thanks for the update OP. Interesting to read your original and recent posts on thread and it seems like life is better for all of you as a result of your putting in the effort to learn how best to respond to her. I wish you and your family health and happiness.

Unanimous

Hi OP, I am very happy that you marriage is more enjoyable and the issue has been resolved.
Most marriages fail because people are not willing to do what it takes.
You can see that your wife didnt attend counselling but she had a change or heart.
The truth is that most marriages fail because of selfishness not lack of communication.
Your wife is a good example of how true love can fix issues between two people.
Obviously she loves you and she realized that she is handling things in a way that is not helping you or her and she changed instantly.
No amount of counselling or book can make anyone have a change of heart.
You can only work together to build on that love and make each other better in love.