Relationship issue

Amprodude

Hey my best friend who was going out with his partner for over 10 years heard bad news recently. The partner was pregnant and he found out the baby wasn't his. She was cheating on him behind his back but she did not tell him the baby wasn't his. When he had his doubts he got it checked and baby wasn't his own.. They are permanently broken up now.

I'm worried about him now because he is in an awful state and is seriously hurt and upset. He has taken time out of work and all and I have never seen him like this. It's at a stage that he is seriously depressed and I dont know what to do to help him.

Any advice?

Thank you.

fergus1001

Amprodude wrote:

I'm worried about him now because he is in an awful state and is seriously hurt and upset. He has taken time out of work and all and I have never seen him like this. It's at a stage that he is seriously depressed and I dont know what to do to help him.

Just do your best to get him out and show him the fun in life (night out) get him on tinder or something,

He is definitely down, he just found out he wasted 10 years of his life, try get him involved in something to take his mind off the issue.

Has the girl fecked off to the other lad or what's going on ?

lawred2

fergus1001 wrote: »

Amprodude wrote:

I'm worried about him now because he is in an awful state and is seriously hurt and upset. He has taken time out of work and all and I have never seen him like this. It's at a stage that he is seriously depressed and I dont know what to do to help him.

Just do your best to get him out and show him the fun in life (night out) get him on tinder or something,

He is definitely down, he just found out he wasted 10 years of his life, try get him involved in something to take his mind off the issue.

Has the girl fecked off to the other lad or what's going on ?

It's a bit more than just a relationship ending... He has had a seriously traumatic event. What should be the happiest thing in a person's life, the birth of their first child, has turned into the exact opposite for this lad.

Suggesting Tinder is ridiculous.

Op, talk to him. If he doesn't want to talk then just be there. Maybe suggest professional counseling to him if he's unwilling to talk to anyone close to him. What he doesn't need is the depression alcohol brings.

RebelButtMunch

lawred2 wrote: »

It's a bit more than just a relationship ending... He has had a seriously traumatic event. What should be the happiest thing in a person's life, the birth of their first child, has turned into the exact opposite for this lad.

Suggesting Tinder is ridiculous.

Op, talk to him. If he doesn't want to talk then just be there. Maybe suggest professional counseling to him if he's unwilling to talk to anyone close to him. What he doesn't need is the depression alcohol brings.

Yep that's good advice. Just keep him talking and opening up.

Panthro

Jesus, poor lad has a tough road ahead. The good news is he's got a friend looking out for him. Fair play to you.

One word for me is encourage.
Encourage him to talk it out, either with yourself, friends, family professional counselor whatever needs be. And tell him not to be one bit shy about it. For some reason we blokes opt to put on a brave face when really we should face up to our emotions and talk things through.

Next thing is to encourage him to do as many activities as possible. Sport, musical instrument, some sort of social gathering, , volunteering, whatever. Great time to have a go at something. He'll feel ten times better getting out and about rather than sitting at home alone.

Encourage him to stay away from the oul booze. It's great craic for the first few beers but let's face, beer and a emotional time do not go hand in hand.

Lastly, and believe me this should be done. Encourage him to defriend her on all social media. Out of sight out of mind. The temptation to have a look and see what's she's at and with who is all too much, everyone does it. Best thing is cut the temptation at source.

Delete her phone number, email the whole sheebang. She's hurt the lad beyond repair. He absolutely owes her nothing.

And finally (phew!) Remind the lad he's a top notch bloke with a lot to offer. 10 years relationship is not wasted, he's now officially an expert! Put that on the CV! The right lady will in time snap him up.
Hope the guy gets through it, Again, fair play to you.

Alkers

fergus1001 wrote:

Just do your best to get him out and show him the fun in life (night out) get him on tinder or something,

Be very wary of introducing alcohol to someone in a situation like that

One eyed Jack

Amprodude wrote: »

I'm worried about him now because he is in an awful state and is seriously hurt and upset. He has taken time out of work and all and I have never seen him like this. It's at a stage that he is seriously depressed and I dont know what to do to help him.

Any advice?

Thank you.

I don't know that there's much more you can do to help your friend than you're doing already. The only person who will be able to tell you how you can help them is your friend, and he's just had his whole life turned upside down. There are no easy or quick fixes for that, and just knowing you're there for him is probably the best thing he's holding onto right now. Stay open to being able to offer help when and where you can, but unlike the other advice here I wouldn't suggest pushing him to do anything, let your friend drive and lead his own recovery in his own time. I think the last thing he needs after losing control of his life, is feeling like someone else is trying to control his life and push him into things. I think that could lead to him pushing you away and that's obviously not what you want.

Give him time OP, and allow him to grieve for his lost future in his own time, let him come to terms with that at least on his own terms, and be there for him. You're doing great already, have a bit of faith in yourself.

runningbuddy

Your friend is in shock op. What an awful thing to go through. Like another poster said, I'd be inclined to avoid alcohol at this stage. Is he talking to you? All you can do, is be there for him.

Does he have any interests/hobbies?? Cycling, running, etc?

He's lucky to have you btw

Plopsu

Keep checking in on him. It's possible in these situations for the whole world to shrink to just the same size as the crisis. Make sure he knows that the rest of the world is still there. Talk, listen and wait for him to heal (could be a while) and be his bridge back to the rest of the world when he's ready.

Sleepy

A tip I picked up from a friend's father who was a counsellor for Gardaí who'd been involved in traumatic incidents (shootings etc.) and needed a psych evaluation before returning to work: get him out on a golf course or up a mountain. The typical Irish man doesn't respond well to lying back on the couch in a psychiatrists office: get him out in the open air and he'll open up as much as he needs to (and get some exercise which is always good for one's mental health).

Tell him you're there if he wants to talk etc. Don't constantly be at him if he doesn't want to talk about it. People are different and not everyone wants to run over something horrible again and again and again because they're told "it's good to talk".

Peregrinus

Deleted User wrote: »

Tell him you're there if he wants to talk etc. Don't constantly be at him if he doesn't want to talk about it. People are different and not everyone wants to run over something horrible again and again and again because they're told "it's good to talk".

Don't just tell him you'll be there; actually be there. Spend time with him, and if he doesn't want to talk about this then talk about other stuff, but talk. Sleepy's suggestion of getting him up a mountain, onto a golf course, etc is a good one - activities that aren't about talking, but that open up opportunities to talk.

Balmed Out

Deleted User wrote: »

Tell him you're there if he wants to talk etc. Don't constantly be at him if he doesn't want to talk about it. People are different and not everyone wants to run over something horrible again and again and again because they're told "it's good to talk".

Id agree with this. He needs to keep occupied and not drinking alone depressed. Try to get the rest of yere social circle to chip in, you probably cant do it alone. If he knows he can talk but isnt pressed he will when he feels able. At the moment I imagine beyond the hurt when it comes to his friends he would also feel humiliated and probably feels too embarrassed to talk but in time Id guess he will.

Tefral

Firstly OP well done.

I went through something like this (not the pregnancy and baby thing) but a period where I was so lost I didn't know what way was up or down. I was even living in a different country so I felt like I was isolated.

2 friends really did stuff which I didn't realise at the time that helped. One was actually moving to the same country, he ended up not talking to me at all about what happened but got me to join the gym with him. Another was a friend who was back here in Ireland that would just every couple of days send me a nice text message.

Well by Fúck did it work. Honestly when your so close to someone and invest so much time in them they become somewhat a part of you. When that is basically ripped out, it actually taints everything. I think the best thing you can do is get him out doing something new.. indoor soccer, or rugby or something social. Give him a new magnetic North. Give him space to talk things with ya if he wants but i'd say leave him make that move, don't drag it out of him.

Ill be forever in debt to the two lads, even though they don't know it.

Keep away from the pub though if you can for awhile, its easy take a few drinks to help you sleep to stop the washing machine thats your brain. He needs to wipe her from his life and thats where you need to help him.

eeeee

Just be there for him. Text him, call into him, give him a shout if you're going out and about. I wouldn't be at him about talking about it, just be there, and open, and if he wants to talk about it he can cos you're there. Just knowing someone is there is huge. Poor guy.

stop animal cruelty

You sound like a decent loyal friend op. Like everyone else says, just be there for him. That's all u can do.