I'm single and my father lives with me...doomed date life?

taurus85

I am 33 years old, have a very decent job and own my own place.
For the last few years, my brother and I have helped our parents (who are divorced) financially.
However, since last year, my father lives with me, he is 56 years old....and that bothers me, A LOT! But for obvious reason I do not complain nor say that to anyone.

I always wanted to have my own place so that I could have my friends and dates come over and enjoy of the privacy only your own place can provide, but now I feel stranded and at times, uncomfortable with the lack of privacy I have in my own place. This situation makes me feel like a horrible person and affected me in many aspects of my life: emotionally, financially and socially.

There are many other small things that are making this whole situation very distressing...with the fear of sounding like a cold blooded asshole I am stuck in a place where I just dont know what to do or say...

Would appreciate everyone's thoughts about this...

Bambi985

The fact that you have your own place and have a decent job and are obviously independent means you'll be a catch to a lot of women! There's nothing to be embarrassed about and I'd see it as a sign of a decent family-oriented person if I met you.

However, it's important that you're personally comfortable and happy in your own home and if it was me, I'd work to establish boundaries and a level of privacy so you can feel a bit more "at home" with him living there. It's always going to be awkward, but worth having a conversation about 1. living arrangements so he can potentially make himself scarce if you're bringing back a date and 2. what his long-term plans are. It's great that you're there to help him out, but it's not fair to expect you to home him indefinitely. Is he looking into finding a place of his own or what are his long-term plans?

Dial Hard

It's not ideal, no, and will definitely make things a bit more awkward than they otherwise would be.

What's your dad's long term plan, though? Even taking dating out of the equation, this dynamic isn't necessarily an ideal one, for various reasons. 56 is still very young, is he planning to live with you for the rest of his life, which could easily be another 30 years???

taurus85

My father's (both parents actually) relationship with money is very poor, he had a rough upbringing but seems that it didn't help him value money as he should. It is almost as if he wants to get rid of it, by buying unnecessary things and not worrying about his tomorrow. My old man has a hard time keeping friendships and jobs. He has a hard time listening to criticism or someone calling his attention.

My mom's side of the family is financially comfortable, so my mom never really had to worry about money...hence the reason for her poor relationship with money, if she ever struggled, she had a safety net. That being said, my mom is the most compassionate, selfless and giving person I know, but she just doesn't lose sleep over money. That, i guess, has its good and bad sides.

Now back to my father...he just got a job, nothing fancy but, since he doesn't have to pay rent, utilities, or buy food, that should go a long way. He complained about being too cold...or that it was raining, so instead of cycling to work, which is less than 5 km away, he started using my car so, now I get a lift from my brother to go to work (I don't think he has any ambition of moving out of my place...why would he (I am assuming here).

I am being very pragmatic here so, sorry if I may sound detached. Based on my father's history, I am skeptical that he'll be able to keep his job for long but I really hope so. I have a financial background has have given him "lectures"on how and why he should resist the urge to spend money on meaningless things and the importance of spending what is left after you save, not the other way around.

Dial Hard

taurus85 wrote: »

instead of cycling to work, which is less than 5 km away, he started using my car so, now I get a lift from my brother to go to work (I don't think he has any ambition of moving out of my place...why would he (I am assuming here).

Ah here OP. He's taking the absolute piss out of you and you're just lying down and inviting him to continue.

Ground rules, now. He does not have use of your car to go to work as there's the small matter of you needing it yourself. He has a set amount of time to find himself another place and after that, he's gone. And for the love of God, he pays rent while he's there. I'm not suggesting you charge him market rate but a couple of hundred quid a month as well as an equal share of bills and groceries.

taurus85 wrote: »

I am being very pragmatic here

No, you're really not. You're allowing yourself to be taken completely advantage of.

Seriously, OP, what to do if and when you want to have a lady caller over is the absolute least of your worries right now.

taurus85

I know, it is costing me dearly financially, emotionally and socially.
My father has helped me in the past but nothing like this.

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This post has been deleted.

Paddy Cow

Op if a parent was posting about an adult child living at home bill free and taking the car to work, they'd be told to kick the adult child out. It's a bit trickier because it's your father but the principle is the same - this is an adult who is taking the absolute p!ss and you don't have to put up with it out of a sense of duty.

If you let this go on he will never leave. Why would he? I bet every poster on this thread will say the same thing but it doesn't matter until you get the confidence and assertiveness to lay down the law. Start with the car and say that you will be taking it to work from now on and get your keys back. Tell your father that you want €100 per week. This will not be used for bills but you will save it for him for a deposit and he can start looking at areas now. If you do this you'll have €1,200 is just under 3 months which gives your father plenty of time to think about where he wants to go to.

Ghekko

What happened to the family home? Is your mother still there - did he come away with any money from the divorce? I agree that you need to get him to pay a bit of rent and bills. Yes he has been good to you but it doesn't mean you have to repay the same generosity. That is not how the cycle works. You can be financially helpful without been taken for granted. If you have kids you fund them but you don't expect them to fund you in later years. You make provisions for that yourself. He's a young man and perhaps needs a bit of guidance to show him how he can get on his feet and start a new life for himself.

December2012

Why is he not paying for rent, food and bills?