Relationship with Women

Powerd1991

Hi,

I am 23 years old and I would like to open up about my relationship with women.

I have always had difficulty connecting with women since I began secondary school (for small talk, friendships or for relationships). I really cannot tell you why this is. I am wondering if anyone would have any advice on how to get better at talking to women.

I am currently working professionally in Dublin, and I enjoy it very much! Everyone is great and helpful.

When trying to start conversations with women, I find it difficult to approach/interact.

I treat women equally to men except, I regard women as almost perfect with all the knowledge and capabilities of enabling me to become as I was designed to become by connecting with them through friendships/relationships. I do not see men as having those abilities. Therefore, I have praise for women and look up to them - almost fear them with the intention of always "kneeling before them" resulting in courtesy, gentleness, being gentlemanly for e.g. opening the door for them, being enthusiastic/kind etc. in the hope of this approach would establish trust that I'm respectful and worth their attention.

Is this an okay view? ( I am trying to explain it as best as I can please let me know if you disagree)

I get confused as all women are different. I find it difficult to establish a relationship with them as I don't know what drives women to allow a man-women relationship to occur.

A lot of women would not respond to me the same way a lot of men would respond to me.

That makes me feel very defeated of the fact that I cant start a relationship with them (even if it is small talk). - I do not know what they are looking for in a man.

This defeatedness makes me very anxious and nervous around women and I don't know how to respond.


I am considering going out and talking to 1,000 women until I understand how to make small talk, friendships, relationships.


Thank you for reading.

I appreciate any advice!

strandroad

Powerd1991 wrote: »

I treat women equally to men except, I regard women as almost perfect with all the knowledge and capabilities of enabling me to become as I was designed to become by connecting with them through friendships/relationships. I do not see men as having those abilities. Therefore, I have praise for women and look up to them - almost fear them with the intention of always "kneeling before them" resulting in courtesy, gentleness, being gentlemanly for e.g. opening the door for them, being enthusiastic/kind etc. in the hope of this approach would establish trust that I'm respectful and worth their attention.

Is this an okay view? ( I am trying to explain it as best as I can please let me know if you disagree)

You make it sound as if we are different species. It doesn't bode well as it probably comes across very awkward. Did you not have school friends, sisters or cousins growing up? What makes you think we are so different?

Powerd1991

HI Strandroad,

Thank you for your reply.

I have 3 sisters. I think that the difference would be that I know they know me/ trust me and I am very relaxed around them.

You are right to say that I am awkward around women that I do not know - I do not want to say the wrong thing, as I have done this before and at times those relationships did not go any further.

I want to be able to further these relationships.

I would love to know the main factors that allow women and men connect on a personal level.


Thanks

micks_address

Powerd1991 wrote: »

HI Strandroad,

Thank you for your reply.

I have 3 sisters. I think that the difference would be that I know they know me/ trust me and I am very relaxed around them.

You are right to say that I am awkward around women that I do not know - I do not want to say the wrong thing, as I have done this before and at times those relationships did not go any further.

I want to be able to further these relationships.

I would love to know main factors that allow women and men connect on a personal level.


Thanks

The one thing I'd say is not to worry about it. I used to panic that I'd never meet anyone when in college. There's so many different people in the world. As I started work there were nights out, social circles grew and you get more relaxed with people and yourself. I'd say dont idolise women... I mean yes they are great.. But men are to.. It's not about disrespecting women but you need to consider it more an equal thing..

Powerd1991

Hi micks_address,

Thank you for your reply.

I think I understand what you are saying. I do worry around women but I will socialize more in circles.

I will also change my thinking about men and women as one not being different than the other - I think that this was a thought I couldn't make clear.

I have a different perception now thanks very much!

Neyite

Mod:

wizardman, welcome to Personal Issues. It's an advice forum where helpful advice is given in a civil and courteous manner. We don't allow derogatory remarks towards either gender, therefore your post was deleted. Please have a read of the charter before posting again.

Flibble

Op... Please don't put women on a pedestal. It's very off-putting for most of us.

You shouldn't view women like they are better than you, like they hold some magical key to helping you attain your best self- you will ALWAYS fail to develop unhealthy dynamics while you hold this attitude.

Focus on being your best self, alone, and learn to be comfortable in your own skin, then you will naturally attract people who can feel comfortable around you, who won't feel the enormity of having a 'project' on their hands, and who can relax and be themselves.

Your confidence sounds fairly low. You won't find the antidote to that in anyone but yourself. Develop it by finding things you're good at, and throwing yourself into those pursuits.

osarusan

I don't know how you have ended up with the perception of women that you have, but unless you stop thinking of relationships with women as some kind of Gordian Knot to be solved, you'll come across as very awkward.

Powerd1991

HI,

I disagree with your message modification.

I have a clearer understanding of how to treat men and women equally based on that message.

Thanks.

Mr. Incognito

Hello there

Women and men are different physically and in the way they can think. That's a generalisation.

In reality there are the same amount of intelligent, kind, interesting, caring people of both sexes in the same way there are the same amount of selfish, vain, stupid, petty gob****es of both sexes.

Start dividing people by sound or dickhead of both sexes and not along sex and you will get along much better in life.

When you talk about women being

regard women as almost perfect with all the knowledge and capabilities of enabling me to become as I was designed to become by connecting with them through friendships/relationships

just think of a very loud fart noise.

They are not almost perfect. They are human and divided along the lines of sound and dickheads.

And that test is subjective to everyone.

Powerd1991

Hi Fibble and Osarusan,

Thank you for your reply.

I will do as you said and I will try new pursuits - I spend most my time around men.

Yes, I would say that ever since my deceased mother, I have little confidence around women.

Thank you.

Wheety

Why treat women like they're a different species? That's why you're so awkward around women.

Do you have a good sense of humour with the lads? Is it easy to talk to guys? Well just act the same with women.

Bit of slagging, if done right, has always served me well. Not putting them on a pedestal.

Powerd1991

HI Mr. Incognito,

Thank you for your reply.

That is a funny strategy, I can definitely think of that!

Yes, ok you are right that there are both sound and not so sound people and thats how I should look at it - I will change my view there.

Thanks!

Powerd1991

Hi Wheety,

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I would have tried being funny like being around lads but it seems as if Im trying to be "masculine" around women but in reality I have a childlike character.

When being childlike (myself) I would get called "cute" etc - that is defeating to me as I would like a different relationship.

I would say I am caught in the middle between being myself and at the same time attempting to have male characteristics. (edit)
Thanks

LegacyUser

Hi there,

It sounds like you're taking the advice about women not being as glorious as all that which is a good first step. I was in a relationship for a year and half with someone who wouldn't acknowledge or pull me up when I was being a bit of a dick and it was actually really hard to deal with. In the end it felt like he didn't really even like me but he was in love with the idea of me. And he made me his whole life as well which was quite emotionally exhausting as he never socialised with his friends and neglected his studies so he expected me to be available 24/7 which wasn't feasible, I was in college in another city and lived with 2 of my best friends which led to extended social study sessions, but because he thought I was perfect he'd always assume I didn't need to put the work in and pressured me to be on the phone more often. When I explained to him I needed to set a specific time to do this because I felt like I wasn't getting enough work done he'd text me while I was studying instead and then a week later suggested moving city to pay for our apartment and so I could focus on my studies. Which would've been fine if I could trust him to build a life outside of work and me, he also would never make the effort with my friends stating they had nothing in common (not true, as they had similar hobbies, music tastes, and senses of humour) which is why I liked them all and had gotten talking to him about in the first place. I knew being with someone who expected me to be their everything and for me to behappy with having nothing much outside of them and college (then presumably work) would suffocate me and I didn't want to be made feel inferior living a lie. Since you want to get to know women and have romantic relationships I suggest getting to know some as friends first, the least daunting of these might be wives or partners of your male friends. Subconsciously knowing these women are not suitable dating material might take the edge off and I'm sure at least one of your friends is involved with somebody you have something in common with because you both probably have something in common with him. Maybe invite friends and their partners over for an informal dinner ask them to tell the story of how they met, you'll maybe gets some ideas of places or things to try and it'll probably lead onto talk of hobbies and interests or what music they like because they met at a concert. I have closeknit of mix gender group of friends from my home town and I know it makes a difference to us all heck my male best friends have stuck around far longer than any boyfriend I've had and really helped me through the tough times in a very different way than my female friends and the guys have all said they're glad to have female friends especially for questions on dating I hate to think of you missing out on that bond. Oh and starting conversations with people online is great I use imgur.com to chat to strangers and quite often I've no idea what gender the person is, you can't be awkward if you don't know they're women and once you find out you'll have already broken the ice and hopefully you will feel more comfortable. And a lot of women are quite childish too (I make terrible puns, tend to have glitter with me, and tease my boyfriend with a water pistol) and have a soft spot for cute, it gets a bad rep but cute is a solid foundation. Sorry this is such a rambling mess but you seem like a nice person and I wanted to offer some advice. I'm sorry you lost your mother, you must be feeling lonely without her.

qwerty13

Powerd1991 wrote: »

... I regard women as almost perfect with all the knowledge and capabilities of enabling me to become as I was designed to become by connecting with them through friendships/relationships. I do not see men as having those abilities. Therefore, I have praise for women and look up to them - almost fear them with the intention of always "kneeling before them" resulting in courtesy, gentleness, being gentlemanly for e.g. opening the door for them, being enthusiastic/kind etc. in the hope of this approach would establish trust that I'm respectful and worth their attention.

Is this an okay view?

To me, this is not an okay view at all. Very much the opposite.

You sound very intense, which i would find very offputting.

The ‘enabling you to become as you were designed to become’ - what on earth is that about? You control your own future. You don’t - or shouldn’t - need anyone else to help you ‘become as you were designed to become’. Besides, it is not the job or responsibility of a woman partner or friend of family member to sort your life out for you.

You shouldn’t ‘kneel before’ anyone, male or female. That just sounds obsessive and a bit creepy.

I suspect English may not be your first language, in which case maybe you are coming across more intensely than you realise. Your views of women, in the manner that you express them, would really put me off.