How to help my mum change

LegacyUser

Parents separated a few years ago.
My fathers mental health issues were the reason. It was a very tough one to get the head around. A solid year of next to no sleep. The more I read and educated myself about the specific issues the more I understood the once great big taboo.
My plan was and is to this day to be there for both of them and hope that one day they can find happiness in their respective lives and ,of course, that my father can find a way cope with his illness. I will never take a side.
I've always been closer to my father but was lucky enough to have a decent relationship with my mother too.
Naturally this has been very tough for my mother. She has suffered more than I will, hopefully, ever know. However, I am finding it increasingly difficult to communicate with her about the issue. She claims to understand the illness, yet regularly bears ill will towards my father and actually communicates this to him. This is very hard to listen to and even harder when I find out what she's said to him. She's not a great listener and has always been quite defensive- as have I to be fair.
Initially I would have given her a pass.. 'love is blind'. But as the years go by, I am finding it harder to sympathise, to listen and to talk about it. It's one way traffic, advice is not taken on board and I feel like I'm being used.
For about 6 months now I have refused to engage in the conversation- shrug of the shoulders, one word answers. I've explained to her why. But she keeps forgetting or chooses to forget. It's effecting our overall relationship- the separation has a massive hold on her still, despite her protestations that she's moved on.
I'm starting to feel like there isn't going to be a change and that scares me. It's exhausting too. Obvious answers are hard to come by and the sleepless nights are back.
Would love to hear of any advice or examples of similar experiences.

Xterminator

Hi Op

IMO the problem here is you are trying to 'fix' your mother. The solution is to accept her as is. She is not going to change anytime soon, and thats the way it is.

The healing process will take as long as it takes and she may never reach a place where she can be objective in her assessment of her marriage, and how it fell apart, and of your father and his role in that. she has to grieve for what has been lost.

Why should she 'forgive' if she is not ready to? Do you think she should bottle it up inside rather than express her feelings? I think you need to be more understand & accepting of her position.

now i can completely understand you not wanting to be taking sides. I'm not sure what you mean by that, but listening to your mother complain is not taking sides. Understanding she carries a hurt does not mean taking sides.

My advice do not try to change your mother, try to be more understanding.