Should we move or stay in MILs

Annabanana23

Hi guys,

I have another situation I need advice on.

I moved in with my boyfriend and his mother two months ago. It was only supposed to be temporary until we found somewhere else suitable to live. However, my boyfriend has stated today that he wants to stay here until we can get our forever home. He says we will be able to save more money.

Am I being irrational for thinking this is a horrible idea? We don't get space or privacy, our sex life has suffered and his mother is a heavy smoker (I just found out I'm pregnant and the smell is making me gag already).

My boyfriend basically forced my hand to make me move in here from my old place where I was comfortable. I finally begrudgingly agreed on the basis that it was short term.

My boyfriend and I have never lived alone together before this, always sharing. Am I wrong for wanting a little alone time with him before baby comes??

I do understand the logical side for saving. But how am I supposed to throw away my uncomfortableness and independence just like that?

Please give advice guys, my head is in a twist x

wiggle16

Hi OP

Firstly - congratulations

Secondly: Just to say, I think it's a bit much of your boyfriend to ask you to move in temporarily to his family home and then to turn around after two months and announce it's for the foreseeable future. So I definitely understand your head being in a twist.

That being said, I would imagine that he made this announcement on finding out you were pregnant - that does change the nature of your original temporary arrangement. It was nice of your MIL to let you both move back - I know my ma would not have another couple living in her house indefinitely - and with things the way they are in the rental market at the moment, I would take the opportunity to save money, especially before the baby comes along. Unless you are both earning a lot of money, it will be extremely difficult to save anything for a house if you are paying rent + baby costs + being on maternity leave.

Assuming you *both* have your hearts set on getting your forever home ASAP: From a practical point of view, I think you'd be mad not to stay with the MIL for the time being - if the arrangement works. I think you both need to sit down and work out a time frame for how long you'd be staying there and how much you intend to save, and ultimately if that will be enough to get a mortgage.

With respect, you will both need to be realistic about how long you can stay there and how much you can save. As you say, your MIL is a heavy smoker and I'd imagine you don't want to bring the baby home to a smokey house (I say this as a smoker myself). If you realistically won't save enough between now and your due date to get the ball rolling on buying a home of your own, then his forever home will have to wait. You haven't mentioned how long your mother in law intends for yous to stay or whether she would prefer yous to have moved out when the baby comes (not unreasonable if you have the means to rent), so that's really the first thing you need to work out.

It is natural to want your alone time as a couple, pre-natal, and the lack of privacy and independence would definitely get to me tbh. But if your goal is to save for your own home, you have to prioritise and realistically, something will have to give. I don't think giving up some of your privacy and independence for a few months is a massive price to pay if you will benefit in the long term (I actually think it's a bargain); but if you really don't think that you can stand that or if you think your relationship will suffer then the BF will have to bite the bullet and put the house on hold.

Ultimately, you need to work out the following, and you need to work them out soon:
How long are you prepared to stay?
How long is MIL prepared to let you stay, and will she still be willing after the baby comes?
How much can you save in that time, and will that realistically be enough for a home of your own?

You will have to be practical about this - with respect, I would forget about your BF "making" you move, it's after the fact and you need to deal with your current situation, not your previous living arrangements. He also needs to be real about what's feasible, both in terms of getting a house and whether staying with his mother long term (whatever long term means to him) is workable. If you're not going to be in a position to buy when the baby comes, then that will have to go on the long finger while you rent. And remember that this is not HIS decision, it's a joint one.

Either way, I wish you the best of luck OP x

woodchuck

Oh man...

Firstly, I'm sure you know it's not a good idea to raise a baby in a home with a heavy smoker.

Secondly, you said you've never lived alone together. I would strongly advise living alone together before you buy a place together. Now is the best time as you won't be alone for long with the baby on the way!

This is assuming you can afford to rent somewhere. I really hope you can, as you can't put a price on your freedom and independence. Talk to your boyfriend. Make your feelings clear. Don't let him twist your arm into staying longer than you're comfortable with.

blairbear

It is not a good idea to be PREGNANT in a smokey home, never mind have a baby in one.

There is an abundance of evidence which shows the effects of smoke on a baby's respiratory system. I can't emphasise enough how much this can affect a child even in utero.

Move out for that reason alone.

Rekop dog

blairbear wrote: »

It is not a good idea to be PREGNANT in a smokey home, never mind have a baby in one.

There is an abundance of evidence which shows the effects of smoke on a baby's respiratory system. I can't emphasise enough how much this can affect a child even in utero.

Move out for that reason alone.

Overreaction imo. I assume she doesn't smoke in people's faces and smoke doesn't linger that long so as long as she isn't near the mother when smoking the only downside is the smell which may make her feel a bit queasy but won't affect the child one bit obviously.

Also OP I wouldn't say you have to necessarily live alone before buying with someone. I'd definitely recommend living together before which you have done and are doing. If anything that's a greater test of a relationship as you don't have as much space so if you can put up with each other in this scenario it's a good sign.

I think staying with the MIL's and saving for a place of your own is by far the smartest plan now that you're pregnant. How much longer would this take if you were renting and paying for the upkeep of a baby? I'd hazard a guess at very long. Stick it out for the good of your future imo.

woodchuck

Rekop I don't think it's an overreaction to be concerned about the health of the unborn child. There's enough research out there about the dangers of second hand smoking (including for pregnant women) that I personally wouldn't take the risk of living with a heavy smoker if I was pregnant and could afford an alternative.

blairbear

Rekop dog wrote: »

Overreaction imo. I assume she doesn't smoke in people's faces and smoke doesn't linger that long so as long as she isn't near the mother when smoking the only downside is the smell which may make her feel a bit queasy but won't affect the child one bit obviously.

Also OP I wouldn't say you have to necessarily live alone before buying with someone. I'd definitely recommend living together before which you have done and are doing. If anything that's a greater test of a relationship as you don't have as much space so if you can put up with each other in this scenario it's a good sign.

I think staying with the MIL's and saving for a place of your own is by far the smartest plan now that you're pregnant. How much longer would this take if you were renting and paying for the upkeep of a baby? I'd hazard a guess at very long. Stick it out for the good of your future imo.

As a doctor specialising in Paediatric Emergency Medicine, I can assure you it is not an overreaction.

Second-hand smoke has been proven to have an affect on the health of a baby whether the parents/household members smoke outside the house or not.

I am not going to veer into the territory of giving medical advice on boards, but this article (available to anyone who cares to Google the subject) discusses the matter of passive cigarette smoke exposure in infants. Numerous other articles in well regarded medical publications are easily sourced too.

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/352684

osarusan

Any hints on how long he expects you all to live there with her?

It's one thing when it's just the two of you, but another when a newborn baby comes along. Does the mother know about that yet, and how does she feel about it? It wouldn't surprise me if she's not all that thrilled herself at the prospect of a newborn baby.

Financially it makes the most sense to live with her, for sure, but finances aren't everything and if it's something that's going to cause real problems in the relationship, then you need to make that clear.

If it's that important for you to get your own place, stick up for yourself now (and remind him that the agreement was something short-term), rather than in a few months, when you'll be occupied with preparations for a baby.

Annabanana23

Thanks everybody for your replies. A few things, the MIL knows I'm pregnant and is more than happy for us to stay there, even after the baby is born. The smoke thing bothers me a lot. The smoke also makes me beyond nauseous. And I never get any space unless I lock myself in room in times I'm in the house.

The rate at which we could afford our own home within the next 5 years seems unlikely, even without the baby. I can't see myself staying here for 5 years.

Annabanana23

Ps. In response to the person who said the smoking thing was an "overreaction", it's not. She does smoke in my face and all over the house. It wafts up into the room and I can't set foot downstairs without gagging.

osarusan

Annabanana23 wrote: »

The rate at which we could afford our own home within the next 5 years seems unlikely, even without the baby. I can't see myself staying here for 5 years.

This is the thing, isn't it, as another poster mentioned above.

"Live with my mother for a while to save money for a house" sounds like a plan alright, but when you look at the numbers and work out how much you'd need to save, and how long it would take to save that, and you come up with a figure of 5 years, things look a bit different.

Is that a number you came up with together, or just something you've calculated by yourself? Is your partner actually suggesting that you live with his mother for the next 5 years?

December2012

Are you the poster who moved abroad to be with your partner and was feeling excluded and gaslighted by their partner?

Ghekko

No way would I bring a baby home where someone smokes. Besides that issue having a newborn is a tense, tiring time when you both can be irritable (just painting a realistic picture here - sorry) and might be difficult in someone else's house where you can't just be yourself 100%. If your bf is hell bent on staying with mammy then I'd be looking for alternative accommodation for yourself and the baby. It's all good and well to stay and save for a few months but not a few years.

annoyedgal

I would be looking for somewhere else to live pronto OP. Being in a smoky house when pregnant would be a deal breaker for me and not a chance would i bring a newborn there or any child for that matter if MIL smokes freely around the house.

Big Bag of Chips

I think you need to consider the longterm here. How long are you living with his mother? And how much have you both saved in that time? Is there an actual savings plan in place or are you just "saving" by not paying rent?

I think you need to set out very clearly to him what you are willing to do. He can tell you he wants to stay with his mother, you can tell him you don't want to, and a compromise will have to be found.

It's all well and good living with family to save for a house, but not everyone has the luxury, and they manage somehow. How much do you need to save? And how long, realistically, is it going to take to save it? How much are you saving a month?

For the smoking alone I couldn't stay there, pregnant or not. You need to talk to each other. Properly.

Sunny Dayz

Things have changed since you moved into your MIL's house. I think you should put the house buying on the back burner for the moment, I'm assuming the house buying a recent discussion and as such you haven't much of a buyers deposit saved or done any house hunting yet. Focus on saving enough money for baby things and a deposit for a place to rent that is suitable for a child. You will have a lot of demands on your funds over the next few years and if you are working then childcare is going to be a big cost for you.

PrincessPoutyP

You really don't want your MIL backseat parenting either which she won't be able to help herself doing if you live with her, it'll cause upsets and rows unless she backs up every decision ye make 100%. Pretty sure your fella will default to mammy's experience sometimes too since it'd be weird if he didn't trust her to know what she's doing which won't be fun. Tell him you need to move out for health reasons for the baby and you which is the truth because we all know stress is bad for us physically and you've said you don't get any space so that's a huge stressor right there. Also it was unfair of him to drop that bombshell on you after the fact about staying there until you've found a place you want to live in forever, he doesn't get to decide that by himself and tell him you aren't comfortable with the realities of it.

Annabanana23

Okay guys, update.
I'm now 14 weeks pregnant and we have been searching for somewhere else to live. No such luck. We both work although I've had to drop my hours to part time because of pregnancy related issues (30hours).

However, it's proving beyond difficult to find accommodation that is below our threshold and several agents have even said they won't entertain a new born baby in apartments "unfair to neighbours".

Getting very depressed with the whole situation and my relationship is starting to bear the weight of this.

Annabanana23

December2012 wrote: »

Are you the poster who moved abroad to be with your partner and was feeling excluded and gaslighted by their partner?

No, that's not me