Relationship with my Mum

LegacyUser

Looking for some advice on my relationship with my mum.

I’m in my early 30’s, my parents separated about 5 years ago but remain very amicable which is of great comfort. It was my mum that left my dad and I believe I am carrying some resentment towards her for this which I cannot explain. Although I love my dad, he would have been very difficult to live with throughout their marriage, he was verbally abusive and just difficult in general and I can appreciate that my mum would not have had an easy life with him. The decision she took to leave the marriage must have taken great strength.
However before she left my dad she confided in me that she had met someone else, she categorically denies that this was the reason she left my dad and also says that nothing happened between this man and her before she left him. I find it really difficult to believe her on this and had many arguments with her at the time on this issue. It’s probably important to say that my dad was unfaithful c. 15 years ago which obviously caused my mum a lot of pain and I guess things were never the same after that.

I have always found my mum to be quite anxious and erratic, I’d even go so far as to describe her as somewhat vulnerable. She was abused as a child by a number of men. I have been with her when she made a statement to the guards so I am aware of all the facts surrounding this. It’s harrowing to say the least and goes a long way to explain her characteristics.

To get to my issue, I’m very hard on her, she can annoy me over the smallest of things (this is my issue, not hers), I feel that she can be quite needy whereas I’m very independent, perhaps too much so at times. I can be very distant towards her and it really is something that upsets me. I’m her only daughter and I know she would love nothing more than to have a good solid relationship with me but as she says, she is always “walking on eggshells around me”. I cannot explain the reasons for my behaviour towards her. I want to have a good relationship with her.

I think part of my issues is due to resentment, perhaps I’m annoyed that she put up with my dad’s behaviour for so long (myself and my siblings didn’t come away unscathed by it either). I was also very badly bullied for much of my childhood and on reflection, my mum wasn’t able to support me due to her own issues at the time.
Has anyone/does anyone have a similar issue? Any advice on how I can try and make things better between us?

stop animal cruelty

Hey op...I am in the feel position as you some what.

Although my parents are not separated, things have happened in the past in which I believe if my mom stepped in, things would have been different. I also felt very controlled by her thought out my childhood and teens.

Anyway, like you l would onl y love to have that normal mother daughter relationship but the smallest tiniest things she does....annoyings the fcuk out of me too, and I am quiet ashamed about that. It actually feels like my bad dirty secret.

I feel like a bad person for losing my temper with her, not treating her nice....and including her in things. I find though a compromise needs to be made for eg. She will ask of I want dinner, I say no, and she makes one for me anyway. I would hang clothes out To dry, clean the house...she would rearrange/move things around, that I have tided.

I feel at times she does not listen and actually register what I say, which I think is connected to anxiety. And she acts a bit erratic at times, which I feel embarrassed about...but you've pointed out, it's vulnerability. And that's opened my eyes.

I'm trying to be less judgemental and do make more of an effort with her, but it has to be baby steps for me. Resentment can't just disappear over night.

If l do find her really annoying me, 9times out of 10 il walk out of the room "normally , not huff and puff slamming the door behind me. Cause I know that nd all my other actions hurt her.

I feel so shamed and embarrassed by my feelings towards her, your not alone on this op.

Pelvis

Sounds like you need to speak to a professional OP.

koumi

Hi to the both of ye, I'm the erratic mother. I'm also a daughter so I can relate to how it is as a child growing up in a difficult environment. My daughter for the most part is self sufficient (an adult) and I can see so many traits in both of you that she also possesses, that fierce independent streak, her loyalty and sense of responsibility, her fears and anxieties and anger and above all her love for her mother.

It would be remiss of me to think I have a magic solution and I second the suggestion to seek professional help, I've always stressed the importance of talking it out in a safe environment and knowing full well that my own suggestions would be considered "interference" had to trust that the help she needed would be available through her doctor or school/college facilities.

Ironically, it's much more available to younger people than it ever has been or probably will be for the previous generation and despite my seeking assistance over the years, maybe because I wasn't a college student or anything other than a single parent in the eyes of a professional who might otherwise have offered assistance, getting help has been a struggle in itself so I had little option but to try and manage without it.

I was recently recommended a book by a very good doctor called 'codependent no more' by Melodie Beattie, which has been very useful and informative. If I could I would suggest it to my daughter too. (also, I'm not actually your mother so please, don't get angry with me for sharing )

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the advice, I had considered therapy previously and may look into it further, I know my feelings are something that needs to be addressed. Funnily enough my own mum had recommended the book "co dependent no more" so maybe I should really give it a go!

To the poster who has said my dad sounds like an asshole and called me snooty or something similar, your post is most unhelpful. I'm here looking for advice to try and mend the relationship with my mum. I love her to the moon and back. I've sat in rooms with her for over 6 hours at a time while she provides statements of her abuse to the guards. I've listened to the horriffic details of the sexual abuse she went through and have consistently provided her with support around this. She acknowledges without my support she wouldn't have had the strength to do it. When a person goes through what she has, they come away with their own long list of issues, issues which I think may be impacting on the way I interact with her.

As for my dad, he's not perfect and comes with his own problems as we all do. Hence why I'm here (my imperfect self) looking for advice on my feelings which I cannot explain.
My parents remain very good friends and indeed get on better now than they possibly ever did.
I'm not here saying I hate my mum, she's a bad person etc. I'm here acknowledging that it is my behaviour that needs addressing.

average hero

Hi OP,

I would further advise the use of a professional.

Interestingly, I was previously in a similar situation where my mam left my dad. While the relationship was rocky for a year or two before she left him, she did meet someone before she left my dad and went to live with this new man. I have never met this new man, nor will I but I am telling you this as I believe I have the same sort of resentment and relationship with my mother that you have with yours, to a certain extent.

I may well get that book referenced above and will consult with a professional myself. I can only wish you well on your journey.

The Princess Bride

First and foremost, I agree with those who recommend that you seek professional help.

While I acknowledge your role in helping your mother report her childhood abuse, I feel no child should be put in a position where they have to accompany their parent to the gardaí and have to sit through the no doubt harrowing account, of how this abuse occurred.
This is just too much.

Even though you're an adult, you're their child and nobody needs to see their parent being exposed in such a manner.
You have, and you cannot turn the clock back or delete what you have witnessed.

I can only imagine you feel quite overwhelmed with everything.
There are lots of very qualified counsellors out there, who'll help you through this.
It can take a while to find the right one, best of luck to you.

And actually if she's not already had some, your mother too would benefit from counselling.
She had her childhood taken from her without her consent, her adulthood wasn't exactly a walk in the park, she needs to learn to value herself and her worth.
Chances are, she won't be able to do this alone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies and advice.

It's nice to know that others also have the same feelings/issues as I am facing.

Just on the point of her reporting of the abuse and me being there. It is definitely not something I regret, unfortunately like many in her situation most of her family turned against her when she spoke out about it and she has been treated like a pariah, I was happy to be able to support her through it and be there for her. However I understand the concerns raised about it.

I don't want to divulge too much personal detail here but she has had years of counselling and has gone on to study and work in that field and I think that's another reason why she finds the way I am with her so difficult. She knows I can probably change if I were to seek professional help.

vetinari

I have a strained relationship with my Dad due to his behavior while we were growing up (and occasionally still today)
He's prone to incidents where he gets really angry and roars at someone. It's definitely an easy way to build up resentment in the person being roared at.

Whats been tough for me in terms of coming to terms with that resentment is that there was no proper resolution.
My Dad is very repressed emotionally and any attempts to talk to him about his bad behavior just cause him to clam up.
The biggest issue for me is that there's no resolution to the problems, you're just expected to deal with it.

Wondering if that's a similar situation for you. Has you Mum ever talked in depth to you about her reasons for leaving your father?
Sometimes with family issues, parents just assume their kids will get over things and they don't have to "fix" issues the same way they would with another adult.

qwerty13

My 2c (which of course could be utterly wrong). It’s not about your parents splitting up - it’s about your mother crossing the parent/child relationship, and bringing you into her relationships (and trauma).

I think you’re having a very hard time with your mother treating you as an adult confidant re her trauma, when you perhaps weren’t old enough / mature enough to deal with that. She bared her soul, when maybe you weren’t equipped to deal with it. Further compounded by you feeling that she didn’t support you when you needed it, and didn’t deal with her relationship with your father very well, in your view.

It just sounds like you weren’t ready at all for the support your mother needed from you, and while you understood why she needed your support, you found it really hard to handle. That’s understandable. But you really do need to speak to someone about it - if you don’t, there’s her very understandable hope for support, and you understandably feeling a bit overwhelmed- and nothing will change unless one or both of you seek more or better help with this.

Neyite

Mod:

Aspadeaspade, your post was deleted as it was below the standard expected in this forum. As your username indicates, it was abrasive and called the OP derogatory names and that is unacceptable.

There are ways to get your point across and advise the OP in a way that's civil and kind, and we expect posters to do that here.