Telling son about adopted sister

Crea

My husband had a daughter with his gf 32 years ago and the child was given up for adoption.
The bio mother tried to make contact around 13 years ago when she was gravely ill. The girl didn't want to have contact but did write a letter talking about her life and how happy she has been with her adoptive family.
Luckily the bio mother made a full recovery. She is in contact sometimes with my husband and is still desperate to see the girl but hasn't made any further contact. She has done a bit of sleuthing and has found the girl on fb and husband and I have seen pics of her.
We have a son who is 14 and I think it's time we told him about his half sister. I'm wondering if it's a good idea as she doesn't seem interested in her bio parents. I know he will want to reach out and it will bother him greatly if he doesn't.
Does anyone have any advice on what to do and how to approach It?

Ghekko

Firstly may I say how refreshing it is to read your post and how you and your husband are willing to tell your son. Many would prefer to keep the 'secret'. Did your husband's ex go through a social worker to find their daughter? It must have been very difficult when she didn't want to meet. Any chance the mum and your husband would make another attempt at contact - a letter from each telling her a bit about themselves, family etc? Things may have changed in those 13 years, the girl is more grown up, may have kids and it may be a better time in her life to welcome her birth parents into it. I suppose many adoptees are content with their lives and wouldn't want to hurt their adoptive parents by reuniting with birth family. It's hard when one party isn't open to a reunion.

As regards your son, it's hard to know when is a good time to tell him. In my husband's case his adult siblings had not been told, but his birth mum and her wonderful husband sat down with the kids and told them as soon as the social worker contacted birth mother to say Dh was looking for her. It obviously would have been easier if they had known as it was a shock for them, and then they all met shortly afterwards. I think it would be nice for your son to know about her but I wouldn't give him too much information as regards her surname, whereabouts, etc in case he'd take it upon himself to contact her online.

If another attempt at contact is made then your son could write to her if she is open to contact.

tcif

Crea wrote: »

The girl didn't want to have contact but did write a letter talking about her life and how happy she has been with her adoptive family.

Perhaps the best approach would be respecting her choice when she said she didn't want contact? Even 13 years ago she wasn't exactly a "girl", she was a young woman and seemingly clear enough about what she wanted. I gather from your post that beyond her initial letter saying she was happy in her life she never made any attempt to contact her biological mother, never changed her mind over the years.

I can fully understand her biological parents desire to reconnect with her but they made a choice 32 years ago (and in no way judgemental of that - I'm sure they did what they thought was best at the time) that fundamentally affected her life that she had no part in. Fortunately out of that choice she has a happy life, a family and if her choice now is to live the life she has (that doesn't include her biological parents) then maybe they should respect that and let her be and just be glad she's happy.

Ghekko

tcif most mothers didn't have a choice - they were forced to give up their child and it was the last thing they wanted to do. My husband was content with his life, idolised his adoptive parents, yet in his early 40's he suddenly decided to look for his birth mother. So for all the years he thought he didn't need to know, something then changed in him and he's in a wonderful relationship with his birth mum and family. Life brings changes and this girl could well be open to contact at this point in her life, or even further down the road. I would never assume that because she was happy to leave things be 13 years ago that it means she never wants contact.

tcif

Ghekko wrote: »

most mothers didn't have a choice

I get that completely and never suggested otherwise for a moment. But what I've seen first hand of this situation is from the other perspective - a good friend whose life was turned completely upside down by biological parents who tracked him down in his 30's and would not accept that, as far as he was concerned, he had parents and a family and they weren't it. His parents were the people who raised him and he didn't want to look back and asked them repeatedly to leave him alone and they wouldn't. It caused terrible hurt and stress and upheaval when all he wanted was to get on with the life he'd known up to then.

Crea

Hi all, thanks so much for your views. I feel so badly for the birth mother. She never went on to have any more kids and only got married in the past few years in her late 40's. Not having contact with her child has left a massive hole in her life.
I'd hate to think that by telling our son about a sister he can't have contact with would leave a similar missing piece in his life. Maybe we should wait a while until he's mature enough to process it. I dunno.
We are all so open to contact but if she's doesn't want to know we gave to respect that.

Ghekko

Crea wrote: »

Hi all, thanks so much for your views. I feel so badly for the birth mother. She never went on to have any more kids and only got married in the past few years in her late 40's. Not having contact with her child has left a massive hole in her life.
I'd hate to think that by telling our son about a sister he can't have contact with would leave a similar missing piece in his life. Maybe we should wait a while until he's mature enough to process it. I dunno.
We are all so open to contact but if she's doesn't want to know we gave to respect that.

I still think another attempt at contact from both birth parents could be made. Was she made aware back then that your Dh was also open to contact and that she has a brother? There has been so much in the media in recent years surrounding adoption. It has opened people's minds and made them think more about their own situations, be it adoptee or birth parents/family members. If she still refuses contact then so be it. Let her know you are all there if and whenever she wants to know you. As regards your son, maybe wait until this has been done before telling him as you'll have a better idea of the situation then.

Stepping Stone

Ghekko wrote: »

I still think another attempt at contact from both birth parents could be made. Was she made aware back then that your Dh was also open to contact and that she has a brother? There has been so much in the media in recent years surrounding adoption. It has opened people's minds and made them think more about their own situations, be it adoptee or birth parents/family members. If she still refuses contact then so be it. Let her know you are all there if and whenever she wants to know you. As regards your son, maybe wait until this has been done before telling him as you'll have a better idea of the situation then.

I would advise against this. She is a 32 year old woman, who has the opportunity to make contact if she wants but does not do it. You should respect her decision.

If another attempt at contact is made, she may politely reject any attempts at contact. This would leave your husband’s ex feeling even worse and if you are looking her up on Facebook, I suspect that you and your husband will feel rejected too.

As for telling your son, I would not do it until he is older. He is not emotionally mature enough now. He may not understand her right not to have any contact with you, he may feel rejected and frustrated. At worst, he will try to contact her through social media and be further rejected. Wait until he is older and able to deal with it all.

She has a right to make her own decisions and I really do not think that contacting her again is the right thing. Respect her decision, as hard as it may be for you.

kathy finn

I think you should be honest with your son, explain to him that he has a half sister who was adopted that at the moment does not want contact.
As for adopted daughter i would try again, she is older and more mature.
A letter is not invading her personal space.
Good luck