Friend has cut me off

LegacyUser

I'm male in my late 40s so no kid..
An old friend of mine for say last 20 years has suddenly stopped communicating with me.
We would have seen a whole lot of each other in recent years but remained good friends.
Meet and chat, lots of online messages, phone calls.. etc
Always respected his opinion and view him as a good guy.
Few months ago.. contact stopped..i messaged.. rang..messaged..nothing.
Messages read but no response.
Did get a reply to a happy New year message but otherwise nought for 3 months.

I won't call over as obviously is 'out with me....god knows why...

I'm bothered...i miss him..

Thoughts?

Tokyo

In my experience (and I'm guilty of this too), people with no attachments sometimes forget that just because things haven't changed in their ives, it doesn't mean the same for friends in different circumstances. There are a multitude of possibilities here - he may have chosen to spend more time with his family, he may be under financial pressure, pressure to work, illness in the family, and a hundred other things, far too many to mention here.

At the end of the day, you can't *force* someone to spend their time with you, all you can do is hope that they want to. Message him with a general "it would be good to catch up for a pint sometime" and leave the door open for him to reply in his own time. But in the meantime, live your life. Don't sit and wait for him to get back to you.

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woodchuck

Does he have kids? If so, then he might have just been extremely busy in the run-up to Christmas. I don't even have kids, but had to book a night out with my friends two months ahead of time!! It's just a mental time of year for a lot of people, so I wouldn't assume that he's cut you off. Just give it some time and he'll come to you if he wants to catch up.

Xterminator

Hi Op

you could wreck you head trying to work out what has triggered this or you could involve a 3rd party to mediate between the 2 of you.

But if you accept your friend has the right to cut you out of his life and that you have made all reasonable effort to communicate, i would respect his decision at this time.

i know its hard but chalk that one up to experience and move on with your life.

GingerLily

Anything could be happening in his life right now, I've fallen off the radar with friends in the past and they've done the same with me - sometimes people are busy!

Ask him to meet up when he can and leave it at that.

Hedone

Agree with all above but also consider is your friend maybe suffering from depression? Some people stop talking to their friends because of that, I have experienced this before with someone. Now they might need a bit of encouragement from you to meet up again or some people really want to be by themselves. All you can really do is send a warm message asking if everything's OK and that you'd love to catch up with them over a cuppa or maybe invite them to see a movie if they're free etc. Showing them that you still care and want to be around them could make them think about replying to you. Hope all works out

Airyfairy12

Could you ask him? If something was going on with him, surely after 20 years of friendship he'd let you know or at the very least reply to your message. Did something happen? might you have said something or could someone have said something about you to him?

Tbh a friend who drops you after 20 years with no word or explanation isnt worth bothering with. He may have meant the world to you but to him the friendship was easily dropped. If given the chance I would bring it up with him - non confrontationally, 20 years is a long time to drop someone with no explanation so I dont think youd be wrong in asking what happened for your own closure, then move on with your life.

His actions say more about himself than you tbf, he's potentially flaky and lacks attachment to others. His loss.

WIZWEB

My response doesn't really offer much of a solution though I had a similar experience so will throw it out here.....My mate disappeared off the radar in June. Again I'm in my mid forties and it was also a 'best' mate of over twenty years. We had our little disagreements over the years though maximum silent treatment was approximately a month ever.

The discard came out of the blue after a few little personal boundary settings from me. I'd just helped him source long-term affordable accommodation with a threat of homelessness looming. A few other things I helped with but his (unentiled) demands were mounting so I minimized them slightly by prioritizing my own needs. Out of the blue I was totally blanked. A few weeks later I heard from a shared aquantaince (sh*t stirrer) who he used to bitch about that they were close buddies out partying etc. I was glad to hear he was alive and well. He is bi-polar. However after all this free time to reflect I'm over missing him and his chaotic lifestyle. His disrespectful ending of our friendship has worked out a good thing for me now I took full account. Over six months later I see with clarity all the selfish dramas over the years.

MissShihTzu

I think we can all relate to this. Of course, you'll probably never know the real reason, but always leave the door open, so's to speak.

I was ghosted by a very good friend of mine. We'd known each other since we were 13, and got up to all sorts together. We were as close as sisters and you never saw one without the other. I was bridesmaid/witness at her first wedding and present for the birth of both of her children. We'd had our spats over the years, so I was completely blindsided when she suddenly ghosted me. Up to now, I am unsure of the reason.

Anyway - we did not see or speak to each other for 18 years. I married, moved here and got on with life. Suddenly, my friend contacted me through Facebook three years ago. Out of the blue.

Turned out my friend was battling mental health issues, and was (and still is) going through a messy divorce. I still haven't seen her but we speak/text at least once a week. I try to be supportive, but we both know the friendship will never be what it was. I feel sad for the loss of the friendship, but know I can deal with my friend on my own terms now.

Keep the door open, but know the friendship as it was is no more. If your friend decides to make contact - great! But YOU drive it. Set your own terms and boundaries.

Rubberchikken

If you felt it was suitable you could ask him if somethings up.
Does he or could he have health issues that are taking up his time?
Its hard when something like this happens and sometimes a person never finds out the reason. Keep going with your life and if he gets in contact then see how things go.

Calypso Realm

What were your last couple of interactions like? Did anything at all 'happen' between you? How open and communicative is he generally about personal issues? Is he a 'sharer' or is he someone who bottles everything up?

I'm asking the above because in my experience when people fall of the radar, situations like this often amongst the most common reasons-one person feels hurt/upset or they've suddenly become so overwhelmed by some personal issues they've lost the ability to be able to fully understand how others may feel about their sudden total lack of communication. Alternatively the relationship sadly may have run its course!

I would just text him something that shows your concern ie Are you OK? etc as often reaching out like this can work wonders.

bertsmom

Op life is too short to worry about this. Hopefully ye had good times and a laugh together and that may very well come back and be grand again in time. From my view I can't really see what your friend is doing wrong.
Maby all is absolutely fine just life is a bit busy for him at the moment and he isn't aware you feel there is something amiss.
I find with my friends now in my mid thirties we are all so much busier now than ever with responsibilities and our contact is less than it would have been years ago but no less valued. It's quality time now more than quantity and to be honest that's just the way life goes.
Barring when something big or stressful happens or support is needed I would find it a bit irritating if a friend was needy or always looking for contact.
I would say give your friend space all seems perfectly normal for an adult friendship.

Teyla Emmagan

This happened to me last year. A good friend suddenly started dodging all my invites to meet up, putting everything on the long finger and then ultimately cancelling etc. Turned out she'd decided to leave her long term partner but didn't want to tell me. She'd decided she was really bored of the relationship about 2 years previously as well. On that occasion she'd been very put out to hear that instead of supporting her moving on with the married guy at work, I thought she should try some couples counseling for the sake of her two little kids. She didn't take that well so decided to ghost me. When I finally heard from her again I wasn't really bothered because I knew exactly why she'd been avoiding me. But it still hurt.

In your case though OP your friend might just be busy! Suggest a game of golf or something and try again. And give him some time, you just never know what's happening with people.

LegacyUser

Hi..OP here..many thanks for all the replies.
As advised I'm just gonna leave it and move on..lots of other friends ..
But just to answer some points in responses..
Said individual is not in a relationship, has no kids, hasn't worked for about 14 years and doesn't drink...so how 'busy' can he actually be?

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bertsmom

Whereshegone wrote:

Hi..OP here..many thanks for all the replies. As advised I'm just gonna leave it and move on..lots of other friends .. But just to answer some points in responses.. Said individual is not in a relationship, has no kids, hasn't worked for about 14 years and doesn't drink...so how 'busy' can he actually be?

Well I don't think anyone else can judge somebody else's level of 'busyness'! It actually doesn't sound like ye are that close friends so you have no idea just because he isn't in a relationship or have kids or drink does not mean he not busy.
Frankly from your last post if that's how you view it he might be better off. I don't have kids and rarely drink I don't think it makes me any less busy than my married friends with kids.
I am busy with other things and frankly if I felt like my friends didn't place any value on my time just because I wasn't running around after kids or planning drinks out every second weekend I'd gladly let that friendship drift into oblivion and be happy to cut contact.

Calypso Realm

I have to say though that although someone might very genuinely be going through a very tough time (possibly details of which they may not want to share with others) it's a bit self-indulgent and self-obsessed not to even consider how our friends might feel when they completely fall of the radar, without any explanation whatsoever! Of course there are a few exceptions to this, depending the the reason but even so, it's a trait that would be a dealbreaker for me, I guess.

I've dumped an ex-colleague/friend for this type of thing once as I got fed up with her frequent disappearances, without any explanation at all. It became apparent in the end, that although she would be happy to stay in touch when she wanted something or needed to vent (and she most certainly thought nothing of making endless phone calls when this was the case) the reverse wasn't necessarily true when someone else was going through a tough time. At these times she expertly became unavailable, only to resurface when the crisis was over!! Although I came to later understand part of her problem was she just didn't have the head-space to deal with others' problems, nonetheless what she did was so self-indulgent and inconsiderate.

In contrast other people have had the consideration to get in touch to explain their circumstances when they needed to concentrate on pressing matters. I rem getting a text from a friend once, who knew I was going through a tough time, to say, that even though she hadn't been able to call (last minute school inspection) that it didn't mean she wasn't thinking/concerned about me! What a nice, thoughtful gesture. Needless to say we're still very good friends!!

LegacyUser

A few years ago I cut an old friend (20+ years) out of my life. I'm not proud of the way I handled it but it had to be done. We were good friends for years and I genuinely enjoyed her company. What happened is that in the later times she started to get on my nerves. She didn't do any particular thing that was bad or especially annoying. She just started to drain the happiness from me when we met up. I cut contact and haven't heard from her since. I don't miss her one bit.

Airyfairy12

Ding Dong You're Not Wrong wrote: »

A few years ago I cut an old friend (20+ years) out of my life. I'm not proud of the way I handled it but it had to be done. We were good friends for years and I genuinely enjoyed her company. What happened is that in the later times she started to get on my nerves. She didn't do any particular thing that was bad or especially annoying. She just started to drain the happiness from me when we met up. I cut contact and haven't heard from her since. I don't miss her one bit.

Do you think something could have been going on with her? Was she suffering from depression or anxiety? Ive been friends with someone for 15 years, about 4 years ago she changed - became very introspective and it was difficult being around her because every interaction was extremely draining - id go home with a headache. She was dealing with mental health problems and now shes doing a hundred times better. I felt at times dropping the friendship completely because it was becoming so toxic and I did create some distance after awhile because it was effecting my own mental health and I was only enabling her by listening to her constant negative talk but im so glad I didn't shut her out because now her life is back on track. I also went through a bad few years of mental health issues and long time friends cut me out - instead of asking if I was ok they didnt care and just cut contact. I realise now im better off without them, they weren't real friends at all. I hope your ex friend found some true friends after the false ones cut her out.

Jay Pentatonic

In my view the key thing here OP is how abrupt this was.

It's one thing for friends to gradually fade apart due to responsibilities/commitments that often come with growing up, but to suddenly cut ties altogether without any warning rings alarm bells for me.

You're better off away from this person. A busy friend who truly appreciates/respects you and values your company will at least make some effort to meet up every once & a while, or tell you what's going on with them.

But I think those who never really cared are likely to cut ties completely and leave you hurt & confused.

Focus on you, and don't look back.

I know it hurts emotionally, but stay strong. Take care.

Tell me how

Jay1989 wrote:

You're better off away from this person. A busy friend who truly appreciates/respects you and values your company will at least make some effort to meet up every once & a while, or tell you what's going on with them.

I'm not saying there definitely are but there could be mitigating circumstances. It's a bit dramatic to suggest you are better off away from someone in my view. At this stage anyway.

What if the OP's friend is suffering with depression, for example. Or any other illness or stress from every day life.

OP, could you contact your friends partner, if they have one, and ask if everything is OK.

Jay Pentatonic

Tell me how wrote: »

I'm not saying there definitely are but there could be mitigating circumstances. It's a bit dramatic to suggest you are better off away from someone in my view. At this stage anyway.

What if the OP's friend is suffering with depression, for example. Or any other illness or stress from every day life.

OP, could you contact your friends partner, if they have one, and ask if everything is OK.

Mitigating circumstances are not to be overlooked, absolutely. I fully agree. And yes, it is kinda dramatic for me to suggest that OP is better off away from this person.

But what stands out to me is that they've known each other for 20 years. I just think that's plenty of time to know someone enough to feel comfortable to at least text a friend of 20 years "Hey, I'm feeling kinda crap, fancy meeting up for a cuppa or something sometime?" I question how much this friend genuinely valued OP's friendship.
Maybe I'm wrong, but that's for OP's judgement.

Also, OP said this friend isn't in a relationship, so texting a partner isn't an option.

Sam Quentin

Hedone wrote: »

Agree with all above but also consider is your friend maybe suffering from depression? Some people stop talking to their friends because of that, I have experienced this before with someone. Now they might need a bit of encouragement from you to meet up again or some people really want to be by themselves. All you can really do is send a warm message asking if everything's OK and that you'd love to catch up with them over a cuppa or maybe invite them to see a movie if they're free etc. Showing them that you still care and want to be around them could make them think about replying to you. Hope all works out

Brilliant post and kinda similar to another post above, but this is much more accurate.. Really good post.
I'm well impressed with the catch up over a cuppa.. And not alcohol.

dixiefly

bertsmom wrote: »

Well I don't think anyone else can judge somebody else's level of 'busyness'! It actually doesn't sound like ye are that close friends so you have no idea just because he isn't in a relationship or have kids or drink does not mean he not busy.
Frankly from your last post if that's how you view it he might be better off. I don't have kids and rarely drink I don't think it makes me any less busy than my married friends with kids.
I am busy with other things and frankly if I felt like my friends didn't place any value on my time just because I wasn't running around after kids or planning drinks out every second weekend I'd gladly let that friendship drift into oblivion and be happy to cut contact.

I think that's a tad unfair. The OP was trying to make an assessment as to why the ex friend had not bothered much with the relationship. It is perfectly understandable that he would ponder as to what other things could be getting in the way. Of course this ex friend could be mad busy with helping parents or a new relationship or hobby but you would imagine that they would at least contact and say so.

LegacyUser

OP here...thought I'd pop back
5 more months on..I've heard zip from him..still annoys me at times.

Here's the thing..I'm getting married later in the year...small wedding..
I'm adamant I'm not contacting him to invite him despite my partner thinking maybe I should...

Friends eh?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here again.

5 months more on I've heard zip from him.
Here's the thing..I'm getting married later in the year and don't intend inviting him...obviously I guess.
My partner thinks maybe I should send him an invite .. but at this stage I'm just too annoyed with whole thing to bother.
Thoughts?

Airyfairy12

Whereshegone wrote: »

Hi OP here again.

5 months more on I've heard zip from him.
Here's the thing..I'm getting married later in the year and don't intend inviting him...obviously I guess.
My partner thinks maybe I should send him an invite .. but at this stage I'm just too annoyed with whole thing to bother.
Thoughts?

I wouldnt send an invite if it where me. You dont need anyone who doesnt need you. Its been 5 months now, time to move on and stop thinking about this person. Youre getting married and have other things to focus on, why are you still letting this person occupy your thoughts?

Flippyfloppy

''Few months ago.. contact stopped..i messaged.. rang..messaged..nothing. messages read with no response'

Hi OP. I was going to say inviting him to your wedding is maybe the olive branch needed in your situation, then I read your op again, and this part really stood out.

There's obviously something more at play. Just asking is your relationship with your fiance a relatively new one? Could it have coincided with the reduced contact?

valoren

While others say to leave him be, he could be depressed, what is frustrating is that in an age of instant communication he can't reply to any of your messages. A little feedback I'm sure would be appreciated instead of this immature ghosting by radio silence. It's also disrespectful. You obviously have a bond with him after 20 years and he can't bother his arse to reply. It's not as if it's the 1980's and he lives remotely and actually needs to drive or cycle to say a TELEFÓN box to catch up.

As for the wedding, all I would do is send the below text. Getting married is a major life event for you and if he doesn't reply take it as a given he has cut ties, don't send any invite and move on.

"Hey, c'mere long time no hear, and c'mere again, myself and ** are getting married in October. Would be great to have you and ** there to celebrate. Any interest? Be great to catch up anytime your free"

bertsmom

Would you not just move on and leave this alone. It sounds like it's settled in that ye have just drifted apart. You have a fabulous event coming up and your life must be in a good place with getting married etc.
If you have a small wedding I don't know why you would consider even inviting someone you aren't in contact with anymore!
I don't see your dilemma tbh I think you are just over thinking what is the past.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and move on.

lazygal

I invited a 'friend' to my wedding despite having reservations prior to it which were similar to yours OP. I wish I hadn't bothered. They turned up late to the ceremony and irritated me on the day with a few remarks. I wish I'd just accepted the friendship had run its course by the time I was getting married and left them out of the wedding altogether. I never see or hear from them any more and have no interest in them.

dellas1979

I dunno OP. They obviously were meaningful to you at one stage of your life.

If you send the invite, you cant have any expectation that he will reply/show up etc. None.

At worst, you'll waste a postage stamp and it would even bring some closure maybe. At best, he will accept invitation and show up.

I think you'd do a good thing (even if he doesnt accept) for an old friendship.

martin101

OP im in the same situation. Theres one friend of mine who I noticed that I was always getting in touch with first. Fair enough he always answered or whatever if I rang or text but it was always me making first contact. Said I'd leave it a while and guess what heard nothing. Bumped into him then and said how come I haven't heard from you and his answer was I don't get in touch with people, people get in touch with me. so I left it at that. With the wedding thing I wouldn't bother. As a previous poster said they did the same, well I did too. I invited a few from work who are so called friends and wished I'd never of bothered. Nothing was right for them on the day and they made things difficult. Where the people who are very close to me who where there loved the wedding for what it was and enjoyed the day, and if they didn't enjoy it I was none the wiser as they didn't show it.