Am I His Mistress

LegacyUser

Gone anon for this

So, I have been friends with a married man for a number of years now. We are both in our early 30s. I am single. He has a family. Over the years he has been very kind to me, and in turn I have provided company for him. We are so similar in our beliefs and interests and sense of humour it is actually quite uncanny. I rarely meet people who get me like he does. In recent months we have been meeting more often, and I know I am falling for him and I don't believe he has done anything to discourage these emerging feelings I am having. In fact, quite the opposite. I can't believe I am now in this position but that's where I'm at. It goes against every principle I try to live by.

I don't know when I began to seem him in this light. I don't know if he wants this, but all the signs suggest he feels something other than friendship for me too. When I am around him the energy between us has become almost electric, but perhaps this is completely one-sided too - though my guess is that he enjoys the fantasy even if he would never act on it. I am not exactly a secret either. He spends a lot of time with me. His wife is well aware of our friendship but either doesn't care anymore or is just very, very trusting. He tells me in private that they don't really love each other anymore, among other things he tells me about their unhappy marriage. And I am left to wonder aren't these just the cliche things married men say when they are laying the groundwork for an affair?

I have told him I am uncomfortable with him talking about his wife in this manner as I have to look her in the eye from time-to-time. But he sometimes does anyway, to which I say nothing and shrug it off without comment. There are also young kids involved; I am seen as something of an auntie figure to them at this stage and I feel such horrible guilt at the thought of ripping their parents apart, which at their young age is pretty much their whole world.

I have not been physically intimate with this man, but emotionally? that is another matter entirely. If what he says about his marriage is true, it would make sense that he looks elsewhere for intimacy - but that is still a huge if. I know there is also about 0.1% chance he would ever leave the comfort of the family home. And so I am left with the question: what am I to him? Am I just a friend he confides in, the way I would in a girlfriend of mine? Or have I become his mistress?

I know I am not the victim in this; I am probably the villain to many.

Big Bag of Chips

If you find yourself falling for a married man with young children you should back off. It's irrelevant what he wants, or how he sees you. And yes, he's a cliche. If he'll never leave his family then he will never be available to you. Your "friendship" might be out in the open but any relationship you'd have would be a secret. You couldn't tell family, friends, you couldn't plan weekends away, holidays, a future.

Do yourself a favour and remove yourself from a situation that will end up with you being the bad guy. Because if it comes to it he will hang you out to dry in order to save his own skin.

A cliché.

Ursus Horribilis

No, you're not his mistress in the strict sense of the word, because you've not had sex. But you are definitely in iffy territory here. The lines are becoming blurred and I think you know that it could very easily spill over into something physical. Then all bets are off and who knows what'll happen. You're most likely going to be the loser in all of it, regardless of what happens next.

What's also worth thing about here is what this is doing to you right now. You said you're single. Are you trying to meet someone or has your friendship with this man filled that vacuum? If you're in your early 30s and would like to have a family, now is the time to be redoubling your efforts. Are you doing any of this?

LegacyUser

You're on a slippery slope.
I'm not single, but still have a very strict rule about married men- on personal issues, absolutely no deep conversations, no private 1 on 1 discussions, no secret texts.
They can talk to anyone else- their wife, their mum, their sister, their female cousin, their elderly female neighbour, a nun.....but I refuse to blur boundaries,& create confusion or potentially an attraction. It's too risky& also highly disrespectful to our life partners.
Disengage yourself, you deserve to set the bar higher for yourself & your future!

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

What's also worth thing about here is what this is doing to you right now. You said you're single. Are you trying to meet someone or has your friendship with this man filled that vacuum? If you're in your early 30s and would like to have a family, now is the time to be redoubling your efforts. Are you doing any of this?

Yes, I know I'm not his mistress in the traditional sense - but emotionally I feel we have both crossed a line.

For reasons I'd rather not explain, I can't have children. I gave up on that long ago. But I am trying to meet new people and hopefully find a relationship with an unattached man, but that has proven fruitless for years. I have done all the meetups, the apps, the putting myself out there but have not met anyone. And this is certainly not what I wanted either. He came into my life quite unexpectedly. I would say he pursued a friendship more than I did. At the beginning I was very wary of a married man's intentions towards me, but the more we shared the more I grew comfortable around him - and then bang! This is where I find myself. I know I am lonely and he most certainly fills a vacuum. I don't know what he gets from me. He also tells me he has always had more female friends than male, and I do believe him when he says this. So I could be reading too much into his actions.

Again, he has not said or done anything explicit, only hints at things when he talks about an unhappy marriage and such. He has been exceptionally kind to me but I think maybe I need to step away for a while, at least, at this point. It's just really hard, as he is my best friend now. I have thought about confronting him - especially when he talks this way about his wife, but the closest I have gotten to disclosing my feelings for him has been when I told him how uncomfortable it made me for him to speak about his spouse so negatively. If I do confront him, I will probably lose him as a friend too.

Big Bag of Chips

But your friendship is now blurred. It's not purely a friendship. You, I imagine, are no longer relaxed and easy in his company as you should be if it was a purely platonic friendship. You are second guessing his actions and intentions. You are looking for hints and clues and are even unsure of whether or not there are any hints and clues.

I'm sure his wife isn't blissfully happy and ignorant to the strains in her marriage. Having small children is difficult. However, he seems to have loads of time to be off giving out about how difficult his life and relationship is. Diddums. He is showing her very little respect and maybe their problems aren't all down to her. He seems, from your impression of him, to be painting himself as a poor victim trapped in an unhappy marriage. Yet you say he'll never leave. He has choices. He has options. But he's choosing to stay together yet disrespect his marriage and his wife by giving out about her to you. What a catch, eh?!

Do yourself a favour and see this fella for what he is. Or, if he's really your best friend, maybe encourage him to spend a bit of time with his wife trying to sort out their problems.

eviltwin

He's playing you like a fiddle. He sought out a friendship with you? Mmmmmm sounds well dodgy and now he's launching into the script about his wife not understanding him.....how predictable.

This is not a friendship. This is a selfish man manipulating you and trying to recruit you to be his bit on the side. Tell him to eff off.

Jurgen Klopp

To be honest from what you've said you can't really claim he's a creep trying to start an affair.

Theyve been close for years and he still hasnt made any verbal or physical move towards the OP.

This honestly sounds like he could just view you as one of his best friend's hence sounding off about relationship troubles

But the problem here is you have feelings for him.

For your own mental well-being you need to distance your self from him or it will depress you eventually

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

But your friendship is now blurred. It's not purely a friendship. You, I imagine, are no longer relaxed and easy in his company as you should be if it was a purely platonic friendship. You are second guessing his actions and intentions. You are looking for hints and clues and are even unsure of whether or not there are any hints and clues.

I'm sure his wife isn't blissfully happy and ignorant to the strains in her marriage. Having small children is difficult. However, he seems to have loads of time to be off giving out about how difficult his life and relationship is. Diddums. He is showing her very little respect and maybe their problems aren't all down to her. He seems, from your impression of him, to be painting himself as a poor victim trapped in an unhappy marriage. Yet you say he'll never leave. He has choices. He has options. But he's choosing to stay together yet disrespect his marriage and his wife by giving out about her to you. What a catch, eh?!

Do yourself a favour and see this fella for what he is. Or, if he's really your best friend, maybe encourage him to spend a bit of time with his wife trying to sort out their problems.

Whatever his wife and he have been through, I have only heard his side of the story for that. But he certainly does not blame all of their marriage woes on her - either way I don't think he is a bad man. And he certainly doesn't have a lot of free time. Both parents work hard, and he actually does most the primary care for the kids (when he is not working). He also seems to go out of his way for the few friends he has (male or female) and maybe I have misinterpreted his actions on this account.

But I really appreciate everything you say in regards me backing off. You're right. I need to and I am trying. I recognise it has become unhealthy for me to be near him. My hope is to meet someone in the next while, but still remain friends with this guy. Regardless of a time when I can do that, right now: I know I need some time away from him.

LegacyUser

eviltwin wrote: »

He's playing you like a fiddle. He sought out a friendship with you? Mmmmmm sounds well dodgy and now he's launching into the script about his wife not understanding him.....how predictable.

This is not a friendship. This is a selfish man manipulating you and trying to recruit you to be his bit on the side. Tell him to eff off.

Problem is, I have enjoyed our friendship up to this point. It felt real to me. I don't know how I would be able to manage if I discovered everything was just one big ploy for him to get me into bed. I know him talking about marital problems with me is dodgy at best, but it's a small part of the interactions we have. Mostly we just chat **** to pass the time.

As said previously, I do plan on backing off now that I've developed these feelings - but I don't want to lose a friend too.

LegacyUser

Jurgen Klopp wrote: »

To be honest from what you've said you can't really claim he's a creep trying to start an affair.

Theyve been close for years and he still hasnt made any verbal or physical move towards the OP.

This honestly sounds like he could just view you as one of his best friend's hence sounding off about relationship troubles

But the problem here is you have feelings for him.

For your own mental well-being you need to distance your self from him or it will depress you eventually

I hope I haven't painted him as a total creep. I honestly cannot say what he gets from our friendship, other than someone to talk ****e with and the very occasional moan about life (which sadly, sometimes involves his marriage).

I told him not too long ago he was my best mate now... I was hoping to make it clear I had him squarely in the friendzone, I guess. His reaction seemed pretty laddish actually. Stupid joke, and we carried on chatting. He certainly hasn't done anything to initiate anything sexual.

I think you're right: my feelings are the problem. I plan to leave him alone for a few months. Try and focus on me. I have not closed myself down to the possibility of dating new men (where and if I can find any), in fact, it might just help stop me thinking about him so much. I have scheduled time with other friends, who I haven't seen in a while. Maybe it will do me good to talk to them about it. I suspect some of them already have concerns about my friendship with this man already - and now, maybe I am beginning to see why. My own fault, maybe.

downwesht

My advice would be not to be too hard on yourself.It is very easy to slip into a relationship, be it physical or not,and be in too deep before you realize it.We all like to be felt needed and have good chats with someone we like and trust.
You have doubts now and they are not unfounded.
Try to change your routine and your dependence on this man and distract yourself with other interests/people.
You seem to be a person who is open and amenable,you should have no bother meeting someone new with less baggage and complications!Good luck!

Hannibal_Smith

He's not your best friend. Best friends don't feel shady. If it was a female friend telling you all this you wouldn't develop feelings for them. You're doing the right thing telling him the way he talks about his wife to you is wrong. It is completely unacceptable. But if you think he is your best friend, you're hiding behind a title. A best friend does scenario does not lead to these questions. Go with your gut.

December2012

You have already lost him as a friend. He is now somebody that you are romantically interested in. So your friendship has already changed - don't use that as an excuse to continue as before!

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

He's not your best friend. Best friends don't feel shady. If it was a female friend telling you all this you wouldn't develop feelings for them. You're doing the right thing telling him the way he talks about his wife to you is wrong. It is completely unacceptable. But if you think he is your best friend, you're hiding behind a title. A best friend does scenario does not lead to these questions. Go with your gut.

I have had female friends talk about unhappy relationships in a very similar manner, and for the most part I am uncomfortable with that too as you always run the risk of saying something that they'll hold against you if and when they make up with their partner. Either way, I don't like being put in the position wherein people who you know are inevitably gonna go back to their partner speak ill of them and encourage my input on the matter. But you have a point, I am developing feelings for him that complicate this more than an ordinary friend. I am going to back off now. Try concentrate on something or someone else. And as long as these feeling persist I will avoid being around him.

I don't know... people on here keep saying he has not really been a friend to me all this time (before I started to feel like this), and this is a harder notion to accept. If I have been manipulated all this time, that would honestly hurt more than anything.

LegacyUser

downwesht wrote: »

My advice would be not to be too hard on yourself.It is very easy to slip into a relationship, be it physical or not,and be in too deep before you realize it.We all like to be felt needed and have good chats with someone we like and trust.
You have doubts now and they are not unfounded.
Try to change your routine and your dependence on this man and distract yourself with other interests/people.
You seem to be a person who is open and amenable,you should have no bother meeting someone new with less baggage and complications!Good luck!

Thank you. It is exactly as you describe. Before I knew it, I was having these feelings. I don't want to act on them - and so I am going to distant myself from him, change my routine.

As for finding someone else? Well, that has always been complicated, to say the least, but I am making every effort.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

You have already lost him as a friend. He is now somebody that you are romantically interested in. So your friendship has already changed - don't use that as an excuse to continue as before!

Maybe you're right. For now, at least, me attempting to continue being friends with him could only cause me more pain.

I do hope someday in the future, if I can find someone and forget these newly formed feelings I can reestablish a healthy friendship with him. But that remains to be seen.

I am quite upset about this right now, but it would hurt worse in the long run. I know that.

suicide_circus

You're about 4 glasses of wine with no dinner away from being his mistress and you know it.

This is only going one direction. Put a stop to it now and go and find someone single who can give you their full attention.

Hannibal_Smith

Mistristesse wrote: »

I have had female friends talk about unhappy relationships in a very similar manner, and for the most part I am uncomfortable with that too as you always run the risk of saying something that they'll hold against you if and when they make up with their partner. Either way, I don't like being put in the position wherein people who you know are inevitably gonna go back to their partner speak ill of them and encourage my input on the matter. But you have a point, I am developing feelings for him that complicate this more than an ordinary friend. I am going to back off now. Try concentrate on something or someone else. And as long as these feeling persist I will avoid being around him.

I don't know... people on here keep saying he has not really been a friend to me all this time (before I started to feel like this), and this is a harder notion to accept. If I have been manipulated all this time, that would honestly hurt more than anything.

I'm not saying he's manipulating you at all. He probably thinks very innocently he's confiding in a friend. There are people out there who are missing attention from their spouses and who seek what they are missing in a friend of the opposite sex which is entirely screwed up. But I'm not saying this is what your friend is doing. Only he can answer that.

The problem Is, you're feeling like a mistress, that's not right. When other friends confide in you, you don't walk away feeling like a surrogate partner, you walk away having listened to a friend. Worst case you might feel used if a friend makes a friendship all about them. Whereas Here, you are so unsure about the situation it has brought you to this thread. I always believe in gut instinct.

bucketybuck

You are standing on the tracks watching the train approach. You can either get off the tracks or wait until it hits you, its your choice.

You know full well where this ends, that one instance where you both make a "mistake". Are you then going to post a thread asking what to do next, what to do after having one too many and sleeping with your married best friend that you have feelings for?

wiggle16

OP, if this was a harmless friendship, or even a friendship with an extremely strong emotional connection but with no real intention or desire for anything further from either of you, then you would have never started this thread.

Don't get involved any further. It could all well be innocent on his part for all we know, but if so then you shouldn't come away from every conversation feeling the way you do. And if you have feelings for him then, even though you haven't done anything wrong, it's no longer just innocent and you are being unfair to yourself if you try to convince yourself it is.

I know myself it's very hard to put distance or walk away from a friend you have feelings for, but as time goes by, friendships like this quickly become an exercise in diminishing returns - you will get less and less from the friendship and want more from the emotional connection. And even if it continues and comes to its logical conclusion, he will not give up a wife, family and home he has likely put years into making, for you. It just never happens (and by the sounds of it, that's not what you want him to do either). I know that's cold but I think you know that already.

I think you need to call it a day and put distance between you - you probably won't be able to entertain the thoughts of going out with other guys, even if they are throwing themselves at you, while he is still on your mind.

Best of luck, and take care of yourself OP x

LegacyUser

suicide_circus wrote: »

You're about 4 glasses of wine with no dinner away from being his mistress and you know it.

Very colourful way of putting it.

suicide_circus wrote: »

This is only going one direction. Put a stop to it now and go and find someone single who can give you their full attention.

I am making every effort. I want that dinner.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I'm not saying he's manipulating you at all. He probably thinks very innocently he's confiding in a friend. There are people out there who are missing attention from their spouses and who seek what they are missing in a friend of the opposite sex which is entirely screwed up. But I'm not saying this is what your friend is doing. Only he can answer that.

The problem Is, you're feeling like a mistress, that's not right. When other friends confide in you, you don't walk away feeling like a surrogate partner, you walk away having listened to a friend. Worst case you might feel used if a friend makes a friendship all about them. Whereas Here, you are so unsure about the situation it has brought you to this thread. I always believe in gut instinct.

You're right I don't want to be a surrogate partner. I don't want to be a bit on the side. I started this thread to try and understand what he wants, I haven't really figured that out. But I've had the idea reinforced that I'm in a very unhealthy position and I need to get away from it.

LegacyUser

bucketybuck wrote: »

You are standing on the tracks watching the train approach. You can either get off the tracks or wait until it hits you, its your choice.

You know full well where this ends, that one instance where you both make a "mistake". Are you then going to post a thread asking what to do next, what to do after having one too many and sleeping with your married best friend that you have feelings for?

I'm gonna step off the track.

LegacyUser

wiggle16 wrote: »

OP, if this was a harmless friendship, or even a friendship with an extremely strong emotional connection but with no real intention or desire for anything further from either of you, then you would have never started this thread.

Don't get involved any further. It could all well be innocent on his part for all we know, but if so then you shouldn't come away from every conversation feeling the way you do. And if you have feelings for him then, even though you haven't done anything wrong, it's no longer just innocent and you are being unfair to yourself if you try to convince yourself it is.

I know myself it's very hard to put distance or walk away from a friend you have feelings for, but as time goes by, friendships like this quickly become an exercise in diminishing returns - you will get less and less from the friendship and want more from the emotional connection. And even if it continues and comes to its logical conclusion, he will not give up a wife, family and home he has likely put years into making, for you. It just never happens (and by the sounds of it, that's not what you want him to do either). I know that's cold but I think you know that already.

I think you need to call it a day and put distance between you - you probably won't be able to entertain the thoughts of going out with other guys, even if they are throwing themselves at you, while he is still on your mind.

Best of luck, and take care of yourself OP x

Thank you.

The diminishing returns thing has already happened, it is exactly as you describe. And I know there is no happy ever after here for me.

I have already begun distancing myself from him. Minor things, like not being responsive to texts. I don't know if he'll even notice at this stage, but for me it's a beginning.

I did some things to try to take my mind of him this evening as well. Went for a few drinks with my female friend. I'd like to say he was the furthest thing from my mind, but he wasn't. But he wasn't a constant either. I'll be happier when this feelings die away, I know that.

banoffe2

Well done OP. you have great awareness, not easy, but you are trying, the very best of luck to to you, and keep reaching out, you dont have to go through this alone XX

am i bovvered

Hi OP

You are doing the right thing.
I am not as convinced as other postings regarding the 'cynical' motives of the guy, although I suspect that he does not have the self control to see where you both will end up if the friendship goes any further.
He has a wife and young children, if they have problems, you are not the solution.

You seem like a great person, I wish you peace and happiness.

PrincessPoutyP

Chances are one of your real life confidantes has had a similar experience, you're already starting to shift your focus to other friendships it would be worth getting some advice and support from them because it's going to hurt a bit and there's no harm letting a friend know you're a bit down. Since you have such a good connection with him it's going to suck for a while, don't blame yourself for developing feelings it can be hard not to if you're single and spending a great deal of time talking to a particular person whom you're already emotionally connected to. If you find it hard to fill the gap I suggest doing the hard thing and spending time with him and his wife as a couple, it might help draw a line in the sand for you psychlogically. You could even tell him your friendship with him is being questioned and judged as inappropriate since it is (he doesn't need to know about this thread) and you'd hate for baseless gossip to hurt his wife if someone spiteful were to start stirring the sh1te. Have you researched micro-cheating? It's essentially emotional infidelity where someone other than your romantic partner becomes your default go to for support and banter. Some of the things people say are micro-cheating are nonsense, it's not a form of infidelity to have friends outside of the relationship and its not healthy for your partner to be your whole world but I think your friend is definitely a bit guilty of it. He's behaviour should leave you in 100% certainty it's a platonic friendship and nothing else, as the married man who made the vows the responsibility is his. I complain about my partner wrecking my head a bit to friends of all genders but I tend to keep it lighthearted small stuff rather than giving the impression I'm genuinely unhappy with him and I follow it up generally with a few positives about him because if he heard I was complaining a lot he'd be hurt. And if what he says has you feeling uncomfortable looking her in the eye he's being unacceptable. If they have young kids and are married and planned on spending the rest of their lives together it's highly unlikely he's going to go through very long divorce proceedings and possibly lose parental rights because he was to blame for the marriage dissolving with an affair. If he complains again to you again in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable say it, you said it once and he's ignored that boundary too which isn't a good sign as he's disrespecting you and his wife at the same time so feel free to get snappy at him. I say all this because I hope you can go back to a healthy friendship with him as having to cut someone out of your life is crap but it will only be healthy if you both work to maintain it as one.

Big Bag of Chips

PrincessPoutyP, Welcome to Personal Issues. You have posted quite a lot in the last few hours, but mostly you are posting on threads that are not current in the Forum. Personal Issues is heavily moderated due to the sensitive nature of a lot of the threads here, and we don't really like posters bringing back up old threads as the OP may have moved on and not wish to reopen discussion on their topic again.

Have a read of the Forum Charter stickied at the top of the Forum to see what the rules are here.