Alcoholic brother

HH7

Hi. I’m just looking for a bit of advice. I have a brother who has all his life been addicted to substances.
Past 10 years has been heavy drinking. My mam passed away last year and my brother went to residential rehab for his drinking. He has left them 3 times and went on benders. Always ending back at my door. ( I own the Family Home)

I have other siblings but they don’t seem to care. They have their own families.
I’m just home from a trip to France to find my brother has been drunk in the house and stayin her the 4 days I was away. He’s messed up his residential yet again and has no where else. But I feel I can’t do it anymore. I’m throwin him out today but feel awful.
If I don’t do it I will never be free of him. I worry about my house when I’m not there, as to what state he has it in. It’s just so unfair.

doolox

Do you own the house outright or have you other siblings got a stake in it?

Do you have other family members living with you? Partner, Husband children etc?

You need to get advice and input from you other siblings and there needs to be unity in any decision you come to. The need for this is less if you own the house outright.

Alcoholics will not change their ways until all other avenues for survival are closed off to them. This may mean denying access to your house if it is yours to do that with and nobody else has a share in it. It means getting support and buy in from your other siblings so that you get their support in kicking your brother out of your house if this is possible to do.

Boards.ie: Mark

Hi HH7, welcome to Boards. Moving this over to Personal Issues where people may be better able to offer advice/support.

Ragnar Lothbrok

Please try not to feel guilty about the decision you have taken, although admittedly that's far easier said than done. Your brother has abused your relationship and taken advantage of your good nature for too long now.

People with addictions do need help and support, but you should not be the only one to carry this burden, particularly at the expense of your own well-being. Like many addicts, your brother seems to be in the position that he is quite content to bring pressure on a family member, probably using emotional blackmail to convince you that you should be there for him constantly, and provide food and shelter for him, regardless of the harm this is causing you.

I experienced similar problems many years ago, and know only too well the damage that alcoholism can cause to the family of the addicted person. I would strongly suggest that you contact Al-Anon, who offer help to family members affected by alcoholism. I wish I had done so when I needed help.

Best wishes for the future, for both you and your brother.

johnayo

Unfair doesn't even come close to describing what you are going through. Had a similar situation with a family member who spent years going to rehab, only to break out immediately after coming out. He passed away recently without getting to his 60th birthday. What a waste of a life.
Unfortunately you will carry the guilt for any action you take but ultimately he is responsible for his own life.
If there was one thing we learned about our situation it was that the no matter what we did or how hard we tried, we couldn't change the course of his life.
Please take care of yourself.

HH7

doolox wrote: »

Do you own the house outright or have you other siblings got a stake in it?

Do you have other family members living with you? Partner, Husband children etc?

You need to get advice and input from you other siblings and there needs to be unity in any decision you come to. The need for this is less if you own the house outright.

Alcoholics will not change their ways until all other avenues for survival are closed off to them. This may mean denying access to your house if it is yours to do that with and nobody else has a share in it. It means getting support and buy in from your other siblings so that you get their support in kicking your brother out of your house if this is possible to do.

Yes I own the house outright and I live alone. I just feel I can’t win whatever I do and I need to make a strong decision now or this wil always be my life.

HH7

johnayo wrote: »

Unfair doesn't even come close to describing what you are going through. Had a similar situation with a family member who spent years going to rehab, only to break out immediately after coming out. He passed away recently without getting to his 60th birthday. What a waste of a life.
Unfortunately you will carry the guilt for any action you take but ultimately he is responsible for his own life.
If there was one thing we learned about our situation it was that the no matter what we did or how hard we tried, we couldn't change the course of his life.
Please take care of yourself.

Thanks for the kind words. I’m just feeling lost. It’s like whatever I do I’d wrong. It’s affexting my own health and I’m takin it out on others when I’m angry or hurt.

HH7

Ragnar Lothbrok wrote: »

Please try not to feel guilty about the decision you have taken, although admittedly that's far easier said than done. Your brother has abused your relationship and taken advantage of your good nature for too long now.

People with addictions do need help and support, but you should not be the only one to carry this burden, particularly at the expense of your own well-being. Like many addicts, your brother seems to be in the position that he is quite content to bring pressure on a family member, probably using emotional blackmail to convince you that you should be there for him constantly, and provide food and shelter for him, regardless of the harm this is causing you.

I experienced similar problems many years ago, and know only too well the damage that alcoholism can cause to the family of the addicted person. I would strongly suggest that you contact Al-Anon, who offer help to family members affected by alcoholism. I wish I had done so when I needed help.

Best wishes for the future, for both you and your brother.

He’s had so many chances. And he gave my mam a terrible hard life as she battled with cancer but mam would never throw him out. I can’t live this way with him. He’s not my father or husband ye know.
Thanks for your reply

johnayo

HH7 wrote: »

Thanks for the kind words. I’m just feeling lost. It’s like whatever I do I’d wrong. It’s affexting my own health and I’m takin it out on others when I’m angry or hurt.

You must not let this destroy you. Consider speaking with a councillor or as suggested earlier, attend Al Anon. You need to get the tools to deal with this.
You at least need someone to confide in. Try not to keep this to yourself.
Take good care.

pwurple

You're right I think. Otherwise you're just enabling it really. It's hard to do though, that's for sure.
Addiction is hard going, there's nothing more you can do for him it sounds like. He has to want it himself.

kerryjack

For your own safety get a baring order against him, he is not your responsibility, don't feel sorry for him his an adult, he has made that decision to destroy his own life he destroyed your mothers life don't let him destroy your life.

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MissShihTzu

Gosh, what an awful situation. There's no nice and neat answer for you. But I will add my tuppence worth in the hope it helps. You need to dish out tough love, I'm afraid.

First and foremost,you will need to change the locks if you do not want your brother in your house whilst you're away. Get a barring order if need be, and get an alarm that will alert the Gards if he tries to break in when you're not there. You are entitled to feel safe in your home and able to leave it if need be without him breaking in and helping himself to your stuff. You need to make it plain to him, that if he is serious about having a relationship with you and your family, then he has to be serious about getting help. You're his sibling, not his keeper.

I also think the suggestion of going to Al-anon meetings is a great one. It would be beneficial for you to talk to and get support from other people in the same situation.

Hope this helps and good luck! I have a feeling you're going to need it...

HH7

Hi all thanks so much for the support. Makes me feel I’m doin the right thing although the guilt of him with no where to go and the weather not great is gettin to me badly.

He had a key to the house as I have my mams dog and he would walk her when he was in rehab and doin well. It gave him something to do most days when I am in work . I’ve taken the key off him.
He returned drunk yesterday an hour after he went but I got rid of him. He then came back at 1am last night and knocked on the door and shouted in letter box all night.

He just doesn’t get it. It’s like the house is a magnet for him. My siblings have said they I may need to consider sellin up in order to free myself from him.
He has no friends so just walks the streets drinking. I told him to get a hostel but he bought vodka instead.
If I let him in I’m just going around in circles. I need to stick to my decision. I just feel it will ultimately end badly and I will blame myself.

Big Bag of Chips

You enable him and care for him and mind him. He has/had a place to go, and you gave him a bit of purpose with walking the dog. You didn't do any of this because you don't care for him. You did all this because you DO care. Unfortunately caring for him isn't helping him. Al-Anon is a very good place for you to start. It will be a place where you meet other people dealing with exactly the same struggles you are. The exact same internal conflicts. You can't get your brother to change. You can't beg, plead, reason, negotiate, convince, support. You are helpless to helping him. That is not your fault. The fact that you live in the family home makes it more difficult because that is "his home". In his mind. That's where he grew up. That's where you've accommodated him.

I can't imagine how difficult this is for you which is why you need your own support from somewhere. Start with Al-Anon.

Sephiroth_dude

I really feel for you o.p, its heart breaking, I have an older sibling who is an alcoholic for years, he lived at home here with us but my mam got sick from the stress of trying to deal with him (had a TIA in May) and he was told to go or get help that he wasn't drinking here anymore he got help but relapsed after he was released and went back into care and bar one slip up that we know of at Christmas he's been sober I think but every time he comes out and even when he's not here I can't help but worry is he drinking, it nearly tore me apart at Christmas as I was very upset after he relapsed and was paranoid .

You did the right thing in throwing him out if anything happens him its on him not you.

HH7

Sephiroth_dude wrote: »

I really feel for you o.p, its heart breaking, I have an older sibling who is an alcoholic for years, he lived at home here with us but my mam got sick from the stress of trying to deal with him (had a TIA in May) and he was told to go or get help that he wasn't drinking here anymore he got help but relapsed after he was released and went back into care and bar one slip up that we know of at Christmas he's been sober I think but every time he comes out and even when he's not here I can't help but worry is he drinking, it nearly tore me apart at Christmas as I was very upset after he relapsed and was paranoid .

You did the right thing in throwing him out if anything happens him its on him not you.[/quote

My mam battles with cancer for years and he made her life so much harder than it had to be. When she passed he went into rehab and has messed it up 3 times. I took him back twice but I can’t trust him and it’s so unfair that I have to live like he’s my child ye know. He’s 40 years of age.

It all boils down to the house. He’s obsessed with coming back here all the time.
He was offer other accomadations but won’t leave the area that the Home is in. My other siblings live 20mins away but he won’t go near them.

Ursus Horribilis

It's understandable that he's obsessed with coming back "home". Like many of us, he still has an emotional attachment to his childhood home. Even if one's parents are gone and there's a sibling living in the house, it's still home. The lines get blurred here. It's your house but it's not your house if you know what I mean.

More importantly, home has always been his fallback option. The one place he can always get a bed in, no matter what he does. That's enabling him, I'm afraid. It's where he has always been able to go to when he quits rehab and has held him back from fully buying into the program. If you're happy in your current home, having to sell up and move is a high price to pay. I'm afraid your brother is going to have to learn the hard way that there is no room at the inn. It's going to mean more nights with him shouting in the letterbox at you and putting up with his anger and threats and pleading. The sad thing about alcoholics is that they have to want to get better. For many of them, they have to hit rock bottom first.

You're not being selfish and you're not a bad person for doing what you've done. I can't even begin to understand what it must be like to have an alcoholic in the family. Anything I've ever read and heard about it sounds absolutely horrendous. As you've learned, even your mum having cancer didn't make him change his ways. He has been given so many chances and he has thrown them back in your faces. You've got to the stage where you need to put yourself first. He's dragging you down as things stand and someone has to call a halt to this.

HH7

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

It's understandable that he's obsessed with coming back "home". Like many of us, he still has an emotional attachment to his childhood home. Even if one's parents are gone and there's a sibling living in the house, it's still home. The lines get blurred here. It's your house but it's not your house if you know what I mean.

More importantly, home has always been his fallback option. The one place he can always get a bed in, no matter what he does. That's enabling him, I'm afraid. It's where he has always been able to go to when he quits rehab and has held him back from fully buying into the program. If you're happy in your current home, having to sell up and move is a high price to pay. I'm afraid your brother is going to have to learn the hard way that there is no room at the inn. It's going to mean more nights with him shouting in the letterbox at you and putting up with his anger and threats and pleading. The sad thing about alcoholics is that they have to want to get better. For many of them, they have to hit rock bottom first.

You're not being selfish and you're not a bad person for doing what you've done. I can't even begin to understand what it must be like to have an alcoholic in the family. Anything I've ever read and heard about it sounds absolutely horrendous. As you've learned, even your mum having cancer didn't make him change his ways. He has been given so many chances and he has thrown them back in your faces. You've got to the stage where you need to put yourself first. He's dragging you down as things stand and someone has to call a halt to this.

Thanks so much for your reply. Your words have really sunk in and explained the situation very well. I think if he had friends to go to I wouldn’t feel half as bad. Hate the thoughts of him on the streets. But I can’t live with him and he never changes. He has been sober and detoxed twice in 8 months and chooses to go back drinking. All sneaking around. I had told him that if he feels it’s gettin to him to come up to me and talk. I’ve told him we can’t leave together it doesn’t work but I know he stil thinks he can always stay here

Ghekko

The next time he makes a racket at the door call the guards. You are being harassed. It's tough love, but needs must. He needs to get it through to him that it is no longer his home. There is only so much you can do for him and at this point you have done everything, so you need to take a step back and mind yourself. Your siblings have done this already by the sounds of it and I'm sure they're not losing any sleep over him. It might be good to get together with siblings and say that you are no longer able for the crap you've had to deal with. Maybe together ye could make one last attempt at encouraging your brother to go back to rehab. But even if he doesn't you have to step away. He is not your responsibility and even if he ends up in a grave there is little you or anyone can do to help him while he is unwilling to help himself. I agree with suggestions re Al Anon. Or contact the Rise Foundation if near Dublin.

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WIZWEB

OP I've seen the destruction this illness causes in many families. Including two uncles of my own and some friends. Recently a brother who would get violent on excessive drinking.

I enabled an alcoholic partner for eight years. I eventually left the partner after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Like you extended family members in my case on both sides ignored the alcoholism and associated dramas while I acted as caretaker. There were piecemeal attempts at therapy but always excuses to go drinking again. Eventually I copped on with both the former partner and brother with THEIR issues. I ended the relationship with the ex and they found another enabler (who has since become an alcoholic) yet the ex thankfully is now off drink a year! Though I can't evidence this (not my problem and never should have been) as they are in another country. Eventually it was the damage to their health that woke them up.

I'd assume the recent death of your mother is guilting you into being extra tolerant of this drama and you living in the family home. That needs to stop. Your brother is an adult.

In my brothers case he refused to take responsibility for his actions. He was still living with my 70 year old father so I wasn't tolerating this behaviour. I 'demanded' a family gathering (intervention) with most siblings and this brother involved. Though they managed to minimize their engagement. This was after my father and I agreed to make the brother homeless during the summer as a wake up call. We ensured all siblings agreed to this in his presence to see the enormity. After a week of this I took him in for two (sober) days. He'd always intended to guilt my father into allowing his return. Worked in the past!! However I lectured him about all this during his stay. Introduced him to adult responsibilities like cooking and cleaning up for himself. He's 40 ffs! I played music he hated and watched movies he'd no interest in. I even inflicted a curfew and early morning exit while I was off to work. I made it crystal clear that during those two days his priority was to find accommodation or he was back out on the streets. I strongly hinted at another distant brother who he thankfully got on better with than me. I suggested even a few days respite or it would be hostels or streets again. Months later he's still living there in the other brothers adulting. I even invited him to mine for Xmas. We get on much better than ever now. We were lucky but addicts can and do get their cr*p together when we stop enabling their madness.