Seeking advice on a relationship with addiction issues

Ber116

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over two years.  He has an addiction to cocaine, which I would be willing to stand by him and support him through overcoming, however he lies about it all the time.  I understand very well that the lies are a piece of the addiction.  When we discuss things, he expresses a desire to change, to leave the coke behind, however his actions show the exact opposite.  There have been many times in our relationship where he has claimed to be clean and it has turned out to be a lie. I should point out that when I say he hasn't been clean, I am talking about using a handful of times in a few months, usually when I am away for work or visiting family.  He is not at the point of his addiction where he is using all the time. The last time that I know that he has used was December 8th. The issue I have now, is that as he is "doing well" I have so little trust that every time he walks out the door or I leave for more than a couple hours I am worried about what he is doing, there is just no trust left. I do also want to say that when he is clean and we are together, he is amazing and loving and kind and is wonderful with my two children.  I have no concerns about him using around the kids or putting them at risk in anyway. 
I guess my question is this....Logically, I look at our relationship and all the lies and the hurts and I can say that it would be a smart choice to leave him, however, I just can't seem to get my heart on board. The truth is I love him, and I see so much potential to have an amazing life together that I don't want to walk away.  How do I get my heart on board with my head, or is it worth it to try to get my head on board with my heart? Opinions anyone?

s7ryf3925pivug

If there's no trust then the relationship is fundamentally broken.

uck51js9zml2yt

Do him (and yourself) a favour and stop enabling his habit.
The best thing you could do is walk away.

WIZWEB

I've highlighted one solution below based upon my own experiences of enabling an alcoholic for eight years and afterwards a drug user (Coke etc) for four years (Yeah I thought or maybe taught myself to be the ultimate caretaker/enabler!). The joys of being a codependent now thankfully addressed.

You need to threaten him that you will leave unless he seeks appropriate and 'evidenced' professional help. If he neither engages with these services or stops participating in them then you and the kids must leave. This is for everyone's benefit including your partner. The addict may not think so at the time but ultimately them weighing up which will be the bigger loss you or the drug causes them to prioritize. The drug is sometimes the winner in such cases. There are often relapses with addictions but manageable by maintaining strong boundaries and service support. However this drug will win for sure if you stay. This may escalate as an addiction to Cocaine expands into promiscuous, violent, health, financial or other issues.

Not every drug user is an addict but you've evidenced that he has a serious problem that he's not addressing based upon your own discoveries. The ones that you are aware of that is. Remember he is a proven liar so there may be a lot more going on that you're actively made unaware of. I'm speculating but I'd be surprised if the Xmas holidays/NYE passed totally without a bit of sniff onboard. Your rightful disapproval and there being children involved in this should be enough for him to finally address this issue before it really gets out of hand. If not then leave.

Edit: Just to add the lies are not "a piece of the addiction". Remember they are a choice consciously and deliberately made by him even when not under the influence.

LolaJJ

Ex addict here, recovered 8 years.... Although it wasn't substance abuse.


The thing is, and you may need to repeat this to yourself over and over.

Recovery doesn't happen without pain and loss. Something needs to happen to this guy to make him face up to the reality of his addiction. As long as there are no real or lasting consequences this behavior will contintue.

Addicts are sick, the disease makes them selfish, self-focused, horrible, lying people. Yes, underneath is the actual person who is suffering from the illness but as long as the addiction is around they will manipulate you to get whatever they want. In general, addicts have perfected the art of lying, manipulating and using people, even people they do truly care about.

And they hate themselves for it - and the supporter (enabler) chooses naively to empathize with the remorseful part of the addict because it's easier as caring people to do that. You will never relate to the addictive personality because you haven't been there.

If you genuinely want to help him, leave him or kick him out. Tell him you've done all you can but he's on his own now. it might feel horrible - but it's the greatest gift you could possibly give him.

If he goes on to embrace a true and full recovery he will thank you.

.......

This post has been deleted.

Bambi985

I found your post really upsetting because I've been there and I understand your pain so well. You feel so betrayed by him on the one hand for not being able to be strong/adult enough to just QUIT, for the love of god. But on the other hand you know he is suffering and your heart is breaking for the pain he is in. You don't want to "abandon" him because how could you? But how can you stay?

I don't really have much advice but only to say that I left, and it was hard, and is still hard, and I've had some really dark days in his absence but never as dark and lonely as the ones I had with him. He was the light of my life but he was also the source of so much pain and worry for my future. Now, my future is my own and I don't have to kiss any future plans or dreams goodbye because my partner prioritises living life in a drunken daze over everything else.

My nature is to take care of people, and in the end my relationship was about taking care of him without any due respect or concern for my own wellbeing. And I was a mess. And there was only one of me - this guy is playing with the lives of three people, you and your children, all of your stability and happiness is in his hands.

Please read LolaJJ's post over and over, read it until it really hits home and you fully understand what you need to do here to do right by yourself and your family. I wish you the very best.

metamorphosis

As someone who left a 2.5 year relationship with an addict ..... just remember that you can never change him. Only he can. As long as there are no real consequences, you are enabling his addiction. Co-dependency and addiction go hand in hand. Are you codependent with this relationship?

The best option for him and YOU may be to walk away. You are powerless over him.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

Hi Op,

I can understand the situation both you and your partner is in. Try and believe me when I say this, there is nothing you can do to ever change him, it is impossible. You can make every threat in the world. Cocaine has an amazing way of destroying lives unbeknownst to the user, any addiction in fact but especially Cocaine.

He will promise you the world, as I did, and he will thoroughly mean it, as I did. But one thought is all it takes and he will be back again, as I was.

It took more than human intervention to help me recover.

I wish you all the best, what ever your chose, just realise it is not your fault.

MrJones1973

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Hi Op,

I can understand the situation both you and your partner is in. Try and believe me when I say this, there is nothing you can do to ever change him, it is impossible. You can make every threat in the world. Cocaine has an amazing way of destroying lives unbeknownst to the user, any addiction in fact but especially Cocaine.

He will promise you the world, as I did, and he will thoroughly mean it, as I did. But one thought is all it takes and he will be back again, as I was.

It took more than human intervention to help me recover.

I wish you all the best, what ever your chose, just realise it is not your fault.

Im not sure what your advice is here? I would think that the best way forward is for him to get counselling and insist on it. Insist he continues with it as other posters have advised. You say it took more than human intervention? Do you mean God? Look whatever works for people works for them.
Could you clarify your advice please?

Big Bag of Chips

From knowing addicts I would assume "it took more than human intervention" meant it took more than just his family/friends asking him to change. As in "rock bottom" that people talk about. Could be an accident, a health scare, a run in with the law anything.

I think the advice given there was spot on, OP, and if you've lived with an addict in your life you will get every word of it.

You can't make anyone do anything. You can't force an adult to go to counselling. You can't force an adult to stay sober. Many people stay with addicts for far too long believing they can either fix them, or that they will magically stop what they're doing someday. They might stop someday... But it will only be after things have gotten unbearable. And unfortunately, things become unbearable for those around the addict, long before the addict sees any problem.

NinetyTwoTeam

The percentage of addicts who completely recover is low enough, even for those who have done rehab or are in NA/AA or counseling.

And he hasn't even done any of that. He isn't going to stop any time soon. Most don't stop until they hit rock bottom and even then most live out a perpetual cycle of relapses.

Is that what you want your kids to grow up around? Once they figure it out, it's going to severely damage them and how they view you as well.

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA

MrJones1973 wrote: »

Im not sure what your advice is here? I would think that the best way forward is for him to get counselling and insist on it. Insist he continues with it as other posters have advised. You say it took more than human intervention? Do you mean God? Look whatever works for people works for them.
Could you clarify your advice please?

Apologies for the ambiguous post, to clarify, my advice to the OP is to do absolutely nothing for him, and to take care of herself and her kids. You will never change him and the OPS heart will break more and more each time.

He is a classic cocaine addict, I could have written the script myself. When I mentioned I needed more than human intervention, I meant that people are good to help, but that is not enough, I needed to be completely beaten internally and desperate before any change could occur. I am not talking about outside stuff, like a job or relationship, I am talking about within.

Social Acceptability does not equal recovery.

Best of luck OP

MrJones1973

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

Apologies for the ambiguous post, to clarify, my advice to the OP is to do absolutely nothing for him, and to take care of herself and her kids. You will never change him and the OPS heart will break more and more each time.

He is a classic cocaine addict, I could have written the script myself. When I mentioned I needed more than human intervention, I meant that people are good to help, but that is not enough, I needed to be completely beaten internally and desperate before any change could occur. I am not talking about outside stuff, like a job or relationship, I am talking about within.

Social Acceptability does not equal recovery.

Best of luck OP

Thats clearer but I would still with great respect disagree with you. I have experience with dealing with some addicts. Im not a counselor. You are right that the person needs to wake up and realise the **** they are in but I dont think distancing yourself from him will help him unless its in the form of an ultimatum -ie give this up or give up me.
I would at least push him towards counselling and make it clear if he doesnt go you will end the relationship
In my experience cutting ties can lead an addict into worse addiction.
I know a few cocaine addicts who with the help of their family gave it up. I would be cautious about projecting personal recovery stories onto others. Parameters are fine -simply cutting ties is not a help.
Each path is different. Yes relapse is probable but it is a journey and I would not write him off as some posters based on no statistical evidence are encouraging you to do.
At least try the ultimatum about counselling and insist he proves he has gone.

LolaJJ

I'm a recovered drug user, AMA wrote: »

I needed to be completely beaten internally and desperate before any change could occur. I am not talking about outside stuff, like a job or relationship, I am talking about within.

^^ This ^^

Having also been through a tough recovery I'll echo this sentiment.

We (addicts) can convince anyone, including ourselves that we want to change so badly and all we need is that unwavering support we keep throwing back in your face.

Ultimately the unwavering support allows us to stay in our addiction despite the hurt and damage we are causing to ourselves and you.

It's when that support gets fed up, leaves, jobs fall apart, bills go unpaid, and life becomes completely meaningless....that's when logic starts to overpower addiction but it can only come from within the addict when they fall so deep down their hole of self-destruction they are forced to fix it.

MrJones1973

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

The percentage of addicts who completely recover is low enough, even for those who have done rehab or are in NA/AA or counseling.

And he hasn't even done any of that. He isn't going to stop any time soon. Most don't stop until they hit rock bottom and even then most live out a perpetual cycle of relapses.

Is that what you want your kids to grow up around? Once they figure it out, it's going to severely damage them and how they view you as well.

This is ott. Yes most addicts relapse the first few times but a lot will eventually succeed. The recovery models you outline perhaps are the problem. Their models are flawed and based on avoidance rather than looking towards what better life an addict might have without addiction.
I know a lot of functioning addicts who are better human beings than so called non addicts .
Look at dr peele for credible evidence based alternatives
There are no easy solutions but im aghast how quick a poster can be to judge somebody they never met ?
Let the guy try counselling. And avoid the equivalent of modern sadducces or pop psychologists.

MrJones1973

LolaJJ wrote: »

^^ This ^^

Having also been through a tough recovery I'll echo this sentiment.

We (addicts) can convince anyone, including ourselves that we want to change so badly and all we need is that unwavering support we keep throwing back in your face.

Ultimately the unwavering support allows us to stay in our addiction despite the hurt and damage we are causing to ourselves and you.

It's when that support gets fed up, leaves, jobs fall apart, bills go unpaid, and life becomes completely meaningless....that's when logic starts to overpower addiction but it can only come from within the addict when they fall so deep down their hole of self-destruction they are forced to fix it.

Good point. A threat is needed not unwavering support. I dont think the op is suggesting she unwaveringly support him

Ber116

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all your thoughts and opinions, they were very eye opening.  I have heard people say "doctors don't have themselves for patients" before, but these posts have driven that point home for me.  I am a counsellor, I make my living helping people with mental health and addictions issues and I am good at it. Yet somehow, it never occurred to me that I was enabling his habit by not leaving. I had thought that I was helping him, because I have seen such a drastic reduction in his use.  I understand, as one poster pointed out, that I likely don't have all the information about how much he uses, but I feel like I do have a decent estimation...I recognize the signs and can tell when he is under the influence, that being said, we are not together 100% of the time, so of course there is room for him to lie.
In the time we have been together he has gone from using 3-4 times per week (I should point out that when we started dating we lived in different towns and it was easy for him to hide his use, I was not aware of the extent of his problem until I was already emotionally invested) to using maybe once per month. He argues that this control means it is not an addiction, I argue that his inability to stop despite knowing that it could cost him our relationship means it does.  We fight every time I find out he has used. I have ended things a handful of times, but always end up missing him and choosing to believe his promises that it will be different. He has gone to counselling a couple of times, however I believe this is only as a means to appease me, he also was going to meetings for a stretch of time and was quite successful. 
I love him. I want him to be healthy. I know what needs to be done, I do. I just don't want to do it.  I guess I was hoping to hear someone tell me that I am doing right by him by sticking by him.  It's funny, for all the time he hurt me, it took someone pointing out that I was hurting him, to make me realize I need to leave.

laserlad2010

Ber116 wrote: »

It's funny, for all the time he hurt me, it took someone pointing out that I was hurting him, to make me realize I need to leave.

This is bizarre. He's a drug addict. He's let you down and hurt you so many times. What could possibly possess you to declare that you love him? What's missing in yourself that you feel the need to keep this broken person in your life so he can hurt you again?

And with kids in the mix - I'd expect more sense from a parent.

The above sentence is off the walls, I mean, do you actually believe it?

WIZWEB

Ber116 wrote: »

I am a counsellor, I make my living helping people with mental health and addictions issues and I am good at it. Yet somehow, it never occurred to me that I was enabling his habit by not leaving....

Don't eat yourself up about this. Like yourself I'm a professional in a related area who has worked with similar client groups. While working on obtaining my specific qualification I managed to minimise the fact that I was enabling an alcoholic partner for years. I eventually left them just before qualifying. However a few years later I managed to get myself into another dysfunctional relationship this time with a drug addict. I knew they smoked a 'bit of grass' as lots of people do. I was made to believe this was purely recreational and only on weekends when the child they cared for was away with their birth parents. Of course the then partner was often busy weekdays so I couldn't prove otherwise. It's amazing what any of us can disregard when we fall in love....

A few years into our relationship they used the same weekend excuse that they were now enjoying a 'bit of sniff'. Only because I challenged noticed obvious and related behaviors. Red flags were now flying high (no pun intended). One night while out of it they got a call and ran out of the estate to 'meet a friend'. On questioning them on their return they admitted they were dealing grass and cocaine and had been for months! Didn't I feel naive. They had absolutely no shame in finally admitting that they were supporting their hobby (habit) by hiding these substances in their home. They totally minimized the fact that a 14 year old kid in their care could easily find cocaine. That was my wake up call. Love certainly was blind in my case up to then. I reported them as it was obviously now a serious child protection issue which they refused to correct.

Unfortunately we caretakers with our over abundant empathy are like magnets of tolerance. Combined with our taught skills we are encouraged to and learn to accept so many inappropriate behaviors. Being non judgemental is professionally demanded of us and can set us up to be used and abused. Our personal boundaries can become skewed because all that empathy motivates us to be open to always attempting to fix others. Whatever their lies! We do it professionally and subconsciously personally. It's a blessing and a curse but can be very draining. Thus burnout can occur as you know. We are often ideal codependents/enablers. Usually designed from early caregiver attachment experiences. This opens us up to later manipulations. We often attract and are attracted to relationships that are toxic unless we seriously reflect and initiate undesired personal changes. Self-care is sadly low on our priority list as we dangerously put the needs of others before our own.

NinetyTwoTeam

MrJones1973 wrote: »

This is ott. Yes most addicts relapse the first few times but a lot will eventually succeed. The recovery models you outline perhaps are the problem. Their models are flawed and based on avoidance rather than looking towards what better life an addict might have without addiction.
I know a lot of functioning addicts who are better human beings than so called non addicts .
Look at dr peele for credible evidence based alternatives
There are no easy solutions but im aghast how quick a poster can be to judge somebody they never met ?
Let the guy try counselling. And avoid the equivalent of modern sadducces or pop psychologists.

But the person in question is not in recovery or making any efforts to get help. They're not in counseling. I never said people can't recover but the percentage for those that actually try to get help is less than 50%. For someone who is not in any programs, who has stated that because they only use once a month that that means they can't be an addict, there is little chance of them getting clean any time soon.

368100

Damien Attractive Pan wrote: »

Do him (and yourself) a favour and stop enabling his habit.
The best thing you could do is walk away.

This is a genuine question, it seems to me that in most situations like this that not cutting the person out of your life completely is seen as enabling them....why is that?

The op isnt making excuses for him and doesn't seem willing to accept him continuing the habit. How is this enabling to try and stand by someone with a serious problem?

MrJones1973

NinetyTwoTeam wrote: »

But the person in question is not in recovery or making any efforts to get help. They're not in counseling. I never said people can't recover but the percentage for those that actually try to get help is less than 50%. For someone who is not in any programs, who has stated that because they only use once a month that that means they can't be an addict, there is little chance of them getting clean any time soon.

I would agree with you. I just think that a few posters were saying walk away now. My own view is issue an ultimatum about counselling. Give him a month. Failing that walk away
To be fair counselling is not guaranteed to bring success but its the start of a journey