Saying a clients name in bed!

Boardno1

So I was working for a client (who is also a friend) for the day and was stressing about the work what I had done. I thought I had messed up some work but he text me an hour or so after I left my office and said it wasn't my fault so I was a lot more chilled out, I had told my boyfriend about this and he see he had messaged to let me know.
I was out with my boyfriend for the night, we was drinking and me especially had 1 (or 10) too many. I didn't really know what was going on but we was happy and enjoying ourselves. We was talking about our future and what we want in life etc it was one of the most serious and best conversations we'd had to date. 
We got back to the hotel room and was laying in bed when he started kissing me, My brain must of been asleep because I said 'Dan' (my client/friends name), my boyfriend stopped and said 'what did you just say' I then repeated it again. I clearly was half asleep because it was a drunken moment, it wasn't said as a moan etc but he jumped up started saying wtf etc we're done and he can't believe what just happened.
I asked him to stop and go to sleep so we can talk about it tomorrow, we went to sleep and woke up the next day (we had a day out planned) as soon as I said morning he asked to get up and leave which we did.
I told him how sorry I was and carried on texting him this all day and I feel terrible about how I've made him feel but it was a genuine slip of the tongue mistake but he's saying he's not going to be able to get over it.
What can I say to try, make this better and get him back? I've tried highlighting how it meant nothing, there's nothing there and work was clearly playing on my mind but I don't think it's working..
I've told him how much he means to me and the future we would have together but he just keeps telling me how angry he is and how he's not going to be able to see past this!
He means the world to me and we've been through SO much to get where we are today, I know he doesn't want to end this but he's embarrassed and upset I think he might be serious..

HalloweenJack

How long have you been together?

IMO, your BF is massively over-reacting. Has he even given you the chance to explain? He just seems to have hit the roof and not even bothered to listen to your side. Is this normal when you have an argument? From my point of view, this is his problem and he needs to deal with it.

ted1

Massive over reacting. Mistakes like this happen with no sinster reason

Boardno1

HalloweenJack wrote: »

How long have you been together?

IMO, your BF is massively over-reacting. Has he even given you the chance to explain? He just seems to have hit the roof and not even bothered to listen to your side. Is this normal when you have an argument? From my point of view, this is his problem and he needs to deal with it.

Just under 2 years..He has let me try to explain but he's not willing to listen to my POV and is sending himself mad thinking this must mean more than what it is. Your exactly right - he does overreact and get a bee in his bonnet so I don't know what I can say to make him realise while he's in this rut>!

Boardno1

ted1 wrote: »

Massive over reacting. Mistakes like this happen with no sinster reason

How do I make him realise this!!!

December2012

You can’t.

You tried and he didn’t listen.

Have you ever been unfaithful before, does he have any reason to think that this is more than it was? Does he like your friend?

Boardno1

December2012 wrote: »

You can’t.  

You tried and he didn’t listen.

Have you ever been unfaithful before, does he have any reason to think that this is more than it was?  Does he like your friend?

So I just leave him and wait until he calms down?
I've never been unfaithful and this is what I've said to him - I've never done anything for you to think like this. He has met him but he is a work friend so only at one work event before

woodchuck

OP there was another thread here recently about accidently saying an exs name I think. The general consensus was that this was a common slip of the tongue/mind and everyone does it from time to time (calling people by their ex, mother, father, dog etc!!).

I can see how his initial reaction would obviously be negative, but any rational person would get over it once they've had a chance to think it over. You've said your piece and the ball is in his court now. If you really want to make another effort, you could try putting something in writing? You could start by acknowledging his feelings (must not be nice to hear), but reiterate your position that it meant nothing and was just a slip of tongue. Hopefully he'll see past this, but honestly, if he doesn't... is that really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

December2012

You can’t control his behaviour, only your own. If he won’t listen, yes you are going to have to give him time to calm down.

Don’t forget, he has effectively dumped you over a misunderstanding and an overreaction. Is he always this dramatic?

laserlad2010

Look, the second moan... that may well have done the damage.

I'd agree that he's probably overreacting, but this was a special occasion and the guy may have felt he was really letting his guard down or making a really special effort. Particularly given you'd had lots of serious chats beforehand, he may feel that he's been made a fool out of.

Add this to having met Dan before... Guys are flawed in many ways and I can feel myself reacting slightly similar even reading the story. This still means he's the same guy you love but he's hurting like mad at the moment and some men aren't as good at expressing emotion as women.

Of course, he could just have an anger issue. Can't say without more detail. All I know is that I sympathise for the guy a bit too.

leggo

As I said in the thread about saying an ex’s name, this is something that can happen easily enough and stupid society has conditioned us to think it’s a ‘big deal’ because TV shows and movies needed dramatic arcs to build around, when in reality it’s normal enough.

If I was you and the relationship is otherwise strong, I’d send a reassuring but firm message along the lines of, “Look I’ve apologised a million times when really I’ve done nothing to apologise for. You know where I’m at and you know deep down I wouldn’t do anything or think about anyone else. I’m gonna give you space while you work these emotions out, if you need me in the meantime or want to chat you can text me.” Then, if you’re secure in the relationship otherwise, don’t text him until he texts you. You’re projecting that you’re sorry for the slip but also not projecting any guilt because you know you’ve nothing to be guilty for, as it is the more you try explain the deeper you’re probably digging yourself into a hole you don’t need to be in. I’d say he’ll come back fine in a day or two after sending that message. At worst he’ll get needy and insecure that Dan will start weaseling his way in the longer he leaves you and it’ll cop him right on.

Tigger99

You mentioned that he has overreacted before. Has he sulked for a few days before too? If this is a regular thing I'd be taking a hard look at your relationship. It's pathetic behaviour and draining for you.

If ye don't end up breaking up its a ****ty thing for him to threaten.

I went out with someone who did both regularly. I was so busy twisting myself inside out to appease him that it took me a long time to realise how unacceptable his behaviour. Though I loved him deeply at the time it was a huge relief to end it. And I've never regretted it.

homerjay2005

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Look, the second moan... that may well have done the damage.

I'd agree that he's probably overreacting, but this was a special occasion and the guy may have felt he was really letting his guard down or making a really special effort. Particularly given you'd had lots of serious chats beforehand, he may feel that he's been made a fool out of.

All I know is that I sympathise for the guy a bit too.

this.....very surprised at the amount of blame being portioned on the boyfriend here.

the OP has explained context and its from her side. the other is and more crucially a man is kissing his girlfriend and she calls him not once, but twice by the name of another man who at the moment is very closely connected to her at work.

i think almost everybody on here if this was them, would react pretty much the same. its very hurtful and worrying and the OP can only blame herself for this, no matter what the context is.

its a huge f*ck up in my opinion.

sbsquarepants

Over reaction on his part, people are liable to say absolutely anything when half asleep, especially when drunk.

One time myself and the missus were in bed in some hotel she went to use the loo, when she came back I sat up and said in my best cockney accent "all-white go-jus" I had nodded off and was dreaming I was in eastenders!

Another time she told me I'd have to move my car cos it was blocking her in.

Shít happens. Your boyfriend is being a bit childish and insecure.

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Boardno1

December2012 wrote: »

You can’t control his behaviour, only your own. If he won’t listen, yes you are going to have to give him time to calm down.

Don’t forget, he has effectively dumped you over a misunderstanding and an overreaction.  Is he always this dramatic?

That's true, I have left him for a couple of days now I'm going to tell him we are sorting this and show I mean it. He is a massive drama queen and I think this is why I'm not so upset about what he's done but trying to understand him..

sbsquarepants

Boardno1 wrote: »

He is a massive drama queen and I think this is why I'm not so upset about what he's done but trying to understand him..

There's your answer right there sweetheart!

Do you really need that shít in your life?

It's not like us men are in short supply (even salt of the earth types like myself:D)

Boardno1

homerjay2005 wrote: »

laserlad2010 wrote: »

Look, the second moan... that may well have done the damage.

I'd agree that he's probably overreacting, but this was a special occasion and the guy may have felt he was really letting his guard down or making a really special effort. Particularly given you'd had lots of serious chats beforehand, he may feel that he's been made a fool out of.

All I know is that I sympathise for the guy a bit too.

this.....very surprised at the amount of blame being portioned on the boyfriend here.

the OP has explained context and its from her side. the other is and more crucially a man is kissing his girlfriend and she calls him not once, but twice by the name of another man who at the moment is very closely connected to her at work.

i think almost everybody on here if this was them, would react pretty much the same. its very hurtful and worrying and the OP can only blame herself for this, no matter what the context is.

its a huge f*ck up in my opinion.

laserlad2010: I was half asleep, I said the name and he said 'what' and I said it again, it wasn't a moan just me saying it..surely if it was a moan and there was anything there I would of realised straight away and try to get myself out of it?
I completely agree - I think it's worse that we were having all of the serious conversations just before and I said it, he feels super embarrassed.
homerjay2005: 
Thank you for a different opinion. It is a huge **** up and as explained above I don't think it was a moan. But what do you think I should do? What/how could I make this better? I've left him for a couple of days to calm down now..

Ursus Horribilis

If he's a drama queen then there's absolutely nothing you can say or do until he calms down. Give him space and time for now.

laserlad2010

Yeah not much else to add.

The additional stuff about him being described as a drama queen, well, there you have it.

I wouldn't apologise any further. If he can't articulate his feelings to you, you'll end up bending over backwards to apologise and nothing will be good enough.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, not trying to take sides, you've just done all you can.

Being half asleep doesn't mean much, he may feel that you were thinking about Dan instead of him.

bucketybuck

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When half asleep people may mix up details in relation to what they are currently doing, the problem is the association between names and details. So for example you could be tired and working and instead of your bosses name you say a customers name, because you associate that customers name with work and that particular job. You could be tired and playing with the kids and you mix up your kids names, because you are thinking of kids and your kids name pops into your mind.

You said this guys name during sex. You associate Dan's name with sex. Why do you associate Dan's name with sex? Why are you thinking about Dan during sex? Are you remembering sex with Dan? Are you fantasizing about having sex with Dan?

Point is, I wouldn't so glibly dismiss your boyfriends reaction as just being a drama queen, a lot of men would instantly be asking the same questions I just did. And lets be honest, the reasons given by you are exactly the answers you might expect from somebody who had cheated but wasn't admitting it, how to be sure if they are true or not?

Hopefully he calms down and you can work through this, but again, I would not write him of as just a drama queen, its not as straightforward as that.

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bucketybuck

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Thats what you want to pick up on?

Drunk and back to the hotel room after a date night, in bed he starts kissing her. Any adult knows where that tends to go. But if it makes you happier just replace the word sex with the word kissing or romantic encounter, the emotions involved will remain the same.

Can’t believe people are being so harsh on the boyfriend

It was just really bad timing to say the other lads name (as innocent as it was), and the boyfriend is naturally a bit confused and upset over this as it happened in bed after what sounds like a nice meal. This is when people are usually most vunerable (at home in bed)

I find it hard to believe that it would be water off a ducks back for most people in the exact same circumstances

This is not the same as saying something gibberish while drunk. As innocent as it was, the ops boyfriend imagination is probably running wild now (and I can empathize with him)

Just give him some time.

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bucketybuck

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Half asleep and thinking about Dan. You really seem to be missing the important part of the whole conversation.

And you can keep the petty jibes to yourself.

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osarusan

bucketybuck wrote: »

When half asleep people may mix up details in relation to what they are currently doing, the problem is the association between names and details. So for example you could be tired and working and instead of your bosses name you say a customers name, because you associate that customers name with work and that particular job. You could be tired and playing with the kids and you mix up your kids names, because you are thinking of kids and your kids name pops into your mind.

You said this guys name during sex. You associate Dan's name with sex. Why do you associate Dan's name with sex? Why are you thinking about Dan during sex? Are you remembering sex with Dan? Are you fantasizing about having sex with Dan?

I'd guess this is the mentality of the OP's partner too.

But I don't agree that there is a association of names and activities (and consequently some limit on whose names you might say at any moment). What if you say your co-worker's name instead of your partner's name while giving the kids a bath? What does that signify? What is the association between them?

To me it would signify that while doing one thing, your mind was on another (unassociated) thing completely.

The OP's partner is reading that association into it, but it doesn't have to be there. Whether the partner can be convinced of that, I don't know.