He wasn't over his ex

LegacyUser

Cut a long story short. I was out for drinks on Friday and bumped into an old colleague. We ended up hanging out together for the rest if the night and catching up. We were close in work and I haven't seen her in about 18 months since I left.

My boyfriend, who I now live with and am very happy with worked with her too. We met in work but he was only contracting for a few months so it wasn't long term.
She was quite drunk and told me that when my boyfriend started seeing me he wasn't over his ex, he told her he wasn't that into me was basically using me to get over his ex and she told him that it was unfair. She said he was with me to originally make this ex jealous. She so showed me WhatsApp messages from that time

I'm not sure if this is OK or not. Were in our 30s and as i said weve a fantastic relationship. We've talkeeabout marriage, buying a house etc over the next couple of years. I've been totally off with him since.

Can anyone advise? Now I'm questioning if he's ever loved me at all. Was I just a mechanism to make his ex jealous?

Big Bag of Chips

It may have started out as that but obviously turned into more. Not everybody is head over heels in love with someone when they first meet them. They have to get to know them. He said something very silly and very immature at the beginning of knowing you. I'm sure he has matured and changed his attitude in the time you've been together.

"Yer wan" on the other hand sounds like a complete sht stirrer. Doesn't matter how drunk she was, she was aware of what she was doing. She wasn't that drunk that she couldn't find texts from almost 2 years ago. I think you might need to talk to him to get reassurance. But I think if you're going to be "off" with anyone it should be her. Any chance she had her eye on your fella herself and is jealous that your relationship is lasting the distance?

Ursus Horribilis

I'd be inclined to take the "that was then, this is now" view of it too. His motivations at the start of the relationship may not have been the best but why would he have continued seeing you if he was still thinking like that? People can and do change their minds. I think you need to chat to him though.

JupiterKid

OP - it sounds to me like that girl who told you those things about your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and him, for whatever reason I don’t know but to me it seems the intention is misguided at best and malicious and nasty at worst. If you really feel you and your partner have a good relationship, then that should be enough.

I wouldn’t be surprised if jealousy or bitterness is at play on the part of the woman who told you those things. It’s her you should direct your ire towards.

mojesius

Some people like to rain on other people's parades. Others like to spread their negativety either consciously or unconsciously. I've been on the receiving end myself from drunken 'insights' when i was truly happy years into a relationship and it's not nice for someone to bring you down.

You live together, seem to have good plans for future together etc. I wouldn't get too worried over it or be off with him but for your own peace of mind, definitely talk it through with him. We all have a past, baggage and feelings, it's totally normal. Look at what you have right now.

Addle

She's just out to cause trouble OP.
Don't know why anyone would keep messages like that for so long.
Don't let her ruin your current happiness.

Katgurl

Oh how awful. I would be feel hurt and humiliated.

However that doesn't mean he doesn't love you now. I would tell him the truth and let him reassure you.

leggo

Oh gawd, the absolute cringe of the thoughts of having your initial impressions or motivations with someone brought to bare once it has developed into a serious relationship. You likely had your own unflattering or cringey thoughts about him at the time that have since been whitewashed by hindsight, and so they should be, how we feel about someone we don’t know is completely different to how we feel once we get to know them. The reality is he got to know you and this relationship you now enjoy is the result of that. This shouldn’t have been brought up and your only problem here is this so-called friend who’s looking to ruin your life for whatever reason. Get rid of her, she’s toxic. And if you need to hear him explain how his feelings for you grew, tell your boyfriend so he can fill in those blanks and you can get past this. But it’s going to be an uncomfortable (ultimately avoidable) conversation for both of you so if you can get away with just accepting your great relationship as proof enough then I’d do that first.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to go home to him after work and I just feel its all based on a lie. I was 2nd best and its just so hurtful

Calypso Realm

Addle wrote: »

.
Don't know why anyone would keep messages like that for so long.

Actually this was my first thought as well. In fact, what exactly did the messages say? Another thing that struck me as strange is why would this guy, who was only a temp member of the workforce be 'confiding' such personal information like this, when he knew you two were close? Even if he didn't know, the whole thing is very odd, IMO. How well did he know your work colleague before this? I also wonder what prompted this 'interaction' between them? Of course she may well have said something to him about him dating you but why on earth would be wish to admit to 'using' you in the first place? A lot of this just doesn't make sense to me, OP.

LegacyUser

The girl in question is married I wouldn't think anything ever went on with them tbh. They worked on a project together

Messages on her part indicated it wasn't fair to be leading me on, that they were texting up still, that he liked me but wasn't that into me and still liked the other girl.

Big Bag of Chips

It's understandable that you are hurt. Of course we'd like to think that our partner only ever thought good things about us. But, very few people, especially as they get older will come into a relationship without a bit of baggage. So, he wasn't over his ex. He wouldn't be the first. I wouldn't think he meant that he wasn't that in to you, but more, he was still into her. Again he wouldn't be the first person. It's not nice to think that you're a consolation, but.. how long have you been with him? If he was only with you to make his ex jealous then he's certainly playing the long game, isn't he?!

Honestly, I do understand that you're upset. And I think you should talk to him. But think about why on earth that woman felt the need to tell you any of this. Why she felt the need to dig out texts from years ago. And don't think just because she's married that she mightn't be jealous of your relationship. It's very likely that she's not happy in her own life and loves nothing better than to stir a bit of sht in other people's lives.

Talk to him.
If you don't, what's the option?

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should talk to him. The more you turn this over and over in your own head, the worse it's going to get. It's going to drive you mad. What do you have to lose by having a conversation about it? The way things are going, you're at risk of throwing away a good relationship. All because of texts your boyfriend sent a long time ago when he was still hung up on his ex? Why would he have continued with the relationship if he wasn't happy with it? Why would he now be living with you and be looking at a future that includes marriage and a house?

Calypso Realm

You see, although it most certainly applies in some cases, I'm not convinced at all that her main motive here was to stir things because if that were the case, the time to have done it was when OP and he started going out. I think now it's simply a case of the alcohol lovering her inhibitions etc In fact, I'm very surprised she didn't say anything at the time if only to warn her though! Although I know information like this isn't always well received/appreciated, for the reasons cited above, I would have a very hard time holding back if it were a friend of mine and I was privy to information like this!

Ursus Horribilis

Wasntoverhisex wrote: »

Messages on her part indicated it wasn't fair to be leading me on, that they were texting up still, that he liked me but wasn't that into me and still liked the other girl.

What's the timeline here?

LegacyUser

I don't think all the shooting the messenger in this thread is particularly helpful, we can question her motivation all we like, but it doesn't address the OP's issue.

I think, OP, that your only question is can you get past what you know now about his supposed feelings and motivation at the start of your relationship. Many couples, possibly even most couples, have a period of early uncertainty, a time when they size each other up, learn to trust each other while they enjoy the excitement, deciding if they'll run with it or not, maybe going back and forth deciding to leave it then changing their minds and throwing themselves into it. That's natural and obvious to you already. It's also natural that will bring up feelings from previous relationships, make people think about how this one is different etc. That's all good, we get to a good relationship and we forget that ever happened, it's useless knowledge. Luckily for most of us, we aren't then confronted with some third party laying out that process and showing some questionable motivation on the part of our other halves. That's a pretty horrid thing to have to hear.
I know people have suggested you talk to him, but I don't see that helping unless you just want him to reassure you she's wrong, then not really believe him anyway.
So, you'll have to think hard and examine your feelings and how they're likely to develop from here, then ask yourself are you going to be able to put this behind you, or will you now always look at him and think of how unhappy you are about his feelings at the beginning?

homerjay2005

all that matters is how your relationship is now. he came out of a relationship, of course he is going to have some pre feelings and you came along. its obvious his feelings towards you have changed.

and the girl sounds like a complete s*it stirrer, she isnt a friend to you, what she said didnt need to be said and i cant for the life of me realise why she would do such a horrible thing.

SB_Part2

A guy I was really good friends with, his best friend was seeing my friend. He told me that he wasn't really into her and that it was just a bit of fun. She on the other hand was absolutely head over heels about him. I told her what I knew and it was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made because she called me a **** stirrer. I honestly was only telling her because I didn't want to see her hurt.

That was 6 years ago and they are married with two kids now.

My point is that maybe at the start of the relationship he wasn't that into you but things change. He obviously wouldn't still be with you if he didn't want to be.