Parents stuck in a time warp

LegacyUser

A number of years ago some family members fell out with my parents. That issue has not resolved itself but it is now almost 5 years since that major event. My dad is retired and my mom is a housewife.
In the immediate aftermath of the falling out one parent suffered a breakdown and ended up having to be hospitalised for a period of time and has been medicated since.
It is now difficult to visit my parents as they keep reliving that falling out over and over again. They've also reframed the event and painted themselves as victims and the other family members in a bad light to anyone who will listen. Both sides were at fault at the time in truth and now i would say that so much time had passed that it may never get resolved.
I made it clear to my parents at the time I was maintaining my relationship with the other family members as it wasn't my fight. My parents were "fine" with this initially but now they are hostile towards me as a result. I'm given a list of things I'm not allowed to talk about with the extended family which the people on the other side of this argument don't to talk about anyway when I meet them. In fact I dont discuss my parents with them and they don't tend to ask. How can I continue to have a relationship with all sides of this without my parents acting like immature, selfish and mean-spirited people?

Airyfairy12

Your parents have let this go around and around in their heads like a broken record. I had something similar happen in my own family, our 'side' was over it and didnt really care, would have happily reconciled and said no more about it but the other side continued to let it fester and seemed to think there was a 'war' going on between both sides when really it was all in their own heads. 10 years later the younger members of that side of the family approached us and slowly began a relationship again, they were shocked to see how chilled out we were about everything. Their parents had created this big drama that went on for years over nothing. The sad thing is they missed out on ten years, in that time grandparents and other relatives died and they missed out on getting to know cousins and new extended family members.
Your parents are clearly in the wrong, id continue a relationship with the other side of your family because giving into your parents toxic notions only drags you into it and creates more needless drama. Some people love arguing, they thrive off it, even when its all in their head. Theres no changing them, they are the way they are.
Next time your parents bring it up, change the subject, dont give into the negativity. When you do meet the other side of the family, dont tell your parents, youre only adding fuel to the fire.

Tenigate

Respect everyone's wishes. Don't discuss with your parents things they don't want to hear.
In your mind there's an elephant in the room. That may be so. It doesn't mean you can't talk the weather, price of spuds, the drying out, neighbours or local politics, your interests, your parents interests, etc.

LegacyUser

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Next time your parents bring it up, change the subject, dont give into the negativity. When you do meet the other side of the family, dont tell your parents, youre only adding fuel to the fire.

I try to change the subject but I am guilty of getting sucked into the conversation in that I tell them they need to move on and we end up arguing. I think you are right that I need to stop doing that. Arguing is engaging with the whole thing.

I didn't tell when I visited when they started to react badly initially. However one time I was seen by someone who inocently said they had seen me to my parents and that was seen as a betrayal. Although I know it must be antagonizing them by my telling them when I visit but I'm damned if I do and damned if i don't in this instance. I am not conspiring against them.

I definitely don't want to lose 10 years of my extended family's lives and I'm fighting not to. I want to know them and if they choose for them to know me. I always get a lovely welcome too. Same as always! My poor parents are missing out but so are the extended family as I'm the only one maintaining the link. It's sad but it's also life and we all need to get on with living in my opinion rather than stuck 5 years ago when people said deeply hurtful things to each other and not being able to see past it.

Xterminator

Hi Op

It sucks being in the middle, and it must be hard trying to be the go-between

family fallouts can be bitter and lasting, that's not unusual. what is unusual is the effect this has had on your parents. Lasting and permanent health problems, and the knock on affects that has had on them. while they might not be saints in all this you can at least understand why they might be left bitter, right ?

Well not from your post you wouldn't. not one sentence indicating you understand from your parents perspective the deep and lasting impact this had had on them. Actually the sentence that stood out for me was "my parents acting like immature, selfish and mean-spirited people"

Sorry, i don't think you are being fair and balanced yourself. Has it occured to you that your parents might deserve better from you? the consequences alone would make it hard for them to just "see past it".

I believe there is nothing wrong with trying to maintain some relationship with the extended family. That's not what i am trying to say. its the lack of empathy you display for your parents feelings. It seems to me you dont respect them very much.

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kunst nugget

Xterminator wrote: »

Hi Op

It sucks being in the middle, and it must be hard trying to be the go-between

family fallouts can be bitter and lasting, that's not unusual. what is unusual is the effect this has had on your parents. Lasting and permanent health problems, and the knock on affects that has had on them. while they might not be saints in all this you can at least understand why they might be left bitter, right ?

Well not from your post you wouldn't. not one sentence indicating you understand from your parents perspective the deep and lasting impact this had had on them. Actually the sentence that stood out for me was "my parents acting like immature, selfish and mean-spirited people"

Sorry, i don't think you are being fair and balanced yourself. Has it occured to you that your parents might deserve better from you? the consequences alone would make it hard for them to just "see past it".

I believe there is nothing wrong with trying to maintain some relationship with the extended family. That's not what i am trying to say. its the lack of empathy you display for your parents feelings. It seems to me you dont respect them very much.

Did you ever have to listen to someone bring up the same petty issues over and over again and continually present themselves as the victim even though you know they are as much to blame as the other party? It gets pretty exhausting and any empathy you have gets completely eroded. Especially when they are doing nothing proactive to address the situation but instead use you as a sounding board for their moaning.

Thankfully, it's not an issue I've had with my parents but I've brushed off toxic people like that in my life. I keep them as far away from me as possible. I can't see anything wrong with the OP's assessment of his parents. It must be a terrible drain on their relationship to constantly listening to them shítting on about the same issue over and over again.