Are my expectations too high on Grindr?

eaglach

I've been on Grindr on and off for a while now with little success. I am well aware that it is mostly an app for hook-ups, but I can't help but feel disheartened every time I go onto it.

I generally do not do NSA as I would not feel comfortable going to a strangers house just to have sex. There needs to be some kind of connection first. A drink and a normal conversation is my only expectation from it!

However, when I strike up a conversation with someone, it can be promising until I'm met with the infamous "what u into" line. Instantaneously I am put off. Or if guys advertise their position in the bedroom, I get this voice in the back of my head saying do I really want to meet a guy who advertises this kind of stuff?

It might be because I'm not into the whole gay culture and scene. My only frame of reference for dating comes from all of my straight friends where this kind of thing doesn't really happen (in app form anyway!).

On the other hand I am starting to think my mentality is affecting me negatively in meeting new people. I've only been with a handful of guys, and am certainly not very experienced in the bedroom. Perhaps meeting up with guys, who are not actively looking for relationships, may lead to something more serious and I'm throwing away many opportunities. That may be some naive thinking though!

Do I need to get over my prudish behaviour and go with the flow?

Goodshape

I think you're expecting to much from Grindr. Also you don't need to get over (or under) anything if you don't want to.

There are other apps which are more geared towards dating and potential relationships. Still no guarantee of success but try PlentyOfFish (POF), OkCupid, or even Tinder and Surge. They tend to be less hookup orientated than Grindr.

Heebie

Indeed. Grindr isn't the right app for you.
You should probably be using a dating site or app rather than a hookup one.
Match.com, compatible partners etc...

thereality

eaglach wrote: »

However, when I strike up a conversation with someone, it can be promising until I'm met with the infamous "what u into" line. Instantaneously I am put off. Or if guys advertise their position in the bedroom, I get this voice in the back of my head saying do I really want to meet a guy who advertises this kind of stuff?

Without sounding blunt, would you rather a guy wasted your time and his time for several weeks before you realise that both of you want very different things? IMO there is nothing worse than a guy wanting 'chats' on Grindr. I don't want to spend weeks talking to a guy who has zero expectations of meeting me ever

Sex is a deal breaker for many people. Will two tops have a very successful relationship? Some might, but for a lot it won't be.

Your perfect man could be out there and you have immediately dismissed him as he made it clear from the start what he wanted.

eaglach wrote: »

It might be because I'm not into the whole gay culture and scene. My only frame of reference for dating comes from all of my straight friends where this kind of thing doesn't really happen (in app form anyway!).

Do you really think one of your straight male friends is going to turn down a NSA meet up with a really good looking girl? Straight guys would be banging girls like guys bang other guys, if not all Irish people were so uptight about sex

eaglach wrote: »

Do I need to get over my prudish behaviour and go with the flow?

It is not so much prudish, but you have completely unrealistic expectations. You clearly don't want to speak to guys on Grindr, that are only into NSA. Yet when a guy asks you what are you into, you immediately dismiss him. You have realise peoples time is limit. Not everyone is into mindless chats to find out eventually if they are on the same wavelength

Maybe put on your profile not into NSA for starts

Goodshape

I kinda disagree with thereality. Mostly it's fine, there is nothing at all wrong with using Grindr and putting sex first, but equally there's nothing wrong with preferring to know somebody, maybe even liking somebody, beforehand.

Lots of people, even gays!, fall into the second category.

Grindr definitely caters to the first, though. Other apps are available.

Maz2016

I completely get what you are saying OP. I am in a very similar situation.
I dont really agree with @thereality, I think if you have "no NSA/hook ups" on your profile, its a good start.

I am not out, I am from a smallish village. Grindr shows 2-3 people within a 5km radius....sometimes 5 people. The other apps show people 10km+ distances away. So yes sometimes I try strike up conversations on Grindr first. I always make it clear I am not looking for a hook up. Some people may not respond after that but thats fine. And some people respond with a simple "good luck in your search". But I am always up front about it.

Meetup.com is meant to be good too but I havent seen many groups for Limerick. Its hard at times but maybe Plenty of fish/matchetc are the way to try

eaglach wrote: »

I've been on Grindr on and off for a while now with little success. I am well aware that it is mostly an app for hook-ups, but I can't help but feel disheartened every time I go onto it.

I generally do not do NSA as I would not feel comfortable going to a strangers house just to have sex. There needs to be some kind of connection first. A drink and a normal conversation is my only expectation from it!

However, when I strike up a conversation with someone, it can be promising until I'm met with the infamous "what u into" line. Instantaneously I am put off. Or if guys advertise their position in the bedroom, I get this voice in the back of my head saying do I really want to meet a guy who advertises this kind of stuff?

It might be because I'm not into the whole gay culture and scene. My only frame of reference for dating comes from all of my straight friends where this kind of thing doesn't really happen (in app form anyway!).

On the other hand I am starting to think my mentality is affecting me negatively in meeting new people. I've only been with a handful of guys, and am certainly not very experienced in the bedroom. Perhaps meeting up with guys, who are not actively looking for relationships, may lead to something more serious and I'm throwing away many opportunities. That may be some naive thinking though!

Do I need to get over my prudish behaviour and go with the flow?

wakka12

Even though its a hookup app theres still so many guys on it looking for more than hookups like you. Literally every third or 4th profile explicitly says they're not into NSA, I don't get why so many guys bang on about there being no guys on it looking for relationships. And anyway, tinder is a lot better for that!

eaglach

Goodshape wrote: »

I think you're expecting to much from Grindr. Also you don't need to get over (or under) anything if you don't want to.

There are other apps which are more geared towards dating and potential relationships. Still no guarantee of success but try PlentyOfFish (POF), OkCupid, or even Tinder and Surge. They tend to be less hookup orientated than Grindr.

Out of curiosity, are there many gay guys on PlentofFish or OkCupid? I've run out of people on Tinder and haven't even heard of Surge!

Ten of Swords

eaglach wrote: »

Perhaps meeting up with guys, who are not actively looking for relationships, may lead to something more serious and I'm throwing away many opportunities. That may be some naive thinking though!

Eaglach if NSA sex is not your thing then I'm really not sure this would be a good idea. If I've understood your post correctly are you thinking about meeting guys for sex and seeing if something will develop from that? That may not happen, or if it does it may take a while of meeting guys interested in only sex, and you probably won't enjoy it long term if NSA is outside your comfort zone. Or are you considering NSA to improve your experience? You will probably learn a few things but again if it's outside your comfort zone you probably won't find it very fulfilling.

Grindr is not the only game in town, there are other apps and also other ways to approach and meet men looking for relationships, quite a few have been mentioned in the thread already.

Good luck.

wakka12

eaglach wrote: »

Out of curiosity, are there many gay guys on PlentofFish or OkCupid? I've run out of people on Tinder and haven't even heard of Surge!

Okcupid and POF have extremely few regular users in ireland at least compared to tinder or grindr

Goodshape

eaglach wrote: »

Out of curiosity, are there many gay guys on PlentofFish or OkCupid? I've run out of people on Tinder and haven't even heard of Surge!

Plenty of gay guys on those apps, yeah.

(Edit: wakka12 isn't wrong either; they're not as busy as Tinder or Grindr. I think that's the nature of them too though.)

Annasopra

Goodshape wrote: »

I kinda disagree with thereality. Mostly it's fine, there is nothing at all wrong with using Grindr and putting sex first, but equally there's nothing wrong with preferring to know somebody, maybe even liking somebody, beforehand.

Lots of people, even gays!, fall into the second category.

Grindr definitely caters to the first, though. Other apps are available.

I agree. Its fine if guys are looking for nsa sex but dont assume all men are.

MBM96

You're not alone in this, I can relate. I have an awful habit of going on grindr when i'm feeling lonely, and for some reason I never learn, generally users of that app do not want anything beyond quick casual sex. And that's fine if that's what you want, but generally I just feel degraded. Most of the time I'm just looking for interaction and maybe cuddles - wish there was an app for that. Tinder is another option, which is more dating orientated - but the issue I find with tinder is how superficial it tends to be - its often basing your worth on how attractive and socially desirable you are.

eaglach

Sometimes I think that ruling out casual interactions is limiting the possibility of something more serious.

How many people go in with the idea of looking for a serious relationship on a normal night out? They just go with the flow, and if it ends up in someones bedroom, so be it. It may lead to another few drinks and back to the bedroom. And again... and that can go on for sometime until it turns out you're dating!

I'm not saying that I jump into the bed with anyone, but even if someone is looking for something casual, to just meet for a drink and see where it leads.

I've talked to many a nice guy who I've cut contact with because they weren't actively looking for a relationship. Seems silly now.

imme

Grindr is a very specific thing and place.

It sets the parameters or else you get nowhere with it.

It attracts a certain type imo.

thereality

Goodshape wrote: »

I kinda disagree with thereality. Mostly it's fine, there is nothing at all wrong with using Grindr and putting sex first, but equally there's nothing wrong with preferring to know somebody, maybe even liking somebody, beforehand.

OPs problem is that the he is not into NSA and is not happy when guys asks 'what are you in'. I personally don't want to hours chatting to a guy looking for 'chats'. OP maybe not be so disheartened on Grindr if he clearly laid out his expectations from the beginning.

You can't expect every person on Grindr to invest hours upon in you to get to know you to decent whether or not you want to hook up. Maybe because I live in Dublin, there are just so many guys that don't have the small town mentality of investing weeks into speaking to someone before you lay your cards on the table

Goodshape

thereality wrote: »

OPs problem is that the he is not into NSA and is not happy when guys asks 'what are you in'. I personally don't want to hours chatting to a guy looking for 'chats'. OP maybe not be so disheartened on Grindr if he clearly laid out his expectations from the beginning.

That's all well and good but your post seemed to suggest (sorry if I picked you up wrong) that he should essentially get over himself and be happy to sleep with more guys and have more hookups while he looks for a partner. That everyone does it and (even) straight guys would if they had the chance.

But there's nothing wrong with wanting a personal relationship before a sexual relationship. It's not unusual at all. It's just not what Grindr is for.

thereality

Goodshape wrote: »

That's all well and good but your post seemed to suggest (sorry if I picked you up wrong) that he should essentially get over himself

Eh? Where does it suggest that? The part where I contradict OP claims straight people never have NSA on straight apps?

Goodshape wrote: »

But there's nothing wrong with wanting a personal relationship before a sexual relationship. It's not unusual at all. It's just not what Grindr is for.

You state that is not what Grindr is for,then you probably should make it clear what you want. I have been on plenty of dates from Grindr and have dated guys from Grindr.

Unfortunately OP would have never dated me, as I like to ask what are you into. I don't what to talk to a random guy on an apps for months who has zero intention of meeting me. There is nothing wrong with ensuring you have the same expectations.

OP is expecting guys to have endless chats to find if they are on the same page. He could save himself a lot of distress, if he merely said No NSA and only looking for a relationship. He enjoy Grindr if he has great, unrealistic expectations

Goodshape

thereality wrote: »

Eh? Where does it suggest that? The part where I contradict OP claims straight people never have NSA on straight apps?

Again, sorry if I picked you up wrong. It was just the tone I got from your post – that the OP was wrong, rather than just using the wrong app.

I know dates and relationships are possible on Grindr but it's not the default or the expectation of most people on there. In my opinion and experience anyway.