New relationship

Busylovinife

Hey guys total new forum user here ... 2 months ago I had my first ever one night stand ... I went to a bar and instantly had a connection with a guy and went home with him , we swapped numbers and I thought well I won’t hear from him ... he has no children is 44 has a good job beautiful house is very fit and good looking. Me I’ve been single 6 years I have 5 amazing children oldest 2 are at university .. they all to the same guy , I have 2 degrees and I value my career and I’m always trying to better myself. Because of how many children I have o didn’t think I would hear from him. And when I did I was totally taken back. We started a booty call relationship until he got an injury which stopped him from having sex for a while he messaged me asking if I’d like to go to his place and stay the night anyway so I did and since then we have discovered we get on fantastic. He told me last night that his wife of 20 years hurt him that much that he is afraid of being hurt again but he is very affectionate and always letting me know how he feels about me.. he told me he thinks we past the booty call stage ... so I asked well are you my boyfriend and he said no that scares me ... but then went on to tell me that the night before he met me he was planning on selling up and moving along way away for a fresh start and now he don’t want to do that he wants me with no labels .., we are just seeing each other weekends for now because I’ve been on my own for so long and my ex husband cheated on me also ..... I am really scared of getting hurt too.. his actions tell me he wants a relationship but his words are different ... he’s coming to meet my children tomorrow he really wants to and to make sure they are happy with me staying at his house 2 nights a week , my children are 21 19 16 13 and 7 so they can look after them selves ... it’s a really nice feeling to have someone that you can tell how much they like you by how they touch you. My question is how can I get him to admit what he wants ... I would be devastated if I’m reading the signs wrong

slowburner

Post moved from the Psychology forum.

Tigger99

I think it's a horrendously bad idea for him to meet your kids at the moment. You are completely letting good sex cloud your judgement. So basically he's meeting them so that it's ok for him to stay over? Without any sort of commitment from him.

He has said he doesn't want a label on the relationship. Dress up his amazing touch, the sex all you like, his actions are not saying anything different. I think your cheating ex has put your self esteem in the gutter for you to accept this situation when you obviously want more.

You can't make someone want a relationship or want to be someone's boyfriend when they don't want to.

He's a friend with benefits at the moment. He's not your boyfriend from what he's said.

SimpleDimples

You know him 8 weeks, you aren't in a relationship?

I would certainly want something more solid than that before I would be introducing him to my children, especially a 7 year old.

On the positive side, it does sound like this may have potential but you both are being understandably very cautious. Give it a chance but leave the kids out of it for now.

Big Bag of Chips

He has told you he doesn't want to class your relationship as "a relationship" yet he is asking to meet your children??

No.

He wants their permission for you to stay over at his house 2 nights per week?

No.

One of your children is 7. And you say they are old enough to look after themselves?

No.

The younger 3 are, in my mind too young to be responsible for each other and the older 2 have university life to contend with so should not be held responsible for looking after the younger 3 so you can go have sex twice a week. Unless they are nights that they are with their dad. And if so, they don't need to know what you're doing.

He wants you in his life but doesn't want to commit to being in a relationship with you. That's fine. Perfectly fine. If that's what you agree to. But if he's not in a relationship with you, then he has no need to meet your children. There is no long-term plan. If you two were serious about each other and definite on giving a relationship a go then maybe. For now he doesn't know whether he's staying around or not.

He does not need to meet your children.

Meauldsegosha

I think meeting your children at this stage is way too early. You haven't decided yourselves what it is you have but he is asking your children if it is ok for you to stay in his house. I don't believe that is the right way for a new partner to be introduced to your children.

Big Bag of Chips

Actually, if you're not "putting a label on it" then what exactly would you introduce him to your children as? As your "friend"? Would they not question why you are staying with your friend nights a week? Would he go to lengths to explain to them that he's not your boyfriend?

I think if you are confused by the whole set-up your children are unlikely to get it.

dixiefly

Tigger99 wrote: »

I think it's a horrendously bad idea for him to meet your kids at the moment. You are completely letting good sex cloud your judgement. So basically he's meeting them so that it's ok for him to stay over? Without any sort of commitment from him.

He has said he doesn't want a label on the relationship. Dress up his amazing touch, the sex all you like, his actions are not saying anything different. I think your cheating ex has put your self esteem in the gutter for you to accept this situation when you obviously want more.

You can't make someone want a relationship or want to be someone's boyfriend when they don't want to.

He's a friend with benefits at the moment. He's not your boyfriend from what he's said.

I agree with this.

dixiefly

Busylovinife wrote: »

Hey guys total new forum user here ... 2 months ago I had my first ever one night stand ... I went to a bar and instantly had a connection with a guy and went home with him , we swapped numbers and I thought well I won’t hear from him ... he has no children is 44 has a good job beautiful house is very fit and good looking. Me I’ve been single 6 years I have 5 amazing children oldest 2 are at university .. they all to the same guy , I have 2 degrees and I value my career and I’m always trying to better myself. Because of how many children I have o didn’t think I would hear from him. And when I did I was totally taken back. We started a booty call relationship until he got an injury which stopped him from having sex for a while he messaged me asking if I’d like to go to his place and stay the night anyway so I did and since then we have discovered we get on fantastic. He told me last night that his wife of 20 years hurt him that much that he is afraid of being hurt again but he is very affectionate and always letting me know how he feels about me.. he told me he thinks we past the booty call stage ... so I asked well are you my boyfriend and he said no that scares me ... but then went on to tell me that the night before he met me he was planning on selling up and moving along way away for a fresh start and now he don’t want to do that he wants me with no labels .., we are just seeing each other weekends for now because I’ve been on my own for so long and my ex husband cheated on me also ..... I am really scared of getting hurt too.. his actions tell me he wants a relationship but his words are different ... he’s coming to meet my children tomorrow he really wants to and to make sure they are happy with me staying at his house 2 nights a week , my children are 21 19 16 13 and 7 so they can look after them selves ... it’s a really nice feeling to have someone that you can tell how much they like you by how they touch you. My question is how can I get him to admit what he wants ... I would be devastated if I’m reading the signs wrong

Hi OP, the highlighted bits above don't really go together.

GingerLily

Busylovinife wrote: »

.... my children are 21 19 16 13 and 7 so they can look after them selves ...

I still cannot get over this line - what do you mean a 7 year old can look after themselves? Or do you mean you expect your older children to be the surrogate parents of the younger children?

rainbowtrout

Busylovinife wrote: »

he’s coming to meet my children tomorrow he really wants to and to make sure they are happy with me staying at his house 2 nights a week , my children are 21 19 16 13 and 7 so they can look after them selves ... it’s a really nice feeling to have someone that you can tell how much they like you by how they touch you.

I've never read such a selfish line in my life on here. So you are happy to ditch your children 2 nights a week to go and have sex with a guy who says he's not your boyfriend and ye not in a relationship? Do you think your 7 year old will be properly washed, dressed and fed and have a packed lunch ready for school the next morning on their own, while you have your legs wrapped around your new bit of stuff? Do you think it's the older teenagers responsibility to do this now?

As for knowing that he likes you by how he touches you... he's had sex with you and told you he doesn't want to label it. People don't go on with that crap if they want a relationship. He might like you and you might like how he touches you but he's not committing to anything. Generally I feel sorry for your children being dragged into this mess.

ANDREWMUFC

Unless the father is there to mind the kids whilst the weekend of riding is going on, I wouldn’t introduce him just yet

Big Bag of Chips

I really hope you see these replies before you introduce him to your children. And I hope you take note of them. You asked for advice, and the advice you got was unanimous. Although I have a feeling that you will be led by him because "he's really fit and good looking". You even say he's coming to meet them "he really wants to". That's irrelevant. You are the only person who should be making that decision. Not him. He doesn't know them. He has no emotional connection to them. He can walk in and walk back out of their lives easily without any attack of conscience. This is not his decision and it is completely irrelevant what he "really wants". Are you being led by him, against your own better judgement? Have you told your family and friends you're together? If you're not public "as a couple" then why involve your children?

I read here one time that you should hear what a person is telling you, rather than what you think they are saying. He is telling you very clearly he doesn't want a relationship with you. Yet you think he doesn't mean it. And you are basing this on how he touches you. A touch is just a touch. And is likely to be a touch he has used many times before. May even be a touch he continues to use with others while you are seeing him. After 2 months you can't possibly know him well enough to fully trust and believe his motivations.

Meeting your children at this stage shouldn't even be a consideration with so much uncertainty around what the status of your "relationship" actually is.

Wesser

You can't ' get ' people to admit what they want. They have to reach that moment themselves.

Ursus Horribilis

Busylovinife wrote: »

He told me last night that his wife of 20 years hurt him that much that he is afraid of being hurt again...

Ah, that old chestnut... I've seen many a thread here where the "afraid of getting hurt" line has been trotted out. When in reality the man wasn't all that interested in a relationship and just wanted something casual. Do you ever go on dates or anywhere that doesn't involve sex at the end?

SimpleDimples

The more I think about this, the crazier it seems.

A stranger (still a stranger to you after just 8 weeks & most definitely a stranger to your children) calling over to see if your kids are happy with you staying at his two times a week. Like wtf?

How you think it's in anyway appropriate for him to meet them or have any discussion with them about your sleeping arrangements is beyond me. Some of them are still very young.

The 'they can take care of themselves' comment is also alarming given their age etc.

It appears that you have gotten completely swept up in this due to good sex & the odd compliment after going years without & lost all basic common sense as a result.

He seems more than a little odd too - single man with no kids wanting to meet your 5 so soon and without commiting to you.

Put the breaks on!

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, OP, I think it's really telling of where your head is at at the minute that the whole meeting your children thing wasn't the purpose of your post and was only mentioned in passing. Your actual issue was how to get him to say that he wanted to be in a relationship with you.

Your head has been completely turned, and it is really clouding what I hope is your better judgement.

BelovedAunt

Busylovinife wrote: »

my children are 21 19 16 13 and 7 so they can look after them selves

In what world can a 7 year old look after himself/herself?

leggo

Woah guys, relax. Before you start an online witch hunt, keep in mind the OP could've just communicated poorly. I doubt she meant her 7-year old can look after itself, it’s way more likely she meant the older ones can babysit occasionally, which isn’t as unreasonable and doesn’t make her a selfish parent. She’s raised 5 kids as a single parent and is dipping her toes back into dating for the first time in forever and is getting a bit swept away in getting to have feelings of her own for once, I really, REALLY doubt that the OP is a selfish parent and that’s a careless, hurtful remark to make to someone without perspective.

As far as the rest guys, BBOC hit the nail on the head with their post, as per usual. Nothing to add there I just hate online witch hunts and wanted to add balance.

okiss

SimpleDimples wrote:

You know him 8 weeks, you aren't in a relationship?

My advice to you is that you wait for longer before introducing this man to your children. You just know him 8 weeks. He is not willing to say your in a relationship but wants to meet your kids. Do you want your kids to know about him when you don't know him well yet? He is not willing to say he is in a relationship with you but your still willing to have him meet your kids, possibly stay over night with you? I can imagine how hard it was for you bring up 5 kids on your own for what ever reason. Perhaps this the 1st man you have been involved with in the past number of years. You want your family to know about him but I think you better off waiting to see what happens with him. Give him time to decide what he wants and have a cut off date in your mind that if he is not willing to say your in a relationship and introducing you to his family and friends your telling him that he is either in a proper relationship or he can get lost.

You need to give yourself time to know this man, meet his friends ect before you get him involved with your children. This man does not have children/teenagers of his own. He might think they will be happy to have me staying with their mother but their is no guarantee of this. You don't want your children upset due to this man coming into their lives and leaving quickly as he realises that family life is not easy.

Your youngest child is only 7 and they might be happy or sad when they know your in a relationship. The older children will want to see you happy. You don't want to bring someone into your kids lives until your sure where you stand with him. If he is pushing you to meet the kids just say you want time to see where things are going between your first before he meets the kids.

justfillmein

leggo wrote: »

Woah guys, relax. Before you start an online witch hunt, keep in mind the OP could've just communicated poorly. I doubt she meant her 7-year old can look after itself, it’s way more likely she meant the older ones can babysit occasionally, which isn’t as unreasonable and doesn’t make her a selfish parent. She’s raised 5 kids as a single parent and is dipping her toes back into dating for the first time in forever and is getting a bit swept away in getting to have feelings of her own for once, I really, REALLY doubt that the OP is a selfish parent and that’s a careless, hurtful remark to make to someone without perspective.

this^

& maybe lay off abusing a woman for having sex.

nobody has asked who is minding the kids, it could have been their father.
& what is the problem with her two ADULT CHILDREN looking after their siblings?
doubt there would be any worry for her kids if she went to tesco's two nights a week but because she's off having sex. jesus.

although there were great points made regarding him meeting the kids and i'd fully agree with those