My mother won't loose weight and has an unhealthy lifestyle.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

This may be an extremely trivial thing to some people. However, it has me quite worried.

So my mother is 17 stone which I believe it's that healthy and her diet is nothing short of a disgrace!

A bit of background. So before I was born when my parents got married about 30 years ago. Both my parents were a healthy weight of 10-11 stone, my mother worked and cycled to work, while she was working she became pregnant with my older brother. She had my brother and was diagnosed with colitis shortly after. So she went on sick leave and eventually give up work altogether. She has never worked since, but has raised myself, 2 other brothers and my sister who is the youngest at 15. Fair enough. My father has always told me that she has always had a bad diet and doctors have told her that this mostly contributed to her colitis. Although, it seems to have been extremely mild for her as she got better after she was put on her first dose of medication.

Now today, My mother is 53 an weighs 17 stone as I said. She doesn't eat breakfast, eats dinner occasionally maybe 2/3 times a week. She eats far too much fast food and food high in saturated fat. At home her main food is chocolate, rice pudding or toast or bread and butter and tea. She has also become extremely lazy over the years. She does no house work, the house is in sh1t most of the time. Although myself and my father does the house work, I have no problem helping out at home, although I feel that by doing the house work for is leaving my mother with the excuse not to do it then. But when the house is clean, my mother doesn't maintain it.

I have often pleaded with her to do some house work, but comes up with some excuse that she is sick or tired. She does get iron injections once a week, although I know that her excuses are just her way of justifying her laziness. She is also on any depressants as she suffers from depression. But the medication helps.

We got a dog 4 years ago, to try to encourage her to become more physically active. But the dog has got arthritis now and she only walks half a mile and walks at an such a slow speed that it isn't impacting positively on her fitness. There is no point her walking such a short distance.

What she does during the day is, while she's at home. She sits and watches television all day. Then in the evening she brings the dog on the short walk, but not every single day. She goes to town twice a week and does the a shopping. Most of is frozen food and sweets, chocolate.

She has join some fitness classes, only to have given up half way through them. She really isn't bothered about her health in the slightest. I have become blue in the face sometimes trying my best to advice her on her diet/weight, health and fitness. But she comes out with something stupid like "Oh are you in a bad mood?" it drives me insane that she doesn't listen. My father and the rest of my family members have given up on her. I thought that she would change her attitude towards her health in 2007, when her mother passed away from cancer at 70. But no this didn't happen.

I adore my mother. Herself and my father are my best friends. They both help me out and I do my best to help them. I just don't want to to lose my mother, or for something to happen to her. As I know I will regret and have to live with it. But I find this whole situation extremely stressful, as she just doesn't listen to me or makes up excuses. I am still living at home, so I can try to help her to a certain existent. But she seems to have no interest herself.

Sorry for the really long post. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Ursus Horribilis

Has your mother ever gone for counselling or therapy? The doctor obviously thinks she's depressed if she's being prescribed pills but I'd like to think other help is available for her. Has anyone ever tried to get to the bottom of why she's now in this condition. People who become this large don't usually do so because they love eating lots of junk. I bet if someone was to ask her how she feels about herself, she'd not have a lot good to say about it. Nobody who's 17 stone looks in the mirror and likes what they see. I bet she feels awful, hates how she looks, isn't happy with her life and then on top of that is being nagged.

I felt sorry for your mum as I read through this. I try to look at both sides of an issue when I answer these posts. I very much understand where you're coming from but I'm also looking at this from your mum's point of view. It must be horrific for her to be harangued and criticised. As you can see, it's not working. She's pushing against it and perhaps it's feeding into her problems.

How much do you and the rest of the family do to actually help her? Is she the only one doing the cooking? Does anyone come with her when she's walking the dog? How about when she did those exercise classes? What I'm getting at is that your mum seems to be left left to her own devices when it comes to these things and it's not helping. Would it help if you and some of the others tried cooking healthy meals? (Google Slimming World "low syn" or "syn free" meals). If you invited her to go walking, would she come? Would someone come along to the fitness classes? Or to a Slimming World/Weight Watchers meeting? Losing weight is a long-term project and it's not easy. She'll need help and encouragement.

Also, is your mum lonely? Are there friends/relatives you could encourage to come visit and cheer her up? If she's sitting watching TV all day it can't be good for her head. Being with people she likes would do her mental health a lot of good.

I don't know if her GP can talk to your dad but I wonder is there anything that could be suggested to him/her? Perhaps if the GP has something practical to offer to her next time she's in, it could help change things. It's a long shot though.

In my view you need to simply accept your mother the way that she is. Stop trying to control her.

Ironically it's impossible for people to feel safe enough to make a change until they feel completely accepted. Being nagged and criticised constantly, even if it comes from a good place, will just erode her self esteem to nothing.

LegacyUser

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Has your mother ever gone for counselling or therapy? The doctor obviously thinks she's depressed if she's being prescribed pills but I'd like to think other help is available for her. Has anyone ever tried to get to the bottom of why she's now in this condition. People who become this large don't usually do so because they love eating lots of junk. I bet if someone was to ask her how she feels about herself, she'd not have a lot good to say about it. Nobody who's 17 stone looks in the mirror and likes what they see. I bet she feels awful, hates how she looks, isn't happy with her life and then on top of that is being nagged.

She has only gone to counselling when her father died of a heart attack over 20 years ago. She never went to counselling for anything else. She is on the anti-depressants for years. Oh, yes of course, I agree. I do tell her that there are services out there. But I think that she dosn't want to make use of these services. As she finds the medication works for her.

I also agree that she loves junk food. She also doesn't have the dedication or discipline to lose wait. Also, I really don't think she cares enough to lose weight or eat healthier. She says that she is happy, but I know I know that if she had the discipline to lose weight or eat healthier she would. But due to a lack of discipline, she isn't bothered. But I think also, that she is just so used to being the weight she is and eating what she eats. It's easier for her to carry on this lifestyle, than changing As, I previously said, she is also quite lazy. I am being honest about her here and I don't think there is any point not been, as I can't seek the help here. If I'm not providing all the information.

As for the nagging. I try my best to to make suggestions and advise her on the issues. But it's extremely frustrating that she doesn't listen. But the longer I spend trying to advise her, the conversation tends to get heated. But, the majority of the time I just stop talking before it gets to that sage. At the end of the day, I only want what's best for her and he have her alive as long as possible. My biggest worrie, is that something will happen to her.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I felt sorry for your mum as I read through this. I try to look at both sides of an issue when I answer these posts. I very much understand where you're coming from but I'm also looking at this from your mum's point of view. It must be horrific for her to be harangued and criticised. As you can see, it's not working. She's pushing against it and perhaps it's feeding into her problems.

Again, I only want her to be alive as long as possible. But you're completely right when you say that she is pushing against it and this is indeed feeding the problem.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

How much do you and the rest of the family do to actually help her? Is she the only one doing the cooking? Does anyone come with her when she's walking the dog? How about when she did those exercise classes? What I'm getting at is that your mum seems to be left left to her own devices when it comes to these things and it's not helping. Would it help if you and some of the others tried cooking healthy meals? (Google Slimming World "low syn" or "syn free" meals). If you invited her to go walking, would she come? Would someone come along to the fitness classes? Or to a Slimming World/Weight Watchers meeting? Losing weight is a long-term project and it's not easy. She'll need help and encouragement.

My other brother and sister who is 21 and 16 dose nothing, they is actually quite similar to my mother. My brother comes home from work in the evening and lies in bed on the IPAD. He does also, go out at night on the weekend and spends his money on drink. My parents do also worry about him. The sister doesn't do anything either, she does be away at the boy friends house or in bed on the Iphone. She goes out sometimes and The parents have found vodka in her room on two occasions last year.

The Parents do worry about them both when they are out. The brother wouldn't call or text to let them know he wouldn't be home either. Sometimes, he drives home or get a taxi. He wouldn't be drinking or driving. But he'd be in some state when he'd get a taxi. Back in 2015, he was drinking on Christmas eve, came home a 12am and got sick in the bed. My sister is collected by me, my father or my mother when she goes out. So she doesn't drink alot. But does drink and shouldn't at her age IMO.

But, I don't understand the brother and sisters mentality, ask my parent help them out so much and they don't do anything. My mother gets up 7am every morning with out fail and makes the brother his sandwiches for work. I tell her that she shouldn't and that he doesn't show any gratitude towards her for doing this. But she doesn't listen. She claims it is her job. My father lends my brother money when he is short. But he pays him back. Which is only expected.

As for my sister, the parents do alot for her as well. They bring and collect her from discos and the boy friends and gives her money when ever she is going away. She (the sister) does be away alot and too much if you ask me. The mother bought her jewellery for her school ball last week and I said to her if she thanked the mother for it. She said "Oh, sure she got it on sale". So she didn't even thank her for it. The sister got work experience a few weeks ago in homebase. She was offered some part-time work on the week ends and she told the manager that she didn't want it.

She knows that the parents give her any amount of money that she wants. So she didn't take the job. I asked her about it and she said "Oh I didn't take it, as it's illegal for me to work at sixteen". But I know full well, that wasn't the real reason at all. She was never trained to work and is also lazy. So why would she work, when she is been funded by the parents. Again, I suggested that she should have taken the job, but I was told to "mind my own business". I replied, to my parents that "it's their responsibility to get her to do work, even some house work to make her earn the money that she is given by my parent s would be good". But this also ignored. Nothing has been said since about it.

So all this about the brother and sister maybe not helping the problem...

But if I am honest, both my brother and sister warn't brought up properly. But that's my parent's fault. I tell them what they should do, like getting the brother and sister to do some house work etc. But my father gets annoyed with me and says "They are not your responsibility, so stay out of it!". But what I say is only trying to help, as I can see that ignoring the problem isn't working. The brother and sister have no respect for the parents. They do nothing around the house. As the parents have never really expected them to do anything. Therefore, the parents don't ask them to do anything and just say that they are "useless". They also hope that the brother decides to go to America or Australia in the future, as this will make him more independent and that they won't have the responsibility of him anymore. But they also do want to see him getting on and doing well and surviving on his own.

My other brother who is 19, does help out and he would be similar to me. He, my father and myself help my mother with the cooking and cleaning. For example, my older brother came home from San Francisco with his wife on the 22nd of December last and the house was in such a state, that my brother, my father and myself cleaned it from top to bottom. While my sister other other brother (21) and mother sat around and done nothing! They didn't even say the work we done was good. Just ignored what was done.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Also, is your mum lonely? Are there friends/relatives you could encourage to come visit and cheer her up? If she's sitting watching TV all day it can't be good for her head. Being with people she likes would do her mental health a lot of good

Oh I forgot to mention that she goes to bingo every Monday night and then she enjoys going to town twice a week. I don't think she is lonely if I'm honest. She might pop into the aunt now and again when she's in town.

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I don't know if her GP can talk to your dad but I wonder is there anything that could be suggested to him/her? Perhaps if the GP has something practical to offer to her next time she's in, it could help change things. It's a long shot though.

This is something I was thinking. The doctor has told her in the past that exercise etc. is very important. But I'm not sure if she said directly to my mother to loose weight. I'll be in with the doctor in 2 weeks or so. So I'll mention it then.

Thanks very much for the reply. Even seen this from other peoples point of view is good.

LegacyUser

Mystery Egg wrote: »

In my view you need to simply accept your mother the way that she is. Stop trying to control her.

Ironically it's impossible for people to feel safe enough to make a change until they feel completely accepted. Being nagged and criticised constantly, even if it comes from a good place, will just erode her self esteem to nothing.

I see what you're saying. But I'm just so fearful of something happening her. I couldn't imagine life with my mother not around. While accepting her the way she is, I'd find it very hard to live with myself if something did happen. I'd feel awful for not doing more to help her.

But I wish there were some way that it's click with her to change. As, we haven't spoken about this the last few months and nothing has changed.

Thanks for your reply. It's appreciated.

JuliusCaesar

It seems that you are overly involved in your family. Do you work? Do you study? Have you ever thought of moving out?

Your father is right to say it's not your business how they rear your brother and sister. They are not actively harming them. Maybe, by helping around the house, you are facilitating your mother?

njs030

Your post is about what you want and how you feel and that you're scared... What does your mum want, how does she feel, what is she worried about?

It's her life and her health not yours and as much as you're trying to help her (and I know you're doing it from a good place) you're being very pushy and talking at her instead of talking to her and letting her make her decisions.
If she doesn't want to lose weight it's her choice, but maybe she does, drop the subject and talk to her about other things and let her bring up the subject if and when she's ready to. If she wants your help she can ask for it.

BrokenWingz

Nothing you can say will motivate your mother to lose weight (or start doing housework). She is content with her life as it is and I suspect sees no reason to change anything. All you can do is express your concern for her health, but she has to want to make changes for herself.

charlietheminxx

You’re 30. Move out and live your own life.

I get you’re trying to help your mother but your tactics aren’t working. How do you even know what she weighs? Do you not think you’re overly involved? It sounds like your actually trying to parent her and 2 of your siblings. You’re worried about other people’s health but it doesn’t sound like this situation is healthy for you OP or beneficial to anyone else.

Maybe your mam would also do better without being enabled and then nagged and guilted?

You don’t seem to respect that doing anything when you have depression is so difficult. I don’t think your mother deserves to be called lazy when she’s still managing to function and get some things done, just because you wish she was doing them differently. Better for her to be going out and buying frozen food than staying in bed all day. She’s managing things in her own way, ir might not be ideal but it’s really hard and judgement is the last thing she needs.

Your posts read like you spend a lot of time analysing your mother and your brother and sister and have a lot of negative opinions about their behaviour and how it falls short of your expectations. I think at this stage you need to focus on yourself and your own life.

LegacyUser

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

It seems that you are overly involved in your family. Do you work? Do you study? Have you ever thought of moving out?

Your father is right to say it's not your business how they rear your brother and sister. They are not actively harming them. Maybe, by helping around the house, you are facilitating your mother?

That is true, that I am overly involved. Although, I only want what's best for them! I completed my honours degree last May. Towards last January 2016, I bacame ill and shortly after I graduated. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. I got work last June, however, I no longer like the industry that I studied in. So I am looking to change career. Due to stress, anxiety and depression due to the crohn's I have been off work the last 7 weeks. Although I am still employed there.

I haven't fully decided on what career I really want. So there wouldn't be much point moving out. While living a shoe string lifestyle.

I agree, with the last two points. However, I don't feel that my brother and sister have been provided with the same opportunities as me, to do so well in life. I always thought that my brother would have been the one to go to college, Get the degree etc. While I would dropped out of college half way through first year and sent the grant on drink. Like what he has done. Although, I see now, that I am a lot more ambitious than him. He really just lives for the weekend so to speak.

I do help her around the house. I don't mind that. It keeps me occupied. While I am not working. But I guess that she is thinking. That, if someone is doing her house work. Why should she?

notjustsweet wrote: »

Your post is about what you want and how you feel and that you're scared... What does your mum want, how does she feel, what is she worried about?

It's her life and her health not yours and as much as you're trying to help her (and I know you're doing it from a good place) you're being very pushy and talking at her instead of talking to her and letting her make her decisions.
If she doesn't want to lose weight it's her choice, but maybe she does, drop the subject and talk to her about other things and let her bring up the subject if and when she's ready to. If she wants your help she can ask for it.

My mother is happy enough to carry on the way she is. She is extremely worried about my brother and sister, when they go out. So I suppose they are her main focus.

That's a good point. But, I have given her the opportunity to worry about her health on her own. But she doesn't! It's only when she will becomes very sick that she will become concerned. By then it'll be too late.

LegacyUser

BrokenWingz wrote: »

Nothing you can say will motivate your mother to lose weight (or start doing housework). She is content with her life as it is and I suspect sees no reason to change anything. All you can do is express your concern for her health, but she has to want to make changes for herself.

That's exactly the issue here!

charlietheminxx wrote: »

You’re 30. Move out and live your own life.

I get you’re trying to help your mother but your tactics aren’t working. How do you even know what she weighs? Do you not think you’re overly involved? It sounds like your actually trying to parent her and 2 of your siblings. You’re worried about other people’s health but it doesn’t sound like this situation is healthy for you OP or beneficial to anyone else.

Maybe your mam would also do better without being enabled and then nagged and guilted?

You don’t seem to respect that doing anything when you have depression is so difficult. I don’t think your mother deserves to be called lazy when she’s still managing to function and get some things done, just because you wish she was doing them differently. Better for her to be going out and buying frozen food than staying in bed all day. She’s managing things in her own way, ir might not be ideal but it’s really hard and judgement is the last thing she needs.

Your posts read like you spend a lot of time analysing your mother and your brother and sister and have a lot of negative opinions about their behaviour and how it falls short of your expectations. I think at this stage you need to focus on yourself and your own life.

I'm 24,

I am currently on sick leave. I also, want to decide on a career that I am happy with before I do move out. I Know, at 24 it's abit odd to be still living at home. If things worked out in the start I would love to be moved out. However, it didn't happen unfortunately.

I know what she weighs, as she occasionally weighed herself here at home. I agree, that I am overly involved. But no one else seems to care about anything! It's not healthy for me at all.

That last point is interesting. I've never looked at it like that! he certainly does her best. There is no doubt about that. I have a friend, who lost his mother at 24 2 years ago, due to health problem. It's just something that I don't want to happen to me. He, told me previously that he didn't do much in terms of trying to convince her, to be more active etc. So he lives with this guilt. It was this chat we had, that made me become concerned then about my mother.

LegacyUser

While I do feel your heart is in the right place I really think you should back off your whole family. In my personal opinion, you're trying to dictate what you see to be acceptable behaviour, weight etc. If I lived with you I'd probably retreat to my room too straight after work or school rather than walking on eggshells for fear of being criticised unnecessarily.

I don't mean for this post to sound harsh, I just think your overanalysis of your family is unhealthy for you and them both.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, the best thing you can do for yourself is get your health together and move out as soon as you can. I wonder is that over-involvement in the workings of your parents' house contributing towards your ill-health? While I don't doubt that your concern for your mother is coming from a good place and that you mean well, you've overstepped the mark in a big way. Most of what you've mentioned here isn't any of your business and you're in danger of coming across as overbearing at home. I wonder what the rest of your family would think if they read what you've written?

Regarding your mother, I'm afraid there is absolutely nothing you can do. Your friend is deluding himself if he thinks he could've helped his mother. The will to change has to come from the person themselves. Not from doctors, not from family members, not from anybody under the sun. I know smokers who continued to smoke even after they'd developed emphysema. Someone who was obese and continued to gain weight even after a surgeon told them they were too heavy to survive an operation they needed. Famously, George Best continued to drink like a fish even after he'd been given a new liver. The self-destruct trait in people is strong and no words can change that. Perhaps if you were kinder to your mother and didn't make her feel like she was on trial every time she eats something bad, it might help a little bit. Accept her for who she is and stop judging her. If you continue with your current way, you'll find yourself regretting that you weren't kinder to her.