Terrible year struggling to move on.

pinkyx

Last year was the worst year of my life for me and I am struggling to get past certain things that happened. Firstly my mum, who is all of my immediate family and who I am very close to, almost died on at least one occasion. She is very sick and has been for a while now, she had one life threatening illness which she is being treated for and another serious condition that has her disabled and in need of daily care. She was a healthy woman up until about 2 years ago now she would need to go into her home if it wasn't for me moving home to look after her and how long she actually had left to live is still very uncertain. Last year I also lost my beloved 17 year old cat and had my aunt who I am close to, struggle with Alzeimers. It was a truly terrible year and to make matters far worse my relationship with my long term boyfriend who I loved very much fell to pieces. All of this was nearly to much for me to bear.
Last year, my mums health reached crisis point and I had to leave my job and move home to look after her, this meant leaving the city I lived in to live in a rural location which I don't like, leaving many friends, leaving my flat, my job, my lifestyle and crucially my boyfriend of 6.5 years. This is the part that I am struggling with most of all and feel I have unresolved issues with. 
I had many plans with him, we were going to have a baby this year (I'm 34 and have wanted that for a while) we planned to move to a new city together and buy a house. I was certain we would be together forever and that we were deeply in love like I had never been before.
Now when my mum fell really ill and I had to go back at first he was supportive, we made a plan for him to come up here and live with my mum for a while until we could get ourselves sorted and move on somewhere else like we planned, I thought he was happy with the plan, i knew it was a changed but i thought we had found a way to get round it regarding his work and make it work for both of us. He couldn't come immediately and couldn't afford the rent our old place on his own so I continued paying half the rent for around 6 months after I left in a very expensive city, when i had left my job and had no in come and a lot of stress in my life. I did this because I loved him and I knew he couldn't manage without me and I wanted to be fair to him an make it easier for him. But this was a big burden for me financially and on my savings. He didn't have to take that money.
Then something terrible happened. While I was away looking after my mum, going through sheer hell. His personality and attitude started to change totally. I noticed he was less keen to talk to me for the first time in his life, he started drinking a lot more and there was some drug use. When i left him he started hanging around with different people, I had always knows he was quite easily lead, but i didnt see this coming. Over the coming months the relationship became abusive in some, he was very aggressive to me on at least two occasions when under the influence on drugs/alcohol. He started dissapearing on me, there was one occasion where my mum was rushed to hospital and I couldn't contact him because he had gone AWOL, I was so scared for him and my mum at the same time. He started saying he wasn't sure he wanted to come to my place and be with me, but the next minute he still loved me and wanted to fix it. he said he loved me all the way through, we were still sleeping together when we were together.
I suspected he was cheating on me, I checked his messages at one stage (not something I am proud of but I had to know) and found that he had been heavily flirting and receiving sexually graphic pictures with a woman who I knew was chasing after him. My world fell apart right there but I was so weak at the time that I let him convince me that what I had seen was the extent of it and it was just a bit of drunken texting that got out of hand. He didn't convince me really, I was just lying to myself I couldn't bear the truth that he was cheating with her. I already knew she had been throwing herself at him and I knew that he was weak enough to let it happen.
Anyway it came to a head when I was down for his birthday,  had left my poor mum at home with my cousin looking after here which was stressful enough for me as it was. He was horrible to me all night, flirting with other women in front of me, taking drugs, going missing in the bar for about half an hour with explaination, being very rude and disinterested in me, then he did something I never expected. He threw something at me in the street, he was off his face at the time, it was only a small act of violence and apparently he only meant to get my attention but it nearly broke me. I knew we had crossed a line that shouldnt be crossed. I knew he had absolutely no respect for me anymore and no intention of supporting me. I still dont know where this came from or how he can have done this to me after so many good years and me being so good to him. I was so vulnerable at the time.
It gets worse, the next morning before I left, I checked his phone again and found out the extent of his affair with the other women. He was sleeping with her regularly, he was telling her he loved here, he was planning trips away with her, he was telling both of us he loved us and sleeping with both of us. Of course he was, I knew he was, it was obvious, he is not that smart. 
Now I have not spoken to him for several months. I packed my backs and walked out on him and everything I had there. It was the last I had of my old life which I loved. I have got better over the last few months, I have got on with things, gone back to college and taken up a new hobby. On the inside I still have a great sadness that I cant shake , the christmas period has had me thinking about him again and set me back a lot. 
I have thought on a few occasions recently that I could contact him and ask him a few questions about what happened. I know closure is overrated but i was with him for 6.5 years and I left so abruptly. I miss him terribly sometimes but I also hate him for the way he treated me, he is the biggest mistake of my life but also i still love and care about him. This is a horrible place to be right now. How do I get past this? Should I contact him?

Another day

Absolutely 100% NO! Why would you want to torment yourself? Could you actually believe anything he tells you? He already lied to you along and kept you hanging while he enjoyed the single life. A true partner would have supported you, been there for you. If he had any interest in salvaging your relationship or gave a damn, he would have contacted you, grovelled for your forgiveness and sought to sort himself out.

It's a new year. Make it your year. If you are hankering after him I would suggest finding a counsellor and talk things through. You have come through a really crap year, but you did succeed! Try and gather what support you need to look after your mum and live a little for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

bobsman

Absolutely do not entertain the idea of getting back with your ex. He sounds awful and to be honest, I think you are probably missing him because you are vulnerable. You have had an absolutely horrendous time. He is the last thing you need right now.

Ellie2008

I mean this in a supportive way OP but you have "closure" as you put it, he was your long term partner & not only was he not there for you when you needed him, he spent the time sleeping with another woman & the crowning glory he took money from you while he was at it! (Which frankly I'd want back!). To me he had disrespected you enough already long before he threw something at you.

You'll never regret precious time spent with your Mum. If you're struggling to move on I'd second the recommendation to go for counselling, what you need is a third party to help you work through these feelings, I think it would be more useful then going back to talk to an ex who has treated you with such disrespect.

Ursus Horribilis

Is there not a teency tiny part of you who wants "closure" so you can somehow restart this relationship?

I don't know where you're living (something tells me it's not in Ireland) but this is a horrible time of the year if you're feeling a bit down and lonely. The weather at the moment is pretty crappy and some days the sun barely bothers to rise. Christmas can be tough. Then no sooner is that over than Valentine's Day rears its ugly head. I wonder would you be thinking like this if was August?

Your boyfriend sounds awful and the only good thing to come out of this sorry story is that you learned what he was really like before it was too late. The cheating and the drug use and the all-round nastiness are a part of his nature. You just never picked up on them before this. I'm sure he had many nice qualities but the way he behaved once you'd moved away suggests he lacked backbone and integrity. He let you down badly at a time of your life when you needed help. What sort of person does that?

He was pretty good at lying to you all along so I don't expect he'll change his spots and be truthful here. Cheaters very rarely confess to more than they have to so you'll likely get a very watered down version of the truth. Instead of giving you closure, it's more likely to torment you even more.
As an aside, have you had an STI test? If he was having unprotected sex with this woman (and others?) he might have endangered your sexual health.

Ellie2008

Agree with the above poster. What does "closure" actually mean?! I also suspect a bit of you wants him back which I think is completely understandable after 6.5 years from an emotional standpoint, but you need the rational part of your brain to kick in & stand back.

Just because he didn't treat you well doesn't mean you are not worthy of such treatment, it's a reflection on him not you.

You get one life, spending it with him would IMO be a disservice to yourself. I've been there I was younger but devasted as the person was at the time my entire world it was like my oxygen had been limited severely. I got through it, so have many others, & so will you but possibly not if you keep picking at the sore. The only communication he should receive from you is a request for your money back as IMO he conned you out of it.

Tigger99

I know you are devastated that the relationship ended like this but why aren't you thanking your lucky stars that you saw it before you had a baby together?

Or that you thankfully didn't put him first and stay with him as your mam could gave passed away without you getting that precious time with her. Time you never ever could have gotten back.

It's probably hard to see it now but you've received two gifts. This idea of closure is a load of madey up American rubbish. We've all used it to justify meeting an ex when in fact we wanted to get back together. As another poster said, his treatment of you should be your closure.

Tigger99

Also easily lead is a kind way of saying he's a coward. Say you stayed, he may still have cheated anyways, or being violent again. There are no guarantees with that kind of ****ty behaviour.

Airyfairy12

Please dont contact him. It hurts now but it will get easier and getting in touch with him will only delay your own healing. You had a lucky escape from him, it doesnt feel like it now but you really did dodge a bullet. Imagine youd had a child with him? Youd be stuck with an abuse, cheating partner for the rest of your life. Anything is better than that.

Focus on building a new life yourself and also can you get a carer for your mam? They only come round once a day for a few hours but it could take some of the pressure off you.

pinkyx

Thanks guys, I know that you are all right.

The problem is that sometimes I miss him so much I can hardly cope, before this disaster, our relationship was mostly good. Very good at times. I loved him a huge amount and I thought he loved me the same. We both yes to talk about him lucky we were to have each other. God it’s so painful to think about now. He really broke my heart in a way that I don’t think I will ever recover from. Sometimes I just want him back in my life on some way, I don’t Want to be without him.

I think one of the things I am struggling to deal with. Is that I was so so wrong about him, I consider myself a good judge of character but I didn’t see this coming at all. I thought he was a good person who loved me, I am not saying our relationship was perfect but I juts did not see him being cruel like this to me. If I was so wrong about him, I could be wrong about others too, I don’t trust myself anymore.

Mrs Shuttleworth

pinkyx wrote: »

Thanks guys, I know that you are all right.

The problem is that sometimes I miss him so much I can hardly cope, before this disaster, our relationship was mostly good. Very good at times. I loved him a huge amount and I thought he loved me the same. We both yes to talk about him lucky we were to have each other. God it’s so painful to think about now. He really broke my heart in a way that I don’t think I will ever recover from. Sometimes I just want him back in my life on some way, I don’t Want to be without him.

I think one of the things I am struggling to deal with. Is that I was so so wrong about him, I consider myself a good judge of character but I didn’t see this coming at all. I thought he was a good person who loved me, I am not saying our relationship was perfect but I juts did not see him being cruel like this to me. If I was so wrong about him, I could be wrong about others too, I don’t trust myself anymore.

I've been looking after an elderly father and a disabled mother for six years and I work only part time. Have one sibling who is unsupportive at best and downright abusive at worst. It is a very difficult situation.

I had a short relationship two years ago in which I was seriously messed around. I was devastated but at this stage I've accepted that that side of life isnt for me - a weird thing happens when you deal single handedly with stressful situations unsupported for a lengthy period, when no partner is there to help you, and you navigate disaster after disaster, the idea of then dating someone starts to become repugnant. Your BS tolerance level is firmly fixed at zero.

This guy you're talking about clearly didn't want the whole package that you now come with, the ill mother, the aunt with Alzheimers. Most guys don't. They want sex and their ego massaged and no impositions. The psychic bond you have with this guy will fade and break and sooner than you think.

You have a much more important role set out for you, that is, looking after your Mum. Any love in your heart at this point should be sent solely in her direction. Nobody else in your life from what I can see deserves it.

Ursus Horribilis

Of course you're going to miss him terribly. It was a happy long-term relationship that you thought was good. You had built your life around him and you had all these plans. That's what has been living in your head for a long time. Next thing the whole lot is gone. You've been through a terrible year and instinctively you would've turned to him for support. Getting used to not having that is going to be very tough. It's particularly cruel that he let you down so badly when you needed him the most.

It's interesting you'd always felt he'd be easily led. That, and the way he went off the rails once you were out of sight suggest that you may have been the one keeping the lid on his bad behaviour. Perhaps the dominant partner in the relationship, even if you didn't know it. Had he ever used drugs before this or had he had to stop once he met you? In hindsight you had a lucky escape and avoided being tied forever to someone this weak.

You'll never regret the time you spend with your mother. Being a carer is very tough though and don't be afraid to look for help. You can't do this all alone. Like the others, I feel you would benefit from some counselling, even just for the experience of talking out loud to another human being.

pinkyx

Ursus Horriribilis, thanks for the reply. Yes I was the more dominant partner is the relationship in many ways, I was the one who had my career somewhat together, the one that was the post independent, the cleverest and one that made most of the decisions. I always knew this about myself but I didn't really mind and I didn't realise to what extent I was holding him together. When I left he seem to totally lose it and changed dramatically.
I did know that he had taken drugs when he was younger and he occasionally took them while he was with me. But I am talking about once or twice a year if that. It didn't bother me. But when I left, he started going out more he started hanging about more with a slightly differing crowd, including this woman who he had the affair with. I knew she fancied him I told him to be careful of her months before because it was clear to me that she was chasing him, so there is no saying he didn't know. Well this knew crowd were much more into partying and drug taking and he joined in with them, he had always liked a drink a bit more then i thought was healthy but when he started hanging around with them both his drinking and his drug use went through the roof.
Mrs Shuttleworth, it sounds like you are doing a great job looking after your parents, well done. But in a way, this is what I am most scared off. Letting caring for my mum take over my whole life and prevent me from having a partner or a family of my own. I want to look after my mum and I will no matter what it takes, but I am 34 and thought i was going to have my first baby this and until a few moths ago thought I had my partner for life sorted. I want that again. I just don't ow if I will get it now.

qwerty13

pinkyx wrote: »

Mrs Shuttleworth, it sounds like you are doing a great job looking after your parents, well done. But in a way, this is what I am most scared off. Letting caring for my mum take over my whole life and prevent me from having a partner or a family of my own. I want to look after my mum and I will no matter what it takes, but I am 34 and thought i was going to have my first baby this and until a few moths ago thought I had my partner for life sorted. I want that again. I just don't ow if I will get it now.

This is going to be hard to hear: you are right to be scared of this situation. And very scared of it.

I think I remember a thread of yours, where it became clear that your mother needed help, and you were struggling even then. It’s ok to struggle. To not be 100% ok with upending your life to care for a parent.

Practical stuff: you can’t do this alone, physically or mentally. Can family members help out? Get your public health nurse onside (which will lead to occupational therapy visits), get her gp onside. Ask (and pester) re what benefits/support you can get. Be prepared to ask and pester and fill in endless forms. Support is there, but it’s so hard to get access to it.

You also need support: from friends who can bend the ears off, or a counsellor.

Mrs Shuttleworth

pinkyx wrote: »

Ursus Horriribilis, thanks for the reply. Yes I was the more dominant partner is the relationship in many ways, I was the one who had my career somewhat together, the one that was the post independent, the cleverest and one that made most of the decisions. I always knew this about myself but I didn't really mind and I didn't realise to what extent I was holding him together. When I left he seem to totally lose it and changed dramatically.
I did know that he had taken drugs when he was younger and he occasionally took them while he was with me. But I am talking about once or twice a year if that. It didn't bother me. But when I left, he started going out more he started hanging about more with a slightly differing crowd, including this woman who he had the affair with. I knew she fancied him I told him to be careful of her months before because it was clear to me that she was chasing him, so there is no saying he didn't know. Well this knew crowd were much more into partying and drug taking and he joined in with them, he had always liked a drink a bit more then i thought was healthy but when he started hanging around with them both his drinking and his drug use went through the roof.
Mrs Shuttleworth, it sounds like you are doing a great job looking after your parents, well done. But in a way, this is what I am most scared off. Letting caring for my mum take over my whole life and prevent me from having a partner or a family of my own. I want to look after my mum and I will no matter what it takes, but I am 34 and thought i was going to have my first baby this and until a few moths ago thought I had my partner for life sorted. I want that again. I just don't ow if I will get it now.

Pinkyx I agree with the poster above, most hospitals have medical social workers who engage and support families when in situations like yours, I have always found them very kind and willing to assist. You need some trustworthy regular help. I empathise with you so much and your situation. You need to look after yourself and your own health first and foremost to be able to look after your Mum. Try not to worry too much about a notional future and take this easy, day by day.

<Mod Snipped - Forbidden request>

Much love to you

Mrs S
xx

bobsman

Op, it is only normal that your are missing your ex. You are grieving and you just allow yourself to grieve. This guy is absolutely no good for you. I promise, in time, you will see that too.

As another poster has said, you cannot do this alone. Please try to liaise with the hospital for support. Keep reaching out here too x

Neyite

Mod:

Mrs. Shuttleworth, welcome to Personal Issues. I've snipped your post as it contained a request that's forbidden according to our rules in our charter. Please have a read of them, there's a link in my signature.

Goldenlady

Hi OP, firstly my heart goes out to you, dealing with all that at once. Its such a tough time. Firstly, speaking from experience, you will not regret the time you have cared for your mom. I similarly went through a breakup at 34 and spent the next 3 years minding my mom essentially, hanging out with her at week ends (In her wheelchair) and felt like you... would I end up living my whole life for my mom.
My mom passed away in October, and I tell you I would do it all again. I have not one regret spending that time with her. I have a partner for the last 12 months and we are expecting a baby for the summer, so all is great on that front, but I am so glad I got to spend that time with my mom. My Old relationship was a long term one, almost 9 years, I went through that heartache... but now I look back and am thankful I wasn't consumed it the wrong relationship.
I know you have given up a lot to move home, but I honestly would do it all in a heartbeat and if It meant another 10 years I would happily do it... unfortunately I don't have this option now.
Keep the spirits up xx

okiss

It is not an easy situation you are dealing with. You have had to make major changes to your life in order to care for your mother. You spoke to your boyfriend about these and he seemed willing to move near where you and your mother live. Within a short period of time he let you down and expected you to still pay half of the rent costs of where he was still living. He knew you wanted a baby and you him had talked about it. Now x-period of time later you dealing with caring for your mother, your relationship has ended and the life you planned with him is finished.

At this stage I would contact him and get the money you gave him towards the rent you paid when you left. He was cheeky asking you for this when he knew you were moving home to care for your mother. As a result of this you had to leave your job. I know that the caring allowance you get from the state is not much.

I would advise you to contact your local public health nurse and see if you could get some help with your mother each day or if you could get some respite care for her. It important that you have some time on your own. You can't mind someone else if you don't mind yourself.

From what you said about your ex-partner re the drinking and drug taking you have had a lucky escape. He also sounds like a man who was immature and I don't think he would have coped with a pregnant woman or a baby. Sometimes things happen for a reason and you can't see why at the time but over a period of time it becomes clear to you that perhaps better things were waiting for you.

I watched a friend of mine in a similar position to you with a man she knew for a long time. She wanted a proper relationship with him but he was keeping his options open. She advised him that they both needed to lose a bit of weight due to health reasons. He refused to listen to what she said. The waring signs were their with him due to a few things and her friends said what they noticed about him. This man cut off contact with her after she caught him lying to her about a few things.
My friend was very upset over the whole thing.

Now a few years later my friend is in a far better position. She lost a few stone weight and is in better health. She has more friends and is making long term plans. Meanwhile the man who rejected her is now morbidly obese and she has heard via someone she knows he has a long term health condition. She also found out that he had a baby with a woman he knew for a short period of time.
Last year one of her friends saw this man and told her it is only a matter of time before he has a heart attack due to his size.

My friend said to me I was so upset over all that happened at the time but I am glad I did not end up with him as long term I could have had a misserable life.

Your doing the right thing looking after your mother. Just make sure you get a brake, keep in contact with friends and have an odd night out. You could meet a decent man and have a family with him. I feel that better things are coming for you and I hope you have a good 2018.

qwerty13

I’d also advise posting on a local forum on Facebook re finding a carer. You may well find someone who can’t commit to whole days, but may be happy to have an arrangement for the morning after they drop their kids to school.

Agency prices are around late 20s per hour in my experience, but if you can meet someone who can do caring at a time/hours that suits you both, that generally works out hugely cheaper. Downside of that is that there’s no back-up though.

I can’t stress enough how this is necessary for your own wellbeing. Being honest, I was a nicer carer to my parent when I had help. Before I had help, I know I got fed up and narky some of the time. Not proud of that, but if I’m honest, I was pissed off and a bit angry, and was not as patient or forgiving as I hoped I’d be.