Financial Differences

LegacyUser

So, met a great guy! He's wonderful, we're dating 3 months and have already met each others families etc. Over Christmas we bonded a lot more and it's really great - warm and fluffy etc.

Now although I have a really good job, nice home that I bought (and accompanying mortgage), good car and all that I don't appear to have anywhere near the same amount of disposable income that he does.

He seems to want to pay for a lot of stuff and that's lovely - but actually I'd like to pay for a bit more - however he books these really amazing places and I could afford that once a month but not on the regular. Whenever I get to suggest where we go I always insist on paying and he lets me without arguement, I've also paid for drinks and coffees and the smaller stuff. I did at the very beginning offer to pay my half when it was his fancy places but he didn't let me (much to my relief, being honest).

So over the break we went away for 2 nights, he booked it and surprised me, then he paid for everything; drinks, coffees, food, snacks.... and I didn't really get a look in - but it was his treat to me, but now I am wishing I had pushed a bit harder to contribute more.

It hasn't caused any issues whatsoever between us and things are great but he's talking about another weekend away next month and I would really like to pay for myself but I guess I'm a little unsure in the way i reveal that I don't have the means to go to whatever place I'm sure he's thinking of taking me to. The thing is, if I say "Oh I want to contribute so maybe lets go somewhere a little less expensive as I don't have a lot of cash right now" I'm pretty sure he will be totoally understanding but will take that as a cue to insist on paying for everything again and I REALLY want to pay for myself because I think that in the long term - if this is to work, I want to be an equal part in the relationship and I'd never want to risk him feeling like he was taken advantage of or like I am dependent, that's my worst nightmare really. I also don't want him to feel like he needs to slum it if he's used to all this luxury!

From a guys point of view - should a girl insist on contributing? Are you secretly hoping she will? Or, is it offensive if you are trying to treat her?

I'm not insecure about my finances, I think I've done really well to get to where I'm at now and I'm not trying to portray myself to have any more than I do so it's not an issue letting him know - I don't think he'll care too much honestly but I don't ever want him to feel like I need to be supported either. Before he came along I was managing perfectly fine for quite a while so I guess, it's my independence I'm protecting here.

Any insights into the male viewpoint would be greatly appreciated!!!!

Rekop dog

I think it's a conversation best had with him to be honest, like any sort of relationship good communication is the key. I know financial discussions can have an awkward nature so probably best just trying to drop it in casually enough.

Perhaps he may be relieved as might think he needs to constantly splash out to impress you.

Is his spending at the expense of other things in his life or is it disposable income on top of his own mortgage ect?

But if it's the case he's quite wealthy and likes to spend it on nice things for you both I think you need to find a level of comfort with that and not get too insecure about the disparity in incomes. I'm sure he can tell the difference between an appreciative woman who likes him for him from a potential money grabbing one.

jimbobalob309

sounds like he's used to a more extravagent type of lifestyle than you, is he on a much higher salary or just a bit "sure we might all die tomorrow" about money? has he been as responsible as you with his money as in own home and car and savings, taking care of bills first type of thing? thatd be my number one concern with someone who was a bit flashy like that as i wouldn't say it's necessarily something i'd encounter a lot

Katgurl

I would lay it out to him exactly as you've said it above.

Airyfairy12

From my own experience of dating men who had more money than myself, although I was always uncomfortable with them paying for me, I ALWAYS offered to pay or the least go halfs and I often payed for them, they would insist on paying for things. Further down the line id have it thrown in my face about how much money they spent on me or constantly reminded that they paid for a few meals and nights out, cinema trips and gigs ect. For this reason im not comfortable dating anyone who hasn't got a similar income and lifestyle to my own. It just be mindful of his intentions, is he trying to impress you? Does he feel he has to buy your love in some way? Could he have any subtle traditional views regarding men and women in relationships? Could this potentially be held against you in the future?
Have the conversation with him and set clear boundaries that youre comfortable with and be mindful of any expectations he has once he's spent money on you.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

pwurple

This, to me, speaks more about a fundamental difference in your personalities than anything else.

Does he have financial security like you have? House, car, job?

Or is he renting, and does everything go on the credit card?


I have a friend who is like this.. we all earn fairly similar amounts of money, but he spends it differently. Where the rest of us have homes, cars, pensions, savings... he lives payday to payday. Massive fancy dinners, snazzy hotels, loads of instagramable travel. If he lost his job in the morning, he would be up sht creek.

I couldn’t live like that. But he loves it.

LegacyUser

It's quite possible he doesn't have lots more disposable income, but rather he's spending what he does have because he thinks that's what dating and a relationship consists of, expensive weekends away, being generous, treating you. It's possible that when you insist on paying for something, he feels the same relief you did when he paid for expensive places, it might be easing the burden on him.

At the 3 months mark, I assume you don't actually know a lot of detail about each other's finances. It's worth having a chat to come up a more sustainable approach, not just to finances, but to dating in general. Obviously there's a settling down from the honeymoon period to the sofa with a boxset, but it's no bad thing to have a conversation about that so you develop it the way you'd both like it to be, as well as coming up with a fair way to pay for stuff.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the input.

No, he's not being irresponsible. He's almost 40, has a very good job and previously had a business which he sold and was fortunate enough to be able to buy his house (which isn't showy at all) and 4 other properties which he rents out and therefore has no mortgage etc.

Also, he's definitely not trying to flash the cash or be superficial. He isn't even remotely concerned with brand names or having expensive things. I didn't realise at first that there was any financial disparity as our first date was in Costa and our second was a walk in the park, he happily buys stuff from Penneys and has zero airs or graces....he was very slow to reveal the ins and outs actually. We grew up in very similar circumstances, similar rural homes in the countryside

There's no way he would ever throw it back in my face that he paid for things, that's not his character at all.

I'm seeing him tomorrow so will just bring it up gently if an appropriate moment arises and see where we go from there. I'm a fully signed up member of the "communication is the most important thing" club but finances are a tetchy one, especially at the start.

Rekop dog

That all sounds very promising from him being level headed and having his priorities in the right place.
I don't think you should both miss out on nice holidays that he can clearly afford and you'd both enjoy because your nose is slightly out of joint about him spending the majority of the money.

I feel if roles were reversed here there'd be a lot of people telling the guy on less money to stop being so insecure.

C3PO

Frankly, you sound like two genuinely nice people! Sit down and talk it through with him - I'd be surprised if you can't work out an agreeable compromise!

MartyMcFly84

To be honest its nice to hear you are thinking about it and concerned.

I was in a position where my partner didnt put her hand in her pocket at all on dates, not even offered to pay or really say thank you until I mentioned it. It turned into a huge argument after I paid for another meal and we went to the cinema after (this was after a few dates) and I suggested she could pay for the cinema at the till. She said she was mortified with embarrassment. Seems she was in relationships previously where that was the norm, or thought I was inviting her out so I would pay. It never even occurred to her, and she was mortified that I would think that is how she was.

A few months later she said that that fight effected how she sees me and that I will always be a bit of a tight arse to her. I flipped as in my mind I had been extremely generous over the last number of months which seemed completely taken for granted. We came very close to breaking up.

Things are much better now about a year on. But probably good to have these types of conversations early on if you notice something you are slightly uncomfortable with as they can build up in my experience if not addressed.

GingerLily

MartyMcFly84 wrote: »

To be honest its nice to hear you are thinking about it and concerned.

I was in a position where my partner didnt put her hand in her pocket at all on dates, not even offered to pay or really say thank you until I mentioned it. It turned into a huge argument after I paid for another meal and we went to the cinema after (this was after a few dates) and I suggested she could pay for the cinema at the till. She said she was mortified with embarrassment. Seems she was in relationships previously where that was the norm, or thought I was inviting her out so I would pay. It never even occurred to her, and she was mortified that I would think that is how she was.

A few months later she said that that fight effected how she sees me and that I will always be a bit of a tight arse to her. I flipped as in my mind I had been extremely generous over the last number of months which seemed completely taken for granted. We came very close to breaking up.

Things are much better now about a year on. But probably good to have these types of conversations early on if you notice something you are slightly uncomfortable with as they can build up in my experience if not addressed.

And your still with her? She's been honest with her expectations - it's your fault now for accepting them.....

Bambi985

Yeah Marty it sounds like there's definitely a "tight-arse" there but it's not you...

Addle

It surprises me the amount of women I know who still expect to be wined and dined on dates.

OP, just be honest with him. It won't cost him anything!

LegacyUser

I'm sure he knows you're not after his money - you've made many attempts to split bills and offered to pay. He sounds like a gentleman, who would like to treat his partner and enjoy nice meals/weekends away. I think he knows you're not using him and is happy to be generous. I really wouldn't push it too much - the times you can pay, he's happy to let you and respects you want to maintain your independence. I've found myself in a similar situation in that I've always split bills with partners or else fairly divided costs, even to the point of some boyfriends I ended up paying far more than them cos they didn't have the money. I've always tried to maintain my independence financially and never wanted to be seen to be using a guy. However I've recently met a guy who like yours just has extra disposable cash. I brought it up a few times and tried to split evenly and he got a bit annoyed - as he said, he's in a position to treat us at the moment, later it might be me doing that, he knows I'm not using him and also my independence is important but he likes to be able to take me out. Relax, enjoy it, he sounds like a good guy, don't let money get in the way.

Oh and finances are definitely a tetchy subject and to be honest, passing comment on how he spends his money is a little intrusive - he's obviously responsible with his cash and has plenty of it, if he sees fit to spend it on weekends away and treating his girlfriend, let him.

MartyMcFly84

And your still with her? She's been honest with her expectations - it's your fault now for accepting them.....

We are still together. It was definitely a rough patch and I was very close to ending it. But there were other things to take into consideration (we had known each other a long time), and over the last while she has been making an effort to split bills or, I pay for something and she pays for other things. We hashed things out after the fight and she said she was wrong to call me a tight arse.

I have been spending almost every weekend in her house in the country visiting her she drives us around when I am down and we split those cost when we are together now. I havent bought a car, as I am saving for a house.

Things have gotten better, if they didn't the relationship would have ended. Currently we are on exactly the same salary.

It was just really awkward and not a nice argument or conversation to have, which in retrospect could have been avoided to a certain extent if we had the conversation earlier instead of later on. Its just hard sometimes when you are trying to make a good impression early on.

Boardno1

Tell him how you feel - I'm sure he'll tell you you're being silly, if you're paying for what you can then I'm sure he knows the little breaks and treats will be on him because he has the money to do it. I think you're worrying for nothing!