Stress and Needs

LegacyUser

I am in a newish relationship (past the mythical honeymoon stage, going by the fact that I'm here) and, over Christmas, we went to our respective homes on different sides of the country. We haven't met during these two weeks apart, but have had regular calls (over an hour long each time) and messaged every day.

I feel like I have enjoyed or found relief in this break, while my OH decidedly hasn't. I'm pretty self-reliant and find it easy to occupy myself, and I suppose I felt it's not unusual or wrong that I'm able to survive two weeks without seeing my OH. They, on the other hand, are a little lost without me, and this is (it appears to me) a bit of a pattern.

Before Christmas, a lot of my enjoyment from our relationship was punctuated by moments of stress, generated by study and part-time work getting on top of OH. During these times, I hope and think I was being supportive and understanding enough, but being the primary outlet for it all left me a little frazzled. I am also studying and working in a manner which is just as (if not more) stressful, so I felt the pressure of trying to keep all those plates spinning.

As this break is coming to an end, OH's schedule is going to pick up again. In fact, they have consciously added to it by taking on extra work which involves hours of travel and a learning curve. At the time and since then, I've asked them subtly to consider what they feel they can manage, and what they can't.

Expressing myself more strongly on this issue makes me feel like I'm holding them back, minding them and, in a way, failing them. It feels like I'm not being as empathetic as I should and telling them that I'm not here to sponge up the stress and negativity that comes with them overreaching themselves. In most of OH's work, holiday plans and ideas for the future, a lot appears to be squashed together in an intense kind of way. OH and I both seem like an afterthought in that melee.

By the way, I'm not invested in any characterisation of my OH as 'needy' or 'demanding': we all have emotional needs and ambitions. Arguably, I equally crave the stability and 'safeness' that I represent for OH. The fact that I'm better able to handle and mitigate stress doesn't mean I don't need that stability from someone else.

Do you think a relationship where one person is more reliant on the other (especially at this early stage), and where both parties are affected negatively to some extent by that dynamic, offers a foundation to build on? Is there anything in your experience that helps with this sort of situation?

I truly enjoy my OH, care for them and admire them - and for all the reasons above, I really, really don't want to torpedo their life by giving ultimatums or saying things I'll regret. Equally, if this isn't worked out, I will inevitably start withdrawing and causing hurt: contemplating all this is giving me a knot in my neck as I write.

Right now, it feels like I'm going somewhere because the wheels are still spinning: I'm in a relationship where we both care a lot for each other. They could be spinning just as freely with the car flipped over though.

Xterminator

Hi Op

As the relationship develops and the people are at different stages in their lives the dynamic changes. you talk about your partner being snowed under by study and part time work. thats a transient thing. Feeling loved and important to your partner, that should be a constant.

you spen a lot of your post worrying about your OH's stress, and worrying about them taking on more than they can handle. Understandable. but once you have expressed you opinion on this you should be able to let it go. your partner is an adult and will make the decisions, knowing your point of view. But its his responsibility not yours.

I'm not 100% clear what ultimatums you feel could be issued, and what they pertain to.

If the relationship isn't working for you, thats a different kettle of fish. has very little to do with the other discussion. You cannot sit around for years hoping all will be good when they get out of the current circumstances. It has to work for you now. If it doesnt you can try to work it out.

LolaJJ

As you say OP this is a newish relationship.

It seems you are giving this an awful lot of thought, possibly to the extent where you are sabotaging.

You care about each other and things are starting to grate....not unusual. Play it out and see if things improve. Ultimatums in my experience are only given by people in desperation or on their way out the door.

I would stop over-analysing your feelings vs theirs and just tackle each feeling and emotion as it comes along. If the relationship becomes more of a negative impact than a positive one on your life then decide if you'd like to move on. It is quite possible you are not well suited.