advice needed

newby_to life

Hi to all,

This is my first time using a forum so where to start....

I have been married for 17 years and have two children with my husband. Its been a rocky 17 years and he moved out a few months ago after starting an affair with another woman. He has used all the usual reasons saying he wasn`t happy with me and she had no part of the break-up, but I disagree...

We have always been very much in love but life has not been kind to the relationship as we lost our business, family members have passed away and others have been very ill, which has all taken its toll on us. My husband is estranged from his own family and this has made a huge impact on his life as I am very close to mine. Biggest problem we eventually had was we stopped communicating with each other. We didn`t get time for just "us" with so much going on in our lives. He is very centered on the decision he has made to leave me and won`t even discuss anything to do with me and him other than the kids. He won`t tell me the name of the other woman and he has tried to finish with her, but always ends up back with her. When he is with her he breaks contact with us and can turn quite cruel in his actions, then when he breaks contact with her he is back to the man I love.

We had a lovely xmas with him around when he broke contact and he was starting to talk to me again, he said it was the happiest he had been in a very long time but she is back on the scene again constantly messaging him and I feel him distancing himself from us again. I know deep down he still has love for me but its heart breaking to be constantly see-sawing between the man I know and the the person he becomes when he is with her. He says he has feelings for her but he is not in love with her but she has a hold on him that he cant let go...

He is a man with a high morale compass, but can also be very selfish and tends to put himself first no matter what.... I know he is struggling with what he has done to me and the kids but not enough to stop contact with this other woman. He tends to box off his problems in his head and wont deal with them and when he makes a decision he tends to stick with it and there is no going back.....He is adamant that he would have left me anyway and that she has nothing to do with the situation we are in but I think he wont talk to me because he can`t let me go and it hurts to spend time with me and the kids....... When I push him on talking about us he just cant and becomes an emotional mess..... says he needs time.....I feel like i`m loosing him to the other woman......

My family and friends want me to move on, and start a new life without him and I understand why .... but if there is a chance for us should I not try for my own peace of mind and the kids?????

nikkibikki

I'm sorry this will sound harsh.

You've already lost him. You are only good enough for him when she's not interested in him. They sound well matched. You sound too good for him the way he has and continues to treat you.

Staying together for the kids is BS. Do you want your kids to think that you should make yourself miserable and put up with all sorts just to make other people happy? Because that's what they will learn from parents who stay together when they should separate.

My advice is to stop waiting for him to decide when he'll throw you a few crumbs. Decide yourself that you've had enough. Tell him if he fecks off again, then thats it. No return. It won't be easy. None of it will. Be empowered to take control of YOUR happiness. He can still be a father.

Rekop dog

I have to say I felt pretty sorry for you by the end. More so because you made so little mention of your own feelings on the matter and seem so in love with this person that you'd let him walk all over you and still have him back in a second. You're trying to cling on to the smallest things like his emotional state when he tries to talk to you and seeing that as hope, but sounds like he's telling you loud and clear that he's done.

Its great you're close to your family and friends, as you'll need them through this, would also advice counselling to work on your self worth.

Also re his moral compass, it's laughable if you think it's high. Need to get him off the pedestal you hold him.

Colonel Claptrap

It sounds like he is keeping everything bottled inside and refuses to come to terms with it in case he becomes too emotional.

Ask him, for the sake of you and the kids, to talk to a counsellor. Give him space and time. Ask him to work through his issues with the counsellor and come to his own conclussion. If he still feels the same, then it's time to move on. But perhaps give him the opportunity to talk it out with somebody else other than you, his family, or the other woman. He sounds troubled.

Well done for considering forgiveness after the affair. That was not easy.

GingerLily

OP, when was the last time you and your husband were in a relationship? I'm confused if he came home for Christmas for the kids or as your husband?

It sounds as though he is finished with your marriage but you still are fighting for it? You can't fight for it on your own - he needs to want it too. If anything it sounds like he wants to save your feelings by trying not to be too cruel - you are the mother of his children - but that doesn't mean he wants to be in a relationship with you or what's to stay in your marriage.

newby_to life

I made him leave when I found out about the other woman, and my kids know exactly how strong I am and have never been told about her.... I have made things as easy for them to keep contact with their dad because they love each other. Screaming and having tantrums isn`t going to solve anything and the only people that really suffer in the end are the kids..... Its not easy letting go of a man you know is in a bad place......

Rekop dog

newby_to life wrote: »

I made him leave when I found out about the other woman, and my kids know exactly how strong I am and have never been told about her.... I have made things as easy for them to keep contact with their dad because they love each other. Screaming and having tantrums isn`t going to solve anything and the only people that really suffer in the end are the kids..... Its not easy letting go of a man you know is in a bad place......

Nobody is saying to get crazy at him but there's a sense here that you haven't fully let this sink in yet. It's admirable that you put everyone else first but you have to let yourself be sad about such matters as part of getting over someone. Otherwise that whole process will take so much longer and will take extra toll on your well being which isn't fair on yourself or children.

nikkibikki

newby_to life wrote:

I made him leave when I found out about the other woman, and my kids know exactly how strong I am and have never been told about her.... I have made things as easy for them to keep contact with their dad because they love each other. Screaming and having tantrums isn`t going to solve anything and the only people that really suffer in the end are the kids..... Its not easy letting go of a man you know is in a bad place......

Absolutely it's not easy. You sound like an amazing mother and partner.

The advice above to ask him to speak to a counsellor is excellent, I'd recommend ye both do that. Who knows, maybe there is a way to get past this and back together stronger than ever. But not the way things are going now. Look after your own mental health as well, even if it's just so you'll be strong for the kids.

nikkibikki

Also, if ye are going down the counselling route with a view to getting back together, this other woman, or any "other woman" needs to be out of the picture. He can block her from his phone, even change his phone number, if thsts what's needed.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you not think you deserve more than to be an option? You say he drops "us" when she is on the scene, does that mean he also backs off from his children? Whatever you feel for him and however much of this rubbish you are willing to put up with yourself, your children deserve for you to fight their corner. And that means not allowing him to come and go as he pleases, blaming everyone else for his failings.

Life got tough and he left. It's her fault he can't come back. Poor man. It must be awful for him. :rolleyes:

It's difficult to let go of someone you love. But sometimes you need to accept that the person you love(d) doesn't actually exist anymore.

Ghekko

I think you need counselling for yourself to build up self esteem and realise you are worth more than you believe. How you can even consider a future with this man is beyond me. He has checked out of your marriage for some time, cheated on you and treated you like dirt and you see it as him being in a bad place? Let him off - let him sort himself out and decide what he wants in life. But don't sit around waiting for him to decide. You take control of your own life and with the support of your family and friends move on to a better life with your children. Don't bring them up knowing his appalling, disrespectful behaviour is normal.

Xterminator

Hi OP

when you got married it was a legal contract and possibly a vow before god, to be faithful to you. if he fell out of love with you (it does happen) he never had the decency to finish with you so he would be free to pursue his heart.

Instead he broke his vows, risked the happiness of his (your) family, and left you holding everything together while he gets to act the single man with his mistress.

To top it all off he gets to comeback and play happy families when it suits him!!

Now i don't want to come across overly negative, but you don't seem to hold him accountable for those actions. The only word that describes the above is betrayal.

im sure he has a place in your heart, and he will always be the father of the children - and they need that relationship if it can be kept. But as long as he can run back to you, the enormity of his actions may not have fully hit home. Next time the mistress is off the scene he should be sitting alone in his own flat with his thoughts not playing happy family in yours.

You say he has a moral compass, and perhaps he thinks he does. But actions determine the kind of man he is not words, or even feelings. so i disagree. He is not. He is a cheat and a family wrecker. You did not have a marriage contract with the mistress, it was with him. And he is the one who has caused this. not the mistress.

My advice is to stop letting him have the best of both worlds. He must feel the consequences of his actions, and can then decid eon what actions he is willing to take for the sake of his family.