Moved home after living abroad

Frank Bullitt

Hey guys, happy new year to all.

The long and short of it for me, I just moved home after living in Vancouver for 4.5 years just before Christmas, the 19th of December to be exact.

It had been on my mind for quite some time over the past year or so, and I pulled the trigger in September. I had also been in Ireland for the past summer for a few weddings.

The permanent move home has been a bit of a shock and a good few waves of emotion. I had a Canadian GF last year and we broke up in the summer, it was absolutely for the best and it was a very mature break-up. We both saw that we just weren't getting on like we used to and we called it a day.

When i returned to Canada after my trip home, I then got the feelings of regret etc from the break-up, which I think were a bit delayed.

I had debated weather to suggest that we gave it another go, but after we met up for lunch, it didn't feel like there was anything there. The residual feelings that came I think were just a bit delayed.

Having moved home to Ireland, they have kinda popped up, but I think they have been fuelled a bit by the move and the unease it has created.

I was very excited to move home, the trip during the summer was great and it gave me a good representation of what Ireland (and Dublin) is like now. Since then though, the last 2 weeks have been dog rough. I have been second guessing past decisions and events with the move, the ex and with work (have to get a new job here, of course). I am back living at home with the folks with the goal of saving some cash up to get a mortgage.

All of it at the one time has been a bit of a shock to the system.

4.5 years away from Ireland was the best thing I have ever done for my life, bar none. I learned so much about myself, went through the motions (good and bad), met new people, had a great job which has given me so much to add to my CV and portfolio, lived more or less on my own. Now, all of that has changed with the new setting.

Ireland is different, I am different.

I'd be lying if I said that I haven't already looked at a move back to Canada, maybe to Toronto, or even just to travel for a while. I am actively on the job hunt here in Ireland, and with the Christmas and most places being closed (I am a designer), I have been sitting idle and my mind beings to play tricks on me.

All of this has generated a huge amount of stress and worry for me. Have I made the right decision? Should I have tried to get back with my ex? Will I get a job and a house here? Hell, do I even belong in Ireland anymore?

I always saw myself coming back to Ireland, that was a source of huge depression for me in Canada, I never saw myself staying in Vancouver for much longer and I would attribute the breakdown of my relationship with my chronic homesickness, I even had a meltdown in front of my ex about this, granted though there were other things at play with that also. This then also plays into this horrible fear I now have, of never finding another GF, and being alone forever.

As you can see, I am very confused and stressed. My mates (bless them) have all told me I should take some time off and relax, readjust and not worry about everything so much, there is no rush to do anything. I find it hard to switch-off, and when I am sitting around, there is a little voice telling me I should be working on something, or doing something.

This move home was meant to be fantastical and amazing, and I just now find myself unsure of a lot of things.

listermint

Look , it's Christmas it can stir up all sorts of emotions not to mention the fact you've had so much time to yourself to examine things which can be detrimental.

First things first get job searching. Once you get into the swing of that things will be alot different Dublin is very vibrant place right now to work in and you've exciting things ahead. Don't dwell on the past don't dwell on the future, you live in the current.

Ursus Horribilis

Don't make any hasty decisions. You never settled in Canada and it's possible that even if you moved back there, the issues that made you want to come home will start to nag at you again. With the additional angst of believing Ireland's not for you either.

Arguably you moved home at the worst time of the year. The weather's at its most miserable, everything's shutting down for Christmas (apart from the shops) and you're processing a lot of stuff bang in the middle of it all. I think you've nothing to lose by giving life here your best shot. Find a job, reconnect with your friends and live your life. If you're still not sure Ireland's for you in several months time, then think about moving again. I think that with everything you're going through at the moment, making a big decision like going back to Canada might not be the best thing for you.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks guys, been talking to a few other pals about it all, and with the above responses, I can see that Christmas was probably a mistake to move at.

But, you live and learn.

bikubesong

Gintonious wrote: »

As you can see, I am very confused and stressed. My mates (bless them) have all told me I should take some time off and relax, readjust and not worry about everything so much, there is no rush to do anything. I find it hard to switch-off, and when I am sitting around, there is a little voice telling me I should be working on something, or doing something.

I think your mates are right. I'd be a bit like yourself, mentally very active and prone to overanalysing and fretting, so I know it's much easier said than done.

I moved back to Ireland in late 2016 after living abroad for four years. When you're living away and you come back for visits, you definitely get a romanticised view of the homeland, because you're home for such short bursts that things don't get a chance to sour or become mundane. Everyone is excited to see you. Naturally, when you move home for good, the novelty quickly wears off and people get on with their lives.

From personal experience, I'd say just give it time and don't panic! There's nothing stopping you from moving away again if you still have these feelings in six/nine months time. Give Ireland a fair chance - spend some time reconnecting with mates/family/old hangouts in January while it's quiet on the jobs front. Focus on keeping a routine and look forward to when the days get brighter and the weather improves. I don't mean to be dismissive of your feelings about your relationship, but it seems that you guys broke up maturely and for good reasons, so I think it's just your anxiety about the move that is bringing up your doubts again.

I've been in the same boat and very happy to be home now - but it took me a while to feel that way. Good luck

Frank Bullitt

bikubesong wrote: »

I think your mates are right. I'd be a bit like yourself, mentally very active and prone to overanalysing and fretting, so I know it's much easier said than done.

I moved back to Ireland in late 2016 after living abroad for four years. When you're living away and you come back for visits, you definitely get a romanticised view of the homeland, because you're home for such short bursts that things don't get a chance to sour or become mundane. Everyone is excited to see you. Naturally, when you move home for good, the novelty quickly wears off and people get on with their lives.

From personal experience, I'd say just give it time and don't panic! There's nothing stopping you from moving away again if you still have these feelings in six/nine months time. Give Ireland a fair chance - spend some time reconnecting with mates/family/old hangouts in January while it's quiet on the jobs front. Focus on keeping a routine and look forward to when the days get brighter and the weather improves. I don't mean to be dismissive of your feelings about your relationship, but it seems that you guys broke up maturely and for good reasons, so I think it's just your anxiety about the move that is bringing up your doubts again.

I've been in the same boat and very happy to be home now - but it took me a while to feel that way. Good luck

Thank you very much for this.

shesty

How long it take you to settle in Canada?I'd apply the same time period to settling back here....you've barely been back three weeks and a break up into the bargain.Give yourself a few months, see how it goes.Also, obviously not a good time of year for doing this, but sure look, it's done now. Things should pick up in the next few weeks (not least the stretch in the evenings ;-) ), and start to settle a bit for you.

Airyfairy12

Sorry but it just sounds like no matter what you do youre going to find a problem. You didnt like the girlfriend anymore so you broke up, now its over and theres no chance of it rekindling you now want her back. You where homesick in Canada and wanted to move home, you move home and now you want to be back in Canada. You have great friends, potential for strong employment and a supportive family. not trying to belittle your fears but there are homeless children. Youre creating problems for yourself when really there isnt any. Everyone gets fear and anxiety about the future and questions their decisions, its normal. Youve done the Canada thing, you had the girlfriend, both ran there course, if they didnt you wouldnt have chosen to move back home. Cant you try and focus on being happy with what you have? I think its important to practice gratitude otherwise nothing will ever make you happy.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks for the help guys.

Been doing a good bit of thinking and wrote in the journal and its cleared up some headspace.

I have some meetings arranged next week for some work related contacts so things are picking up. I am also getting out on my motorbike that I shipped back from Canada soon, so that will for sure put a smile back on the face.

OP, I returned to Ireland about 6 months ago after living a decade in China. I can definitely relate to what you're saying since I moved from a city of 9 million to my hometown which has a pop of (at most) 20k. And my hometown has changed dramatically. Most people I knew have moved to the cities or outside of Ireland, and replaced with immigrants. Utterly bizarre considering the way it was when I left. I've also come back and changed my career completely, switching from teaching to online freelance programming. Major changes all over.

I think it's important to give yourself some leeway and a time period to not judge yourself during. To relax into the "new" situation. Both Ireland & you have changed, and it will take time to find the right kind of balance.

I've given myself a year to figure things out and I refuse to allow any judgment during that period. I'm enjoying being back with my family, and while I'm exploring new career options, I refuse to take anything too seriously. I might stay in Ireland longterm or I might head off again. I refuse to decide that now. Just focusing on exploring the new Ireland and enjoying the experience.

Frank Bullitt

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, I returned to Ireland about 6 months ago after living a decade in China. I can definitely relate to what you're saying since I moved from a city of 9 million to my hometown which has a pop of (at most) 20k. And my hometown has changed dramatically. Most people I knew have moved to the cities or outside of Ireland, and replaced with immigrants. Utterly bizarre considering the way it was when I left. I've also come back and changed my career completely, switching from teaching to online freelance programming. Major changes all over.

I think it's important to give yourself some leeway and a time period to not judge yourself during. To relax into the "new" situation. Both Ireland & you have changed, and it will take time to find the right kind of balance.

I've given myself a year to figure things out and I refuse to allow any judgment during that period. I'm enjoying being back with my family, and while I'm exploring new career options, I refuse to take anything too seriously. I might stay in Ireland longterm or I might head off again. I refuse to decide that now. Just focusing on exploring the new Ireland and enjoying the experience.

Thanks for this.

Seems like my situation is pretty commonplace amongst returning folk. And the general advice is to relax and not chase things too hard.

I have left the door open for what I may or may not do in the future, its crazy to think that I am back home permanently after 4.5 years, and life moves pretty fast now.

I am eagerly looking forward to getting my bike on the road and out to some new spots to discover.

Shelga

I moved back after 5 years away OP, about a year ago.

For the first 3 or so months I was constantly panicking that I had done the wrong thing, and imagining how life might have continued if I’d carried on where I was. I didn’t come back to a job either, like yourself, which added to the stress and regret.

Honestly, within a few months, those feelings completely disappeared. I know in my bones that I needed to come home and that it was something that had been on my mind for years.

It’s perfectly normal to miss the place you spent so many years, at a formative time of your life. I still miss aspects of my old life, and I had a good standard of living there. But you came home for a bloody good reason, don’t forget that.

It’s so hard to know what’s best when there’s no clear ‘right’ decision, but just keep looking forward, give yourself proper time to readjust, and don’t panic, you’ll be fine.

jacksie66

This post has been deleted.

kunst nugget

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Sorry but it just sounds like no matter what you do youre going to find a problem. You didnt like the girlfriend anymore so you broke up, now its over and theres no chance of it rekindling you now want her back. You where homesick in Canada and wanted to move home, you move home and now you want to be back in Canada. You have great friends, potential for strong employment and a supportive family. not trying to belittle your fears but there are homeless children. Youre creating problems for yourself when really there isnt any. Everyone gets fear and anxiety about the future and questions their decisions, its normal. Youve done the Canada thing, you had the girlfriend, both ran there course, if they didnt you wouldnt have chosen to move back home. Cant you try and focus on being happy with what you have? I think its important to practice gratitude otherwise nothing will ever make you happy.

I think you're being completely unfair on the OP here. He's in the midst of making major life decisions for himself. I think it's only natural to have some wobbles and 'Oh, feck, am I doing the right thing?!?!' moments. And comparing his problems to the plight of homeless children is seriously belittling and condescending.

OP, I'm a designer myself and I keep an eye out for jobs but there was very little I saw over December and not much for January. Have a look over at the jobdesk on CreativeIreland.com to see if there's anything there.

Frank Bullitt

kunst nugget wrote: »

I think you're being completely unfair on the OP here. He's in the midst of making major life decisions for himself. I think it's only natural to have some wobbles and 'Oh, feck, am I doing the right thing?!?!' moments. And comparing his problems to the plight of homeless children is seriously belittling and condescending.

OP, I'm a designer myself and I keep an eye out for jobs but there was very little I saw over December and not much for January. Have a look over at the jobdesk on CreativeIreland.com to see if there's anything there.

Been keeping an eye out myself and also calling in the contacts that I have here.

If there is one thing I learned while I lived abroad, its that you shouldn't wait to see any jobs being posted. Get out to know people in these areas, go to meet ups etc, stuff i am sure you will know.

I did this in Vancouver when I saw very little being posted, and it worked wonders! Design seems to be thriving in Dublin (depending on what part of design you are in, of course), so i am optimistic of something good showing up.

Oh, keep an eye on LinkedIn too!

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

kunst nugget

Gintonious wrote: »

Been keeping an eye out myself and also calling in the contacts that I have here.

If there is one thing I learned while I lived abroad, its that you shouldn't wait to see any jobs being posted. Get out to know people in these areas, go to meet ups etc, stuff i am sure you will know.

I did this in Vancouver when I saw very little being posted, and it worked wonders! Design seems to be thriving in Dublin (depending on what part of design you are in, of course), so i am optimistic of something good showing up.

Oh, keep an eye on LinkedIn too!

Tbf, I've a decent job and I get along well with the people I work with so I'm in no immediate rush. It's more a casual eye on jobs rather than a full on active search for me at the moment.

smokeyjoe123

I wouldn't mind going back to Canada myself, have been home from there about 5 years now. I worked over there in BC for a number of years. Like yourself, I'm still unsure about living permanently in Ireland.

I know life is what you make it but I find Ireland a very insular and negative/depresing place. Hence why I quit my job a few weeks ago and am off to SE Asia until next summer. Hopefully, it will give me some perspective and I can take some time to think about what I really want from life.

Like yourself, I am an avid motorcyclist (Honda Blackbird:D). I think I recall reading you have an R NineT, beautiful machine! The one thing that depresses the **** out of me here is the weather and roads. The rain/salt/grit/potholes/crap combined with people who can't drive really takes the fun out of it. I hope to eventually move to sunnier climes where I can enjoy it more.

I wouldn't know anything about the industry you work in but it sounds like you could pick up work internationally. My industry has limited opportunities so I may have to try my hand at something else. Not sure if moving back to Canada would stir up the bad memories for you so maybe you could consider another country.

Whatever you do, best of luck and I hope it makes you happy. Hopefully see you out on the road sometime!

Vela

Hey there. I remember seeing your posts debating whether to move back. I was in Canada myself on a 2 year visa but only stayed a few months. Why? Well, when it came to buying furniture etc., I just realised it wasn't somewhere I wanted to stay long-term, so the extra year felt pointless. I've also lived abroad in a few other countries, so I have a somewhat limited understanding of what it's like coming back.

I think that what you're feeling now is that same feeling everyone gets when they move country. It doesn't matter that it happens to be your home country, especially when you've been away for so long. Are you living in the country or Dublin? Moving to Dublin would be a good option for you if you're missing the city feel. It's expensive, but I personally couldn't hack living anywhere else in Ireland.

Re: your work. Would you consider setting up as self-employed? i.e. freelancing or setting up your own agency? There's a lot of work out there for people who do that.

Frank Bullitt

Thanks again guys for all the advice.

Have had a few days to get on top of my thoughts, do some meditation and meet some friends and old work colleagues.

The advice is the exact same as it is in here, just relax, and don't rush into things. I think I had an idea in my head of how things would be as soon as I stepped off the plane, as I usually do with certain things. And with Christmas being as quiet as it was, I began to worry that all of that would hit a brick wall.

I realise that is not the case.

I have a few meetings planned this week, working on my new portfolio site and by the looks of things, there are lots of different types of jobs on the go.

And, if after a few months I am not sitting easy, I still have my Canadian residency and job opportunities over there.

Life will be grand.

Again, thanks to all who have posted their advice in here.