How to detach with love?

LegacyUser

I often read /hear about detaching from alcoholics with love. I no longer love my alcoholic spouse but am still very fond of them and wish them well. We also have children so we'll need to stay pals.
I just need to get away from them, mentally.
So for example, would detaching mean leaving them to sleep it off even though the kids want them up or forcing them up?
Would it be not making them a cup of tea in the latw morning when they finally get up or should I make one as they make me tea.
What about when they're drinking at night? Should I ignore them and sit in the kitchen? Or should I ignore the drinking and sit in the sitting room with them and pretend the drinking isn't happening?
Should i be commenting on the hidden cans, the lies about alcohol - calling it out, or ignoring it?
I don't really know what detaching means in these contexts? Ignoring them just spurs them on and justifies their behaviour. Also, I'm not an ignore person. I'm a talk about stuff person and am sad and angry at the shell of a person I have become. (Yes I am getting counselling for this and no, the counsellor wasn't able to answer the above- I asked!)

Sephiroth_dude

Tell them to leave or else you leave if possible with the kids and hope then that they hit rock bottom and ask for help, you need to look after yourself and the kids first.

Big Bag of Chips

By making life easy for them you are enabling them. They are probably unlikely to leave the home. Can you? With the children? Don't underestimate the affect this will be having on your children.

Maybe Al-Anon might be a good group for you to seek out. They are a support group specifically for people living with an alcoholic in their lives. You will see and hear from other people in EXACTLY the same position as you.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks for your replies. I am planning to leave. Many times I have been promised it will stop but now I know to no longer hope. The issue is financially it will be difficult so there is a period where I wish to show them that I do care but that this is no longer acceptable. Lay the groundwork as it were because I dont want more excuses and false promises which might lull me into staying longer.

Tell me how

The following is unqualified advice but well intentioned.

OP, I think you stop doing any task which isn't absolutely necessary for the functioning of the household and the health of you and your children.

Don't be unnecessarily argumentative or vindictive but if your spouse asks, explain why you are doing this.

I imagine one of you would move out of the marital bed if that was an option and hadn't already been done.

Tell a very close friend/sibling what you are doing for support and/or emergency if your spouse gets excessively angry over this and tell your spouse that you have told them.

Big Bag of Chips

When you say you are planning to leave, are you planning on bringing the children? Unfortunately enabling the alcoholic goes hand in hand with loving them. All the things you do that makes life easy for them you do BECAUSE you care. If you didn't care you'd be long gone and wouldn't give a second thought to how they would manage.

Please look up Al-Anon. And speak to someone close. You don't tell people, because you don't want people to think badly of them. You don't want them embarrassed by knowing that people know how bad it has gotten. You minimise, to yourself, to them and to others. And the more you enable the longer you allow this to continue. And by allowing it to continue there is absolutely no incentive for them to stop. Life carries on. Their home life doesn't suffer (in their eyes), their children are well cared for. Somebody else is there keeping the show and the facade going. So everything is fine from their perspective. So nothing needs to change.

QueenRizla

OP your post is the opposite of detaching, you are looking to carefully manage your actions and their behavior. Detaching emotionally means none of that would matter to you. It is impossible to detach and at the same time be trying to get the other person to modify their behavior. To detach fully you need to believe and have strong resolve that removing your kids and yourself from the situation is the healthiest and best option for everyone. I think you may be holding out small hope contrived modifications in your behavior will stop him drinking. That is a lot of pressure on yourself. You are doing the right thing, also Al-Anon would be a great help, you need as much support as possible!

C3PO

"Detaching" is about acceptance.
Mainly accepting that there is nothing you can do to change the actions of the addict and that their fate is in their own hands - it is about letting go of trying to control. But it still means that you need to set boundaries of acceptable/unacceptable behaviour. You must also protect yourself and your children both emotionally and physically.
As has been suggested previously, Al-Anon would be a great place to start to look for support. I would also do some reading on Co-dependence and this forum can be helpful too - https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/

Esme266

I've been there. I've ignored and said nothing, I've been angry, sad, mad,scared, worried, exhausted,anxious , every emotion you could think of. I was promised the earth, moon and stars but it never lasted. In fact, each time was worse than the last. I couldn't contain it or hide it from the kids anymore. So I ended our 6 year relationship and kicked him out. It was a case of if I stayed, I knew I would end up in a bad way mentally. I had lost so much weight and my anxiety was never as bad. It's a horrible situation but I couldn't change him. He didn't want to change. And he actually hasn't changed. The difference now is that I don't have to deal with his drinking anymore, or his anger and temper. I no longer resent him for being hungover nearly every day and missing out on time with me and the kids