Is it precedented?

Shine2018

Hi All,

I've been a long time fan/ lurker of Boards, particularly the LGBT forum who finally took the plunge to join today.

I feel like I should apologise in advance because the topic of my thread has been addressed one too many times but I've never felt as much urge to spell it out in my own words as I do now so here goes ...

Im of African origins (West African) and in my late twenties though I've been living in Ireland for over 10 years now, gained 3rd level education here and currently in employment.

It's been 2.5 years since my last relationship. That particular relationship like the two before it fizzled out around the 6 -8 month mark.I can genuinely say all 3 of them were gentlemen to the core but after the 3rd one, the emerging pattern was blatantly in my face. I chalked it up to a learning curve. Going forward, I had an inkling of what features would propagate a LTR for me personally. Of course, nothing written is done; I just wanted to conscientiously learn from my past.

A few months after the last ended, I moved out of Dublin (nothing to do with the relationship or end thereof). Since then it's been an episode of letdowns, catfishes, ghosting, disaster dates, head-wrecking mind games, friend-zoning, lack of sparks and the likes after another. Admittedly, I've been on the giving end of some of these but nothing malicious like catfishing. Based on my previous experiences, if I don't a spark, I see no reason to delay the inevitable. Some of my friends thinks this makes me picky. I've tried the alternative; feigning interest is a chore.

There are certain times when it hits harder than usual; xmas season, birthday, going on holidays solo for 4 years in a row, at valentines and now I'm dreading the NYE upon us. i was chatting a few guys before xmas and prematurely feeling positive about romance in 2018 but as is constant in my life, all fell through. One common denominator with multiple guys in cancelation without prior notice. One of the guys just didnt reply on the agreed date; we'd been chatting for at least 3 months. 2 others I had to text them on the day before they bothered to convey their cancelation.

Apologies for rambling on, I suppose I should elaborately pose my question now: Is it precedented for a guy to be in his 20s to have a lengthy string of unsuccessful dating? I've about 4 dating apps on my phone incl Tinder, Grindr and POF but at this point, Im not really seeing new faces. I feel a knot in my tummy when I look around and Im surrounded by happy couples; my flatmate, work friends, social acquaintances even my mum recently remarried. I don't know how else to put myself out there. Sometimes I pray for the strength to delete all those apps but I'm a romantic at heart, i'd be lying to myself pretending otherwise. As it stands, 2018 is looking to be a repeat of my dating woes of years past. Soon my 20s will be behind me and there'll be no fond memories of a beautiful romance to recollect. I'm supposedly "model-good looking" but even that embarrasses me because it's quickly followed by,"I can't believe you are single"."I try, trust me" ...

Apologies again for the lengthy post.

JackTaylorFan

Hi and welcome.

Is there a precedent for your situation? I have no idea.

Is it common for young gay men to find it difficult to meet committed partners? Well, from everything I've heard and seen in my time in Ireland: yes, it's quite common.

Your experiences with dating apps are not all that dissimilar from other groups in society either. In fact, your accounts of using dating apps are pretty much a mirror of my own time using them. I imagine they're great if you want no strings attached "fun", but not for me. I wish I could just delete these things from my life altogether - but you are constantly told this is the way dating's done now. And sadly, for a lot of us it is the only way to try and find someone - as hopeless as it seems at times. I've done other things to meet new people - like meetup.com - but nothing romantic ever comes of that - not that that is my primary focus when attending a meet-up.


As for Christmas - well, I've already had my thread on that here - I'll just add: I imagine a lot of people (gay, straight, trans or whatever) feel that same heart-wrenching knot in the pit of their stomach at the sight of their friends and relatives so seemingly in love at this time of year. it's awful. I mean, I'm in my early 30s now and I'm pretty sure I'm becoming rather bitter about it all, too.

Hope it gets better for you OP.

AllForIt

I find it just crazy that young ppl these days think that the way to find a partner is through dating apps. How do you OP think ppl got together before the internet?

I personally have never met anyone who either ended up being a friend or a long time lover/bf where I met them off a dating app.

The ones I have were ppl I met in bars and/or nightclubs, the old fashioned way.

I suggest to you that you really need to get out and socialise more if you want a meaningful relationship. Your never going to find it on the internet though it's not completely impossible but I know it's rare indeed. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have to get off the net, forget about dating apps and get yourself into the real world.

JackTaylorFan

AllForIt wrote: »

I find it just crazy that young ppl these days think that the way to find a partner is through dating apps. How do you OP think ppl got together before the internet?

I personally have never met anyone who either ended up being a friend or a long time lover/bf where I met them off a dating app.

The ones I have were ppl I met in bars and/or nightclubs, the old fashioned way.

I suggest to you that you really need to get out and socialise more if you want a meaningful relationship. Your never going to find it on the internet though it's not completely impossible but I know it's rare indeed. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have to get off the net, forget about dating apps and get yourself into the real world.

Unfortunately, for me dating apps are the safest way to try meet someone. Not many pubs or clubs around here that I can go to and feel safe when a man approaches me (and they do). At least on a dating app I can explain my gender stuff without immediate fear of getting a kicking.

Anyways, I don't want to make this about me - Ive had enough threads already.

Shine2018

AllForIt wrote: »

I find it just crazy that young ppl these days think that the way to find a partner is through dating apps. How do you OP think ppl got together before the internet?

I personally have never met anyone who either ended up being a friend or a long time lover/bf where I met them off a dating app.

The ones I have were ppl I met in bars and/or nightclubs, the old fashioned way.

I suggest to you that you really need to get out and socialise more if you want a meaningful relationship. Your never going to find it on the internet though it's not completely impossible but I know it's rare indeed. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have to get off the net, forget about dating apps and get yourself into the real world.

I do go out ... I mean I don’t drink alcohol so I don’t frequent pubs but I’m no hermit either. It’s much easier to manage rejection online than subject oneself to potential public humiliation in a mixed social setting. I wish I were as fearless as a friend of mine but I’m mildly self-conscious. There’s only so Lgbt-specific platforms available outside Dublin.

I do plan on adding at least 1 more activity to my routine next year - swimming lessons. My agenda is purely for personal development but at least I can cite it.

Thanks for your input. I didn’t think you were overly blunt at all

wakka12

AllForIt wrote: »

I find it just crazy that young ppl these days think that the way to find a partner is through dating apps. How do you OP think ppl got together before the internet?

I personally have never met anyone who either ended up being a friend or a long time lover/bf where I met them off a dating app.

The ones I have were ppl I met in bars and/or nightclubs, the old fashioned way.

I suggest to you that you really need to get out and socialise more if you want a meaningful relationship. Your never going to find it on the internet though it's not completely impossible but I know it's rare indeed. I'm sorry to be so blunt but you have to get off the net, forget about dating apps and get yourself into the real world.

I don't see how meeting somebody while drunk in a dark nightclub increases chances of finding love over grindr or tinder tbh. I was lucky enough to have met my bf through college..but its hard for a lot of lgbt people to find somebody to date without using dating apps imo. I live in a very liberal kind of area and out of all my social circles and stuff I still only know about 10-15 gay guys personally, so Im sure its much less for many other people, online dating just gives gay people a much larger pool of partners to choose from

imme

OP,
your position is not unprecedented.

'Online' has a lot to answer for, in general, for society I mean.

Does it condition us, put situations in place that wouldn't happen/occur without it.

Undoubtedly.

The phrases/terms that you use in terms of your prospective relationships, 'mind-games, disaster-dates ....' are mostly internet-age related.

I am familiar with some of them, unfamiliar with others.
Maybe that says something about my age or internet use.

Does the way you use 'online' in the search for a bf/ relationship have anything to do with your situation.

Shine2018

imme wrote: »

OP,
your position is not unprecedented.

'Online' has a lot to answer for, in general, for society I mean.

Does it condition us, put situations in place that wouldn't happen/occur without it.

Undoubtedly.

The phrases/terms that you use in terms of your prospective relationships, 'mind-games, disaster-dates ....' are mostly internet-age related.

I am familiar with some of them, unfamiliar with others.
Maybe that says something about my age or internet use.

Does the way you use 'online' in the search for a bf/ relationship have anything to do with your situation.

I don’t know, maybe it does. It’s kinda hard to analyze the situation for oneself and the process is quite solitary so I couldn’t exactly have a friend or someone observe and provide feedback.

If only online dating came with an instruction manual ...

imme

Shine2018 wrote: »

I don’t know, maybe it does. It’s kinda hard to analyze the situation for oneself and the process is quite solitary so I couldn’t exactly have a friend or someone observe and provide feedback.

If only online dating came with an instruction manual ...

the same could be said for life, where's my manual?

I raised the issue of the way you said that you interacted as you raised it in the first place,

you said that you could realise that you had or were subject to certain 'online' responses/actions, mind-games etc etc

Are your seemingly predetermined actions that surprising.