Aspergers relative, how to cope?

FA NG

My brother is in his mid 30's and was recently diagnosed with aspergers. Its really not a surprise as his whole life he's always been very different but I always just put it down to our dysfunctional upbringing.
He's one of many reasons as to why I have social anxiety albeit he's one major reason, he's always been very aggressive and abusive, as kids he would constantly hit me, steal and break my things, call me names and I was always frightened of him and constantly walking on egg shells. He would blame me for everything and if I tried to speak he would scream at me to shut up, call me stupid, idiot and 'inferior human' was a phrase he often used. He had anger problems and could snap and become violent at any moment. He would also become very possessive of me.
Late teens/early 20's he made some friends and mellowed out although was still very critical and could have outbursts of anger, we became quite close as we had mutual friends. He suggested I move in with him as I was starting college and he lived near my university.
I was in my first serious relationship at this time and after I agreed to move in with him he started interfering with me and my boyfriend, making up lies trying to get us to split up, it became clear a few months later he was doing this to ensure I stuck with the plan to move into his apartment as he wanted me paying half the rent.
After moving in he made my life hell, spread rumours about me around campus, had an extra key cut for my bedroom and went through my things, stole money ect. Wouldnt allow me to have my own key for the apartment, stole my food, made me wash his dishes and was very controlling of me. I moved out after about 8 months when I could.
Over the years this continued, he was hacking into my facebook and emails, checking my online activity. I was basically property to him, he saw me as some extension of himself which he could manipulate and abuse. He was spreading lies that I was sleeping around ect. The list is endless.
I finally cut all contact with him as his behaviour was so toxic.
After his recent diagnosis he seems to be getting help, we havnt spoken about it but he was home over Christmas and he was nicer, less domineering and a little bit more considerate, there hasnt been any arguments between him and my parents which is a first. Last night he was in the kitchen while I was cooking and he kept walking up and down the room repeatedly and dragging his feet. I asked him to stop dragging his feet (it was irritating), he told me I have 'sensory issues' and implied I have aspergers too. It really triggered me as again he was treating my like an extension of himself and taking no responsibility for how he was behaving. I snapped and told him to go away and that he was annoying me.
I feel guilty for snapping at him as I understand the aspergers makes it difficult for him to comprehend when he's doing something wrong or being mean but at the same time I dont think it should be an excuse for his nasty behaviour. I can never trust him again or have a healthy relationship with him as I dont think he'll ever truly respect me or my boundaries. I dont want to hurt him, despite everything that's happened it hurts me to see him hurt but how do I continue a civil relationship with him while also protecting myself? It just seems like every interaction we have his default is to put me down.

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Sorry to hear you've been through all that.

I know a few people with Aspergers - some it's hardly noticeable unless you are really looking for it, and some it obviously cripples their ability to function. Luckily I've not had to experience the severe controlling nature you have described.

The good news here is you have a diagnosis now. Your brother is receiving treatment. And you have noticed a markable improvement in his behaviour. I realise the more irritating OCD like repetitive behaviours can grate, but it does seem he is trying.

Trusting him ever again might be difficult. And although it does sound like he would have problems understanding your point of view, have you thought about seeking counseling for yourself, or is there any kind of service available where you could have a shared counselling session with you and him (and possibly other family members) - under the supervision of the people treating his condition? I apologise if that sounds patronising - it sounds like an awful position to be in.

FA NG

Thanks JackTaylorFan, unfortunately counselling wouldnt be an option. My parents were advised on multiple occasions to seek help for him when he was a teenager but his issues where swept under the carpet, it's unlikely they'll agree to it now. They are aware of his diagnosis but it hasnt ever been spoken about. Besides this I wouldnt have the money to seek family or relationship counselling and he doesn't live near me. Its just not an option but I appreciate the suggestion.

JackTaylorFan

FA NG wrote: »

<Snip>

Yeah, if he was brought up in 90's Ireland a lot of these issues would have been ignored or overlooked.

Without meaning to sound like I am judging your parents or anything - but it doesn't seem that they are really helping themselves or you and your brother.

Since you seem to live a fair distance away from him, perhaps you can carry on with your life and deal with him on special occasions then. Not ideal, I know, but understandable if nobody else in the family is even willing to acknowledge the issue.

Sorry, again, OP.

I'll bow out now.


Wishing you and yours well

Cash_Q

Hi, firstly it is great that your brother has a diagnosis as this can help him to access services. Aspergers, as you may already know, is an Autism Spectrum Disorder. With this in mind, you could check out Irish Autism Action. I cannot paste a link here but if you check their website and look for 'good to know' there is a section detailing support groups around the country.

While your parents might not be interested in attending counselling, you could perhaps attend alone? I know that financially its not always an option but the Irish Autism Action support groups could help. It is awful that your brother treated you badly in the past. A huge amount of behaviours associated with autism spectrum disorders stem from anxiety. That doesn't excuse his mistreatment of you but can help you to understand what drives him.

Teyla Emmagan

Just keep your distance from him. He may have Asperger's but he also sounds like a prick. I don't know how much of that is the Asperger's but you don't need to make excuses for him. You don't need to put up with him. He obviously doesn't take responsibility for himself. Maybe he will learn to but from the sound of it you have given him more than enough chances. You don't need to give him more because he's suddenly been diagnosed. If he wants to have a relationship with you let him work for it. He has a lot of damage to undo.

s7ryf3925pivug

Didn't need to read all of that to say cut him out totally. This is just a terrible person, nothing to do with aspergers. Some people use diagnoses like that as an excuse or to manipulate people, even when their behaviour is not actually resulting from the condition.

juneg

My understanding is that there is no diagnosis of aspergers anymore. Since 2013 at least, The correct diagnosis as given by a psychologist is Autism spectrum disorder.

s7ryf3925pivug

juneg wrote: »

My understanding is that there is no diagnosis of aspergers anymore. Since 2013 at least, The correct diagnosis as given by a psychologist is Autism spectrum disorder.

I understand that people diagnosed before 2013 are still called aspergers.

Aspergers is just autism without delayed speech anyway.

juneg

Zayd Lively Weirdo wrote: »

Aspergers is just autism without delayed speech anyway.

That's absolutely not true and is far too general and simplistic a statement to make. No psychologist would stand over that.

s7ryf3925pivug

juneg wrote: »

That's absolutely not true and is far too general and simplistic a statement to make. No psychologist would stand over that.

They now just call it an autism spectrum disorder though, and it is a defining difference. While aspergers means no cognitive impairment, autism doesnt necessarily mean cognitive impairment. There are people with autism who don't fit an aspergers diagnosis who are more high functioning than most aspies.

Emme

OP I am sorry that you have been treated so badly.

I have met some people who fall into the "Aspergers" category and they weren't like your brother at all. They had some more quirks than most people but weren't violent or abusive. I am still in contact with some of them.

How does your brother treat your parents and how does he treat other people?

I would advise you to continue having minimal contact with your brother or none at all. There doesn't seem to be any point in having a relationship with him as he is unlikely to change. Treat him like you would treat a narcissist - NO CONTACT. A diagnosis of Aspergers is no excuse for his terrible behaviour.