Nostalgia eating me up

LegacyUser

Im struggling with getting older and the fear and anxiety of change and what the future brings literally keeps me up at night. My last grandparent is dying. Her mind is very active, she's a 30 year old in a 90 year olds body but she doesnt have long left to live. I cant imagine a life without her in it.
It also hit me today that this year will have been the last Christmas as ive always known it. The family tradition of spending Christmas in my grandmothers will be no more after this year.

I lost my other grandparents over the last 3 years, this also meant we had to sell a grandparents house which was my childhood second home and where I practically grew up. My grandparents had moved in in the 50's when they got married and raised their family there. I always had a sense of nostalgia and a feel for the past when visiting their home, it was like walking into a time warp, although in a tasteful way, it was never tacky or overdone. Just simple and like nothing ever changed. The thoughts of strangers living there now feels so unnatural.

My mothers health is deteriorating. She has smoked more than 20 cigarettes a day for over 40 years, she has serious smokers cough and rather than cut down she guzzles bottles cough medicine daily. I actually think this has become an addiction, she asked me for a bottle of cough medicine for Christmas.
She has other physical health problems which require medication, if she doesnt take these she's in crippling pain and bed ridden. She doesnt eat healthy, she lives off frozen processed foods, its rare theres ever fruit or veg in the house unless I buy some and she never eats it anyway. Her teeth a falling out as a result of gum disease. If I stay in my parents house, at night time I hear cough her lungs up while shes sleeping and wince and shout in pain when she moves.

The older ive gotten my friendships have dwindled to almost nothing and the few friends I have are incredibly boring. Theyre good company sometimes but the suggestion of going for a pint, taking a trip or doing something fun, theyve no interest whatsoever. One of them goes to bed by 7pm every evening.

My 20's were raked with mental health issues that stemmed from parental emotional abuse and being in a toxic environment during those years, I tried to get help multiple times over this period but the irish mental health system is an absolute rigmarole, ive never felt more alone than when I tried to seek help as I realised the available 'supports' where a mask with little substance behind them. these years effected my ability to form friendships, made me incredibly introspective, nervous of people and neurotic. I didnt have support from family or friends so I slipped into a deep mental illness. It also left me with difficulty communicating, its as if I lost my voice and stringing a coherent sentence together is very difficult for me now. I come across sounding like an idiot and much younger than my years. Before my 20's I used to debate with people on all sorts of issues, people would stop to listen to me and encourage me to continue. Now I cant handle basic chit chat or an everyday conversation.

I cant help feeling anxious and nostalgic for my teenage years, before the mental health issues, when I had friends, all my family were alive and healthy, I was pretty and had so much hope for the future. Everything was exciting and now everything is riddled with fear and feelings of inadequacy.

I dont know why im posting, I suppose I needed to vent and hope someone can offer feedback or perspective. Thanks. x

zoobizoo

Have you gone down the route of a private therapist?


You have experienced a lot of grief recently and you're coming to terms with another death.

As for friends, I was in a similar place in my early 30s..... . Boring friends who didn't want to do anything. Joined a club of a hobby I had just discovered and made friends through that. Am in touch more often with them than old school friends.

It's never too late to meet people as there are always people in the same boat.

never_mind

I feel bad for you OP but unfortunately this situation is not unique and one that is is most families.

I’m guessing you are around 30 yourself or a bit younger and that you are transitioning into that period of our lives when those we love begin to die around us. You should try and spend time with your grandmother while she is still here but you never know she could make it to 100! Either way, this is life.. we come and we go, and each of us has to face this fact. However you are focusing on the destination and not this journey. You will create new traditions and new memories over time. I saw one of those silly inspirational posts on FB recently that said that we don’t realise the good old times until they are gone. Try and see every dah and every change as a gift.

Getting involved in a club or whatever might be good for you too. Have you considered going to your gp about your mood or is it mostly ok?