He's flat broke...

SATSUMA

My boyfriend of 3 months is always broke. He's very well educated and could be a high earner in his industry. However, hes chosen not to work as he is trying to set up a business, for the last 2 years... this is his dream.

Its very early days for us but the fact he doesnt have any money really bothers me. Ive got a good job and i work hard to get what i need/want. Im not material driven but when your other half has NOTHING? He hasnt fallen on hard times hes choosing this lifestyle.

Hes never bought me dinner. Id be happy with Nandos! He cant afford that. I didnt get an xmas gift. I would have been delighted with a bunch of flowers.

I really like him. Hes such a lovely guy in many ways. I just dont know if i can continue like this. Its so early in our relationship and i feel we missed the honeymoon stage. I just find the fact he cant resource himself so unnattractive. But i really like him too!

Any thoughts?

Akrasia

You say he's trying to set up a businesses. Is he actually doing this or just using it as an excuse to not look for a job?

s15r330

Never even bought dinner and no xmas present no matter how small?
They'd be warning signs for me anyway. I'd be moving on.

padd b1975

He's very well educated......

Sounds like an eternal student who is suddenly starting to learn about real life.

Sit him down and tell him to use his education to find a proper job and learn more about how the business world works for a few years.

Dakota Dan

Dump him or else you'll be setting yourself up for a life of misery. Plenty more fish in the pond. Setting up a business? Does he work at it, invest money in it or is he just using it as an excuse not to work?

Ultimate Seduction

Why does he have to buy you nandos? Why don't you bring him.

SATSUMA

Ultimate Seduction wrote: »

Why does he have to buy you nandos? Why don't you bring him.

I have bought dinner several times.

punisher5112

Ultimate Seduction wrote: »

Why does he have to buy you nandos? Why don't you bring him.

I suppose cause she is the one doing all the buying and buying oh and buying....


Had a girl like that... Turns out she was a complete user and got quite a nice bit off me and I got absolutely nothing back.

What a waster.

punisher5112

Op plenty more out there.

I would run.

Can't understand the attraction to someone that can't look after themselves.

bucketybuck

Thread title is inaccurate.

You don't care that he is broke, your problem is that he seems to be lazy and shiftless and you are concerned about the reasons "why" he is broke.

And you should be.

Ursus Horribilis

Money is one of the biggest causes of break-ups and divorces. At its core, it sounds like the two of you are incompatible. You would think that even if money was tight, he'd stretch to something as a present. Does he ever pay for anything when ye go out or is it you always footing the bill?

OU812

He’s not going to change.

You need to sit him down and explain to him that this is the reason that you’re breaking up, wish him well and don’t look back.

He’s stingy. Even if broke I was always able to find the money for a gift. Do tell him.

Tbf. If you are starting a business you can't just magic it into you earning 50 grand a year. I started my own business and in the 1st year I made €12000 profit. This also involved long hours. Some of that needed to be reinvested too. I had enough to look after myself but luxuries like buying dinner we're out.

You must have a sense of how hard he is working. If he is doing very little then I'd be worried. If you like him stick with it and forget about the dinner and flowers if he is working hard. It is early yet

Ursus Horribilis

Suresanders, were you in a relationship at the time? And if so, would you still have bought your other half something? Even something small?

December2012

Is he lazy? How many hours does he work at his business? Does he have a business plan, grant, resources, staff?

Who pays for his accommodation and his upkeep?

What are your ages?

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Ursus Horribilis

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Suresanders, were you in a relationship at the time? And if so, would you still have bought your other half something? Even something small?

Yes in a relationship with my wife. (girlfriend at the time) I did buy her a Christmas present. €20. Yes he should have bought a present. But it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. But that's my opinion I suppose. I asked her. She said she would be extremely peed off but I wouldn't have got the road. It's all about how hard he is working for me and not how much money he has.

Ursus Horribilis

I guess it's where you draw the line between money being tight and an inherent meanness. Immaturity and someone still living the life of a student.

whoopsadoodles

[Deleted User] wrote: »

It's all about how hard he is working for me and not how much money he has.

This would be the same for me.

If he has been working his arse off trying to get his dream business off the ground then I would be a lot more lenient.

If he has been reading "how to get rich" books and moving from business idea to business idea for two years then that sounds like he just doesn't want to work for anyone else which usually means he's a lazy sh*t.

They're both very very different people and I'd have no issue pushing through hard times with the former but would find the latter extremelg unattractive.

Big Bag of Chips

SATSUMA wrote: »

My boyfriend of 3 months is always broke. He's very well educated and could be a high earner in his industry. However, hes chosen not to work as he is trying to set up a business, for the last 2 years... this is his dream.

It's unclear if he's actually doing anything to set up this business or if it is in fact just "his dream". How wealthy he is wouldn't bother me. What I would find difficult to live with is a sense of entitlement and not doing much about moving in to the working adult world.

Ursus Horribilis

And maybe if he's trying to set up his own business for 2 years and it's not happening, he's not very good at it. Is this business actually going or is he talking a lot about it? My friend's husband set up his own business this year. I can't remember the exact timeline now but he definitely had it up and running within a couple of months.

Turtwig

Does he have a business plan? Ask him if you could help with his business plan. If he has no business plan, not even a mere draft of one, then you know this business ambition of his is likely very unrealistic.

Kidchameleon

Does he show you affection in non materialistic ways? Why does how much money he has come into it? To be honest OP you sound like a bit of a gold-digger. If he started making millions would you change your tune?

Dial Hard

Kidchameleon wrote:

Does he show you affection in non materialistic ways? Why does how much money he has come into it? To be honest OP you sound like a bit of a gold-digger. If he started making millions would you change your tune?

She sounds like anything but a gold-digger, FFS. If she was a gold-digger she wouldn't have started seeing him in the first place.

And it's not materialistic to want your partner to at least be able to support themselves. I was out of work for most of this year and I wouldn't even consider dating that entire time because I literally wouldn't have been able to afford to buy myself a drink, let alone the other person. Asking why money comes into it is beyond obtuse. It costs money to do stuff. That's where it comes into it.

s15r330

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Does he show you affection in non materialistic ways? Why does how much money he has come into it? To be honest OP you sound like a bit of a gold-digger. If he started making millions would you change your tune?

Cop on, of course money comes into it.
Hardly a gold digger for wanting a more equal relationship, if anyone sounds like a leech it is your man.

Before I met my gf, soon to be my wife I had boxes I needed to be ticked in a potential partner, good job was one of them.

We both have good jobs which is going to provide us, and our kids (when we have them) with the type of lives and opportunities that we want.

Anyone who says money doesn't come into it hasn't a clue.

Ursus Horribilis

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Does he show you affection in non materialistic ways? Why does how much money he has come into it? To be honest OP you sound like a bit of a gold-digger. If he started making millions would you change your tune?

Seriously?? Did you even read the original post?

The OP sounds like anything but a gold digger to me. She's hard working and has a good job. She's the one who's paying for all their dates and yer man doesn't appear to be putting his hand in his pocket for anything. She says she'd have been happy with a bunch of flowers off him for Christmas but she got zilch. I bet she bought him a present.

Larbre34

As someone who has angel invested in a few startups and who has some good connections in the game, I would tell the OP to have this conversation with dreamboy.

A) No investor, banker, mentor / advisor will give you 100% of anything, money, sweat equity, guidance. You need a lot of your own capital to bring to the table, all forms of it.

Any investment ive ever been convinced of, has been promoted by hard working, motivated, goal driven, strategic thinkers. Folk who work in their own field, or even in any gig to build up some capital, while building up their idea and taking considered advice to get into their new business full-time.

I would suggest getting this lad to visit his Local Enterprise Office, if he hasnt already,for some free advice. It might but free, but it wont be comfortable.

If that doesnt shake him into life, theres no reason the OP has to put up with his terrible attitude and approach - he's deluded, you owe yourself a more ambitious and optimistic life, move on.

Kidchameleon

Theres more ways to profess your love than putting your hand in your pocket. If hes a great guy in every way except he's at a time in life where he hasnt a dime perhaps OP should be more understanding and supportive. If he's so dedicated to his business then he could well end up with big bucks.

Ursus Horribilis

It is a seriously big reach to be calling the OP a gold digger though. It's a horrible thing to be saying to her without any supporting evidence.

GingerLily

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Theres more ways to profess your love than putting your hand in your pocket. If hes a great guy in every way except he's at a time in life where he hasnt a dime perhaps OP should be more understanding and supportive. If he's so dedicated to his business then he could well end up with big bucks.

But no Christmas present - not even DIY handmade present or card? He sounds mean with money going by the little the OP has said.

Ursus Horribilis

If the OP was a gold digger she'd have ditched him long ago because he doesn't seem to have two coins to rub together. He's surely not that poor that he can't stretch to a bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates though. If you were on a tight budget you'd pick up something reasonable in Aldi or Lidl.

We could do with knowing more though. Is the business up and running? Has he ever worked anywhere? What does he do all day? Has he a business plan? Many of us have encountered people who are all talk and full of ideas but never actually do anything about them. Is this guy one of those or is he genuinely trying?

dr.fuzzenstein

Dakota Dan wrote: »

Dump him or else you'll be setting yourself up for a life of misery. Plenty more fish in the pond. Setting up a business? Does he work at it, invest money in it or is he just using it as an excuse not to work?

Oh yeah, "dump that loser". That's very negative and lazy advice. Based on eff all.
You don't know anything about the business the OPs other half is building, the finer details of their relationship, we'd need to find out what he does, how much time he invests, is the business coming on or is it a bust, or is the boyfriend a waster who spends his days on the couch gaming whilst having delusional dreams of creating another world beater in his chosen field?
And I'm a firm believer that relationship or any other life advice should never be "you must do X, Y and Z", but to help the person find the answer that's right for them.

Dial Hard

Kidchameleon wrote:

Theres more ways to profess your love than putting your hand in your pocket.

Literally not one single person on this thread has suggested that love and money are in any way related.

They literally cannot afford to anything at all as a couple unless she pays for it. And it sounds as if she's done plenty of that. And no doubt someone will go "They don't have to always go out-out" but there are only so many bloody walks on the beach and other "free" activities that you can do. People (not just couples) generally want to participate in activities that, unfortunately, tend to require money. I have an absolute pain in my face saying no to everything because I can't afford it. I've missed out on loads of stuff this year because of it.

Accepting the reality of how difficult it is to be around or with someone who's flat broke isn't materialistic. It's just real life.

faceman

Have friends who were once in a similar boat. He was working on his business on the back of his PhD. He was broke for years but she stood by him all the way. Now I’ve no insight into how broke he was and whether he even splashed a few quid out on small gifts when he could but either way she carried them both financially.

4 years later and he’s minted. So much so that she has been able to give up work. Lucky sods.

MissShihTzu

faceman wrote: »

Have friends who were once in a similar boat. He was working on his business on the back of his PhD. He was broke for years but she stood by him all the way. Now I’ve no insight into how broke he was and whether he even splashed a few quid out on small gifts when he could but either way she carried them both financially.

4 years later and he’s minted. So much so that she has been able to give up work. Lucky sods.

There you have it. A great business idea, sound financial planning and the hard work and drive to make it happen.

Has your bloke got or done any of these things, OP? Or is he wishing on a star?

Hope it works for you. Personally, I would look for evidence he is at least trying. If not? He needs to hit the pavement!

Rachiee

No matter how broke you are there are ways of doing small gifts. My favourite gift off my girlfriend this year cost 7 euro in pennys. He could have gotten a picture frame from deals for 1.50 and printed out a picture of them together.
You are gonna miss out if he's broke what he's doing to make up for it is what would make the difference for me.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

homerjay2005

too much talk about money here. it should be about how he treats her, what his ambitions are and whether or not he is a complete spoofer.

MissShihTzu

It's not all about money, I agree. It's about the gumption and drive to make life happen for him, whether it be his business or anything else the OP's boyfriends wants to do rather than building castles in the air. Talk does not pay the bills!

Pelvis

Look, the only people who are that broke are living on the street. Not getting a xmas card or forking out once for dinner in 3 months is the sign of a miser.

I wouldn't be surprised if the guy has a small fortune in his account, he's just too cheap to spend any of it.

This does not bode well OP.

punisher5112

Girl run run quite fast quite fast.

SATSUMA

OP here

Thanks for all the opinions its really interesting to see what others think!

Ive had a good think and im going to have a chat with him. I need to find out what his plans are with regard to resourcing himself this year. (By the way we are both mid - late 30's) i was hesitant to do so as its such a new relationship but its best we are both on the same page.

Thanks for the opinions!

punisher5112

Even a teenager that has no money gets his gf something....

splinter65

SATSUMA wrote: »

OP here

Thanks for all the opinions its really interesting to see what others think!

Ive had a good think and im going to have a chat with him. I need to find out what his plans are with regard to resourcing himself this year. (By the way we are both mid - late 30's) i was hesitant to do so as its such a new relationship but its best we are both on the same page.

Thanks for the opinions!

Satsuma he’s going to either
1. apologize sincerely for not being in a position to treat you as well as he knows you deserve, but assure you that he has decided that if he can’t get an investor for his business plan by Easter he will honestly take the first entry level job he can get so he can be an equal partner in your relationship. Or
2. Get into a complete huff and accuse you of never shutting up about bloody money, after all you DO know he’s trying his best and he THOUGHT that you understood, if you don’t then there’s no point in going on....
Either way, if you don’t walk away you’ll be back here posting the same stuff this Day next year...

Esse85

SATSUMA wrote: »

OP here

Thanks for all the opinions its really interesting to see what others think!

Ive had a good think and im going to have a chat with him. I need to find out what his plans are with regard to resourcing himself this year. (By the way we are both mid - late 30's) i was hesitant to do so as its such a new relationship but its best we are both on the same page.

Thanks for the opinions!

So he's in his mid to late 30s, he's been trying to setup his business the past 2 years, he's "NOTHING" to his name.

What's he been doing prior to that?

To me it sounds like he doesn't take the relationship seriously, did he even mention he wouldn't be getting you an Xmas present?

Ye're on different levels and different stages of ye're life, money and lack of it causes major stress, when there's such a massive financial imbalance its hard to see how this 3 month relationship will survive any further as you didn't mention his circumstances would change anytime soon either.

Unless your happy to fork out every time, which clearly your not, then cut the cord and don't commit to a relationship with someone until you've a better indication of their financial means.

Body Fat Estimate

Dial Hard wrote: »

She sounds like anything but a gold-digger, FFS. If she was a gold-digger she wouldn't have started seeing him in the first place.

And it's not materialistic to want your partner to at least be able to support themselves. I was out of work for most of this year and I wouldn't even consider dating that entire time because I literally wouldn't have been able to afford to buy myself a drink, let alone the other person. Asking why money comes into it is beyond obtuse. It costs money to do stuff. That's where it comes into it.

Have to agree. I'm working but my salary at the moment is not even covering my expenditure. It will eventually but not for a few years. Obviously I could save a bit of money by living off porridge and noodles etc but I'm not doing that.

Whilst I have been interested in a couple of ladies, even though it was seemingly obvious that they were interested too...the fact that I am broke as F means I have little or no sex drive and no real desire in that regard. So, meh :mad:

Which is frustrating in a way, but perhaps it is natures defense or something like that :pac:

In a bizarre way I kind of feel bad, cause they probably don't know how broke I am, they might think that I didn't fancy them.

Ursus Horribilis

His age puts a different complex on this. I thought he was a lad in his mid twenties who was straight out of college. We can only go on what you've told us but it's opening up new questions here. Such as what did he work at up until now and what was his work track record like? What does he have to show for all those years working? Does he have a house? A car? Do you have any insight into why his previous relationships didn't work out? Someone mentioned that there's too much talk about money here and maybe they've a point. The way I look at it though, financial incompatibilities ruin relationships. If this guy's a miser, you've a problem. If he's poor at managing his money, you still have a problem. Already it has become an issue and rightly so.

Big Bag of Chips

SATSUMA wrote: »

However, hes chosen not to work

So does he not work, at all? One would assume if someone was building up their business that they would be working, very hard, at that! From your post thought it sounds like he's not even doing that? Is he in receipt of social welfare? Unemployment benefit? Or has he organised any grants?

LegacyUser

Sounds like he doesn't respect you - if its an issue now it will most likely be a massive one down the line.

I couldn't even imagine a woman buying me dinner several times and not once returning the favour. Zero respect for you in my eyes.