Finding life tough

LegacyUser

I'm a mid twenties student who is having a tough time, I can't really put a time frame on it, things have always been tough but I suppose they have been magnified by Christmas. On the outside I would appear fairly well put together, I do well academically, I keep my obligations for the most part, I'm friendly and try my best to help others, but in truth, I'm dying on the inside.

I had an abusive childhood, it has left me with a lot of scars. I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I have done a lot of work in counselling, I take medication daily, I'm still suffering badly. Earlier this year I went to Pieta House after the suicide of a family member, I was having suicidal ideation myself before the death but it really ramped up after. I found it to be a very difficult process, it was somewhat helpful but in someways, no longer suicidal, but in other ways I think I'm worse since I went. My anxiety is barely manageable, I have lost weight due to a loss of appetite (not such a bad thing in fairness), my chronic insomnia was worsened and I was like a walking zombie at times, sometimes adreniline pumps through my body for hours and I just can't stop shivering, it has gotten to the point where I am vomiting due to the severity of the anxiety, as I write this my stomach is churning.

I feel like I have done so many of the right things, years of counselling, medication etc. and my conditions are only getting worse. I feel incredibly lonely all of the time but I find being around people unbearable. I have no relationship with 1 parent and 1 sibling, and a limited relationship with the other parent and other sibling, this is to look after myself after everything that went on. My extended family are okay, but it's made clear to me that there is a favourite and I'm not it, it seems silly as I am an adult, but it still hurts to see a sibling get support and care and be left out in the cold. I have good friends too, who in reality are far better than any family, but this is all so far above their pay grade and hate the idea of putting stress on anyone else, a lot or this stuff is very dark.

I feel like I'm screaming into the abyss. I don't want miracles, I just want to be okay, I want to love and be loved, I want to enjoy life and reach my personal goals. Some days I'm okay, other days I'm in unimaginable pain physically, mentally and emotionally. Sometimes all I would like is a hug, but I just can't ask for it as my abusers/parents took advantage of any sign of vulnerability so even the thought of that leaves me feeling overwhelmed with anxiety.

Right now I'm facing heading back into college, which I used to love, it was my happy place. But the level of anxiety that I was dealing with last semester while trying to manage deadlines and exams has left me so raw that I am now scared of what next semester is going to be like.

I know that I should go to my G.P. and I know that I should go back to counselling, but having been on the merry go round that is mental health services in this country since I was child I'm just sick of doing the same thing and getting what feels like no results. Again I'm just screaming into an abyss, I just feel rather hopeless and so incredibly alone.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here, I suppose if anyone has any sage wisdom it would be much appreciated. But mostly, I just writing this out and having someone take the time to read and listen to how I am feeling is helpful in itself. Anyway sorry for the long post, I just need to get some of the poison out of me.

Metric Tensor

Hi OP,

Happened upon the post and couldn't leave without answering although I have no experience or qualifications to help. It's a bad time of year for people with difficulties in their life because there's a forced narrative of happiness.

Hang in there and don't give up on the people who are trained to deal with these things.

eet fuk

As the above poster said, this can be a rough time of year if you’re depressed/anxious. Keep on fighting and try to take it one day at a time - even just one hour at a time.

You seem to be doing all the right things by going to counseling and staying in touch with friends. Make sure to look after yourself physically too - don’t eat too much junk and drink plenty of water.

Airyfairy12

Having been on the irish mental health services merry-go-round myself I know exactly what you mean, it's like running on a threadmill. I decided to give it one last chance but after spending hundreds of euros of my savings on previous counsellors and as I was unemployed and on social welfare I couldnt afford to pay anyone so went back to my gp who put my name forward for free counselling, I was put on a waiting list and told I would be contacted as soon as there was an available counsellor, a year on I still havnt heard anything back from them. Irish mental health system is a total waste of time imo, but sure we have those darkness into light marathons..arent we great altogether!

I won't drone on about 'positive thinking' too much but I will say try focus hard on positive mental health, read books on cbt, positive thinking and start setting goals.
Try not to focus on the past or the toxic people in your life and the negative situations they create. It's a slippery slope and the more you focus on whats wrong in your life the more you spiral into bad mental health and it can be very hard to come back from that.
You can't control other people, you can only control yourself and how to react to those environments. Other peoples behaviour says everything about them and nothing about you, theres no need to take responsibility for other peoples ****ty behaviour.

Have you any hobbies? It might be beneficial to have one or two healthy outlets when youre having a bad day. Keeping a journal is also a great way to get those thoughts and feelings out and it can put things into perspective too.

Look after yourself.

368100

I know you say you don't want to put this on any of your friends but you describe them as good friends, and any good friend would rather you share doing this rather than struggle through it on your own.

They don't need to have a solution for you, just to listen. My advice is pick one friend who you are closest to and who you can trust and open up. Sometimes just getting it out to someone that you know cares is a good start to getting better.

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

If you are struggling Christmas just exacerbates whatever is lying in wait under the surface the rest of the year. I don't know, I guess what I am going through is a little different than most here... but I can relate to some of the things you mentioned.

I am another one on waiting lists for counselors. And people have suggested all kinds of self-help stuff to me: mindfulness; CBT finding a hobby. I find a hug or a warm arm around my shoulder from a friend is better than all those.
But when I'm at my worst sometimes nothing really helps.

I wish had some sage advice -I don't. But as others have mentioned, having a friend you can trust with all this is good for you right now.

Hope things get better for you

99nsr125

You are not alone, even when it feels like that you are not

We may not be standing beside you but we are with you always

<SNIP - no need to quote entire OP>

99nsr125

99nsr125 wrote: »

You are not alone, even when it feels like that you are not

We may not be standing beside you but we are with you always

I mean what I said in my post
<SNIP>

We are always here for you

dudara

Please note that offering to send or receive PMs in Personal Issues is expressly forbidden. This is to protect more vulnerable members from predators or those who wish to exploit them

dudara