What should I do? Forbidden Fruit?

Up Donegal

h

Of course you shouldn't tell her. what would you be offering her except misery and a falling out with her own sister? Do you not think she'd be straight over to tell mary her husband has lost the plot?

You need to get your act together and focus on your marriage. Either work on it or let it go because you don't love mary, not because you're chasing decades old crushes and whimsical daydreams of saving the day.

Ursus Horribilis

Your wife is conspicuous by her absence here. Only for a couple of brief mentions, this is all about Eileen. There isn't even an "I love my wife" thrown in here. She might as well be chopped liver, for all you've got to tell us about Mary. You also don't seem to be particularly concerned or aware of the consequences of telling Eileen how you feel. This isn't a Hollywood romcom or a Mills & Boon novel you know. If you break up with your wife you're going to learn the hard way what separations do to you. It'll cost you a serious amount of money, you'll most likely end up having to find somewhere new to live, your mutual friends will side with your wife and you kids will hate you for wrecking their home. Oh, and why do you think Eileen would want to get with her sister's husband? She has come out of a bad marriage - why would she want to take up with her brother in law and ruin her relationship with her sister?

You need to keep your trap shut and decide what you want to do about your wife and your marriage. Y'know - that thing where you vow to spend the rest of your life with some and to forsake all others.....

server down

Yeh. Mary doesn’t seem to exist. You are very aware of Eileen’s feelings and upsets and nothing about Mary.

Aspadeaspade

You've lost the plot. It's concerning that your so called 'friends' are egging you on with declaring yourself to her as well. Sounds like they have nothing better to do and want to watch you ruin your life and that of your family's..

Estrellita

Look at how ridiculous this would be, if the silly fantasy came true. Uncle has left Auntie Mary and is now dating Mam. This isn't a soap opera, you stand to hurt people here.

Your friends are telling you what you want to hear, that does not mean it's good advice.

There is no mention of love for your wife, nor do you seem to have thought about how your actions would effect her. It's incredibly selfish of you.

If you do love her, then you need to work on your marriage and take a step back from her sister. You're too emotionally involved. Imagine how hurt she would be to learn she was second choice.

If you had these feelings years ago for Eileen, why on earth did you marry Mary? I can't have Eileen, so Mary will do? I feel very sorry for her. The years she has given you, and you have so little respect for her.

You take your friends bad advice, then watch this go nuclear.

JackTaylorFan

Wow! If this isn't a rejected script from an episode of Glenroe, then I feel very sorry for Mary.

OP, cop the hell on. The only thing you'll do by confessing these feeling is destroy a sisters' relationship. Your friends give terrible advice - but, sure, they might just want to see what happens for the laugh, like.

Let Eileen get on with her life.

padser

Hello OP,

You have gotten the usual sanctimonious answers that dominate when someone asks a question that doesn't neatly fit into a box of what people think others should do.

I'll try and give you a more thought out and less judgemental answer.

Firstly, when you post a story like this online, it is by its nature an abeviated version. That means, lots of pertinent facts get omited. This is likely less of an issue when you have spoken to your close friends. If they have more context and background, and are advising you to go for it, you should put much more weight on their opinions.

I've no idea how your wife would react if she found out, or indeed whether you care how she reacts - just make sure you have thought those questions through.

Finally, you should think through the likelihood that Eileen reciprocates your feelings - if you believe she likely doesn't, you may put yourself through pain for no reason.

As a parting thought, don't discount the fact that she may be the one for you!

amtc

Ok, this is all in your head. You need to be very careful how you approach Eileen. As a woman recently out of an abusive relationship you can offer support but that's it at the moment. Of course she'd tell her sister and you'd lose everyone!

I should, from the other point of view, tell you that my uncle is married to a woman who is on her fourth husband...and her sister is married to the previous one of my uncle's wife. But it only works as they never see each other.

Ursus Horribilis

OP, if you want to tell Eileen how you feel, then you'd better put in the groundwork first. Split from your wife and get the separation sorted. Then tell her.. How does that sound to you?

server down

padser wrote: »

Hello OP,

You have gotten the usual sanctimonious answers that dominate when someone asks a question that doesn't neatly fit into a box of what people think others should do.

I'll try and give you a more thought out and less judgemental answer.

There is a fair bit of sanctimony in that answer.

Firstly, when you post a story like this online, it is by its nature an abeviated version. That means, lots of pertinent facts get omited. This is likely less of an issue when you have spoken to your close friends. If they have more context and background, and are advising you to go for it, you should put much more weight on their opinions.

The story is definitely abridged - does he have children, does he get on with his wife. We can infer that both are true because of he didn’t have children, or his wife was a monster, or the marriage was cold he would say as a justification. He didn’t mention her except to relate her to Eileen. His close friends - Irish males rarely know each other that well to give advice.

I've no idea how your wife would react if she found out, or indeed whether you care how she reacts - just make sure you have thought those questions through.

I think we can have a good guess here. If the OP’s plans work out she will lose her husband and her sister - only a saint would keep talking to a sister who took her husband. And they seem very close. If the OP’s plan fails she might still divorce him. She’s hardly going to keep visiting the sister with him in tow.

Finally, you should think through the likelihood that Eileen reciprocates your feelings - if you believe she likely doesn't, you may put yourself through pain for no reason.

There no indication that she does right? He certainly didn’t say and he’s a bit delusional.

As a parting thought, don't discount the fact that she may be the one for you!

The belief in “the one” is a major problem to my mind.

y0ssar1an22

best solution?

come on eileen :pac::pac:

dudara

y0ssar1an22 - please take the time to read the PI charter before posting again. Your post is not to the standard required here.

dudara

eviltwin

I think this is one of the most selfish posts I've read here in a long time. It's all about you, how you feel, what is best for you, what you want...

You barely mention the two women at all and don't acknowledge their feelings in this. Its like they are supporting characters in a film all about you.

Park your ego to one side and consider your wife and her feelings. Consider Eileen who has come out of a difficult relationship and who needs support, not her horny brother in law abusing his position and putting her in another terrible situation. Think about how telling her your feelings is going to leave her with a huge burden and the impact it will have on her relationship with Mary, her support structure.

I don't know if your feelings are genuine or if there is an element of wanting to be a knight in shining armour and 'saving' this woman. Its very narcissistic.

Do the decent thing and get your house in order with your wife before you start trying to line up her replacement.

December2012

If your spouse is not the person that you love most in the world, then
a) work on your marriage or
Work on the best way to end your marriage

bobsman

Do you love your wife OP? The whole Eileen thing is a fantasy. Look at the reality. If you two got together, it would create so much heartache. Could you live with that?? You don't mention how Eileen feels. She more than likely sees you as a brother in law, nothing else.

Big Bag of Chips

Eileen has enough going in in her life at the moment without you throwing more chaos her way. You've managed to survive for 30 odd years without declaring your feelings, you can go on for another bit. You need to decide if your feelings for your wife are strong enough to work on your marriage. I'm sure she's not going along in blissful ignorance. You seem indifferent to her. She'll feel that. Maybe she's happy enough with that setup for now.

Saying anything to Eileen is a crazy idea. What would you hope to come from it? That you leave your wife and get together with her? How would that work within the family? That you don't leave your wife, but she and you start and affair? Really? Or that you tell her you don't want to do anything about it but you just wanted her to know?

It's not a good idea. Not whilst you are very much married to her sister. It's not a fairy tale or a film. It's real life with real life people involved.

MissShihTzu

Nothing wrong with a bit of escapism. Reading your OP, it sounds just like that. It also sounds as if you're suffering a bit of a mid-life crisis, I'm sorry to say.

I think you need to have a serious think about what's at stake. Do you realise if you show your hand here, the amount of lives you will destroy? Not to mention you don't even know what your SiL feels about it. You also run the risk of huge embarrassment all round if you go in with both feet...