Christmas With or Without Family?

JackTaylorFan

This year, I decided I didn't want any part of it. I am estranged to most my immediate family anyway, as they reject me because I am transgender. At all recent family gatherings I have attended, I inevitably ended up having to defend my identity to these people. In one instance, a few Christmases ago, I was actually physically assaulted by a certain inebriated sibling for just daring to exist.

The two members of my family I do have a speaking relationship with (mother and sister), don't make time for me any other time of the year either. They say they are always too busy (always some excuse, something or someone else they'd rather be seeing) - but I really don't think it would kill them to actually say yes to getting a coffee with me once every six months. And so I'm kinda just done with it all. I have no interest in family anymore. And I can't imagine, for the life of me, why they can't understand why I might feel this way after years of being completely ignored at every other time of the year - bar the odd text on my birthday.

Luckily, this year, on the build up to the Christmas, I had the opportunity to catch up with a few close friends - which made me feel less alone than usual at this time of year. But Christmas day itself, my friends are naturally all busy with their own families.

So I spent Christmas pretty much by reverting into a shell and hiding away from it all. Today, I woke late in the evening and messaged some of my friends online who live overseas; we talked about my planned visit come the new year. I can't wait till January. I don't really care about spending time with family nowadays. I talked to my sister and mother briefly this evening, but because they don't put any effort into seeing me throughout the rest of the year, I don't really have much time for them anymore. My sister said she missed seeing me today; I told her I've missed seeing her all year

Maz2016

That’s a sad read. I hope you get some more contact with your family. Maybe your sister was reaching out to you on the phone. As for me, I spent time at home - it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Happy Christmas

JackTaylorFan

Maz2016 wrote: »

That’s a sad read. I hope you get some more contact with your family. Maybe your sister was reaching out to you on the phone. As for me, I spent time at home - it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Happy Christmas

Thanks Maz. I guess I was a bit tipsy when I posted this. Truth is, I couldn't care if I don't see the majority of my family ever again - bar mother and sister.

My sister probably was reaching out - I guess she tried. Just, it would have been nice if she had made an effort any other time of the year. I don't know. I don't constantly hound her for company, but a coffee once in a while is not that difficult. She always makes time for our other siblings throughout the year. Her message felt more like an obligation than anything else.

Anyways, nothing to be done - it is what it is.

Thanks again.

Hope your Christmas was more cheerful.

Maz2016

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Thanks Maz. I guess I was a bit tipsy when I posted this. Truth is, I couldn't care if I don't see the majority of my family ever again - bar mother and sister.

My sister probably was reaching out - I guess she tried. Just, it would have been nice if she had made an effort any other time of the year. I don't know. I don't constantly hound her for company, but a coffee once in a while is not that difficult. She always makes time for our other siblings throughout the year. Her message felt more like an obligation than anything else.

Anyways, nothing to be done - it is what it is.

Thanks again.

Hope your Christmas was more cheerful.

Maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. Send her a text and ask if she fancies meeting for a coffee next week. Sometimes we have to be the bigger person. I had a strained relationship with an old friend and that's what I did.

Either way enjoy the planning for your travels, the looking forward to the holiday is the best part

Ten of Swords

Hope January is better for you JTF, enjoy your trip.

JackTaylorFan

Thanks for the replies, guys. I guess this time gets to me more than I let on.

But can't wait for January - I plan on making up for Christmas

splinter65

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, guys. I guess this time gets to me more than I let on.

But can't wait for January - I plan on making up for Christmas

Christmas is terrible. It’s over now. Whatever you do, don’t believe that your mother wasn’t thinking about you yesterday and everyday because she was.
She might have been thinking that your nothing but a pain in the arse, but she was thinking about you.
When you go on your holliers send her a postcard.
If you let it totally break down it becomes too hard to build that bridge when you actually need to.
One of you needs to be “big” and it’s going to have to be you.
A brief postcard every now and again.
That’ll do it .
Happy New Year.

JackTaylorFan

splinter65 wrote: »

She might have been thinking that your nothing but a pain in the arse, but she was thinking about you.

Well, I don't know how anybody could get that impression of me... :pac: but I take your point.

The postcard suggestion sounds lovely even if I dare say, a little old fashioned. Might do it anyway. But I must say, it's not for lack of trying on my part that it has gotten to this stage. Whenever I'm about town, I call her up to ask her if she can come have lunch with me... She either doesn't answer, or is doing something... I don't know... I can't force it...

Anyways, now, that the festivities are all but over and I'm sober as I type, it feels less important.

I'm going to enjoy my trip, my friends can't wait to see me either. So I'll be okay.

A happy New Year to you as well

lottpaul

A definite downside of Christmas is that it reminds us of the family tensions that lurk beneath the surface and while we can ignore or downplay them for much of the year they really can get to you at this time. It's no consolation I know, but if it helps almost every family I know has similar circumstances. I have a sister in law who hasn't spoken to us since 2011 - and a period of many years in the early 2000s as well. She's seemingly the life and soul of many get togethers but our very existence seems to irritate the hell out of her.
But thats her loss, and your own familys silences towards you are theirs also. I agree a little about sending the odd postcard etc but in the final shakedown you have to look out for yourself above all else. We get one life to live -- and we need to live it to the full.

Have a blast in the US and lift your head high for 2018.

JackTaylorFan

lottpaul wrote: »

Have a blast in the US and lift your head high for 2018.

The US? I think my ticket says England - at least I hope it does... I have been known to make mistakes like this in the past

but since you mention it, I do have a friend on the west coast I've been wanting to see... Perhaps I'll pop there next... Power of suggestion and all...

Hmmm... I wonder if I can get a €10 flight to LAX...


Thank you for the message.

And honestly, I'm feeling a lot better now that it's all over.

eviltwin

I come from a difficult background to the point that I'm only in contact with one sibling who lives in America. The rest and my mother I don't see. It's more common than we think. I find choosing friends who have since become my family has made all the difference. I hope your Christmas was as good as can be under the circumstances and that you have everything you wish for in 2018

splinter65

eviltwin wrote: »

I come from a difficult background to the point that I'm only in contact with one sibling who lives in America. The rest and my mother I don't see. It's more common than we think. I find choosing friends who have since become my family has made all the difference. I hope your Christmas was as good as can be under the circumstances and that you have everything you wish for in 2018

My best friend has 3 siblings (parents dead)
She has a cordial telephone relationship with her brother, but no contact with the other 2 despite them being not too far away.
She did try for a long time but there was no response so she had to leave it.
It’s very common.

JackTaylorFan

eviltwin wrote: »

I come from a difficult background to the point that I'm only in contact with one sibling who lives in America. The rest and my mother I don't see. It's more common than we think. I find choosing friends who have since become my family has made all the difference. I hope your Christmas was as good as can be under the circumstances and that you have everything you wish for in 2018

I know it's a bit of a cliche, but friends are the family we choose. And I'll be spending time with them come the new year.

A few years ago, I asked my mother about the possibility of me ever bringing a partner home to meet her at Christmas - this was a step too far. I think that soured our relationship a little. And now Christmas stands of a reminder just how different I am treated to my other sibling, who of course will have had their partners over.

Anyways, one of the reasons I started this thread here, through my inebriated haze, is because I knew I wasn't the only person in the LGBT community who has been ostracized by family. I'm not sure if the reason you have difficulty is to do with being LGBT or not. But thanks for sharing nonetheless. And sorry to hear you no longer have a relationship with your blood relatives either.

eviltwin

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

I know it's a bit of a cliche, but friends are the family we choose. And I'll be spending time with them come the new year.

A few years ago, I asked my mother about the possibility of me ever bringing a partner home to meet her at Christmas - this was a step too far. I think that soured our relationship a little. And now Christmas stands of a reminder just how different I am treated to my other sibling, who of course will have had their partners over.

Anyways, one of the reasons I started this thread here, through my inebriated haze, is because I knew I wasn't the only person in the LGBT community who has been ostracized by family. I'm not sure if the reason you have difficulty is to do with being LGBT or not. But thanks for sharing nonetheless. And sorry to hear you no longer have a relationship with your blood relatives either.

No not an LGBT issue. I think they would have been okay with that. It's difficult enough at this time of year when you are surrounded by images of happy families but mostly it's fine. I would be in regular contact with my brother and hear stuff about how the rest of them are behaving and I'm so glad I'm out of that now and not having to deal with it. My mental health has vastly improved since leaving all that behind.

AllForIt

JTF, my siltation with my family sounds like a carbon copy of yours. The one thing I know now from experience is that there is noting I can do or say that with change 'the way it is' - so when it comes to family interactions I decided a few years ago to put myself first always, which I have to say worked out very well - for my sanity. There was a point when every family occasion be it a weeding, a funeral, a special occasion I'd fell totally left out. I'd end up feeling very upset after such occasions because of the way I'd feel sidelined which I have put up with since I was a teenager.

This all came about because I was slightly different in personality from the rest of my siblings from a very young age, not because I'm gay per se. My 3 brothers were stereotypical country lads, loved football, driving, working on the farm etc, you get the picture. I on the other liked to cook and do indoor stuff. Additionaly my mum worked from home and I was the only one who would help her with it almost everyday. At xmas as a child I would make Christmas cakes that my mum would give away as gifts in the 80's. I would make half of the xmas dinner every xmas while the rest of siblings would do not a tap or cleverly do one thing just so noone could say they did noting at all. I would go to mass with mum every Sunday at 9.30 in the morning while the rest of them would only go once a month - whatever they could get away with. My older sister who I had a massive row with a year ago who I haven't talked to since was a bit of a Tom-Boy as a teenager who did eff all around the house and now as a grown married woman who married into wealth gets all the attention, as per usual. I hate her guts. I'm not the argumentative type but things came to a head last year and I exploded and I'm glad I did. I can't think why I'd ever talk to her every again and am happy never to see her again. I'm rabbiting on but all that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have spent the last 3 xmas's by myself and I'm immeasurable happy to do so than spend it with my family. I'm lucky in that I'm not the type to think there is something sad about this - I'm happy do do my own thing and I don't like society pressurising me into doing stuff I have no interest in doing. If I spent xmas with my family I would inevitably be reminded about 'the way it is' so I'd rather not, thanks. And I'm much better off psychologically for doing so I have to say.

I have no problem with xmas per se, if it wasn't for the fact that society pressurises one to engage in it, whether you like it not. It's not the commercialism of it that bothers me but what I just said about being forced to engage in it. It drives me crazy every year listening to media talk about homelessness and loneliness and so on when that all just comes their interest in xmas. Where is the concern for the rest of the year. I mean to be sad about ppl spending xmas on the streets to me just seems to me to be a passing temporary indulgence in concern without any real substance behind it. It's as if xmas is a physiological fantasy for some and those pesky homeless and lonely ppl just ruin the fantasy for them. To prove the point who talks about homelessness or lonely ppl a week later - on NYE - no, that's all passe by the end of the year.

Sorry I went off topic there a bit. My point to the OP is don't let anyone tell you that you have got something wrong, that maybe the way you feel is because you have misjudged the situation - you haven't - favouritism in families is a very real common thing and as far as I can see it is a reality of life that some would like to sweep under the carpet - making the situation worse for you leaving you feeling guilty for the way you feel. As I said in my opening paragraph - put yourself first - accept the situation in that you can't do anything about it - be your own man (figuratively speaking) and feck everyone else.

Maz2016

AllForIt wrote: »

JTF, my siltation with my family sounds like a carbon copy of yours. The one thing I know now from experience is that there is noting I can do or say that with change 'the way it is' - so when it comes to family interactions I decided a few years ago to put myself first always, which I have to say worked out very well - for my sanity. There was a point when every family occasion be it a weeding, a funeral, a special occasion I'd fell totally left out. I'd end up feeling very upset after such occasions because of the way I'd feel sidelined which I have put up with since I was a teenager.

This all came about because I was slightly different in personality from the rest of my siblings from a very young age, not because I'm gay per se. My 3 brothers were stereotypical country lads, loved football, driving, working on the farm etc, you get the picture. I on the other liked to cook and do indoor stuff. Additionaly my mum worked from home and I was the only one who would help her with it almost everyday. At xmas as a child I would make Christmas cakes that my mum would give away as gifts in the 80's. I would make half of the xmas dinner every xmas while the rest of siblings would do not a tap or cleverly do one thing just so noone could say they did noting at all. I would go to mass with mum every Sunday at 9.30 in the morning while the rest of them would only go once a month - whatever they could get away with. My older sister who I had a massive row with a year ago who I haven't talked to since was a bit of a Tom-Boy as a teenager who did eff all around the house and now as a grown married woman who married into wealth gets all the attention, as per usual. I hate her guts. I'm not the argumentative type but things came to a head last year and I exploded and I'm glad I did. I can't think why I'd ever talk to her every again and am happy never to see her again. I'm rabbiting on but all that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have spent the last 3 xmas's by myself and I'm immeasurable happy to do so than spend it with my family. I'm lucky in that I'm not the type to think there is something sad about this - I'm happy do do my own thing and I don't like society pressurising me into doing stuff I have no interest in doing. If I spent xmas with my family I would inevitably be reminded about 'the way it is' so I'd rather not, thanks. And I'm much better off psychologically for doing so I have to say.

I have no problem with xmas per se, if it wasn't for the fact that society pressurises one to engage in it, whether you like it not. It's not the commercialism of it that bothers me but what I just said about being forced to engage in it. It drives me crazy every year listening to media talk about homelessness and loneliness and so on when that all just comes their interest in xmas. Where is the concern for the rest of the year. I mean to be sad about ppl spending xmas on the streets to me just seems to me to be a passing temporary indulgence in concern without any real substance behind it. It's as if xmas is a physiological fantasy for some and those pesky homeless and lonely ppl just ruin the fantasy for them. To prove the point who talks about homelessness or lonely ppl a week later - on NYE - no, that's all passe by the end of the year.

Sorry I went off topic there a bit. My point to the OP is don't let anyone tell you that you have got something wrong, that maybe the way you feel is because you have misjudged the situation - you haven't - favouritism in families is a very real common thing and as far as I can see it is a reality of life that some would like to sweep under the carpet - making the situation worse for you leaving you feeling guilty for the way you feel. As I said in my opening paragraph - put yourself first - accept the situation in that you can't do anything about it - be your own man (figuratively speaking) and feck everyone else.

An interesting read AllForIt. You gave a very honest view of things. Some/a lot of things in that I can relate to but not to the same severity as yours. Makes you think, I bet there is 1000's in a similar situation. You seem happy now in your own skin and that's important - never lose that. I spent Christmas with the family but love my own company as well. I think if you are a person that likes your own company it helps (if that makes sense)

JackTaylorFan

AllForIt wrote: »

JTF, my siltation with my family sounds like a carbon copy of yours. The one thing I know now from experience is that there is noting I can do or say that with change 'the way it is' - so when it comes to family interactions I decided a few years ago to put myself first always, which I have to say worked out very well - for my sanity. There was a point when every family occasion be it a weeding, a funeral, a special occasion I'd fell totally left out. I'd end up feeling very upset after such occasions because of the way I'd feel sidelined which I have put up with since I was a teenager.

This all came about because I was slightly different in personality from the rest of my siblings from a very young age, not because I'm gay per se. My 3 brothers were stereotypical country lads, loved football, driving, working on the farm etc, you get the picture. I on the other liked to cook and do indoor stuff. Additionaly my mum worked from home and I was the only one who would help her with it almost everyday. At xmas as a child I would make Christmas cakes that my mum would give away as gifts in the 80's. I would make half of the xmas dinner every xmas while the rest of siblings would do not a tap or cleverly do one thing just so noone could say they did noting at all. I would go to mass with mum every Sunday at 9.30 in the morning while the rest of them would only go once a month - whatever they could get away with. My older sister who I had a massive row with a year ago who I haven't talked to since was a bit of a Tom-Boy as a teenager who did eff all around the house and now as a grown married woman who married into wealth gets all the attention, as per usual. I hate her guts. I'm not the argumentative type but things came to a head last year and I exploded and I'm glad I did. I can't think why I'd ever talk to her every again and am happy never to see her again. I'm rabbiting on but all that is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have spent the last 3 xmas's by myself and I'm immeasurable happy to do so than spend it with my family. I'm lucky in that I'm not the type to think there is something sad about this - I'm happy do do my own thing and I don't like society pressurising me into doing stuff I have no interest in doing. If I spent xmas with my family I would inevitably be reminded about 'the way it is' so I'd rather not, thanks. And I'm much better off psychologically for doing so I have to say.

I have no problem with xmas per se, if it wasn't for the fact that society pressurises one to engage in it, whether you like it not. It's not the commercialism of it that bothers me but what I just said about being forced to engage in it. It drives me crazy every year listening to media talk about homelessness and loneliness and so on when that all just comes their interest in xmas. Where is the concern for the rest of the year. I mean to be sad about ppl spending xmas on the streets to me just seems to me to be a passing temporary indulgence in concern without any real substance behind it. It's as if xmas is a physiological fantasy for some and those pesky homeless and lonely ppl just ruin the fantasy for them. To prove the point who talks about homelessness or lonely ppl a week later - on NYE - no, that's all passe by the end of the year.

Sorry I went off topic there a bit. My point to the OP is don't let anyone tell you that you have got something wrong, that maybe the way you feel is because you have misjudged the situation - you haven't - favouritism in families is a very real common thing and as far as I can see it is a reality of life that some would like to sweep under the carpet - making the situation worse for you leaving you feeling guilty for the way you feel. As I said in my opening paragraph - put yourself first - accept the situation in that you can't do anything about it - be your own man (figuratively speaking) and feck everyone else.

Thanks, a lot of that is very similar to my experience, yes. Same feeling of just taking it for years, and when you finally speak up the more domineering members of the family attack you. I had a very similar bust up with a sister, too.

Interesting you mention personality more than sexuality as being the reason you are not close with family. I think my gender and personality, and yes, sexuality too, are all intrinsically linked - so it plays a part. It was only when I opened up about my gender that it became really hostile for me with my relatives.

In my early twenties I was happy to avoid family situations, and Christmas didn't matter to me. But as I get older, a part of me is bothered by the isolation. Again, the commercialism of the season does not bother me. What I think I let get to me is the romantic notion that is perpetuated on every media outlet that tie of year is to be with loved ones - but when there's no one to love, and you can't even be around those who should always be there for you, it stings.

I really appreciate the reply... but just gonna correct you on one point, though, Woman here (sorry, but I'm always gonna be a little sensitive on this point)

wakka12

Don't try and force a relationship with your family if they're not good people. They don't deserve your effort just because you share the same blood. You only get one life, spend it on people who you appreciate and they you. You wouldn't go out of your way to keep in contact with friends who treated you this way so I honestly don't think family should get this special treatment.
Im so sorry they treat you that way, I know how easy it is for me to tell you to dismiss your family completely when in reality it is a big thing, but if they clearly make you feel this bad about yourself, maybe its for the best. I know I wouldn't spend another second on them, and Id leave it up to them if they want to keep contact.

AllForIt

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Thanks, a lot of that is very similar to my experience, yes. Same feeling of just taking it for years, and when you finally speak up the more domineering members of the family attack you. I had a very similar bust up with a sister, too.

Interesting you mention personality more than sexuality as being the reason you are not close with family. I think my gender and personality, and yes, sexuality too, are all intrinsically linked - so it plays a part. It was only when I opened up about my gender that it became really hostile for me with my relatives.

I think what I meant by personalty was meant in a very broad sense, basically who you are, what you like, what you don't like, your views etc, and that includes ones sexuality. Revealing your sexuality was an act of affirming who you are to your family, so it's not surprising that any issues they have with you as a person would reveal itself after your self outting, not simply because of the sexuality issue.

In my early twenties I was happy to avoid family situations, and Christmas didn't matter to me. But as I get older, a part of me is bothered by the isolation.

In my twenties it didn't bother me either, but that is largely because I moved far away from home and my family issues didn't surface often because of lack of personal contact. Either, I hadn't really though about my relations with them much until I moved back near them where my issues with them solidified in my mind where I then had to deal with it.

When you say isolation I'm not sure if you mean isolation from your family or if your feeling isolated generally but in any case all I could say is one must find the most optimal place to live which will broaden one's scope of friends. Personally I'm feeling somewhat isolated currently but I'm working on getting the hell out of here to where I hope my social life will improve. I made many great friends and had a great social life when I lived abroad and that all vanished when I came back to Ireland living near my family.

Again, the commercialism of the season does not bother me. What I think I let get to me is the romantic notion that is perpetuated on every media outlet that tie of year is to be with loved ones - but when there's no one to love, and you can't even be around does who should always be there for you, it stings.

I agree. It is the Chatolic church that says that the family is most important. If only this was universally true but it patently is not. I'd imagine that if a survey was done to ask where the most distress one experiences in life come from I'd bet my last dime that family relations came at the top of the list.

I was amused recently when I was watching a RTE daytime TV show a few days before xmas and the topic of discussions was how to deal with difficult family members on xmas day. They openly admit that things come out of the woodwork during xmas which makes a total mockery of the whole occasion. It's like everyone knows that family aren't necessarily the best ppl in ones life but at xmas we'll pretend they are. As they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

I really appreciate the reply... but just gonna correct you on one point, though, Woman here (sorry, but I'm always gonna be a little sensitive on this point)

Well I did say "figuratively speaking". I didn't assume you were male in fact I didn't even think what your gender was. Be your own woman then : )

JackTaylorFan

wakka12 wrote: »

Don't try and force a relationship with your family if they're not good people. They don't deserve your effort just because you share the same blood. You only get one life, spend it on people who you appreciate and they you. You wouldn't go out of your way to keep in contact with friends who treated you this way so I honestly don't think family should get this special treatment.
Im so sorry they treat you that way, I know how easy it is for me to tell you to dismiss your family completely when in reality it is a big thing, but if they clearly make you feel this bad about yourself, maybe its for the best. I know I wouldn't spend another second on them, and Id leave it up to them if they want to keep contact.

I have cut ties with the more toxic relatives completely. The two members (mother and youngest sister) I mention here - are the only two that have shown me any kind of acceptance at all. But due to them not wishing to take sides - it often translates as doing and saying nothing and letting the rest of the family pile in with their bigoted opinions. My mother is happy being a grandmother now - and she likes spending time with her grandkids. I imagine if she came down on my side strongly, she would put her relationship with the mother and father of her grandchildren in jeopardy. It really is more complicated than it seems for her. But you are right, I should leave it to them to make contact. and it's what I intend to do.

Thanks for the reply.

JackTaylorFan

(Wow, my grammar fell apart in that last reply... anyways...)

AllForIt wrote: »

I think what I meant by personalty was meant in a very broad sense, basically who you are, what you like, what you don't like, your views etc, and that includes ones sexuality. Revealing your sexuality was an act of affirming who you are to your family, so it's not surprising that any issues they have with you as a person would reveal itself after your self outting, not simply because of the sexuality issue.

I've always been on the asexual gradient (little less so now - hormones have stirred things a little). My family always just assumed I was gay - and though I was obviously very effeminate in manner and appearance as long as it was never discussed - it was fine for them to pretend it wasn't a thing. Like many who have not come out to family, my existence around family was that of a husk. Once I finally asserted myself (not in aggressive manner) - that's when it became a problem. I think for a a few of my sibling they would have been fine with me if I was gay - but the trans thing, not a chance.

AllForIt wrote: »

In my twenties it didn't bother me either, but that is largely because I moved far away from home and my family issues didn't surface often because of lack of personal contact. Either, I hadn't really though about my relations with them much until I moved back near them where my issues with them solidified in my mind where I then had to deal with it.

Yeah, i get that.

AllForIt wrote: »

When you say isolation I'm not sure if you mean isolation from your family or if your feeling isolated generally but in any case all I could say is one must find the most optimal place to live which will broaden one's scope of friends. Personally I'm feeling somewhat isolated currently but I'm working on getting the hell out of here to where I hope my social life will improve. I made many great friends and had a great social life when I lived abroad and that all vanished when I came back to Ireland living near my family.

What I meant in this thread by "isolation" was most definitely the loneliness I feel in regards to my relationship with family.

In general, I still feel lonely a lot, but I have in the last year or so, made some meaningful friendships which stops me feeling overly isolated. I haven't really had a chance to live abroad, sometimes I wish I could afford to up and move sticks - to be closer to my friends overseas. But then again, there are far are worse places to be LGBT in the world than the west coast of Ireland.

AllForIt wrote: »

I agree. It is the Chatolic church that says that the family is most important. If only this was universally true but it patently is not. I'd imagine that if a survey was done to ask where the most distress one experiences in life come from I'd bet my last dime that family relations came at the top of the list.


I was amused recently when I was watching a RTE daytime TV show a few days before xmas and the topic of discussions was how to deal with difficult family members on xmas day. They openly admit that things come out of the woodwork during xmas which makes a total mockery of the whole occasion. It's like everyone knows that family aren't necessarily the best ppl in ones life but at xmas we'll pretend they are. As they say you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

I'd much rather have spent the Christmas with friends over family. But the few I have had other plans - mostly involving their own family. A few of these friends say they hate being with family at Christmas - but yet they do it anyway. I find it a little ironic. But that's what we are programmed to do for some strange reason

AllForIt wrote: »

Well I did say "figuratively speaking". I didn't assume you were male in fact I didn't even think what your gender was. Be your own woman then : )

Cheers. And again, my apologies - as I said very sensitive on this point.

Thanks again for your input.

Shine2018

I think you have the right of it by steering away. If they were going to improve their treatment of you, you would have seen precursors earlier in the year.

At least you have January to look forward, a dreary month to most people. As Rupaul says on drag race, we get to pick our own family as gay people. I know that’s easier said than done when you live in Ireland because the whole “adopted” gay family thing is not as prevalent. I do hope you find yourself a loving family, adopted or otherwise.

Happy new year in advance

JackTaylorFan

Yes, very much looking forward to January

Shine2018 wrote: »

Happy new year in advance

And many happy returns.

thereality

As Rupaul said as "As Gay People we get to choose our Family". You can have your biological family who the only links you may have is that you are related. Or you can have your other family, who is your actual family based on a common bond of actually liking each other. A lot immigrant's abroad overtime a second family, as they spend huge amounts of time with them.

The role of 'the family unit' is incredibly important to Irish people to the extent that you will see people with extremely dysfunctional relationships with family members still wanting a relationship with them. Americans and other nationalities are quite good at cutting ties with dysfunctional family members. Yet Irish people still want a relationship with parents who 'disagree with their lifestyle' or their 'choices'. I know LGBT people whose parents have treated them like **** for 10-20 years. It has caused them a ton of distress and problems. They would have been much better at moving on than trying to get love and affection from someone who they will never get it from.

OP I think you have finally realised that your family relationship is not particularly healthy for you. If a partner or a friend treated you like the way your family is treating you, you would end the relationship. I don't why just because they are family you should consider to pursue a relationship with family members who could care a lot more for you.

I think as Irish people, it is ingrained that you love your family regardless of how or whatever way they treat you. I personally don't speak to plenty of my family members, as I found they draining to be around. It was hard at first. But after a while I realised, I preferred not having a relationship with them than a dysfunctional one.

OP have you been to a trans /LGBT support group to discuss how others deal with difficult family situations? You might benefit from speaking to someone else about this. A lot of therapists offer reduced rates for low income individuals if you aren't in the position to pay full whack for it

AllForIt

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Cheers. And again, my apologies - as I said very sensitive on this point.

Thanks again for your input.

No bother whatsoever. All the best for 2018.

JackTaylorFan

thereality wrote: »

As Rupaul said as "As Gay People we get to choose our Family". You can have your biological family who the only links you may have is that you are related. Or you can have your other family, who is your actual family based on a common bond of actually liking each other. A lot immigrant's abroad overtime a second family, as they spend huge amounts of time with them.

The role of 'the family unit' is incredibly important to Irish people to the extent that you will see people with extremely dysfunctional relationships with family members still wanting a relationship with them. Americans and other nationalities are quite good at cutting ties with dysfunctional family members. Yet Irish people still want a relationship with parents who 'disagree with their lifestyle' or their 'choices'. I know LGBT people whose parents have treated them like **** for 10-20 years. It has caused them a ton of distress and problems. They would have been much better at moving on than trying to get love and affection from someone who they will never get it from.

OP I think you have finally realised that your family relationship is not particularly healthy for you. If a partner or a friend treated you like the way your family is treating you, you would end the relationship. I don't why just because they are family you should consider to pursue a relationship with family members who could care a lot more for you.

I think as Irish people, it is ingrained that you love your family regardless of how or whatever way they treat you. I personally don't speak to plenty of my family members, as I found they draining to be around. It was hard at first. But after a while I realised, I preferred not having a relationship with them than a dysfunctional one.

OP have you been to a trans /LGBT support group to discuss how others deal with difficult family situations? You might benefit from speaking to someone else about this. A lot of therapists offer reduced rates for low income individuals if you aren't in the position to pay full whack for it

To be honest, I realised a long time ago there was no hope to have any sort of civil relationship with my elder siblings... I would still like to keep contact with my mother and sister though - but I am not gonna bother unless there is a healthy back and forth - and right now, there is not.

As for support groups and stuff... I have never really got involved with the group meetings. I have a few LGBT friends scattered about who I talk to about everything - and they do seem to understand better than even my most empathetic non-LGBT friends. So maybe it would help to try a meet again.

Therapy and stuff: well, I can't really afford €70+ a pop at the moment. But I am looking into it. I'm currently on a waiting list for free counselling that my GP referred me to.

Thank you for your reply

thereality

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

As for support groups and stuff... I have never really got involved with the group meetings. I have a few LGBT friends scattered about who I talk to about everything - and they do seem to understand better than even my most empathetic non-LGBT friends. So maybe it would help to try a meet again.

AFAIK there is a lot of trans support groups out there. I would look into them more. I am not the biggest fan of LGBT groups at all. But I have been to things, that were excellent put things into perspective.

I say you found it quite overbearing being on your own at Xmas. You might have felt that way, if you found out it is pretty common among trans people to be a bit more isolated. You might find other trans people that you can connect better with

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Therapy and stuff: well, I can't really afford €70+ a pop at the moment. But I am looking into it. I'm currently on a waiting list for free counselling that my GP referred me to.

I would call a few counsellors in your area and ask if they do pro bono or reduced cost for individuals of more limited means. You will find a look of private counsellors will offer x amount of hours free per week or at a heavily discounted rate. A discounted rate won't be. But someone at €20 per hour is a lot better than waiting for maybe up to a year for a HSE councillor

JackTaylorFan

thereality wrote: »

AFAIK there is a lot of trans support groups out there. I would look into them more. I am not the biggest fan of LGBT groups at all. But I have been to things, that were excellent put things into perspective.

I say you found it quite overbearing being on your own at Xmas. You might have felt that way, if you found out it is pretty common among trans people to be a bit more isolated. You might find other trans people that you can connect better with

To be honest, most my experiences with other trans people have been rather unhelpful and unreliable. Some even rather toxic and cliquey. More than a few people I would rather never encounter again. Without meaning to sound dismissive of the suggestion, but these experiences turned me off support groups specific for transpeople very early on. And I do appreciate the thought. I believe I have other friends in the LGBT community that help.

And now that the holidays are done and dusted, I'm pretty much over it for another year.

thereality wrote: »

I would call a few counsellors in your area and ask if they do pro bono or reduced cost for individuals of more limited means. You will find a look of private counsellors will offer x amount of hours free per week or at a heavily discounted rate. A discounted rate won't be. But someone at €20 per hour is a lot better than waiting for maybe up to a year for a HSE councillor

I am aware of counselling at concession rates, yes. I have looked into it already. I may revisit in a few months. Right now that €20 I can just about afford, well, I'd rather spend on getting away for a few weeks to my friends. I have a chance to travel to the UK, and now Canada looks likely too. Truth is, I'll feel better with my friends than I would talking to someone who I have to pay for company. And I know that again sounds dismissive, but for me being around people who truly accept me is a far better medicine than any therapist just doing their duty of care.

Honestly, I really don't mean to poo-poo all your suggestions, as your time and effort is more than appreciated, but with Christmas gone, I want to move forward in 2018 and I think the best way to start that is get away for a bit. I'll probably revisit the idea of therapy when I get back though.