I have ruined my chance that he loves me again

CBCTer

I am feeling so down as I have ruined my Relationship with my husband but not being patient with him. A few months ago, my husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and had this feeling for a few years which broke my heart and I did not react too well to it and told the kids about it which he really did not like but I was so upset and did not want to hide the truth to them. After some time apart and him seing a counsellor we agree to try again, I was over the moon and the kids were delighted however I found it too hard that he showed me barely no affection that I lost the plot after a few week and told him to leave and inform the kids which again my husband was mad at. I thought when he agreed to come back it will be with a clean state and I really thought it was because he still has some love for me but that is not the case, he only cares for me as a friend and not as a wife. I should not have agreed for him to move back, I wanted us to try to re-link our relationship slowly but he was adamant that he wanted to move back with us. He is now mad at me, call me a bad mother for involving the kids, that I could not give him 6 months to try to sort out his feelings for me. I know my temper took the best of me but I was so upset that he refuses to talk, I had tried all week to have a discussion but he did not want so after another refusal I scream at him to leave and told the kids that he was leaving as I just could not take it anymore. I have ruined all chance to be with him, I am devastated. I don’t think I am a bad person but I know when i am under stress I don’t think clearly, I love him so much, I know in the past I did not put him first as with 3 kids a full time work and other things that i was involved with ,I was
so tired and I did resent him for letting me do most of the housework. I had a breakdown as I was feeling suicidal, doctors put me on medication for depression and I realise with counselling that I was depressed for a few years which could be the reason why my husband stop loving me as I couldn’t love myself as I wasn’t the person he used to know. I have contacted a counsellor as I don’t want to go back feeling suicidal , I am waiting for an answer if he could see me hopefully he will have some space for me after the holiday season. I just want my husband back but I am afraid I have damaged all chance by not giving the space he asked for. Sorry for the long post.

LegacyUser

The word "I" was used 38 times in your post.
On Christmas Day, the main focus should be on the 3 kids& Santa.
Your husband will do whatever he's going to do- you can't make him think or act differently.
The only person you have control over is yourself. The kids don't need to be involved in adult drama. Be the person you want to be- fake it until you make it. Everything else will fall into place after that.

khaldrogo

The ONLY reason you told the kids was to try to guilt him to not leave/come back. I would be angry at that tactic too

Seriously OP stop dragging your kids into all this. what are you putting them through? they must be so upset.
Do book that appointment and stop using them to guilt him

Aspadeaspade

you sound very selfish OP. Stop using your children to try and get your way and manipulate your husband. I hope you see the error of your ways soon. Get help.

CBCTer

The kids had a wonderful Christmas and they know that we both love them. I always put everyone else first before me but I reach breaking point, this post was written late at night when they were in bed. I know I should have handled situation better With the kids and I have apologised to them and to my husband, my eldest even told me that he prefer to know the truth. Furthermore, the situation happened a few days ago and I only post it now as kind of therapy and to have advise.

amtc

My parents went through stuff when I was small (and even later) and my mother told be everything as she didn't want me excluded.

In retrospect it was the wrong thing to do. I was a shuttlecock. To this day I have such a fear of arguments that I will turn myself inside out to avoid one. My friend accused me last week of pushing everyone away to test them.

So don't think that exposing your children to adult relationships is a good thing.

The best advice I can give is what a local priest told my mother...to give herself strength and I would take from it.

QueenRizla

OP I agree with other posters, you shouldn’t involve your kids to the level you have. It is too much for them to process emotionally and you are doing it to score points not because they ‘deserve to know the truth’.

However if he is saying doesn’t love you and hasn’t done for years, I’d be seriously questioning him asking for six months to ‘sort out his feelings for you’! It sounds like complete BS designed to buy him time for some reason and keep you hanging on. It is only going to torture you, it is quiete cruel as sounds like he has felt this way for years. I think you have to consider that you might be better off apart for everyone’s sanity, this limbo of waiting for him to fall back in love with you is a waste of time.

CBCTer

Thank you all for your comments. I have great kids who loves both their parents and I will never put them against their father.

Ursus Horribilis

I sense you're being manipulated to a certain extent and that this attempt at reconciliation was doomed anyway. I think your best course of action is to get your own house in order. It can't have been easy for anybody in your house if you've been depressed for all this time.

It's easy for me to say it but I think for now you should park any talk of a reconciliation and concentrate on getting yourself into a better place. Long term that might help your chances of getting back together with your husband. And if it doesn't work out, you'll have the tools to deal with that too. Like the others, I think you were wrong to involve the kids. Did you talk to them because you didn't feel you had anybody else to turn to? If that's the case, then it's time to put in place some other support network; family, friends, counsellor...

qwerty13

CBCTer wrote: »

Thank you all for your comments. I have great kids who loves both their parents and I will never put them against their father.

You have already ‘put them against their father’ three times, going by your OP. You have lined them up to take sides. That is a horrible, horrible thing to do to your kids.

You’ve made excuses to yourself re your temper, screaming, and not being able to think under stress. Not good enough for your kids. Not by a long shot.

CBCTer

No it is not good enough, I know. However I did not put them against their father by telling them as I did explain to them how much he loves them and that they don’t have to take sides, that our priority is them. My husband and I are speaking to each other, we are not at war. I just couldn’t handle anymore the situation, it was hurting me too much.

amtc

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. You're
In a haze. Just get through this very hard period of time.

I remember my mother going to pieces, vomiting over the kitchen sink, as she just not understand. In the middle of it all her dad was diagnosed with cancer and died after 10 days.

You know sometimes I wish my parents had separated. It's only now that my mother has built a life for herself...at 70. I regret the intimacy that she never had. I feel so sorry that she never had the strength to do it earlier.

Your husband is breadcrumbing you. Take support.

professore

By your own account you have been depressed for years, resenting your husband, losing your temper and screaming at him and then telling your kids he's the bad guy. I'm not surprised he wants to leave, he's just had enough of putting up with you. Would you stay with him if he did even a fraction of this?

professore

By your own account you have been depressed for years, resenting your husband, losing your temper and screaming at him and then telling your kids he's the bad guy. I'm not surprised he wants to leave, he's just had enough of putting up with you. Would you stay with him if he did even a fraction of this?

bucketybuck

CBCTer wrote: »

The kids had a wonderful Christmas

You think so?

Furthermore, the situation happened a few days ago

Yeah, who are you kidding.

QueenRizla

The OP has been honest about her failings, but I think people are being far too harsh. Raising 3 kids, working full time, suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts, with a husband who sees her as no more than a bloody ‘friend’ and not doing his share of the housework, i’d like to see some of the posters here who are giving her a hard time behave like a saintly wife and mother in those circumstances! The stress and frustration is going to take its toll mentally never mind your self esteem with the lack of affection and support.

up for anything

This stood out for me in big neon lights that he was angry: that I could not give him 6 months to try to sort out his feelings for me. I think regardless of everything else that you're too soft, OP. Sort out his feelings for you? That's a load of old cobblers. He knows what his feelings are for you. He's made that clear. He wants his cake and to eat it too. I can tell you that after six months he'll be off anyway.

I'm not sure why you're scolding the OP for being honest with her children. Children deserve to know the truth. Why should she lie and cover for him? It would hurt and confuse them more in the long run. Her husband hid the fact that he doesn't love her anymore for YEARS... not a few months but YEARS! He sounds like a selfish brat. You're looking after three children and holding down a full time job and he doesn't lift a finger in the house. I'd be bloody depressed too. I'd imagine that that your subconscious realised that he wasn't invested in you anymore which did nothing to help your mental health and in fact probably helped to break it down even more. If someone has fallen out of love it's pretty difficult to fall back into love. I'd also cherchez la femme. I'd bet a pound to a penny that there was someone and a breakdown in whatever plans they had is what made him adamant that he wanted to move back in. He sounds like a chap for the easy option every time.

Use the counselling to make yourself stronger and more independent of him rather than to try and get him back.