No longer have feelings for my girlfriend of five years

LegacyUser

I’ve been with my girlfriend five years. Lately I’ve seen us drifting apart. We’re always arguing. She always tells me how much she loves me but I don’t feel the same go be honest.

I don’t want to break her heart.

I love her to bits but I’m not IN love with her. I can’t see us being together in future because we just seem to want different things in life.

She always says how she sees us in future together but I don’t feel the same.

I find myself more and more attracted to other women.

I don’t want to end a five year relationship and break her heart. If she’s sad then do am I. Any pain she feels, I feel double.

I’m so trapped.

bobsman

****, that's a though one but you know what you have to do. You cannot keep pretending , it's unfair on you and ultimately unfair on her. How long have you felt this way?

Katgurl

You're not trapped.

It's an awful thing to hurt someone who has done nothing to deserve it but you can't change how you feel.

You will have to talk to her and tell her you no longer want to be in a relationship. Be kind but firm. It won't be easy but it's the right thing to do.

Subtle

I hate the mentality we have here in Ireland of just ending a relationship or marriage when things appear to have fizzled out... There are alternatives, like talking it out, as in proper talking, couple counselling etc.

Given the 5 years already invested in the relationship, I would recommend both of these steps before just giving up on things. If the relationship is genuinely at a dead end, then any counselling sessions will confirm this. But be prepared to be surprised... Even if you believe now that you both want different things in life, be prepared to be surprised...

But the sad reality is that most people just don't want to go there. Instead, the easier option is to move on. And then wonder why, in a few years time, the next relationship is in trouble...

Ghekko

Good point by Subtle. Have a chat and ask her if she has noticed that things aren't going so well, seeing as ye are arguing so much. Suggest counselling if you are willing to give it a go. If she won't go then there's not much you can do. Give it a chance anyway and if it doesn't work out at least you know you tried. If you do end up apart you will both get on with your lives and you shouldn't feel responsible for her happiness after that. I'd hate to think someone would stay with me out of a misplaced sense of duty. You owe it to yourself and her to be honest but make one last effort to see if you can make a go of things before you call it quits.

LegacyUser

Before you do anything, read a book called "The Course of Love" by Alain De Botton.
It'll stop you potentially ending a good relationship over what is basically- life. No point starting afresh with someone new if you're only going to find yourself in the same scenario 5 years into that relationship as well.
What have ye been arguing about?

I don't think the nuclear option is the first port of call here.
Surely there's something else going on to cause you to argue.
counselling sounds like it would be the best plan to start with.

jimmycrackcorm

Upset and very confused wrote:

I don’t want to end a five year relationship and break her heart. If she’s sad then do am I. Any pain she feels, I feel double.

Another way to look at it is that by continuing on you are preventing her being with someone who would actually be in love with her.

Ursus Horribilis

By all means try to save the relationship. But, if at the end of it all you still feel much the same and don't see a future with her, leaving is the kindest thing to do for both of you. If you feel trapped now, imagine how things will be if you start going down the road of marriage and kids and mortgages. You didn't say what age your girlfriend is or if she'd like to have kids. If they're not something that's going to happen while you're with her, then it's cruel to deprive her of the chance to find someone else who will love her.

bertsmom

Op if it was (it was not so long ago) me I would just bite the bullet and have that really difficult conversation. I would (did) just lay out the facts as they are, no point trying to make it easy it's Shiite and horrible BUT the alternative for both of us is worse.
I think you only live once and everyone deserves to be truly happy and with someone they truly love and reciprocates that. I would end it. I feel once the relationship gets to be hard work and your not looking forward to spending time together it's time to move on. I don't subscribe to the whole working on it and trying too hard to make it work,
I feel much happier two years on after a break up from a great bloke I was with for well over ten yrs. We just fizzled out and went our separate ways but we are still and always have been on good terms.
All you owe anyone no matter how much you did love her is honesty and to treat her respectfully and with kindness. Nobody should sacrifice their own happiness so as not to hurt somebody else, she would get over it and move on in time.

B.A._Baracus

It is soul searching time, op. You have to truly ask is this what you want (to break up with her) but either way you should sit down and have a chat with her. Be totally honest. Even if you are not in-love with her she is still your friend.

Because if you don't you run the risk of meeting someone else and cheating. From your side you could justify that and say how you were not in love anymore. But from the outside you would be that guy who hurt her by sleeping with someone else rather than just having a chat.

zoobizoo

You're talking about a few different things

1. Love / in love
2. Wanting different things
3. Finding others attractive


Is number two the cause of one and three???

What are the differences and are these causing the arguments?

Are they major differences in opinion / the way you want to live your lives?