what would you do

lukesmom

deleted just in case

mordeith

I'd say why are you still with him and why marry him in the first place?

lukesmom

I really don't know. I do love him. But if I could turn back the clock I would never have met him.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm not going to say you knew what he's like, but I will say you know what he's like. And he's not going to change. People can be forgiven in the early days for thinking people will change/will grow up/will grow out of it. Many do. Many don't. He could just as easily have been one of the ones who did cop on. But he didn't. And he won't.

You're effectively a single parent as it is. Except you have the worry and stress of having him as a constant in your life. How much different/worse would it be if you were to end things?

Lisha

I think you know mostly what people will say.

Do you gain anything from this relationship?

I suspect you were ok with his behaviour and now yiu are not.

Are you willing to put up eith this for the future? Is it still worth it?
I think you are worth more to be honest.

Happy Christmas and best of luck!

Big Bag of Chips

Do you love him though? Or is it just a habit now?

Ursus Horribilis

Have you ever tried going to counselling?

Realistically I don't know know what you can go other than try a grand gesture that might not work i.e. leave unless he changes his ways. He knows there are no consequences for his bad behaviour. An earful or two, then life continues on as normal. He is what he is and isn't going to change at this stage. You've been enabling him to a certain extent but I can understand why.

What is it that you'd like?

lukesmom

Do you not come to a certain point in your life and change. Stop going out getting drunk and not texting. I thought nearly hitting 40 would be the time that might happen but doesn't seem to be.

lukesmom

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Have you ever tried going to counselling?

Realistically I don't know know what you can go other than try a grand gesture that might not work i.e. leave unless he changes his ways. He knows there are no consequences for his bad behaviour. An earful or two, then life continues on as normal. He is what he is and isn't going to change at this stage. You've been enabling him to a certain extent but I can understand why.

What is it that you'd like?

For him to realise his behaviour is unacceptable. And I can't leave. Its our home and I know he would just sit tight and go on as normal thinking I'd be back.

Ursus Horribilis

He's not going to change, I don't think. I can see him being the very same at 50 and 60. 40 isn't a magic number where you suddenly grow up and act responsibly.

Do you have the means to split from him?

lukesmom

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

He's not going to change, I don't think. I can see him being the very same at 50 and 60. 40 isn't a magic number where you suddenly grow up and act responsibly.

Do you have the means to split from him?

No I don't at all. I'm back in college though and hopefully by the end of it I will be financially independent and would have the option. He's the love of my life but also a thorn on my side.

lukesmom

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Do you love him though? Or is it just a habit now?

Absolutely love him. I'm just as much in love with him as I was 20 years ago.

mordeith

lukesmom wrote: »

Absolutely love him. I'm just as much in love with him as I was 20 years ago.

What exactly is there to love? He's no support at all and just seems to cause you stress.

Big Bag of Chips

You ask "what would you do", but that's largely irrelevant, what do you want to do?

My friend married a similar man. Excuses at the start were "he's young", "he's just enjoying himself", "he'll grow out of it when we get a mortgage/have a baby/have a second baby/get married/when I leave him"

All of those things happen, and he is now that man approaching his 40s and nothing made him "grow out of it". Indeed as time went on he got worse. And blamed everyone and everything for his behaviour.

What do you want to happen? What do you believe will actually happen? And how will you deal with that?

Big Bag of Chips

sugarman wrote: »

What did people ever do before mobiles?

Plenty of anecdotal evidence of men disappearing to the pub and forgetting to come home back then. It didn't make it ok then, and it doesn't make it ok now.

A man who wants to continue living that life shouldn't commit to a person and start a family. Some might argue that she knew what he was like before settling down with him. Others might argue that it's reasonable to believe once children come along a person's priorities change. If you don't want to have to consider other people, then stay single.

I think if a mother was behaving like this it would be deemed wholly unacceptable. It shouldn't be any different for a father.

OP, you are enabling the behaviour. He has no reason to stop. So he's going to continue.

Colser

I know exactly what you're going through op and it's heartbreaking.He's sailing through life,one of the lads and you're picking up the slack and probably rearing his children while he lives the single life..it's a nightmare.

Threats won't work because he's heard them all before and knows you won't carry through with them..you need to take him off the pedestal you have him on and see him for what he is and for what he's doing you..

Love isn't enough unfortunately,they don't change and don't grow up..always one of the lads and family come second.

Eventually you won't take anymore and then you need to see a solicitor and start the separation process..he'll sit tight and claim to be the innocent party but you've got to stick with it..put yourself first.

It's so hurtful to be treated like that it's a physical pain but try to rise above it for your sanity and don't make idle threats .

Also don't cover for him...tell someone what you're putting up with ,you need someone you can trust to help you get through this.x

Big Bag of Chips

Colser wrote: »

put yourself first...

....Also don't cover for him...

These are 2 excellent points. How often do you put your needs/wants first ahead of his? Do you ever? And if you're not used to doing it, then you'll resist it for a long time.

And how much time do you spend pretending to everyone else that everything is fine? How often do you cover for him or tell a white lie about where he is, or why he's not at something with you?