Lonely at Christmas

ninesheep

I'm going to be spending Christmas alone again this year at my college accommodation.

My dad has significant mental health issues and is very difficult to be around and my mother has her own issues because of having to deal with dad so being at home is not a easy place to be.

I'm also gay and my family don't know, I don't want to be gay but I can't change it. It's something I can't come to terms with even with time and it just makes me feel even worse at home.

Last year I was on erasmus and decided to stay in the country I was on erasmus in for Christmas and because of that it made being alone a bit easier, the country didn't shut down like Ireland does on Christmas day so there were distractions.

My housemates are all gone home at the moment so I'm alone here now and it feels like its getting worse each day. I've hardly any money so all I do is wake up and watch TV programs or read and then do the same thing the next day. All my friends are home with their family and I'm seeing all their snapchats etc and I just feel so jealous and even more sad because I don't have anything like that with my family.

I don't want this to be my life but I don't see it changing. I feel like although I know my mother loves me that I'm actually alone because she just uses me as a way to make her feel better about her tough life with dad if that makes sense.

I feel like I've no close ties, i exist here not being thought about or cared for by anyone and I know I shouldnt need to be so dependent on anyone at 22 but I am, I just want to feel like someone is there for me. I know that sounds so soppy.

I've probably gone way off track but I was trying to find out if anyone knows how to make Christmas alone with no money (i can't even afford the bus to town) less lonely?

work

Not sure but you shoukd try with your mum. Gay should no longer be an issue....tell your mum if she cant accept you her loss.
Lonely and no money....Get a job will deal with both those issues. Volunteer at a charity to help over christmas. Have you any friends you can call into over christmas.....hooe this helps.
If your really struggling mentally call the samaritins....if financial get a job.
Good luck

Purple Mountain

To be honest would it really be worse going home for say 3 or 4 days over the holidays than in cold and lonely college digs?
If you're not ready to talk about your sexual orientation yet then park that for now.
Male the most of it. Go home and offer some kindness to your dad. We all know people with mental health issues and yes they can wear your patience sometimes but would you grin and bear it for a few days and maybe you might actually all get something positive from it?

Miss OMMC

I don't even know you and I care about you. I'm sure if your friends and family knew what you were going through, you'd realise that they care too. Consider reaching out.

I hope things improve for you. I'll send some light your way this Christmas.

ninesheep

Thanks for replying. I did try to get jobs for Christmas but wasn't successful and because I'm in college I couldn't get any permanent job. The no money part isn't nice but I really don't mind it a fraction as much as being alone.

I appreciate that it seems like I should just go home but I really cant but I understand the suggestion. Its hard to explain it all briefly but going home is too stressful for me, i went home a few weeks ago and all I heard was more crazy things dad did and get used by mom as someone for her to vent to. I can't take anymore of that and the guilt I have for being gay just compounds at home. My mams not a bad person but me being gay is completely unacceptable for her. She would not be able to handle it

Ursus Horribilis

If you feel you have to stay put, then try to see Christmas day as just one day in the week. Once it's over, normal life will start to resume. Is there any volunteering you could do on the day?

yogalady

where in the country are you based can I ask OP?

Have you told your friends you are spending Christmas day alone?

ninesheep

Yeah I was thinking of volunteering somewhere maybe I could do that. Based in Munster

One of my friends know

Ubbquittious

If you are around Cork I am organising a walk on Christmas day and it should be possible to arrange a lift for you

zoobizoo

Hey,

Would you put a call out to some of your friends.

A few years back a lad I knew was on his own for Christmas (he's from abroad) and I couldn't let him spend the day alone so brought him out to my parent's house for the day.

Or what about cousins / extended family?

It won't be for life. Once you finish college and working and earning your life will improve.

leahyl

ninesheep wrote: »

Yeah I was thinking of volunteering somewhere maybe I could do that. Based in Munster

One of my friends know

Would you be able to spend Christmas with one of your friends - I'm suprised that the one you told didn't invite you, although I know that everyone has their own plans for Christmas and maybe it wasn't possible.

I'm sorry you are on your own OP. I'm not sure what else to suggest as you say that you can't go home.

I wish you the best and hope you can get over this and just try to think of it as one day.

Have you any other family besides your parents that you could lean on or visit?

ninesheep

I wouldn't feel right being a burden on my friends over Christmas anyways. The friend that knows isn't Irish so I can see why I wouldn't really fit in with his Christmas, making everyone speak English etc.

Don't have extended family that i'd be close with either or even talk to.

I just wish I'd fall asleep and wake up in two weeks or something.

lukesmom

Hi op. Sorry you are feeling this way. Christmas is not always joyful. I understand you not wanting to be at home due to the element of stress and that is your prerogative. How about volunteering in a soup kitchen for Christmas day.if your at a loose end they can always use more hands and you would be mixing with other people. You have a lot going on family wise. It's understandable the feelings of anger and sadness. Regarding your sexual orientation it is completely normal to be gay. We are thankfully not in the dark ages anymore. Perhaps you will feel stronger about revealing you are gay a little later on down the road but please note that there is zero shame associated with it. I really recommend you speak to a counsellor. It can help enormously to speak to a friendly and empathetic person to help you move in the direction that is best for you. You deserve a rich and fulfilling life so do yourself a favour and see if college have any counsellors available (nearly all colleges have this facility). It's free through college also so that would solve the lack of funds. Best of luck op

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

I'm kinda in the same boat - regarding feeling lonely at Christmas.

I'm part of the LGBT community as well - and directly because of that fact I am not on speaking terms with 3/4s of my family. So being home at Christmas is a horrible experience for me. I also get the envy you feel when looking at friends' posts on social media. Most my friends are in their early 30s - settling down or married - and god how they do love to post updates of their picturesque lives. At this point in my life, I have accepted I will never have this. So anyways, one of my friends will be spending this Chirstmas with her first child, and oh does she love to share. I guess it helps to view these glimpses into other people's lives on snapchat as just that - as heavily filtered moments; happy smiling images the poster wants to portray to the world, but may not be the whole story. Maybe my friend's well-practiced smile is concealing the fact she suspects the father (also pictured) of their new-born daughter is secretly using Tinder to find other women. Maybe... Or perhaps I'm just extremely bitter in my early 30s and this kind of wishful thinking is the only thing that brings me joy anymore.

I think my point is: it's really unhealthy to compare your life to some snapchat updates.... or maybe it's not... I don't know...

Look, just don't end up like me, okay.

Bah-humbug

yogalady

Hi OP

Sorry to ask but where in the country will you be over christmas. If we know then maybe people could suggest supports available in your area over the christmas period

WIZWEB

Hi OP, I'm sorry for your situation. I agree that rather than dealing with the toxicity it's best to avoid the parental home. I find Xmas difficult too. I've a pretty lonely one ahead though in my case by choice. Though it looks like I'm inviting another scapegoat over (my brother) for a chicken dinner so I expect repercussions for acceding their control on this fake day lol. I'm gay too (and an atheist) but that's not a problem with my family. Other ongoing dramas are and I'm refusing to participate in them this year.

Lots of us don't want to be gay but the sooner you accept yourself others will. It may be too late to plan much for yourself on the big day but you'll survive it. Enjoy the peace from family dramas and volunteer if you need to get out and be sociable. Next year you may even be in a relationship for it and it could be a really special day. Be proud that considering your family circumstances you're making a life for yourself through college. When your career begins you'll be able to travel to escape all this if necessary. Plan ahead for next year so you're not stuck in a college dorm.

thierry14

How do you manage for money OP?

Ann84

Hi OP, sorry to hear your feeling lonely, Christmas can appear like bliss on Facebook but there are lots of people feeling like you so don’t feel alone!

I boycotted Christmas myself a few years ago for a number of reasons.. I stayed in my house share on my own, and I decided I was going to make it the best ever!!! I stayed in my pj’s, opened a bottle of wine, cooked my favorite food and watch home alone, it was amazing!!

If you are going to stay at home, try to enjoy yourself, treat yourself to some lovely food and try to enjoy it in your own way

Wanderer78

Op I'd recommend some counselling, college counselling services tend to be very good and free to all students. Best of luck and happy Christmas