Going to a solicitor- need advice

Esme266

Hi all
I am looking for some advice as my head is all over the place. I am going to a solicitor tomorrow for advice about maintenance and access in relation to my ex and our kids. My head is so all over the place the last 2 months since I ended the relationship. He has threatened many times about solicitors and how he has been given advice about all his entitlements and he has even threatened to take a case against my parents for interfering as he calls it. I need some advice on what exactly to ask the solicitor. I know it sounds ridiculous but my mind is a blank at the minute and don't want to waste her time just rambling and not actually saying what I want to say!!! We are not married and have 2 kids together. I've a child from a previous relationship who is 11 and refuses to go visit my ex. I am being blamed for that by my ex and am apparently influencing him.
Any help would be much appreciated.
Thanks

LynnGrace

I have no advice, OP, but there seems to be a lot of good links etc in this forum.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=1533

I hope that things go well for you. Take care.

Esme266

LynnGrace wrote: »

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Thanks for that

Big Bag of Chips

This is all new to you, but it is something your solicitor will deal with on a daily basis. She will guide you through and advise you. She will ask what you want. She will suggest what you might ask for/agree to. And she will work in your interests. There's nothing really to be afraid of. He has rights, but so do you.

Ursus Horribilis

As an aside, jotting down the main points you want to get across on a piece of paper might help if you're feeling nervous.

Hunchback

Agreed on the above. If you can get across what is actually happening, the solicitor then will ask the pertinent follow-on questions

Esme266

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

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I think that the main thing I need to know is what are my rights? He keeps throwing about threats of solicitors and blocking my parents from seeing the children even though they help with child care? A big factor is he blames them for influencing my decision and has told me that I won't know what hits me and he will go to town on me. I just need assurance really that although he has rights, he cant control everything. He can be very intimidating

Purple Mountain

The best advice I can give you is to make sure you use a solicitor who is well experienced in family law.
There's a very big difference in the ones who do this regularly ad opposed to the ones who do wills/probate etc and the occasional family law case imo.
Don't rise to your exs bit either.
Sounds like he's trying to rattle you.

Big Bag of Chips

Of course he can't control everything. The children have 2 parents, and you are the primary carer. He cannot decide that your parents cannot see the children. And even if he tries to enforce that, grandparents can go to court for rights to access to their grandchildren.

Your solicitor will have seen and heard all this, and worse, before. Listen to her advice. Many men huff and puff and throw their weight around a bit with threats of all sorts when partners finally leave. It won't be anything new or unusual to your solicitor.

Esme266

Purple Mountain wrote: »

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I had a mini breakdown at work on Monday.My boss called me in and i told him everything. He rang the solicitor straight away and got me the appointment for tomorrow. She specialised in family law and thank god I got there first because she's well known and she checked to see if my ex was already in her books. He's not. He is trying to rattle me and I don't like it as I'm having a bad time of it anyway. I think he's honestly trying to break me down so that I'll just give in and get back together

Esme266

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

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He's doing a lot of huffing and puffing. Especially when he feels like he's losing the control he's so used to having. I've never denied him access to the kids. I've been very accommodating and have let things go and not made an issue of them. I can't do that anymore. He's been late collecting the kids, has not shown up for hours. I don't want it to get messy or anything but I've no choice if he continues to try and manipulate me and let the kids doen

Big Bag of Chips

That is all about control. My friend has the same with her ex. He huffs and puffs about "my kids". How nobody will take his kids away from him. How nobody will tell him when he can or can't see them. It's all nonsense. He more often than not doesn't show up or cancels access last minute. He has lived about 3 minutes away from them for 3 years and could go 2 or 3 weeks without seeing them. He doesn't really want to see them, but of course he can't say that out loud. So instead he goes on and on about how much he wants to see them, but rarely backs it up with actions.

She's been threatened with everything you've been threatened with. (Which is why your solicitor will have heard it all. Your situation is definitely not unique.) It's all to just make life difficult for her. And not at all to actually get access to his children. Like you she has never denied him anything. She indeed has encouraged access. He doesn't really want it though.

Think about it: If you were separated from your children, would you be late for access? Would you regularly cancel it? Would you spend your time and energy arguing and antagonising the other parent, or would you concentrate on your limited time with your children?

Esme266

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

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God that's exactly it. I can never understand how he can go a week without seeing them and be ok with it. I could never do it. But then again when we were together he could do it. Maybe not a week but he could go 2 or 3 days not seeing them, they'd be in bed when he got back from pub. It is all about being seen to give a ****. All he cares about is what people are thinking or saying especially as we live in a small village.

Big Bag of Chips

Like I said, your situation is not unusual. Unfortunately for the children involved the exact same scenario is played out in thousands of homes in every village and town in the country.

Purple Mountain

Esme266 wrote: »

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That's really great you have a strong support network with your boss and your parents. That's important.
I've been to family law court myself in a similar but thankfully not nasty situation. The other piece of advice I can give is if either of you decide to go to court, family law court is closed camera so you won't be able to bring anyone in with you but have someone if possible outside in the lobby for support. Hand holding if you will.
Christmas blessings for you and your children.

Big Bag of Chips

Mod Note
Esme266, there's no need to quote every post when replying to it. There's certainly no need to quote the entire post. It just clogs the thread with duplicate text and makes it difficult for readers on the touch site to read the thread.

Ursus Horribilis

Esme266 wrote: »

I had a mini breakdown at work on Monday.My boss called me in and i told him everything. He rang the solicitor straight away and got me the appointment for tomorrow. She specialised in family law a...

Well done your boss, whoever he is! I hope that after your visit to the solicitor, you'll feel better about all of this. What's worth remembering is that it's her job to advise you, to protect you and to stand up for you. You're not on your own any more. The vast majority of us (and that includes your ex) aren't familiar with the ins and outs of family law. This solicitor is and she'll be more than able to deal with the threats and bluster coming from your ex. As the others on this thread have already pointed out, your solicitor will have heard and seen it all. You're emotionally involved and don't know how family law works. A seasoned solicitor like this lady will see your situation in a very different light and will be able to come out to bat for you without emotions getting in the way.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

Big Bag of Chips

Presumably he acted in loco parentis for a significant amount of time. Although his level of parenting and involvement is questionable. In a relationship breakdown, as far as I'm aware, a step parent has the same rights to apply for leave to apply for access to the child as say a grandparent would have.

The child however is probably old enough to have his feelings taken in to account. But it won't stop the ex from stomping around puffing his chest out!

WIZWEB

Hi OP. You've got some great advice here. The only thing extra that I would add is to respect your eleven year olds desire not to see your ex. There's no legal impediment and your child's desire must be respected.

Esme266

Met with solicitor today. Feel much better. Basically I have to ignore 90% of what my ex says as he's just huffing and puffing. He is trying to isolate and control me by trying to stop my family having contact with the kids. I have enough for a barring order but I said not yet. But it's an option of things get worse. I can encourage but not force 11 year old to see him. Even 10 minutes a week. And that I am in control not him. He can't dictate and control me anymore. Only text about kids and if I feel there's drink involved when it's his time with kids, I can say no and arrange a later date