Overcoming loneliness

Durden_

Hey all, I’m a guy in my 30’s and as the title says I’m dealing with loneliness. I was in a loving relationship (for 1 year) until 3 months ago, where we were planning our future, talking about marriage, kids etc, when all of a sudden it ended. Within a month she began dating someone else. The thing is that this is nearly identical to my previous relationship, 4 years ago where my then ex moved on within a week. It seems my partners are in love, then end it and they move on with ease (I know that’s just my opinion that it’s with ease)
 
The thing is nobody would know I feel lonely, I have lots of great friends, a great family, find it very easy to talk and connect with others. Being honest I shouldn’t feel lonely. When I’m out and around people I feel quite at ease, but there is always this underlying insecurity, mainly when it comes to finding love. The sad thing is that I cannot get my ex out of my mind, or her new boyfriend (who she told me about via text). So I find that I compare myself negatively to him (he’s obviously better than me, richer than me etc), almost intentionally making myself feel bad. It’s as if it’s an addiction of mine, inspite of being generally positive I cannot let go of these feelings.
 
I am positive and proactive in most parts of my life, yet I feel this deep energy (maybe sadness) holding me back. With this I went to a Reiki healer recently and when I asked her what she got from the session, she told me she sense a ‘deep loneliness from childhood’ as well as a ‘guy who’s afraid to be himself’. I burst out in tears as this resonates with me so much, I know it’s true. My childhood was fine by the way, although I can see little moments which may have planted a seed of loneliness.
 
I know I have these feelings inside, in my last relationship I had moments where I KNEW I was in a relationship but I didn’t FEEL I was, at the time this scared me. I also know that when harbouring these feelings there will always be a moment where my partner will need to move on, or I will jeopardise it. Regarding letting go I also feel that the only reason I hold on is that it resonates so much with how I feel, it’s as if by holding on it justifies my sad feelings. My confidence seemed to drop as the relationship progressed, my ex even highlighted all the amazing qualities I have, but wished I could see them and feel more confident in who I am. It's as if when i fall in love my main intent becomes holding onto this love, which results in other aspects of my life not getting attention. I should say i don't come across as needy, but my internal motivation changes. 
 
I would love to meet someone, and build something positive, and I know I have a lot to offer. However I also know if these are left unresolved I will just repeat the same thing over and over again. Being honest I know I will find the answers somewhere (would love to find them sooner rather than later), and I do know I’ve a lot to offer to a partner, but I was just wondering if others have experienced the same and what they did to let go of this internal loneliness?
 
Thank you for reading

Durden_

My post is feeling lonely now :D.  (i'm writing this to keep it company, haha)
I know it's a little long winded and all over the place. I guess i'm asking if anyone has had work done to help with a feeling of deep loneliness, i really want to deal with it for my own health while also putting me in a position to have a healthy and loving relationship in the future.
 
I have had therapy in the past and have progressed so much since, but this feels so much deeper and is now holding me back (looking back it has always been there but i've been getting by). I've been reading up a lot on the 'inner child' and it feels like that might be where my problem lies.
 
So i guess i'd wonder if anyone else has had work done regarding their 'inner child', (loneliness, not feeling good enough etc), and if so what they did? I found Reiki interesting, raised a lot of questions which made sense when i felt relaxed, but not sure the answers are there. I've heard 'theta healing can be good but am open to any other suggestions

Thanks again

JackTaylorFan

Hi OP

Sorry to hear about your break-up. You don't sound too broken up about it, but nonetheless it sucks. Both your exes turnaround times seem unnaturally expedient though. Again, sorry. Some of your other thoughts were a little all over the place, too

But to the question of loneliness and how we cope with it - which I think is a discussion worth having:

Loneliness is a bit of a modern day epidemic - many people, in relationships or not, still suffer. Our reliance on internet has apparently made us more isolated too. Though, saying that, I would never have met some of my best friends if it was not for the much maligned power of social media.

I have to admit you kind of lose me with the whole inner child reiki stuff - sounds a bit too new-agey for me. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I have suffered loneliness both in a very literal socially isolated, lack of relationships sense, to the more existential kind of loneliness - of just feeling lonely no matter how many people you are surrounded by. For me loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, of not having a place in the world, nor a soul to share it with. It's this kind of loneliness that looms almost constantly. What helps? Well, booze don't for sure. Nor does any of that hippie mindfulness crap. For me, it really is as simple as finding someone I can share my most intimate thoughts with - whether they be joyful or sorrowful. Well, maybe it's not that simple. Problem is, people like that are few and far between. I think I've maybe met two people in my life who have understood me on that deep level. Neither of which were romantic relationships for reasons that are far more complicated than I care to explain. I don't really do casual relationships - I feel lonelier around people I can't connect with than I do when I'm alone at home watching a favourite TV Show.

to paraphrase one of my favourite TV Characters, Alan Shore: I don't like being alone, but I'm very good at it

LolaJJ

Hey Durden,

I read your post with interest. I reminded me of my former self. Following hurtful breakups and watching exes move on, associated self criticism and a strong feeling that no one REALLY understood. I too had a plethora of friends and family who all appeared to be in a more content space in the world and I just wanted to figure out a way to get there.

I'd love to give you a blow by blow of exactly what steps I took to shake this off, but actually all that happened was that I got really busy and my life became fuller, I achieved personal goals, felt proud of myself, started to generate a more confident aura and most importantly, as a result, I learnt how to self-validate, even though it probably happened unconsciously....

To break it down; I had one big relationship knock. It pushed me further than I had ever been pushed and I realised I could not face it. Unbeknownst to me I had been using my "happy relationship" to define myself. "I'm in a relationship, therefore, someone loves me enough, therefore I must be OK" Was it actually a happy relationship....Eh No.

So, when it all came crashing down and I was left to mull over all the many sacrifices I had made for this other person who had now decided my value was zero. I felt pretty crap about myself. He moved on very quickly and I too got my nose rubbed in it.

I joined a fitness club (with no background, interest or coordination, f*ck it, it's a distraction). I started training almost every night, none of these people knew my story, my ex, my heartbreak. I never mentioned it. I created a new vibe. I bought a property and I changed jobs (this is over a period of two years) and throughout it all, I decided that I never wanted to be in a relationship ever again. So, I filled my life, I got really in to the fitness thing, saw great results, started getting excited about my achievements, everytime I hit a new goal, it was a liberating thing. My new job was busier and better than my old job, I'm really fit and healthy and now I own property.

I came full circle and decided I was ready to date again and although this part of my story is very recent I am bringing a much better package to the table and I feel a great sense of confidence in that. I know I don't need to be with someone to feel happy. I can do that by myself and it really helps when you don't have the time to overthink things or read into situations.

I related to a lot of what you say you felt, so perhaps this is helpful, but perhaps it's not. I hope it is .

Christmas is a tough time to be feeling lonely so do some nice things for yourself, you deserve it, we all do!

Diddlers

Hi Durden,
The only thing I would like to add is don't compare yourself negatively to your ex's new boyfriend. Although you may think they are in a happy relationship (for example through social media), people can portray whatever life they want online. For example uploading a cute couple picture is easy, but they could of had a blazing row that night. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. Or they may actually be in a great relationship. But that doesn't mean he's obviously better than you. He's not a better boyfriend. It's just a different relationship.
I always say every one has a number of boxes to tick when it comes to what they want in relationships and you'll find someone you'll want everything that you have to offer. But you need to try and love yourself first. Once you do that you'll find it easier for someone to love you right back. Little things like writing down what your best traits are. Potentially deactiving some social media outlets, comparing yourself to others won't help, seeing other people's 'great' lives online compared to your own. This makes people lonely. Going for an early morning/ evening walk to clear your head. Even start reading some books! Get to know yourself and love yourself.

Wishing you all the best, I'm sure it'll all work out swimmingly!

john9876

Re the inner child work I would try books by Robert Firestone such as The critical inner voice, Fear of intimacy, Fantasy Bond.