Marriage and Asking the partners father

teednab-el

Hi guys,

I am going to propose to my girlfriend on Xmas eve. I have being dating her for over 2 years now and she is the one and the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am hoping to meet her dad before this and ask him for his permission to marry his daughter.

I am pretty nervous about this. I know her parents very well and they are very easy going but I'm still nervous of asking her father for his permission to marry.

How can I approach this? what do I say?suggestions? .


Thanks

jimbobaloobob

I wouldnt look to build it up to an occasion (like planning a moment on the skiing trip)

Just tell the man you want to talk to him and go for it. Dont let your head think its a bigger event than it is.

Hope it all goes well

GingerLily

jimbobaloobob wrote: »

I wouldnt look to build it up to an occasion (like planning a moment on the skiing trip)

Just tell the man you want to talk to him and go for it. Dont let your head think its a bigger event than it is.

Hope it all goes well

I think the skiing is a typo *asking

Relax OP, try arrange to spend a little time with him, short walk or pint in the pub perhaps, and ask when you feel comfortable.

I'm sure he'll be delighted!

Victor

Your 'letting him know', not asking.

OnDraught

Is this still something that people do?

Good luck op!

Dank Janniels

Was expecting this to be like "my father in law hates ski-ing and could ruin the whole wedding" situation lol

qwerty13

Are you very sure that she would like for her father to be asked for his ‘permission’, or are you doing this because you think it’s the done thing? I only mention it because it is not something every woman would appreciate! (I would not be one of those women who would like it, quite the opposite!)

Plague Maiden

My girlfriend's sister got engaged in exactly those circumstances recently. I think it's utterly bizarre in this day and age. I realise it's only a gesture and you're not actually asking for permission, but still. The idea of two men meeting up to discuss the future of someone else, particularly a woman, is just all wrong in my opinion.

If I wanted to be respectful of my future father in law, and recognise his position as father of the bride, then I'd perhaps make sure he was the first to hear of the engagement and then invite him for a private drink.

ursa actos

I don't think my wife, or her father, for that matter would have appreciated me asking 'permission' in this day & age. Would his refusal change your mind, or hers? 
You can satisfy the traditional and the modern elements by letting him know you're planning to ask his daughter to marry you, and that you're asking for his blessing. You're respecting both him as the father of your intended, and her as a woman capable of deciding for herself who she marries.

exaisle

Firstly....as somebody who did this years ago, ask for his blessing, not his permission. World of a difference.

The thing about asking for his blessing is that aside from the tradition of it, you are showing your GF's parents respect, and that will stand to you in your future relationship with your GF and indeed with her family.

The other thing is, if you've been seeing her for a couple of years and you're obviously serious about her, this will all come as no surprise to her parents. Indeed, it'll be a bit of a relief to them and they'll probably be as thrilled as she will.

And rather than "hoping to meet her dad", make a point of meeting him rather than it seem like you bumped into him and asked as an afterthough.

Anyhow, when the moment arrives, waist in, chest out, take a deep breath and go for it.

Let us know how you get on.

Best of luck!

woodchuck

OP do you know how your OH feels about this? I'd thread very carefully here.

Personally I think it's an archaic practice. While some people talk about it being respectful to the father, I think it's extremely disrespectful to the woman. The idea of two men sitting around discussing her future!! Also the father will know about the planned proposal before her and he'll probably tell his wife too. So you're robbing your partner of the chance to announce her engagement properly to her parents because they'll already know.

I'm sure there are also women who don't mind or think it's a nice tradition etc. However you'd want to be sure which category your partner falls into before going down this route!

love_love

My fiancé went for a pint with my dad and told him he was going to propose. It definitely wasn't a request for permission, or really even seeking a blessing, I just liked the idea of my dad being included in some way and had expressed this to my partner on a few occasions before. My dad has no sons and my partner has a really special relationship with my dad, so I thought it would be a lovely thing for them both. Tradition-ish, but not really. My dad then got to keep the secret, even from my mam (though my partner showed her the ring when he chose it), and they have that shared experience.

I don't think it would have been expected by my parents for my partner to sit my dad down specifically, but because of the personal relationships we all have, it was definitely lovely for just those two to have a sit down together. As others have said, I think it's important to think about what your partner would want. If you have a relationship with her dad, you'll know the best way to approach him. As I said, my OH spoke to my dad over a pint, which is something they do every few months. It doesn't have to be a big fanfare occasion - you're not asking a question, you're sharing your intentions (well, that would be my take on it anyway!).

Addle

Plague Maiden wrote: »

My girlfriend's sister got engaged in exactly those circumstances recently. I think it's utterly bizarre in this day and age. I realise it's only a gesture and you're not actually asking for permission, but still. The idea of two men meeting up to discuss the future of someone else, particularly a woman, is just all wrong in my opinion.

It's no more bizarre than most wedding 'traditions'. The man will probably end up giving his daughter away.

As mentioned above, it's more of a letting him know rather than asking permission.
I know my own dad got a great kick out of keeping the secret. It was great for him to be involved in that way.
I think it just shows respect to the parents.
No harm in it at all.

eviltwin

Like most traditions, you can take and leave what you want. Not asking the dad won't make your engagement any less special.

If it's something you think your girlfriend would appreciate it then go for it but I think it would be even more respectful to include her mother in it too.

If you think your girlfriend would hate it don't do it.

I personally hate the tradition and think it is disrespectful to both the bride to be and her mother.

liquoriceall

I would be so annoyed if someone thought to consult another family member about my future!!! She is surely an adult so why would you be involving her parents? Is it not normal to just make sure they are the first to be informed?

never_mind

Oh holy god why does everything have to turn into a political debate these days.

Call over to the mother and father of herself. Bring a bottle of wine. Tell them you have a bit of news and a plan to ask her to marry you and leave it at that.

dudara

When done in the modern style, I think it's a sweet and nice tradition. Obviously, you are no longer looking for his permission, that's utterly outdated, but more his blessing. It also brings the family together in different ways into a joyful and happy event.

Just make sure that your OH is OK with this approach.

Dial Hard

There was a big thread on this in AH before and it got quite fractious. People have very conflicting opinions on this one so I'd be very sure about how your partner will take it before I'd go any further.

Personally, I'd have been less than impressed had my ex consulted my father about proposing to me beforehand, and I'm extremely close to my dad. It's not just the connotations of ownership (whether you call it asking for his "blessing" or not), I wouldn't have wanted my dad (or anyone) to know about my getting engaged before I even knew about it myself. I just find it a bit weird.

Addle

dudara wrote: »

Just make sure that your OH is OK with this approach.

Will that not spoil the surprise?

woodchuck

Addle wrote: »

Will that not spoil the surprise?

I'd be surprised if this hasn't come up in conversation already. I've been to loads of weddings this year so the topic naturally came up (e.g. if someone mentioned it in their wedding speech). It sparked a huge debate and most of the women were vehemently opposed to the idea.

DaeryssaOne

It's funny I had always warned my OH that I was not a piece of property and considering we already lived together for years that I didn't want him asking my dad before he asked me!
On the night he proposed however when we told my parents I could see how disappointed my dad was that he hadn't been included (like he had with my sister). He never said anything but I felt quite bad about it and ended up wishing that they had just had a pint together a few days before just so he could feel like he was in the know.

I think OP there's no need to overthink it, it's not like the old days where you need to discuss a dowry or something, it's just taking him for a pint or dropping in with a bottle of wine and letting him/them know that you intend proposing.

dudara

Addle wrote: »

Will that not spoil the surprise?

I'm not saying to ask them directly. But the OP will surely know (one way or the other) if this would appeal to his partner.

jobr wrote:

On the night he proposed however when we told my parents I could see how disappointed my dad was that he hadn't been included (like he had with my sister). He never said anything but I felt quite bad about it and ended up wishing that they had just had a pint together a few days before just so he could feel like he was in the know.

A wedding is a family event, though obviously focussed on the bride and groom. It's important to remember that fathers can be from an older generation and they would value this tradition far more than the bride would. I'd personally go along with it to make my Dad feel included and valuable, no matter what I may personally think (and my Dad knows that I'm damn independent).

Sunny Dayz

As others have said it depends on the views of your partner and also depends on her family.
My husband asked for my father's blessing. He went off for a drive with my Dad to help him with something and he asked while my Dad was driving on the motorway at 120!! They often recount that tale and my Dad even mentioned it in his speech at the wedding. It was shared experience for them and they do get on well anyway.
Dad didn't tell Mam about it, there was a few weeks between his conversation with Dad and the proposal.

lazygal

My dad wouldn't have liked this. He knows me and he knows I wouldn't have liked it either.
Pretty sure my other siblings didn't have their partners asking permission either.

Toots

My husband asked my Dad and I thought it was really sweet. He knew he'd never get my Dad on his own (I was always lurking around somewhere) so he secretly rang my Dad about an hour before popping the question. I don't think Dad was expecting it, but I reckon he was secretly pretty chuffed.

OP you don't need to make a big deal of it, just try and catch him on his own and ask for his blessing. If you want, you could ask both her parents at the same time.

love_love

OP, I hope all this debate hasn't put you off and made you more nervous. If you'd like to share it with her dad, then go for a walk or a drive or a pint. If you feel unsure how your OH feels about it, you could tell both her mam and dad if you want. If you can't see him/them in person before then, a phone call would be nice. Do whatever is right for yous, the bottom line is that you don't have to make an "occasion" out of it.

mcgiggles

I'm traditional and I would have been disappointed if my OH hadn't mentioned it to my dad before popping the question. I think its sweet. I don't think it was "asking his permission" so much as "asking for his blessing". My dad's old fashioned too and was so chuffed to be included and in on the little secret. OH knew he'd never get dad on his own so he asked him to call to him at work and literally just said it to him straight out. No small talk or nothing haha..

Electric Sheep

Addle wrote: »

dudara wrote: »

Just make sure that your OH is OK with this approach.

Will that not spoil the surprise?

Surely the proposal should not be a surpise to begin with? Would anybody really plan to get married without discussion of the myriad of things that need to be agreed on before a decision could be made?

Sebastian Dangerfield

qwerty13 wrote: »

Are you very sure that she would like for her father to be asked for his ‘permission’, or are you doing this because you think it’s the done thing? I only mention it because it is not something every woman would appreciate! (I would not be one of those women who would like it, quite the opposite!)

A friend of my wife's got engaged recently. She'd be the first to get on her soapbox usually and decry the outdated ritual of a woman being passed from her father to her husband. Asking for permission should be left in the dark ages apparently.

Til her fiancé didn't do it. Apparently it took the shine off the proposal for her, and its all a bit awkward at home. All the sisters fiancés did it, so she feels like he left something out.

Something happens to Irish women when weddings are involved...

(disclaimer: at least the ones I know)

One piece of advice. If you do it, be prepared that the news might leak out. I sat my FIL down for a pint and told him I was planning to propose. Slightly awkward as I'd only known her 4 months, and only met him 3 times. He was grand about it and we're great pals now. But when I proposed a month later and she called to tell her parents, a roar went up in the room from all the family who were gathered. He "only" told the wife, who "only" told one sister, who "only" told another and so on. My wife was quite possibly the last person in Leinster to find out she was getting married.

GingerLily

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Surely the proposal should not be a surpise to begin with? Would anybody really plan to get married without discussion of the myriad of things that need to be agreed on before a decision could be made?

Of course they are!!!! Or can be at least

Sleeper12

Victor wrote:

Your 'letting him know', not asking.

Totally agree.

Only ask his permission if you are willing not to marry her if he says no. Otherwise what's the point?

bee06

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Surely the proposal should not be a surpise to begin with? Would anybody really plan to get married without discussion of the myriad of things that need to be agreed on before a decision could be made?

The proposal itself can be a surprise even if the plan/desire to get married isn’t. I know when my husband proposed I was totally surprised. I knew marriage was on the cards because we were planning on building a house together but I wasn’t expecting the proposal so soon.

My husband asked my father and mother for their blessing before he proposed. Permission wasn’t required but asking for their blessing made them feel involved.

Mrs OBumble

OP, make sure you know how much dowry you want, and if he doesn't offer that much, what is the lowest amount you will accept.

Consider the possible combinations of cash and goods he might offer you. Going in to the meeting, make sure you know the current market value of land in the area, especially road-frontage, and also current values for all the animals he has and could offer you as part of the package: nothing worse that being offered two cows and only discovering later that their value is less than you expected.














I jest, of course. At most, ask his blessing. Ideally AFTER you've proposed.

teednab-el

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

OP, make sure you know how much dowry you want, and if he doesn't offer that much, what is the lowest amount you will accept.

Consider the possible combinations of cash and goods he might offer you. Going in to the meeting, make sure you know the current market value of land in the area, especially road-frontage, and also current values for all the animals he has and could offer you as part of the package: nothing worse that being offered two cows and only discovering later that their value is less than you expected.














I jest, of course. At most, ask his blessing. Ideally AFTER you've proposed.

I have proposed she said yes but it's a secret for now. She was delighted. Still she would prefer me just to say it to her father as a sign of respect I guess but she said yes anyway to me and I'm over the moon.

MissShihTzu

My husband didn't ask my father as such. But he did come round with a bottle of Jameson's, and told him the news. I was taken aback by my Dad's reaction. I always thought my Dad was too cool for emotion. But he was utterly delighted! My old man was like a dog with six lampposts!

Bottom line? Dad was happy when my husband included him when we got engaged. Dad's been dead two years, but I know that simple thing made him happy. And we still smile at the memory.

And NO - I didn't mind. It's just words after all. Nothing to get worked up about!

GingerLily

teednab-el wrote: »

I have proposed she said yes but it's a secret for now. She was delighted. Still she would prefer me just to say it to her father as a sign of respect I guess but she said yes anyway to me and I'm over the moon.

You proposed since you started the thread or had already?

Peatys

teednab-el wrote: »

I have proposed she said yes but it's a secret for now. She was delighted. Still she would prefer me just to say it to her father as a sign of respect I guess but she said yes anyway to me and I'm over the moon.

Cool, congratulations.

Is her mother on the scene? Might be nice to say it both parents?

exaisle

teednab-el wrote: »

I have proposed she said yes but it's a secret for now. She was delighted. Still she would prefer me just to say it to her father as a sign of respect I guess but she said yes anyway to me and I'm over the moon.

Yay...congrats....we'll be looking forward to receiving invitations... :-)

Ask her dad's blessing will make for a good relationship with the in-laws for the future.

neris

OnDraught wrote: »

Is this still something that people do?
!

Yep, mate of mine did it coz he knew her parents would pay for the wedding but only if he asked the father for permission 1st

Wellyd

My fiancé asked my dad under the pretence of getting a chainsaw sharpened! I was so surprised when he proposed that when we rang home to tell them the news my mam started screaming at him to tell him I had gotten engaged. It was so funny to hear her reaction when he said sure I know we were sharpening the chainsaw last week! I don’t know how he kept it from my mother. Looking back with hindsight when we were leaving the house that night to go on holidays my dad was very funny with me that I probably should have known! I’m happy he told my dad as we’re very close and he was so delighted sitting at home waiting for the phone call to come through!

qwerty13

neris wrote: »

OnDraught wrote: »

Is this still something that people do?
!

Yep, mate of mine did it coz he knew her parents would pay for the wedding but only if he asked the father for permission 1st

I hope that’s a joke. How nasty would that be. Zero respect for the partner to be, or the parents.

Personally, I find the ‘permission’ idea utterly repulsive, but each to their own. Someone doing that for money though, that is just disgusting

Dakota Dan

OnDraught wrote: »

Is this still something that people do?

Good luck op!

That tradition seems to be gone out with the flood, op what if he says no?

bee06

Dakota Dan wrote: »

That tradition seems to be gone out with the flood, op what if he says no?

The OP has already posted that he asked his (now) fiancée already so its a moot point.

splinter65

qwerty13 wrote: »

I hope that’s a joke. How nasty would that be. Zero respect for the partner to be, or the parents.

Personally, I find the ‘permission’ idea utterly repulsive, but each to their own. Someone doing that for money though, that is just disgusting

Good Lord. Utterly repulsive. You do realize that “getting permission” is in effect, asking the parents of someone your madly in love with, cherish, and respect if they think your good enough to spend the rest of your life looking after one another?
Repulsive?

Addle

qwerty13 wrote: »

Personally, I find the ‘permission’ idea utterly repulsive, but each to their own. Someone doing that for money though, that is just disgusting

As outlined multiple times above, it's about looking for his blessing rather than 'permission'.
Why do you feel so strongly about it?
Is it the only patriarchal custom associated with weddings that you take issue with?

splinter65

Dakota Dan wrote: »

That tradition seems to be gone out with the flood, op what if he says no?

If he says no, we don’t like you and we hope that the wedding doesn’t happen and that if it does, we are afraid it won’t last, then that will be a shame.
But at least everyone will know where they stand.
No surprises.

Dakota Dan

Dakota Dan wrote: »

That tradition seems to be gone out with the flood, op what if he says no?

I dont know anyone who has gotten engaged in the last few years who hasn't asked the father (incl myself), its very much still the done thing in my circle of friends anyway.

Personally I think its a very nice tradition and really don't get the hate some people have for it.

fg1406

I don’t know anyone who has asked the fathers permission,Within my circle of friends. Neither my husband nor brother in law asked our dad when my sister and I had our respective engagements. I know I would have absolutely hated the idea of asking my fathers “permission” as I’m not anyone’s property or even asking for his blessing as again, I don’t need anyone’s approval for a life partner. My own engagement was private and we announced it to our parents the following day

Gatica

been to a dozen weddings and only heard of one asking the parents. Not done in general in our circle of friends either.
Seems like there's a bit of a difference between asking for blessing and permission. Also, if you get the parents' blessing and then she says no, isn't that gonna be a bit awkward?
Anyway, since OP planned it for before new year... hopefully congrats are in order!

pauliebdub

If I was doing it I'd mention it to both parents, call over with a bottle of wine some evening and say it to them. I wouldn't even frame it as asking for a blessing and certainly not permission. It's a bit patriarchal to exclude the mother, her opinion and feelings would be just as important to me as the fathers.

It might be a country vs city thing, judging by the variety of opinions. Farmers who might view a girl as marrying into a family might appreciate it more than city people who could view it as a bit archaic.