Genuine or fobbed off?

LegacyUser

Long story short went on four dates with a guy I met online.
Got on great. Said guy told me how much he liked me. We hit it off. He told me how much he wanted to see me again.
(We didn't sleep together but it was coming close to it)
After fourth date I got a call from him explaining that the timing was wrong. He was in a very difficult business situation and could no longer see me as he needed to devote all his time to his business. He said he would contact me down the line but he didn't know how long that would be. He deleted his online profile, and he seemed very convincing in his reasons.
Two months have passed and I still think about him. I have been burned before and can't help but wonder have I just been fobbed off or was there something else going on.
I really thought he was a genuine guy and thought there was a mutual spark but maybe I was wrong.
I have deleted his number and gone on other dates so I'm trying to get on with it and I know I will with time but hate feeling like a fool or wondering where did I go wrong/did I mess up.

LegacyUser

I would say fobbed off. He has time for a few dates, but then suddenly has no time to even keep in touch? Sounds like an excuse, even the busiest people in the world can go on an odd date. Plus "I'll call you sometime" is a horrible way to string somebody along. I wouldn't waste head space on this if I were you, move on and enjoy it.

LegacyUser

His wife/girlfriend probably saw the messages or found his dating profile and he's hoping things will have calmed down enough in 2-3mths that he can go back to his old ways and hit you up. Drop it and move on, I honestly don't know anyone that would have business problems that you can a)predict they will be sorted in that time frame so accurately b) that any problem that can be fixed in a few months would be serious enough that he couldn't maintain contact at least by text or have time for coffee

Emme

singlepringle2121 wrote: »

Long story short went on four dates with a guy I met online.
Got on great. Said guy told me how much he liked me. We hit it off. He told me how much he wanted to see me again.
(We didn't sleep together but it was coming close to it)
After fourth date I got a call from him explaining that the timing was wrong. He was in a very difficult business situation and could no longer see me as he needed to devote all his time to his business. He said he would contact me down the line but he didn't know how long that would be. He deleted his online profile, and he seemed very convincing in his reasons.
Two months have passed and I still think about him. I have been burned before and can't help but wonder have I just been fobbed off or was there something else going on.
I really thought he was a genuine guy and thought there was a mutual spark but maybe I was wrong.
I have deleted his number and gone on other dates so I'm trying to get on with it and I know I will with time but hate feeling like a fool or wondering where did I go wrong/did I mess up.

He could have been married.

Mr. Incognito

Strangers on the internet wont have an answer. Just forget it an move on.

4 dates. You dont know the guy at all.

Calypso Realm

singlepringle2121 wrote: »

I have deleted his number and gone on other dates so I'm trying to get on with it and I know I will with time but hate feeling like a fool or wondering where did I go wrong/did I mess up

OP whatever happened had nothing to do with you, so please don't beat yourself up over this.

We can all speculate here as to whether the reason he gave was genuine or not-maybe there was an element of truth at the time and he changed his mind later, met someone else, went back to his ex etc The possibilities are endless. None of us can possibly know the answer. However, the fact it's been two months now is all you need to know really. I'd assign this one to the past.

cailin.

It's likely he lost interest or had something else lined up OP. It is nothing to do with you this is all to common in the dating world. It's crap when you think you met someone decent and they effectively ghost you.

It's good you're putting yourself out there but try move on from over analysing why it didn't work and focus on moving forward.

Jasper_

It's hard to be straight with someone and tell them you have lost interest, it just is, everybody struggles with it to some degree. Even after just a handful of dates.

He took the easier route by using an excuse. Simple as that.

JackTaylorFan

I would say fobbed off - if someone is interested - no time is the wrong time.

Like others have said, I would also be inclined to believe he was already with someone or/and found someone.

Dating is **** in the 21 century.

Sorry, OP

December2012

What do you mean fobbed off? He said he didn’t have time. He doesn’t owe you any more than that. So stop thinking about him, and stop putting your life on hold waiting for him.

bobsman

You will never know OP. It is very unfair of him to say he'll call you sometime when he won't. He could have been married, you will never know.

You are moving on, that's good. Try not to give him a second thought.

bucketybuck

Sounds to me like he was a genuine guy, he let you know where you stood early on and before you did anything you might regret. Would you rather he had strung you along for a few months, slept with you and then met you once every few weeks or something? Would you rather he said nothing, just ghosted you?

There were four dates, seems clear that he knew then that he didn't see a long term future and so made a call on it rather than drag it out. Maybe he could have sat you down and explained his whys and why nots but really, who would that have helped? Maybe there was no reason beyond "I'm just not feeling it". Or maybe he is actually busy right now. Who knows.

Whatever the reason was changes absolutely nothing. You had a few dates and then he let you know very clearly that he wasn't going any further, that's more than you would get from a lot of people out there and about all you can expect from someone you met a grand total of four times in your life.

I really would recommend not over thinking it. There were a few dates and it didn't work out, that's all and it doesn't mean or say anything about either of you.

kylith

It's possible that he fobbed you off after not getting the ride after 4 dates. It's possible he fobbed you off cos he met someone he liked better. It's possible that he didn't fob you off at all and that he genuinely didn't have time. It's possible that he just wasn't that into you.

None of us can tell you, unfortunately. Just forget about him.

JackTaylorFan

bobsman wrote: »

You will never know OP. It is very unfair of him to say he'll call you sometime when he won't.

Have to agree... this sounds like a classic breadcrumbing tactic

if you are not familiar with the term in dating context: The act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie "breadcrumbs") to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.

bobsman

Breadcruming..new one on me .

Dating is bloody hard !!!

LegacyUser

OP here.
Thank you everyone for the responses.
I suppose many of you have confirmed thoughts that I had and I think I just needed to hear some unbiased views.
Fell hook line and sinker for it at the time and now feel a bit foolish for being naive.
Find its very rare when I get that level of liking someone and my judgement got somewhat clouded.

Thanks everyone.
I'll waste no more time pondering it.

njs030

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Have to agree... this sounds like a classic breadcrumbing tactic

if you are not familiar with the term in dating context: The act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie "breadcrumbs") to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.

Breadcrumbing is more like sporadic contact to keep you interested but not quite making any commitment rather than just a break up line like this is...
This line has been around forever! "I'll call you" is a lot easier than just saying "I'm not interested, bye".

Op in the kindest way, no one is too busy for someone they really like, whatever the actual reason was it's been far too long to be hung on someone you briefly dated (and didn't sleep with) months ago.
Forget him and just move on.

JackTaylorFan

notjustsweet wrote: »

Breadcrumbing is more like sporadic contact to keep you interested but not quite making any commitment rather than just a break up line like this is...
This line has been around forever! "I'll call you" is a lot easier than just saying "I'm not interested, bye".

Sorry, but the line "I'll call you" in OP's scenario is pretty ****ty and the language is uncommitted. It translates to the recipient as: there is still a chance, just wait for me, okay? It gives her no closure and leaves her hung-up on a guy she has developed an emotional connection with; a guy who may or may not come around when he decides there are no better options for him.

But I agree, it's a lot easier for a person to text "I'll call you" than actually treat another human with a bit respect and emotional maturity.

Rejecting someone doesn't have to be a harsh "I'm not interested, bye" either - you can tell someone you're not feeling it without being a complete emotional dunce, too.

JackTaylorFan

bobsman wrote: »

Breadcruming..new one on me .

Dating is bloody hard !!!

Breadcrumbing: it's the new ghosting

njs030

JackTaylorFan wrote: »

Sorry, but the line "I'll call you" in OP's scenario is pretty ****ty and the language is uncommitted. It translates to the recipient as: there is still a chance, just wait for me, okay? It gives her no closure and leaves her hung-up on a guy she has developed an emotional connection with; a guy who may or may not come around when he decides there are no better options for him.

But I agree, it's a lot easier for a person to text "I'll call you" than actually treat another human with a bit respect and emotional maturity.

Rejecting someone doesn't have to be a harsh "I'm not interested, bye" either - you can tell someone you're not feeling it without being a complete emotional dunce, too.

I didn't say it was acceptable, what I said was it isn't breadcrumbing and nothing new, it's been around for donkeys years.
It's slight off topic so I'll leave it at that!

At the end of the day there's no telling what he was thinking and perhaps he did mean to call her and inbetween then and now met someone else. The point being all the what is and maybes are irrelevant.
He hasn't called and really op shouldnt be thinking so much about someone she hardly knew anyway.

JackTaylorFan

notjustsweet wrote: »

I didn't say it was acceptable, what I said was it isn't breadcrumbing and nothing new, it's been around for donkeys years.
It's slight off topic so I'll leave it at that!

At the end of the day there's no telling what he was thinking and perhaps he did mean to call her and inbetween then and now met someone else. The point being all the what is and maybes are irrelevant.
He hasn't called and really op shouldnt be thinking so much about someone she hardly knew anyway.

It is not fair for you to say what level of connection OP should feel towards this man - they went on several dates - you have no idea of what they shared with each other in conversation. There is emotional fallout from this and OP is entitled to have these lingering feeling, especially in the way the other party left things.

I would hope she can move on and forget him - but to dismiss her feelings altogether is wrong

And I will, again, argue his non-committal "I'll call you" line is breadcrumbing... This isn't a job interview in a bad 90's sitcom.

bucketybuck

The guy told her it wasn't happening, stopped all contact and hasn't been heard from in the two months since. If thats breadcrumbing then the term has no meaning.

The OP really shouldn't overthink the "I'll call you" line, being realistic it was just a variant of "It's not you, it's me". It was just something to say at a time when something needed to be said.

milli milli

notjustsweet wrote: »

whatever the actual reason was it's been far too long to be hung on someone you briefly dated (and didn't sleep with) months ago.

Ah you know sometimes you connect really well with someone and the OP might have gotten carried away with herself and lived the relationship in her head. There's no shame in feeling lots for someone you barely know (or who's to know what kind of deep conversations they had on those few dates).

But I suppose the general consensus and what I've learned (quite late myself, if truth be told), is to not get too invested too soon. It saves all sorts of overthinking and emotional rollercoasting.
But look after yourself OP, you're allowed to feel what you feel. Just use it as a learning experience.

njs030

milli milli wrote: »

Ah you know sometimes you connect really well with someone and the OP might have gotten carried away with herself and lived the relationship in her head. There's no shame in feeling lots for someone you barely know (or who's to know what kind of deep conversations they had on those few dates).

But I suppose the general consensus and what I've learned (quite late myself, if truth be told), is to not get too invested too soon. It saves all sorts of overthinking and emotional rollercoasting.
But look after yourself OP, you're allowed to feel what you feel. Just use it as a learning experience.

Oh I do understand that and I didn't mean it as harshly as it may have sounded.
We've all done that and especially now in the online era things can feel like they're moving faster than they are.

What I was trying to say is it has been such a long time now it really is time to let it go, for her own sake, months have passed and hanging on hoping for a call isn't healthy for her and like you and me (and plenty of others) have learned it's better not to get invested too soon unfortunately.
Do mind yourself op and spend time with people who make you happy.

Bambi985

It's probably an indication of how sad things have gotten in the world of online dating, but what struck me about OP's post was how polite yer man was to call her and give any excuse at all for his ensuing disappearance.

The more usual experience is for them to drop off the face of the earth and be left with absolutely no explanation at all, and wondering if you in fact imagined the dates you had been on.

So yes OP, you were fobbed off, but this guy was far more direct and honest about things than the vast, vast majority of people you'll meet online these days. So I'd take it as an "at least I know" advantage and try to plough on. Unreciprocated feelings for probably no reason on your end. It is what it is, some people just won't feel it even though you're wonderful and lovely and a catch. Clock it down to "can't win em all" - you need someone who's mad about you and makes the whole general clusterfcuk of dating seem like a walk in the park, where you don't have to second guess his every word. And that's not this fella.

Onwards and upwards.

eet fuk

Everyone seems to be reading very deeply into this - it seems pretty straightforward to me.

It’s possible to go on a few dates with someone and then decide that the timing isn’t right for you or that you’re not interested in taking it further. It has always been that way and always will.