Any input, thoughts please

LegacyUser

Regular her but going anon for this.

While out late-night shopping last week, I ran into an ex of mine. Relationship ended over a year ago. Looking back and being more objective about it all, I came to the conclusion much later (although he ended it) it was one of those cases where we got our wires crossed, misunderstandings etc I had a lot of regrets about my own (large) contribution to it all. Basically, a lot was my fault. Hindsight is wonderful, sometimes! Also I've done a lot of growing up since we split.A Both mid- 20s.

A few months after we finished I moved out of where I lived (house has since been sold) changed my mobile due to work, parents moved abroad and rented house out so no idea if he made any effort to contact me. At the time we dated, I lived about 5km from him ended up moving closer (2km) to where he lives when I took up the new job. I'm not even on FB owing to work, where it's discouraged.

When I (literally) bumped into him I did wonder about it at the time, but looking back it looks as if he'd spotted me coming up the escalator in the shopping centre and had turned to face me as I walked down the aisle. One of the first things he asked me was what I was doing there and what struck me at the time as being distinctly odd (and the main reason I'm posting) was how utterly shocked he was when I told him I lived there! This is coming from a normally calm sort of guy.I'd expected the usual 'Oh, really' but this guy acted like I'd told him s/thing very shocking indeed. I briefly explained why I'd moved there, we chatted for a few minutes when I, realiizing the time, cut the convo short and rushed off to meet friends.

Since this I find this guy has been on my mind a lot. Ideally I'd like to reconnect and even give things another go. Kicking myself I didn't at least mention the road I lived in which I could easily have done, I guess.

Any thoughts, input much appreciated.

LirW

I'm a firm believer of the one shot you get at it. You broke up for a reason. There's a saying where I come from that says "Only a stew gets better when warmed up". It is somewhat true.
It could easily be if you'd get back together to find out after a few weeks that there was a dealbreaker and a reason why you broke up because you're falling into an old pattern.

Personally I'd leave it with the memories you take from it and move on.

WIZWEB

OP indeed hindsight is great or is it really. Sometimes when we run into an ex after a significant period of time we're wearing rose tinted glasses. The what ifs and if onlys of what could have been or could still be. If lonely or missing something in our lives we can conveniently forget about all the bad times that lead to the breakup. Anyway this needs to be resolved by him too before any relationship reconnection. It's admirable that you're taking responsibility for your own actions. Though this ownership of the main reasons for the relationship demise may be way out of proportion because you simply miss them. It would be totally unfair that you take all the blame.

In fairness he dumped you so may still see things very different. He could be dating someone else or just not interested. His surprise at your close relocation may even be a fear of regular proximity or stalking! Us men can be weird. It's great that you've moved forward in other ways with your life.

Right enough of the pessimist in me. Try not to obsess or you'll wreck your head. To give yourself closure by living so near you will have many opportunities to run into him again. Suggest a coffee/drink then keeping it casual and if he agrees utilize this time to get a feeling for the vibes between you. There may be some disclosures hopefully ones you want. He might be kicking himself that he didn't get your number before you ran. He may even think you wanted to escape his company!

LegacyUser

What was the actual reason for the breakup . You kind of brushed over that bit . It could explain his feelings and reaction

Calypso Realm

WIZWEB wrote: »

t. His surprise at your close relocation may even be a fear of regular proximity or stalking! Us men can be weird. !

Actually, when I read this part, I wondered if he had, at some point tried to contact the OP and realised she'd disappeared into thin air. Now he's located her, so to speak! He most certainly didn't sound to me as if he was avoiding her, judging by the way he appeared to face her, in fact the opposite. Had he deemed her to be the stalker type, he would most definitely have avoided her. I've avoided speaking to exes I was glad to see the back of! In contrast, here was certainly some element of curiousity here........

WIZWEB

Calypso Realm wrote: »

....He most certainly didn't sound to me as if he was avoiding her, judging by the way he appeared to face her, in fact the opposite. Had he deemed her to be the stalker type, he would most definitely have avoided her. I've avoided speaking to exes I was glad to see the back of! In contrast, here was certainly some element of curiousity here........

I get you. Though he could have asked the OP for her new number if really interested. Those 'what ifs' I mentioned! Like yourself I've got ex's I want to avoid. Even some that may want to avoid me! I've even briefly had a stalker. However when I ran into him by chance in public I was shocked and nice as pie to minimize contact until escape. Coincidentally I made a beeline for him as I thought he probably saw me anyway and I didn't want any drama. I'm obviously not suggesting for a second the OP is a stalker. But here's the conundrum. My response (like all here) is purely speculative about the possibility of two polar opposite outcomes. Simply put he may or may not be interested. Either option is very possible.

leggo

I wouldn't read too much into him being shocked: if an ex I hadn't heard from in yonks, who lived away from me (and had a home bought there which usually suggests they're sticking put for life), ended up living in the same area as me all of a sudden, I'd be shocked too. It's just something you take into consideration, whether you'll bump into them etc. For example sometimes if you break up with someone who lives far away it can be a relief that at least you won't see them around and can get over them without any setbacks. It's the same when you hear an ex has got married, had a kid, or bought a home, anything dramatic: you're so close to them for your time together so you assume you know everything about them, a big change in their lives can be a jolt to your system because a small part of your own equilibrium has moved.

As for whether you should explore the possibility of getting back together? That depends. You'll get loads of stories of it going wrong and loads of it going right and loads of general beliefs from people, but none of that really matters. You have to ask yourself if you're feeling this way because you genuinely think things are different now, or because you're a bit lonely, miss having someone and this seems like such an easy plug-and-play option. Be brutally honest with yourself there, because the risk is that you get doubly hurt if you try and are wrong, then you end up right back where you are except with added pain. You have to examine the reasons for it not working the first time in-depth, pick out the obstacles on both your and his side to reuniting that would hypothetically exist, then ask yourself if it's realistic things have changed that much (it's often not). On the off-chance you do all this and decide it's still a goer, then I'd suggest you make contact and just catch up in general to see if your feelings were right. Then go from there.

Bambi985

I think Leggo’s post is spot on. It’s that time of year when we’re thinking about loved ones, both present and past, and the tendency to ruminate when you’re single is two-fold. We’re surrounded by loved up messages about Christmassy couples & love & engagements and I know in my own most recent relationship, Christmas was a holiday that held a lot of memories and special moments. It’s very easy to over-think things or get a bit rose-tinted.

I don’t think there’s anything alarming about your ex being surprised to literally bump into you and learn that you now live down the road. That is shocking information even if he has moved on and now has a new partner.

I’d spend some time being brutally honest about your previous relationship including not just how you have come to process the breakup but how your ex has probably interpreted it. Just because you feel that it ended for trivial reasons doesn’t mean that he’s onboard with that or believes that the whole thing is worth another go.

Get your head straight before reaching out to him based on some sentimental feelings about him because you’re looking at the possibility here of getting even more hurt than you did last time if he A. doesn’t feel the same or B. Does but those same unresolved issues result in a giant waste of more time in the long run.

LegacyUser

OP here. Many, many thanks for all your replies. Have been working flat-out since, so first chance to get back.Have noted all your individual points but to save time, I will do a generic reply.

Firstly, I can assure you all, this guy has crossed my mind a few times (in a healthy, non-pining sort of way) in the last while and my wish for reconciliation has nothing to do with either loneliness or the festive season! I'm fairly independent, happy being single - never feel compelled to be in a relationship. Lots of friends, busy career etc. Much more to do with my own indisputable (confided in some friends who agreed with this) role in the demise of the relationship. I don't wish to have regrets in future. Other relats I've definitely adopted a one shot approach. However, I do know of a lot of couples who've reconciled successfully so have changed my views slightly over the years.

Although I've lived here for circa 10 months, this is the first time I've run into him. He lives in the next suburb. I know where he socialises and I wouldn't dare go there! As it happens I don't tend to frequent the pubs around here, either!! Go farther afield. So I suppose I'd have to contact him directly, if I want to meet up, though I'd prefer a more 'accidental' approach.

I guess the main reason I was surprised at his reaction was because I hadn't moved all that far (up from the country for eg) in the grander scheme of things. I'm sure he knew we had an advance warning to leave the house as landlord wanted to sell up. Even if I'd remained there, the journey would have been terrible and I've always liked the area I'm in now. Also we parted on fairly OK terms. I think Leggo you have hit the nail on the head though as what you said makes total sense.

Interestingly, I heard yesterday that he had been seeing someone briefly but now he (recently) had finished it! Someone I know knows the girl involved through friends and all this came out when I mentioned I'd met him! Funnily enough when I ran into him it did cross my mind he might be waiting for someone in the S Centre so I guess my timing was spot-on!

Thanks again everyone. Keep the ideas, personal experiences coming as I've found quite often there are parallels in relationships and we're all learning!

Have a great Christmas everyone, just in case I don't get a chance to get back to you!

Calypso Realm

I agree we tend to 'compartmentalise' exes etc.....associate them with where they lived when we knew them.

It's also possible he might be wondering why, since you've lived in such close proximity for a while now, you haven't made any effort to contact him, in any form at any point.

Also, I do agree the 'timing' of your meeting is very interesting.....